Ask Osama Bin Landers

And now for our next installments (Fenris?) of Ask Osama
Dear Osama Bin Landers:

I’m a 52 year old man, and I just married the woman of my dreams. She’s 26 with the body of a 24 year old. I just know that after three less-than-perfect marriages, this time I’m going to do things right.

Anyway, here’s my problem: my beautiful young bride dresses like a whore. And she wears too much make-up. Even when we go to the grocery store, she spends half and hour putting on rouge, lipstick and eyelash stuff before she’ll even get in the car. When she goes out to walk the dog, she has her hair done up and she wears tiny cut-off shorts with high heels and a little white tee-shirt. Of course she never wears a bra, despite the blessings God gave her.

I really had no proplem with the way she looked while we were dating. In fact it was one of the things that attracted me to her. But in the three months that I’ve known her (and specifically the six weeks we’ve been married), I’ve yet to see her without gobs of make-up slopped on her face.

Cutting to the chase now: in the past two weeks, I’ve had five different guys ask me if they could have sex with my wife-- two of them were brothers, but that’s beside the point.

I’ve asked her to tone down the hoochie-ness, but she refuses. She says this is how she ‘expresses herself.’ Whatever that means.

What should I do about this? And, more specifically, what should I do when I have guys approach me with an indecent proposal? (To sleep with her.) (My wife.) (These guys.)

Not Pimpin My Ho in Knoxville
P.S. I hope you rot in hell, you bastage

Ask away, folks! Osama Bin Landers answers all letters sent to him in a thoughtful, yet straightforward, manner. Famous for “telling it like it is,” Osama Bin Landers appears in over 1,200 newspapers worldwide.
And remember all photos and letters sent to Osama Bin Landers become the property of the Al Qaeda Syndicate and cannot be returned.


Dear Osama bin Landers,

My daughter came home late from school yesterday. She is in the fourth grade, and she gets straight A’s, but she got into trouble in class and had to stay after school as a punishment. Her transgression, she says, was her persistence in saying, “under Allah” instead of, “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance. I have made an appointment to talk to the teacher next week. What should I do when I beard the teacher in his den?

Hassan bin Sohot

Dear Osama Bin Landers:

I have a problem. All I want to do is go outside in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and let the sun shine on my face. My husband said this is a sin, but I don’t believe it. He said people might see my face, but I said I don’t care. What do you think?


Bare-faced girl in TX

This is what’s going on. If you didn’t know, why haven’t you read this yet?

Dear Not Pimpin My Ho in Knoxville

You will do nothing to these men. They are only behaving properly. It is your wife, the harlot who must be taught a lesson. “Express herself”??? She’s a woman? What kind of things could she possibly express that would be worth hearing?

I recommend repeated beatings.

Osama Bin Landers

Dear Osama bin Landers,

Should toilet paper be placed on the roll so that the free end comes over the roll, or goes under the roll? Please help, my marriage is riding on this one.


In Turmoil over Toilet Paper

Dear Wicked Infidel,

I am pleased that you have chosen to ask me this question. It shows you to be the FOOL you ARE!

Why are you sending your daughter to school? What is there for her to learn?

Beyond that, the first line of the so-called “pledge” (I SPIT on the pledge) is “I pledge allegiance to the flag”.

Do you know what that is? DO YOU??


Even now my minions are hunting for you, infidel.

Osama bin Landers

Dear Osama bin Landers,

A few years ago you published in your column an essay entitled “Please Allah, I’m Only Seventeen.” It’s so beautiful it makes me weep.

Crying in Carolina

**Bare-faced girl in TX **,

You are a hussy. But you knew this. You only posted this to anger me.

It has worked.

A plane is scheduled to crash into you the next time you engage in wanton behavior.

Osama Bin Fenris

** Turmoil over Toilet Paper**

First, I am not convinced that toilet paper is acceptible. It is a modern invention from a society rife with wickedness. But I am not fully convinced that using it is a sin (I feel much the same way about fire. It’s too modern of an invention and we do not know how to fit it into Allah’s will).

Second, why is your marriage in turmoil over this? It hangs the way the husband wants it to. It is the wife’s duty to obey.

Osama Bin Landers

Dear Osama bin Landers–

There’s this guy who wears a blue uniform, blue hood/mask, likes snake insignia, complains about somebody named “Joe” a lot. He keeps trying to recruit me into his international terrorist organization.
Is this a good career move?

And, do international terror groups provide dental?



Dear Osama,

My cat keeps pissing and throwing up everywhere. I am sick and tired of getting up in the middle of the night and stepping in cold puke.

So my question is: what’s your favourite TV show?

Because I really care

DearCrying in California,


I considered putting this in the column that I graciously allowed TEEMINGS to print (I have still not gotten my royalty check Mr. Editor. I will, for the moment, assume it has been lost in the mail.), but chose not to as I only print it upon request.

I give it to you now.

Please Allah, I’m only 17,

It was an ordinary school day. Like all modern women, I was wicked and evil and missed the bus because I was busy primping myself.

Since I was busy painting my face like a hussy and missed the bus, I took stole my father’s car, even knowing that women shouldn’t drive.

However, Allah (praise be his name) being just and compassionate, caused one of my tires to blow out, and I careened into a liquor store. How ironic!

Now as I lay here, under the crumpled metal in a puddle of booze, a policeman appears.

“Here’s the painted harlot who did this!” he said as he kicked my body.

“HEY! Don’t kick me!” I wanted to say. I was still so wicked that I wanted to talk back to a man. But I couldn’t.

The store owner appeared, wringing his hands. The policeman correctly berated him for owning a shop of evil where they sell alcohol.

I was taken to the edge of town, and dumped on the side of the road, a warning for other painted hussies that they will not be tolerated here.

Then I felt myself descend to hell. As I sink into eternal torment, I can only think “Please Allah, I’m only 17!”

Osama Bin Landers

Dear Interested Party,

I’m much too busy to answer this question. I give it to my cousin to answer.

Hey-diddly-ho, heathens and harlot-a-roonies! This is your good pal Osama bin Flanders coming atcha!

Sounds like Bos-diddly-da has a couscous of a problem on his hands. Bosda, first, anyone who’s against that “Joe” fella is fine as a flogging, as far as I’m concerned!

As for the dental plan, why you ol’ Silly-Satan, don’t you know that Allah’s against health-care? If He’d wanted you to be healthy, you’d be healthy. Working against his will is as naughty as naughty can be!

I say, sign-diddly-ine right on up with them!

Osama bin Flanders

:wipes tear:

Please pass this on to as many Islamic-extremist friends as you can.
1-10 friends, you will see a virgin from afar
11-15 friends, you will see a virgin’s bare ankle
16-20 friends, you will touch a virgin’s bare ankle
21-25 friends, you will lick a virgin’s bare ankle
26 or more, 72 virgins will pleasure you orally for many days


Dear Osama bin Landers,

During a five-way gang bang last week, while being ridden by my large-breasted bisexual babysitter “Amber”, my large-breasted next-door neighbor “Tiffany” sat on my face so that I could give her oral pleasure while she fellated the well-hung young man who delivered pizzas to our party. I was more than happy to oblige and began licking Tiffany with enthusiasm. However, she kept trying to position herself to receive analingus from me, which I prefer to only give after a thorough shower. When I squirmed away, she called me a dirty pig and later refused to swallow my massive load, forcing me to ejaculate on the rug. It really put a damper on the party for me. How could I have handled the situation more tactfully? Should I call her?

sign me,
Shower First, Please

Dear Osama bin Landers,

My husband won’t fornicate with me while I’m menstruating. What should I do?


Lisa Ann

:eek: ! :eek:

Dear Osama:

Do you have room for one more story about how I met my husband during the Jihad?

My father had taken me and my sisters to the bazaar, where he was planning to buy a new goat. From afar, I could hear a man crying, "Harlot! Your ankle was showing through your chador!" He beat her severely, and the crowd joined in, throwing rocks at her, until she died of blood loss.

At that, the man looked around and yelled at my father, "Honorable sir, now that my wife is dead, I need some new wives. I will swap you a prize goat for all your daughters." But my father was a crafty man, and answered, "Three goats, and not one less." The man smiled, offered two, and the deal was done.

My sisters and I have been married to Ali for 24 years. Well, except for the one he decapitated for wearing lipstick.

                        -Still in love in Riyadh

**Shower First, Please **

You have made your post simply to anger me. Unfortunately for you, it worked.

Please put your affairs in order as a plane will crash into you within the next week.

Osama bin Landers