Ask a young woman whose husband recently died

[BMalion]

@Stendhal_Syndrome

If you don’t mind sharing…why did your marriage end? Just curious.
…

I have posted about it before, I don’t mind.

Basically she had issues with trust and control. She hid it with amazing skill during the courtship. It started to come out about a couple months after the honeymoon. I saw she had problems but thought that if I just had love and understanding it would all work out. Ironically, the more I improved as a husband (and I had a lot of imperfections, believe me) the more she would scream and nag. We had lots of couselling, to no avail. I stuck it out for 4 years and she finally served me with papers, while I was visiting my sister.

I learned a great deal. Oddly enough, when diagnosed last year with Multiple Sclerosis I realized how lucky I was to not be married to her.

She would have said “you know, MS is a moral weakness.”

Just remember, we are here for you. I wish I could mow your lawn, hard to do from a wheelchair. : )

[Southern_Yankee]

I don’t have a question either, but I did not know that gurujulp had passed away and I wanted to convey my sympathies. I’m not sure we ever interacted but I remember him as a poster. I’m terribly sorry for your loss.

[Stendhal_Syndrome]

@Philster

…

My only insight, for now anyway, is to move forward without feeling a need to slam the door shut on the past at any point. Weave it into your future.

I LOVE this. Thank you!

@Happy_Lendervedder

Glad to hear it! And yet another way Jesse’s story connects with me: I’m a proud member (and employee) of AFSCME, and likewise I’ve got my green AFSCME shirts on probably more than my wife cares to see them.

Awesome! I, of course kept one of his many SEIU t shirts.

@BMalion

…

She would have said “you know, MS is a moral weakness.”

Just remember, we are here for you. I wish I could mow your lawn, hard to do from a wheelchair. : )

Ugh on the “moral weakness” bit. :eek:
Thank you for sharing. I am sure you would’ve thought of other ways to help if you were closer. Appreciate the thought.

@Southern_Yankee

I don’t have a question either, but I did not know that gurujulp had passed away and I wanted to convey my sympathies. I’m not sure we ever interacted but I remember him as a poster. I’m terribly sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

[Nava]

@Stendhal_Syndrome

To me the word widow is just so depressing and I imagine an old woman in a rocking chair, sitting on her porch, just waiting for her life to be over as well. I guess a lot of it has to do with my culture. I was born in India I spent the first 21 years of my life there. A woman’s life once her husband is dead is pretty much over and society just doesn’t care about them anymore. The pain I am going through right now is huge and there have been moments during my grief when I have wished for death as well. But its fleeting. I understand and acknowledge where its coming from. For some reason, when my father in law referred to me as a widow a few times, I felt like I was no longer married to Jesse. I am still his wife even though he is dead. I also feel like the word makes people want to pity me. I don’t want pity.

Spanish distinguishes between a widow and a young widow, with that same assumption that a widow with no adjective is an old woman in mourning garb, but with less overtones of “she was her husband’s appendage; no husband, she’s nothing”. I kind of can see where you’re coming from with that.

My mother used to say she’d never refer to herself as a widow; she didn’t understand why her mother-in-law’s mailbox used to say “[her name], widow of [his name]”. After Dad died, she changed her mind to the notion that in those situations where she would have used my father’s name as a reference (i.e., meeting people who knew my father best), it still is best to give his name as a reference. And she still gets mail adressed to him, or to the Hislastname Herlastname family.

@Stendhal_Syndrome

I still wear my wedding ring, so people assume there is a significant other some where.

Spanish custom is for the widow(er) to wear both rings. I know someone who remarried and who was in a fret over “so what do I do now, wear three rings?” They solved it by storing the two old rings and having the new alliances be this sort of braided design of white, yellow and green gold.

[Stendhal_Syndrome]

Before the coroners office took him away that night, they told me that they left his wedding band on the dresser for me. I had my friend bring it to me right away and its hung around my neck since.
When my parents and my sister were visiting a few weeks before he died, we had our our own silly Indian wedding on our back deck. We walked around the fire we lit while our daughter captured it on video and we took my parents blessings. As part of our backayrd Indian wedding, Jesse put the traditional black bead necklace around my neck that night. His wedding band hangs from that around my neck now. Women are supposed to take the necklace off after the death of their husband, but I don’t want to and I am not going to.

Green gold? Never heard of that.

[BMalion]

Good! You wear whatever you want.

[Nava]

@Stendhal_Syndrome

Green gold? Never heard of that.

You only see the greenish tinge if you have it side by side with white gold, silver or similar. I’ve seen it only in those rings and in Toledo inlays. The inlays can be made fully in gold, or fully in silver. Some combine yellow and white parts, where the yellow is regular gold and the “white” is green gold. I asked one of the artisans who make it what does the green gold contain and he said the main component other than gold is silver.

You can see an example of Toledo inlays (damasquinado) here.

[phreesh]

I have a young family myself and can’t imagine losing my wife and having to carry on by myself. I wish you all the strength you will need.

How have you managed the bazillion little things that need to change now that there’s only one parent? You mentioned family, have they stepped in? I’m thinking of child care, dinners, shuttling kids to activities, etc.

How are you handling constant reminders of him? Are you putting things away or are you trying to keep things the same? I don’t know which way I’d want to go. Either constantly be reminded of what you’re missing or not be reminded, but also not be reminded of the wonderful stuff that happened between you two.

Has your oldest been confused about what happened? Angry?

[Stendhal_Syndrome]

@phreesh

I have a young family myself and can’t imagine losing my wife and having to carry on by myself. I wish you all the strength you will need.

How have you managed the bazillion little things that need to change now that there’s only one parent? You mentioned family, have they stepped in? I’m thinking of child care, dinners, shuttling kids to activities, etc.

How are you handling constant reminders of him? Are you putting things away or are you trying to keep things the same? I don’t know which way I’d want to go. Either constantly be reminded of what you’re missing or not be reminded, but also not be reminded of the wonderful stuff that happened between you two.

Has your oldest been confused about what happened? Angry?

Thank you!
Well…my sister came within two days to help with childcare and other things. When I had to run errands, make funeral arrangements she or my mother in law were with me. I am breastfeeding, so I took Maya with me everywhere and nursed her as and when needed. I made sure somebody would be home when Isis got back from school. The school is two blocks away from our home and Isis always walks to school and back with her group of friends. So someone was always there. There has been one time when I had to go to an appointment and nobody could be home to watch Isis. So I called the school and picked her up early and took her with me. Right now, I have my mother. So I leave the baby with her when I have to go out.
I have friends with children who have been taking Isis with them during the weekends and also some weekday evenings, which also has been fantastic.
The constant reminders continue to be an ongoing painful struggle. For weeks I didn’t change the sheets because I wanted to still be able to smell him. I used his towel for a long time. I took the shirt he last wore to bed with me for days. I still use his tooth brush.
At first I didn’t want to move any of his personal belongings but then one morning I woke up and took a giant plastic box and filled it with some of his clothes that still have the smell of his skin, his fav shoes and cowboy boots, his leather jacket, and some of his other personal belongings that he loved and I closed the lid to the box and put it away safely in the garage. The rest of his things, I haven’t moved. His ties, shirts, and blazers still hang there in the closet. I will get to them when I feel like it. It is comforting to have them there. I sometimes post on his facebook wall when I feel like saying something to him.
I thought Isis was confused in the beginning. I mean…she was with me that night and I had to wake her up because I needed someone to watch the baby while I was on the phone with 911. She also saw mommy trying frantically to revive daddy. So when it was all over, I thought that she was expecting daddy to come back when he got better. But I spoke to her and she knew what was going on. We have had several conversations since about death and dying.

For a few years now, she has been using the word “meep”, a word she invented to deal with difficult feelings. For example, if we are talking to her about something that happened in school that got her in trouble…she will start of with “meeeep!..I am sorry”. Or “Isis how do you feel about___ (something that’s painful/emotional)” and she’ll shrug and say, “meep”.

Right now she refers to it as.." Mama…the night when daddy meeped…"
Its funny because a lot of adults in the family have also begun using the word. The other day Jesse’s aunt asked, “have you received the meep certificate yet?”
Even though she has been doing very well given everything, I think she is also repressing a lot of the pain. Like me, I think she has also begun to hate moments of quiet and she becomes restless and keeps wanting to do something or the other. We have read quiet a few grief books together, “Tear Soup” being her favorite. That’s why I think therapy would also do her good. She probably will benefit from talking to someone other than me about how she feels.
The children are the the most painful reminders at the moment. I feel like crying every time I look at their faces.
Writing helps a lot. My blog, if you are interested is storiesforjesse.blogspot.com
I try and post there everyday.
I also have a personal journal where I write things that are difficult to talk about on the blog…or things that I would like to keep just between me and Jesse.

[BMalion]

I am praying for you and the girls right now. God give you strength.

[Viridiana]

Ohhh…the ‘meep’ thing started to bring the tears to my eyes, but they really spilled when I saw those cute pictures of you two on your blog I am so, so sorry and just want to hug you. I’m really glad you’ve got family to support you. I may think of a question later when the lump’s left my throat.

[Becky2844]

Bless your heart Stendhal Syndrome. At your young age you’ve already experienced something I haven’t, as a senior citizen. Once my husband and I were talking about how things might be when one of us passed away, when we looked at each other and realized that only one of us would ever know.

He had a bad heart attack while in his forties. I remember being so mad; mad at the hospital that was holding him when I couldn’t, and mad at him for “doing it.”

I’m thinking Jesse will be able to visit you in your dreams when you’re able to let him.
…words aren’t enough, but you and your girls are in my thoughts.

[Becky2844]

@Ellen_Cherry

My mother lost my dad when he was just 49. I was an adult, but I had two little sisters who were just 7. I am so very sorry for your loss. It’s unimaginable and only time will lessen the grief.

This is probably very obvious advice, but do try to get back into life as soon as you feel comfortable. In the small town where I grew up, a woman who was a good family friend was widowed when she was only about 26. She threw her life into her children and the community and never, ever thought to marry again. She said she’d been married and that was it. She told my mom that she’d made a mistake, and that talk helped my mom know that she could still have a life in the future. In may be too soon for this words for you right now, but I hope they help if you need them.

My question: do you have a hard time telling people? I suffered a similar loss (a child) and it’s always been hard to tell people. It’s too much attention on me, and it makes them so sorrowful I hate to give that to people. On the other hand, I hate lying when asked how many children I have.

I certainly don’t mean to side-track this thread but, Ellen, I already liked you. Now I admire you for your strength.

[cochrane]

I don’t have anything to share except that I think this is a wonderful way to help you work through your grief. I know that Dopers can be very supportive and I hope this helps you get through your loss. I am very sorry about your husband and I hope you and your children come through this all right.

[BMalion]

Just looked at your bog.

You and the girls are beautiful!

[Stendhal_Syndrome]

@Viridiana

Ohhh…the ‘meep’ thing started to bring the tears to my eyes, but they really spilled when I saw those cute pictures of you two on your blog I am so, so sorry and just want to hug you. I’m really glad you’ve got family to support you. I may think of a question later when the lump’s left my throat.

We all love hugs! So hugs right back at ya. Thank you for thinking about us.
I think she also uses “meep” sometimes instead of “shit”.

@Becky2844

Bless your heart Stendhal Syndrome. At your young age you’ve already experienced something I haven’t, as a senior citizen. Once my husband and I were talking about how things might be when one of us passed away, when we looked at each other and realized that only one of us would ever know.
He had a bad heart attack while in his forties. I remember being so mad; mad at the hospital that was holding him when I couldn’t, and mad at him for “doing it.”

I’m thinking Jesse will be able to visit you in your dreams when you’re able to let him.
…words aren’t enough, but you and your girls are in my thoughts.

I never thought about it that way Becky. Yes, I think I am not letting him come to me in my dreams. I feel like that means taking it to the next level and starting to let go. I am still holding on to so much and I cannot let go of him.
Thank you for your kind words.

@cochrane

I don’t have anything to share except that I think this is a wonderful way to help you work through your grief. I know that Dopers can be very supportive and I hope this helps you get through your loss. I am very sorry about your husband and I hope you and your children come through this all right.

Exactly why Jess and I love the Dope. I have found so much comfort here already. Thank you for the well wishes.

@BMalion

Just looked at your bog.

You and the girls are beautiful!

Why…thank you! I haven’t written today, but will be writing in a bit and posting there soon.
Today has been a good day. A big legal milestone achieved. Maybe I will get some sleep tonight and see Jesse in my dreams.

[BMalion]

Tell him we said “hi!”.

And I didn’t mean to say I looked at your “bog”. I meant “blog” of course. You probubly do not own any swampland.

[Stendhal_Syndrome]

I need to rant…
Can I do it here? Or should I start a new thread somewhere?

[Marley23]

@Stendhal_Syndrome

I need to rant…
Can I do it here? Or should I start a new thread somewhere?

Go ahead and do it here.

[Stendhal_Syndrome]

This is not addressed to anybody on the Dope. I love you guys.

ok…to all the fuckers who have been talking “at” me since my husband died, please stop. Stop pretending like you know what I am feeling and telling me the many different ways in which I am fucking up at the moment.

Stop reminding me of the other zillion things that I forgot to take care of just when I have worked may ass off for two months, day and night, through my grief, and finally got something important done. You weren’t there to help me through any of that. You just sat in your own little happy fucking world, far away, instructing me to do things your way and then reminded me at the end of it all that I could’ve done it another way.

And stop telling me, “oh…you still have such a long hard road ahead of you…” Really? That’s enlightening.

There have been many times since Jesse’s death when I have secretly hoped that I don’t wake up in morning, or wished that I could just curl up into a ball and cry and forget that I have two little children who need me. I have continued to move forward and do the best I can. I don’t need to explain that you.

And to the fucker who asked me to “get my head out of the clouds…” just fuck off!
You don’t know me, you don’t know my children, you don’t know the relationship I shared with my husband. If you keep it up, you will be trying to get my foot out out of your ass, dickhead!

Last but not least, to the fuckers who knew my husband before I knew him…
Knowing him for a few years longer than I did doesn’t give you the right to disrespect me and and my family and then shrug it off by saying…“sorry…we all grieve in our own ways!” Go grieve on your own…far away from me then.

And, stop saying, “I have known Jesse way before you came into his life…” Ok and so what? That doesn’t minimize my relationship or my love for him or give you the right to tell me what I need to be doing right now.

I am his wife. I lived with him, shared my bed with him, loved him dearly, am the mother to his children. I knew him in ways you have never known him.
So really…stop trying to one up me. It’s juvenile.

I am taking care of shit to the best of my ability and I haven’t lapsed into a life of drug abuse and other forms of fuckery.

I will not hesitate to drop you from our “friends” list if you keep this shit up and your high and mighty self will no longer be allowed to be part of our lives.

Peace, asshats!:mad::mad::mad::mad:

[SIZE=“1”]Thank you! I feel much better now.[/SIZE]