Ah, that’s my problem right there. I keep getting confused as to which one is the pony keg and which one is the pony bottle. Man, that sure made Sunday’s dive interesting!
Speaking of which, we should have executive retreats off Aruba, Belize, the Caymans, Dominican Republic, and the Galapagos.
I want a million bucks a year plus bonuses well in excess of that. In return, I promise to bravely and repeatedly run the company broke, pull it off at the last minute at least some of the time, remain an optimist throughout this manic rollercoaster ride and wear a pink suit when I sell stuff to IBM. I also want a trophy wife.
If you don’t hire me then I will start my own evil empire and become your arch nemesis. I’ll gnaw at your profit margins like they are a dog’s favorite chew toy, and the whole world will love me for it–with the rare exception of a financial analyst or two.
Let’some get some God Blessed Fritos in the f-ing vending machine, and not the damn “Chili-Cheese” ones either, and make them the big bags, not those little one dammit.
And beer.
just as long as they don’t go in the same machine as the ponies.
I don’t want any specific amount of money – that’s so gauche. I just want a minor bit of paperwork set up, allowing me to draw signature loans against the corporation at 0% interest, which do not have to be repaid. It’s nothing to worry about, just some minor paperwork.
I also think our organization should be more proactive. Why wait for employees to complain about being chained to their desks? Chain them to their desks as soon as they’re in, and only unchain them at quitting time, which will be whenever we say, of course.
Also, we should look at new paradigms. For example, decrease idle chatter, by gagging all employees except phone solicitors during work hours. That should increase productivity. Well, that and the whips.
Can I assume I have the position of VP in charge of human resources nailed?
I know several evil corporations which we might want to look into overtaking, or at least forming alliances with them. Once we get going, I’d like a position directing the refitting of their IT departments. I’m sure we could find some candidates for Lead Programmer and for Manager-IT Networks here on the Dope, too…
Wait a minute, I thought this corporation was just corrupt not outright evil.
This would explain why I have to cc Undersecretary Screwtape on all my memos.
Well . . .
We must overhaul the company’s sexual harrassment policy. Specifically, sexual harrassment should now be mandatory, not optional.
As part of our new gay rights policy, we encourage the hiring of lesbians. Hot nymphomaniac exhibitionist lesbians. For the corporate picnic.
We need to maintain our edge as a corrupt corporation. Therefore, bonuses for each successful bribe, backstabbing, lie, theft, and inconvenient coworker who vanishes.
Anyone who uses the term cow-orker is an inconvenient coworker, who vanishes.
Which is why we’ll be overtaking those. We’ll be doing society a benefit by bringing our better business practices into a sector sadly undermined by evil corporate leaders. Who will get hired back as soon as their cheques clear, but only if their wives meet with Der Trihs’s approval after careful inspection.
Memo
To: OpalCat - Chief Executive Officer
Acme Amalgamated Industries
From: Plnnr
It has come to my attention that we may be failing to maximize our potential in several very important business realms. By failing to achieve the synergy needed to empower and best utilize the resources (fiscal, material, and personal) that Acme Amalgamated Industies has under its control (both direct and indirect), the company may be “coming up short,” as it were, in terms of overall profit. In order to rectify this situation, shrink our margins, grow our profits, and in the vernacular “make a killing,” I suggest the following steps be implemented immediately:
Each of these measures has been given careful analysis and consideration, and I raise them only for discussion purposes. Of course, any final action must await the full recommendation of the full Board of Directors; however, I feel confident they will agree with most, if not all, of my proposals. I urge you to poll the members and gather their input. It is only by running it up the flagpole and gaining concensus that we can close this loop, achieve a suitable paradigm shift, and become even more astronomically wealthy.
If you have any questions, or need additional information, please advise.
Plnnr
/pl
CC: Roswell File
Oswald Binder
A. Earhart (without attachments)
L. Costello and B. Abbott (all documents via microfiche)
I’m willing to accept a more reasonable salary as an executive, something in the modest six figures – and oodles of company stock, preferred series, 10% dividend. And of course a trophy wife.
It’s not enough to be corrupt about the company. It’s important to minimize the tax taken out of the payday for that corruption, and presently dividends have a lower tax rate than earned income. I’d have to check with our corrupt accountants (oxymoron, I know) about the tax impact to OpalCorp of salary vs. preferred dividends.
As I saw a posting for a network admin position, let me put in my resume for the File & Print section of the organization.
This work, of course, would have to fit into my brewing schedule for the Executive lounges.
Er, only for those cute girls in Marketing.
Better either of those than pony play.
Except for the cute girls in Marketing.
Even better:
the company should pay all our business expenses. Since our lives are dedicated to the company and we keep it in our minds, hearts and wallets 24/7, our business expenses include everything, so long as it doesn’t drive our bottom line into looking bad to the banks.