Ask Bob (the Chick tract guy)

These boards are supposed to about fighting ignorance, but you are all ignorant of the most important thing-- that you’re going to burn forever in a lake of fire! Did Ceceil Adams die for your sins? No! Only Jesus did! I am Bob. I am here to answer your questions about Christ so that you will have no excuse not to accept him as your saviour. Once you have read this thread there is no way out!

Ask away! There is nothing I can’t answer!

(no moustache questions, please)

Bob impersonators will die in a lake of mayonnaise.

Leviticus 19

Given this, how can you justify having a moustache? Isn’t it a sin in the eyes of the Lord?

Dear Bob,

What’s it like up in heaven? Does God have a favorite TV show? Does he have a Sega Dreamcast, Nintendo gamecube, or a Microsoft Xbox? Oh and speaking of which… that Bill Gates guy is getting awfully powerful for a mere mortal… perhaps you should ask God to kill him.

What are your favorite jokes?

The Devil quotes scripture! I specifically said no moustache questions! You mock now, but you will not mock when you are standing before Christ on his throne!

Secular entertainment is a tool of the Devil. God must watch reality shows so that he knows what the Devil is up to. God must pay special attention to the shows wher wicked, shameless women flaunt their bodies in bikinis. They are filthy whores and god must tape shows like “Elimidate” so that he can keep track of their evil deeds. God knows who is going to win “Joe Millionaire” but he will not tell me.

God must play the Devil’s video games in order to defeat him. God cannot get past the first boat chase in “GTA: Vice City,” because the Devil has cursed his controller, but God will win! God will win!

Q. What do you call ten thousand gays and Catholics burning in Hell foever?

A. Only the start of God’s divine judgement! Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Lake of fire.
Lake of fire who?
A lake of fire is waiting for you when you die!!
Haw haw haw, those are good ones!

Why do the heathens rage?

They rage because because they hate Christ! They rage because they will reject the love of the one who died for them . If they will not accept His love then they will BURN!

Despite all their rage they are still just rats in a cage!

(Who would have that Diogenese could do such a damn good Bob impersonation? If Diog starts to ‘testify’ or ‘witness’ in GD, we know the end times are upon us…)

Does God hear my girlfriends cries of “oh God, Oh God, Oh God Yesss, ohhhJesus Crist!”?..

You better believe God hears it! And he SEES it! God has every moment of your sinful fornication on DVD…He hates fornication bigtime! He especially hates the the part where your girlfriend’s wearing the nurse’s uniform. He watches every filthy moment again and again so he will remember it on judgement day…and don’t think He doesn’t know where your user name came from! God has all of your namesake’s DVD’s too!

Who is this man you call Jesus Christ? Although I am an educated person, I have lasted thirty-seven years without hearing of this man. Please tell me, Bob; a Google search turned up nothing.

Dear Bob,

I’ve read a lot of the Chick tracts, and I’ve always wondered: Why doesn’t God have a face? Is this some sort of birth defect? A horrible belt-sander accident when creating the platypus?

Finally! An intelligent question! Well the answer is simple, Jello, Jesus is the son of God. Jesus came to Earth in order to die for your sins. If you believe that Christ is your saviour you will live in Chick Heaven forever, but if you reject His gift, you will BURN! You will BURN In FIRE FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!

Now that you have read this you have no choice! You have been warned! There is no way out! Repent or you will Burn! Burn I say! FIRE, FIRE FIRE!!!

Heh heh heh, Hell is COOL!

So, Bob, what would you say if you wanted your mule to make three consecutive left turns?

Man, this is obscure.

DoctorJ, you just made my night. I’m stealing that.

Bob, I’m looking for a car. Now, I realize I can’t buy a Saturn, because it’s named after a heathen “god”, and I know that a Blazer is out of the question because it glorifies the lake of fire that all sinners will burn in for eternity, but I’ve found a pretty good deal on a Probe and I’m thinking of taking it.

Any comments?

Well, you didn’t hear this from me, Lissa, but God’s had a little “work” done and it didn’t go too well. He just wanted to tighten things up a little bit, He’s infinity years old you know, He wanted to shave off a couple trillion years but he picked a bad surgeon. His face is kind of a mess right now but he’s looking for a new doctor. The nose is especially bad…ick, you should see it, it’s a train wreck.

Uh Mr. Bob, Sir?

I always wondered…

Are you the lost twin of John Waters?

And what is your opinion of the divine and Divine?!?

Haw, haw haw!

Nothing is too obscure for GOD!

Let’s examine that word “probe,” for a moment, 2true. Who uses probes? ALIENS, THAT’S WHO! Aliens who are sent by SATAN to confuse us! They are dispatched from a secret hangar at the Devil’s church in Rome! Those who drive the Devil’s cars will burn forever in FIRE!!

I would suggest a Toyota Corolla. Good mileage.