Preach it, sister!
I just want to say how sorry I am to hear of your loss.
Plus I think that your incredibly brave .
I hope all goes well for you for the future.
Stendhal Syndrome, my wife’s friends have said to her, and this is short of a direct quote, but pretty spot on: “You’re lucky your husband is dead. You get to move on. I have to divorce mine and have him torture me forever.”
REALLY?!! These were dear friends of hers. This is just some of the jaw-dropping stuff I’ve heard.
I expect more venting from you! It is amazing and stunning what people will say. I’m not going to patronize you and/or tell you everything will be ok. No one knows that. I don’t know that. I can encourage you to share some of this stuff, because I personally feel it is incredible insight into human behavior. Also, I hope it helps you. Can’t say it does. Can’t know for sure. I just hope it does!
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Becky, thank you for your kind words.
Stendhal Syndrome, I am so sorry you have to deal with idiots on top of having to deal with this horrible grief. I don’t know if it will help you, but I often thought of the all the women in years past who lost partners and children, and they made it through. I didn’t think they had it easy, but it comforted me somewhat to know that they lived through it. When you don’t think you’ll be able to live through it, it’s nice to think of people who actually did.
Also related: people often say that it would “kill them” to lose a spouse or child. To us, this sounds like, why aren’t you dead? You must not have loved them enough because it would KILL ME. Well no, every day you wake up and you’re still breathing. Every day you are still alive. Somehow one day leads to another and you’ve lived through the worst of it. Sigh. That’s how it is.
Who… who even says this? That’s a horrible, heartless thing to say to you! Someone deserved an ass-footing, if you ask me. A daydreaming teenager avoiding math homework has her head in the clouds - that expression does not apply to your situation. Dickhead indeed!
You’re a tremendously strong person, and I am so glad you’re staying with us on the SDMB. We’re just imaginary Internet people, but we listen, and we pray (in various ways), and we try to take care of our own. I’ve been following your blog, and I thank you for sharing it with us, even though it makes me cry.
People say stupid things. They don’t understand–they can’t. I know, however, that some of my anger after my husband died was not really anger at others as much as anger at the universe for taking my beloved. I was mad that other women had their husbands, that assholes in prison were alive, that my poor baby had to suffer. Just something to think about. I had never known anger on that scale. I even had recurrent intrusive fantasies in which I pictured myself kicking the holy shit out of a faceless, nameless person. Scared me at first until I realized it was just my anger at the world.
Thank you Ellen for this and also sharing your story. I wish I could hug you.
Well…I wish I could hug all of you.
And that person said it to a few days after my husband died. His spouse didn’t just die on him, mine did. I wish people just didn’t say anything and sit in silence than open their mouth and say something hurtful, and stupid.
Thank you for reading my blog. Appreciate it.
Brynda…I thought about that literally a day or two after Jesse died. The funeral home lists obituaries on their website and I remember going online to read Jesse’s obit and then being curious about all these other people that had passed. ALL of them listed there were significantly older and I remember being so angry about why another old person couldn’t die instead, why Jess? And yes, anger also makes me wonder many other things: Why does she get to keep her husband when their marriage is so shitty and they cheat on each other? Why is that man alive after three heart attacks? And yes…Why are all those murderers in prison still alive?
I have a lot of those angry why’s…
Of course I don’t wish ill on anyone but I am fucking MAD that Jesse had to leave so soon.
Thank you for sharing. Makes me feel “normal”.
Thank you all for letting me rant. I cried and slept for two hours after that. I asked Isis why she didn’t wake me up after she came home from school and she said, “Mama…because you need to sleep. I know you cannot sleep at night.” I love my child.
Those of us who’ve been through the pain and hurt of a divorce can’t imagine anything worse.
You are living it.
Forgive us.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through all this pain, Stendhal Syndrome. I don’t recall whether I posted this in an earlier thread, but my husband was 38 when he died and I was a year younger. We had an 11-year old son at the time. Caring for him helped me go on.
Seven years after his death, I had “the” dream. I dreamt he came to visit me, and I was happy to see him. I told him that it was good that he came, it had been long enough and that I wanted a divorce. He said ok. I asked him how he was doing, he said fine. We hugged, and then he left. I shut the door behind him.
The next day, I took off my wedding band. I still think of him very often, every day at some point or another, but there is less pain in the remembering. I can’t gaze at that absence, that chasm, too long however.
I didn’t go for therapy, perhaps the process would have been shorter, but perhaps there are no rules, that we each mourn in our own way and in our own time.
Your blog is beautiful, as are you all: you, Jesse, your lovely little ones. Hugs to you all.
Sorry for the double post but I wanted to acknowledge your post. I read that comment some place recently, can’t remember where. But yeah, what a shitty thing to say to someone who lost their husband.
Brings to mind the interactions with this one person who considers herself a good friend of Jesse. She showed up from out of state for the service. I had never met her. I had heard about her, spoken to her a few times on the phone and we are friends of facebook, but nothing beyond that. She decides to drop in right after she lands and rents a car, at around 11 pm the day before the service. She doesn’t call before she comes. We all were expecting her to do something ridiculous because she had started drama right after she had heard about his passing.
So here she is…sitting in our family room. I am the only one awake. I am tired and I have been crying all day. I cannot think straight. She asks me wake Isis up so she could see her and I say no. Then…the first thing that comes out of her mouth after that “So how did he die? Did he abuse drugs or pain meds or something? What happened?”
Ummm…what…? Who…? Did you just say that to me?:eek:
Then she continues to make a list of demands:
Can I drop by the funeral home tomorrow because I would like to see him before cremation?
um…no! We had decided that only family members and very very very close friends who are like family would get to see him and nobody else.
Can I have an unwashed shirt of his or something? I would like to smell him and take it back with me.
um…hell to the no!
Can I take Isis out for brunch tomorrow?
Er…no!
Can she spend the night with me?
No… no!
And on and on…
Then after around ten minutes, I stand up and tell her that she needs to leave and I need to get some sleep.
The next day, the day of the service, she sends me a text letting me know that Jesse was being cremated in 20 mins and to please let her see him.
I begin to freak the fuck out! The funeral home was supposed to call me before they cremated him and I knew we were still waiting on the permit. But I still freak out and get on the phone with them. I was crying and shaking.
Didn’t occur to me that she was fucking with me. I mean…who does shit like this?
She was lying. They had no idea what I was talking about and assured me that I will be notified about everything and not to worry.
I tell them about this so called “friend” and inform them that she is causing some drama and to please not give any information to her and to respect our privacy.
Then a few minutes later, I receive a call from the funeral home saying that there is a lady demanding to see Jesse claiming that she has known him for over 25 years. I politely ask them to send her away and that every one who needs to see him, have seen him already.
Then she sends me a text calling me a liar and something about karma and being a bad influence on my children and blah blah blah…
At this point, the rest of family is talking about not having her at the service and arranging for a police escort if needed.
I don’t remember anything much after that. I was getting ready for my husband’s service and standing up there and addressing friends and family was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.
She did show up to the service. She was watched keenly by staff and family.
She gave me a hug at the end of the service and whispered, " I am sorry for being an asshole…" and ended it with the typical insensitive comment, " but I knew him for a long time…":rolleyes:
Haven’t heard from her since and don’t really care very much for her.
Some people say and do insensitive things at times like these because they don’t know what to do in such a painful situation. Others people are just desperate for attention and can’t imagine that someone else’s feelings might be more important. I think a lot of people get very, very uncomfortable with the idea that you are in serious pain and there’s no easy solution, so they do things that are dumb and insensitive because they are trying to convince themselves things are not that bad for you. It’s not malicious, but it is shallow and it can be infuriating. One thing about going through an experience like this is that you find out who you can depend on when things get serious and who you can do without. If over the next few months you find yourself disconnecting from some people in your life who you didn’t really need, I don’t think that would be unusual.
I am a widow myself coming up on 10 years now, a “seasoned” widow, if you will.
If I may, I can suggest 2 sites that helped me.
Is that allowed?
widownet.org, and google YWBB-Young Widows Bulletin Board.
We discuss everything there, DGI’s, (people who Don’t Get It), and widowbrain (the fog of widowhood) and practical matters like home repair, and skin hunger (yes, it’s real) and the things about widowhood that make you think you’re going crazy.
I credit especially Widownet, with keeping me alive–and honestly, that is not an exaggeration.
So sorry for your loss. I have been where you are.
People handle grief their own way.
Of course, if they are an ass, they handle it like an ass.
Yes, it is.
First - your posting about his death choked me up. I’m sorry.
Second, glad to know I’m in good company. I’m not an SEIU member now-job change- but my purple shirt is still a favorite. 
When I wear it, I usually get a comment or a high-five, so I’d like to think I would’ve interacted with an SIEU brother had we been at the same checkout stand in the grocery store.
Ellen commented about losing a child (a horrified gasp escaped my mouth when I saw that) and how you think you’d die if it happened, but you’re somehow breathing. You two are strong and brave. I know you don’t feel that way and it’s probably annoying to hear it, but in the event that this thread is found via the Internet search engine gods…
**
Do you have any regrets about any decisions you made after your husbands’ death?** (not that you’d be faulted for anything!)
Losing a spouse a family member is so painful. My grandmother and grandfather didn’t have a happy marriage, yet my grandmother still walks around lost all these years later. (It’s been twelve years.) I think of my grandmother in two ways: “Before Grandpa” and “After Grandpa”.
My auntie lost her daughter last summer -it was sudden, a suicide/overdose- and she didn’t go to the hospital when she was taken off life support. She didn’t have a funeral, either -just a dinner at her house. She just didn’t know how. I wondered later if she regretted that, but I never asked. It isn’t my job to. So I guess I have two questions.
What are people supposed to say when they want to express grief/condolences/thoughts for the passing of a close family member? Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, so I’ll be seeing my aunt and grandmother (who helped raise my cousin), and I feel like I should mention my cousin then. Is that appropriate? Isn’t Mother’s Day already a little painful for my aunt? She had two children, so do I say “Happy Mother’s Day” and leave it at that, or do I mention her daughter? I always worry I’ll say the wrong thing. At what point do you personally want people to stop mentioning how sorry they are?
Everyone handles a death a little differently. I wish you all the best. <3 And Happy Mother’s Day.
Hi Farmer Jane!
Happy Mother’s Day to you. 
I am assuming that is your boy in the pic.
Sorry for the late post. Mother’s day is coming to an end.
No. I don’t regret anything since Jesse’s death. Of course I regretted not having done a lot of things when he died and have a ton of guilt over things like not sleeping next to him that night, not paying more attention to his symptoms, not taking him to the ER (?). I go crazy thinking about all the things I should’ve done… wondering if he would be alive today, if I had done them.
I decided to sleep in the guest bedroom for a few hours that night (which I have never done in the past) with the baby because he was snoring and I was so tired taking care of the baby by myself all day. When I walked into our bedroom two hours later, he was gone. I don’t know if I will ever stop regretting that.
I personally don’t like it when people say they are sorry. I never did like it. I don’t say it to people when they have experienced loss. But that’s that just me.
Again, please don’t think I am being an ungrateful snob. I do appreciate all the support I have received here. Even if I don’t like to hear people mention how sorry they are, I understand what they mean and I get it. Again, some people might find it comforting. Grief just varies from person to person…and for both sides…people experiencing it and people providing the condolences.
I would still wish your aunt a happy mother’s day. She was a mother and still probably identifies with being a mother even if her daughter is gone.
I called and wished my mother in law first thing in the morning. Jesse was her only child. I can’t even imagine the pain she is experiencing. Jesse can never call her, ever. So I am going to take on that responsibility out of my love for her and my love for Jesse.
Yay for your purple SEIU shirt!
And thank you for the info DummyGladHands!
I peeked into Widownet.org and joined the website. I am still reading the posts and getting a feel for it.
Did you ever feel like ***nobody ***would understand your pain, even women who have lost their spouses?
I feel like that at times.
You are a wonderful woman and I wish you all the best.
Remember, it’s not your fault.
Continue to love your kids and honor his life.
I am so grateful for this opportunity to hear your thoughts and responses, all my concerns about my own difficulties melt away, thank you.
Thank you!
I was wary of you when you said you looked at my “bog”.
But, I think you are alright…:D:D
What a giveaway! :o