Ask the 35 Year Old who has for a year now (and counting) been Dating a Teenager

[Jamicat]

@ 1:50

- YouTube

[DingoelGringo]

@RandMcnally

Why are you dating a teenager? You don’t find it hard to relate to someone who was 5 when you were able to drink? Hell, I’m 23 and 18 year olds are in a completely different world to me.

I am 68 and living with a lady younger than any of my three children at 43. We are in the Dominican Republic where we can live on my social security and she doesn’t work. Great life here. But at this age it is a bit different than if she were 18. I do know a Canadian who comes here for 6 months out of every year and he has a brand new wife of 19 years old each and every year…

[Hector_St_Clare]

@DingoelGringo

I am 68 and living with a lady younger than any of my three children at 43. We are in the Dominican Republic where we can live on my social security and she doesn’t work. Great life here. But at this age it is a bit different than if she were 18. I do know a Canadian who comes here for 6 months out of every year and he has a brand new wife of 19 years old each and every year…

Cool for him, but how does he deal with alimony payments to so many wives?

[Acsenray]

@Hector_St_Clare

Cool for him, but how does he deal with alimony payments to so many wives?

Alimony? That still exists? Unless he’s paying child support, why should divorce cost him anything in the long term.

[Just_Asking_Questions]

I’m a bit disappointed that this thread has been revived three times now, and still no update from the OP.

Generally, I wouldn’t care, but this IS an “Ask the…” thread. He started it - he should answer!

[Siam_Sam]

@Just_Asking_Questions

I’m a bit disappointed that this thread has been revived three times now, and still no update from the OP.

He may be too exhausted to answer.

[stui_magpie]

@astro

Even worse! Now she’s ALL used up…sagging breasts, loose crepey skin, face like catcher’s mitt, vagina loose as a wizard’s sleeve.

That’s a grotesquely funny description.

[Isamu]

@kushiel

Dan Savage has something he calls ‘the campsite rule’ - leave her better than you found her.

Could a straight guy get away with coining such a dating rule? :dubious:

[Little_Nemo]

The thread was started four years ago. If the OP’s girlfriend is still a teenager, the thread just got a lot creepier.

[VarlosZ]

@Isamu

Could a straight guy get away with coining such a dating rule? :dubious:

A non-skeevy straight guy, as well-respected as Dan Savage? Sure. I think in most parts of this country it’s a gay guy who would have a harder time avoiding popular censure.

[catflea12]

I’m dating someone who is 23 years older than me. Of course, I’m 60 years old, though.

[Hector_St_Clare]

@Acsenray

Alimony? That still exists? Unless he’s paying child support, why should divorce cost him anything in the long term.

I thought alimony still exists in cases where there’s a big income/wealth difference between partners? And I’d imagine the average Canadian is going to be a lot better off financially than the average 19-year old Dominican. I could be wrong though.

[Hector_St_Clare]

@Little_Nemo

The thread was started four years ago. If the OP’s girlfriend is still a teenager, the thread just got a lot creepier.

He’s updated the board, in a thread earlier this year. Search for ‘relationship age gaps’ or something like that.

If you read the thread initially, she was 18 at the start, legal to date whoever she likes in every state and just about every country.

[Little_Nemo]

@Hector_St_Clare

He’s updated the board, in a thread earlier this year. Search for ‘relationship age gaps’ or something like that.

If you read the thread initially, she was 18 at the start, legal to date whoever she likes in every state and just about every country.

We’re five pages into a 2010 thread. I feel free at this point to make whatever jokes I want without worrying about the facts.

[Siam_Sam]

A quick check of his Profile shows he’s still active, having logged in within the past 36 hours. But his Signature is: “I’m going to start my own Messageboard! With Blackjack! and Hookers! In fact, forget the Messageboard!” So maybe he’s busy with that.

[Rhythmdvl]

@Siam_Sam

A quick check of his Profile shows he’s still active, having logged in within the past 36 hours. But his Signature is: “I’m going to start my own Messageboard! With Blackjack! and Hookers! In fact, forget the Messageboard!” So maybe he’s busy with that.

Can’t post; binging on Futurama.
Following Hector_St_Clare’s suggestion, here’s the closure many of you are looking for (from a Feb. 2013 thread):
Do you support relationships with a big age gap?

@bienville

At age 34, I started dating an 18 year old.
The relationship lasted 27 months, ending 15 months ago.

When we had reached our one year anniversary, I started an “Ask The __” Thread here. It quickly became a “Tell The __” Thread.
As the Thread progressed, the “whatever works for you” people started coming out of the woodwork- but they didn’t join the Thread until after seeing me take some healthy abuse first.

I won’t link the Thread so as not to have it Zombied but you can find it in ATMB listed in the “Ask the . . . Anthology” sticky. I did notice that the Thread has already been bumped a couple of times with people asking for an update. I didn’t subscribe to the Thread so I didn’t know it had gotten bumped until the Anthology Thread was posted- by that time the Thread had died again so I did not revive it to post an update. So, this post here can serve as my update:

I had never dated anyone significantly younger than me before, in fact most of my long-ish relationships had been with women a few years older than me.

We met at a show that I performed at but she hadn’t known me long enough to be looking at me through the eyes of a “fan”. She was just about to start college locally- which was local to where she had grown up. Her closest friends all were going away to college, so she was looking to establish a brand new social life anyway.

I first contacted her because I needed a drum and bass duo for a show I was emceeing. None of the drummers I knew well were available. She and I had already connected on MySpace (WAY back in MySpace days) and her page had links to her YouTube page with many drumming videos- and she’s an excellent drummer. She wasn’t available for the show I needed her for but asked to be kept in the loop. I let her know about a different event for which I was working the door. When she showed up at that event, I was actually quite taken by surprise that it seemed she wanted me to ask her out.

She stayed until the end of the event that night and we went to an all night diner afterward. Next time we got together it was for a completely non-ambiguous date. We ended up dating for, as stated above, 27 months.

We talked about the age difference early in the relationship.
I told her I didn’t want to just dismissively assert that “age makes no difference”. Every relationship between two people is different from every other relationship between two people- and there would be aspects of our relationship that were different specifically because of the age difference. Of course, we agreed that there would also be aspects of our relationship where the age difference wouldn’t matter at all. I loved her and told her so, but let her know that although I wanted to see the relationship last for a long happy time I didn’t think it was realistic for it to be a forever thing. I was her first significant boyfriend, and it just never fit with my personal feelings about how things “ought to be” that an 18 year old should stay with her first boyfriend for the rest of her life. I had no intention of planning the end of the relationship, no intention of sabotaging the relationship, but I told her I believed it made sense that she would have other romances in her future. She agreed that when thinking about it rationally and critically that it probably wasn’t a forever kind of a thing but she also wanted to move forward with it and let it play out.

The next 27 months were wonderful. We had plenty in common despite the age difference, we both love music and movies. She had never limited her interests to the newest offerings. Her favorite movie is Blazing Saddles, her favorite musician is Alice Cooper. She was already a well versed rock/pop historian and she filled as many gaps in my knowledge as I did for her. She played drums with me at three different gigs- two duo shows with me on guitar and vocals, and one band show that we did as a “Chirstmas Special” with friends.

For the first year and a half most of the new friends she made were my friends. The college she was going to was very much a commuter school and she found it difficult to make friends there. Eventually she started feeling more comfortable going to music shows on her own (I work nights, five nights a week) and as she started doing this she began making new friends on her own- meeting people at shows then connecting on Facebook then meeting the same people out at future shows.

I had said that I had no intention of planning the end of the relationship or sabotaging it, but it’s hard to know if it doesn’t happen as a self-fulfilling prophecy to acknowledge at the start of a relationship that it wouldn’t be a forever thing. I do know that I was always keenly aware of a hope that she would be the one to end it- I hated the idea of me dumping her.

For the entire relationship we never really talked about anything in terms of the far off future. There were a few trips and events that we planned up to six months or so in advance, but that was the extent of future planning. Nearing our two year anniversary, a conversation arose that addressed marriage. This was not a “planning marriage” conversation, just a “what do you think about marriage” conversation. That part of the conversation went well: I told her that I do want to find myself in a long-lasting strong life partnership but it wasn’t important to me whether or not it was a legal marriage. We had this conversation in a very open manner that acknowledged our longheld recognition that we might not be each other’s forever, but we also remained honestly open about our recognition that we had a wonderful strong relationship and that time could prove that we would beat the odds as our relationship was continuing to grow.

Then, unprovoked, I took the conversation one step farther:
Two years together and this was our first conversation about marriage- nothing at all wrong with that since she was so young and in no hurry to get married. But talking about marriage made me realize that we had never in two years talked about kids- again, we were not going to be making any plans regarding kids so there was no pressing need to talk about it. Despite there being no pressing need, I felt compelled to volunteer information on the matter. I knew full well that I would not ever want to have kids. Since I knew it, it kind of felt like a “Lie of Omission” to not bring it out into the open. I honestly had no idea how she would react- she had never talked about kids and had never taken much interest in other people’s kids. Well, she was shocked to hear that I didn’t want kids. She had never imagined that I might not want kids. She knew that she would definitely want kids and it was a major blow to her to find that we would not be on the same page on that matter. She didn’t want kids tomorrow, she didn’t want kids next year or two years from now or three years from now but she definitely knew that she wanted kids.

That evening she had a hard time dealing with the revelation, but we talked and reminded ourselves that we were always following our relationship into each new day as it came and that it wasn’t an issue of immediate concern. After that evening things seemed fine but she did start to grow distant and more aloof. After another three months, she broke up with me. She said that she still felt like she could be in a happy relationship without having to know that it would be a forever thing, but that she couldn’t be in a relationship knowing that it wouldn’t be a forever thing.
We had a few months of a “transitional period” finding a happy post-breakup friendship, but ever since we got through that transitional period our friendship has been great. She has remained friends with my friends- my friends still invite her to various gatherings and there have been plenty that she attended that I wasn’t able to attend. She’s continued to make friends on her own and I have hung out with her and a new friend from the past year that she spends most of her social adventures with. I haven’t dated anyone new yet. She dated one guy for a short while (older than her but younger than me). Her new friend that she spends a lot of time with is a guy (her age) but I don’t see it becoming romantic (she says there’s no romantic potential and she has always related better with guys so it’s no surprise that her closest friend is a guy).

Our friendship is strong and dependable now and I see us being very important to one another for the rest of our lives. She’ll be 22 this month. We dated from when she was 18 and a half (I was 34) until she was just a few months shy of her 21st birthday (I was nearing 37). I did kinda make me do a faceslap that we broke up just before she turned 21, there had always been cool things happening that we couldn’t do because she wasn’t 21 and couldn’t get into the venue. I was really looking forward to that not being an issue.

[jtur88]

When I was 32, I dated girls who were 16 and 17, openly and publicly, and nobody thought that was unusual. One 16-year old was a journalism intern where I worked, went on to an admired career, and when she died recently, her obit was written by a New Yorker editor. For what it’s worth, we never had a drink together, neither of us were a part of that society. At 16, she was not a child (although at that age, many people are). A few years before that, when I was 28, I dated several women in their mid-40s. Nobody thought there was anything weird about that, either.

The USA is virtually the only country in the world where the age of consent is 18, and we execute people too, not to mention militarily invading their countries, so I’m not going to let US law set out my ethical values for me.

I’m not bragging about this, I’m just setting out some realities for those of you who feel you need to regulate everybody else’s lives for them. Carry on with your judgmental indignation.

[Really_Not_All_That_Bright]

@Hector_St_Clare

I thought alimony still exists in cases where there’s a big income/wealth difference between partners?

It does, and doesn’t really require a big disparity.

[bienville]

ORIGINAL OP UPDATE

@Just_Asking_Questions

I’m a bit disappointed that this thread has been revived three times now, and still no update from the OP.

Sorry. I never subscribe to Threads and didn’t know it had been revived the other times. This time someone sent me a PM.

I did become aware that it had been revived before, but by the time I was aware of it the Thread had dropped into obscurity again and it didn’t seem to make sense to revive it yet again.

However, when I saw a similarly themed Thread:

@Hector_St_Clare

He’s updated the board, in a thread earlier this year. Search for ‘relationship age gaps’ or something like that.

Thanks, Rhythmdvl, for fully quoting me from the other Thread- makes things a lot easier.

@Rhythmdvl

Following Hector_St_Clare’s suggestion, here’s the closure many of you are looking for (from a Feb. 2013 thread):

So, that was Feb. 2013.
We’re still good friends and hang out occasionally. She still from time to time has social interaction with friends she met through me- she’s been a guest on my friend’s podcast 3 times, all after we broke up. She still has a good happy social life of her own and still does well making friends.

About three months after I made that Feb. 2013 update, she started dating a guy who she is still together with- so, that relationship is just over a year old now. He is older than her, but not as old as me- and she of course is older than when this Thread started- so it’s not so significant an age gap: 10 years, started dating when she was 22 and he was 32. I seems to be a good relationship. I haven’t met him yet, but that’s really just mostly because she and I only see each other once in a while so we plan things just the two of us so we can catch up (the fact that he is totally o.k. with her hanging out with her ex-boyfriend is one of the factors that makes me feel like she’s found a good guy).

So, all in all, it seems like no one was ruined. No lives were destroyed.
We dated for 27 months, some of my happiest times ever.

[Rhythmdvl]

@bienville

He is older than her, but not as old as me- and she of course is older than when this Thread started- so it’s not so significant an age gap: 10 years, started dating when she was 22 and he was 32.

Today’s logic problem brought to you by bienville.