Ask the 35 Year Old who has for a year now (and counting) been Dating a Teenager

[bienville]

@kanicbird

Why did you start this thread? Do you have people you can openly talk with about your relationship in ways you are expressing yourself here? do you feel a need to talk about it?

The real life friends know me, they know her, they know the relationship and they have all been extremely supportive.

Three months into the relationship, talking to a friend I said that the age difference may mean it just wouldn’t be realistic to think of it as a forever kind of a thing but that it was a good relationship that made us both happy and that I could see it “going as long as a year easily.”

Now it’s been a year, and it’s still going really well and we’re both still very happy. So, I’m starting to look forward a bit. I want to follow the relationship, but I do also believe that some of the challenges we face will be unique because of the age difference.

So, I’m reflecting on the strengths of the relationship as well as contemplating the challenges we may face.

On a messageboard, I’ll face criticisms that my friends aren’t throwing at me. My friends love me, love her, and are happy to see us happy.

Messageboard criticisms like Oakminster’s put me in a position of looking at my real life relationship and asking myself if such dooming prophecy has any merit.

Or, better yet, more constructive criticism like the following by jsgoddess:

@jsgoddess

You can’t avoid it by re-examining it, though. She needs to stand on her own two feet. No amount of examination makes that possible–only doing.

If you had said that she regularly dated and was currently living by herself, working and going to school, I’d think, “Hey, that sounds like it might work. She’s shown some independence and has had some experience in the world.”

But she’s living with her parents and she hasn’t really dated. There’s no amount of conversation that can make up for that, in my opinion. That isn’t to say it can’t work, but odds are surely against it being healthy for either in the long run.

I think, to be honest, you’re substituting thinking for doing, and talking for learning. You’re specifically saying the pressure is less because she’s impressed by you, then you seem to think all it takes is knowing that is a concern for it… not to be a concern.

She sounds average-to-young for her age when it comes to experience and independence.

Are you young for your age when it comes to experience and independence? What’s your dating/relationship history?

The thinking has been a basis to further doing, rather than a substitute. So often the self-justification for such relationships is “Age Makes No Difference”.

I had said at the beginning that I thought this was a bad philosophy to follow. Every relationship between two people is different from every other relationship between two people. Because the age difference is so far outside the norm, then of course many aspects that are different about our relationship will be tied to the age difference.

So, instead of pretending “age makes no difference”, I have thought it important to recognize that some of the differences will be because of age. To make an attempt to anticipate how some of those differences may lead the relationship down an unhealthy path- so that we can then actively do to see to it that we are relating in a healthy way.

Example: Her being impressed with me, thus me feeling good about myself.
This is not the danger, this is a good thing. It is a good thing that her love for me has helped me to see that I had been being too hard on myself. Feeling better about myself has strengthened me to continue working and to continue to set new goals.

The danger would be that I then become complacent and stop setting decent goals. The danger would be that I accept my current level of success as being good enough based on the standards of an inexperienced 19 year old.

The examining of the relationship and potential problem helped in the taking action leading to the better of the two possible paths.

Likewise with concerns about her getting to avoid adult responsibilities because of dating an older man. She’s had a significant amount of personal growth over the past year. She seems much more than a year older than she was a year ago. This could easily not be the case had she had a year of being doted upon and treated like a trophy or an accessory, rather than being treated like an adult with responsibilities.

Yes, she’s still in school, hasn’t dated much, and lives with her parents. Yes, many aspects of character come from experience- but not all aspects of character come from experience. School, dating, and living with her parents are situational aspects of her life- not insignificant, but not the whole of who she is. No one who’s met her thinks she is “average-to-young for her age”.

As to whether I am average or young for my age in terms of relationships, I’d say I am average, or at least average within my own microcosm of friends and peers. My group of friends are all people living in Los Angeles, having moved far away from their families to pursue artistic careers.

None of us gets married in our twenties (the few exceptions to this rule have been divorced by the time they reach their thirties). Plenty of my friends, women equally represented as men, are in their thirties having never been married. Those who are married didn’t get married until they were in their thirties, kids before 35 has been rare.

So, a 27 year old in a two year relationship who is not ready to get married, may be a sign of immaturity and fear of commitment in some social circles. Within my own social circles it is considered completely understandable.

So, “Average withing my Microcosm of Friends” translates to: a few relationships going a year to two years, many more relationships going three months or so. Very little dating for the sake of dating. A first date, with few exceptions, leads to a couple months at least.

I pretty much always maintain a good and lasting friendship with ex-girlfriends.

I have dated more women who are older than me than I have who are younger than me. All the women I have dated have been within a year or two of my age, if younger than me, up to five years if older than me.

[Tom_Tildrum]

@Rand_Rover

Also, found her: http://drummerbritt.com/

Nonsense. She’s the one on the left.

Look, I’d be surprised if this relationship made it for the long haul. And maybe it’s even a mistake. But isn’t that true of most relationships?

Maybe he’s going to hurt her. Most boyfriends will, sooner or later. Meanwhile, the OP sounds reasonably self-aware and considerate. He’s not isolating her from her family or friends. And he is the wild oats that she’s sowing.

[bienville]

@msmith537

It sounds to me like the OP has a bit of the “cool hip aspiring artist” syndrome going on here. Being in NYC, I see this every now and then with guys in their 30s-40s.

Basically, here’s the stereotype. Typically they are some sort of aspiring actor, writer, musician, DJ or comedian. They haven’t hit it big but maybe they are in an improv troop, a band with a steady fan base, have written a published book or have a reoccuring minor TV role. They typically don’t keep a girlfriend for more than 8-18 months and they typically date younger women since it’s “cool” and any woman over 25 is eventually going to start being like “when are we settling down?” which means you need to get a “real job”.

Really the only problem (as the OP hinted to) is that at this age, it sort of starts to be like now or never in terms of turning your craft into a sustainable form of income. It’s cool to be that hip aspiring artist living in the shitbox studio appartment or with 3 roomates and dating the girl a bit too young for you at 24. You can sort of get away with it at 35. It’s not so cool at 40.

O.K. there are some valid observations here, though I think the presentation is a bit harsh, such as to be unfair.

Yes, from 30 to 40 my friends who aren’t making a solid living with their craft do start to find more stable day jobs that bring in more income than waiting tables. But they all have a healthy sense that their creative work is a very important part of who they are. Their continuing of their creative work is by no means a hobby, it is a vital part of their sense of self and their partners are very respectful of this. Their relationships are strong and happy precisely because they have a partner who is respectful and loving of their creative endeavors.
Your stereotype does come up short in that it pretends that all aspiring artists are guys. There are women too, and the women just as well as the men, want to pursue their creative goals before having to commit to a family. The 25 year old women are in no rush to get married.

For both the men and women dating in their twenties means that a “long-term relationship” goes about two maybe three years.

Among my group of friends, more often than not it is artists dating other artists. Therefore it is not necessary to “date younger women since it’s ‘cool’ and any woman over 25 is eventually going to start being like ‘when are we settling down?’ which means you need to get a ‘real job’.”

The 25 year old can date another 25 year old because both of them want to commit to their careers before starting a family.

Your stereotype also comes up short in that it suggests dating younger is a habitual thing, whereas this is my first experience dating someone younger. Though, should it become a habitual thing for me, I would do well to abide by your warning.

@DiosaBellissima

@Silver_Fire

She’s barely out of high school, still lives with her parents, and has never had a boyfriend?

False. False. False. You might remember that he said she’s super mature.

This isn’t really fair. In response to a question about her maturity, I said that I’ve learned not to think of maturity as a straight line, that in some aspects she does seem 19, but that in other aspects she is very mature.

[Dallas_Jones]

There is not enough room on your forehead, even if you are completely bald, to fit the huge L for Loser that should be permanently tattooed there.

[bienville]

@Tom_Tildrum

And he is the wild oats that she’s sowing.

I actually quite like this sentiment. Thank you, Tom.

[msmith537]

@Oakminster

Straight up, if this was my daughter, I’d have put a stop to this, probably by having a private conversation with you, after which you’d never come anywhere near her again. She’d be mad, but eventually she’d get over it, and realize that her old man was right.

I’m curious as to how you would do that. Your hypothetical daughter is 18 and therefore technically an adult capable of making her own decisions. The OP is a 35 year old man, not some high school kid to be intimidated and shooed away by some angry father. Are you going to make some sort of wild ridiculous threat? What happens if he simply ignores it for the absurdity it is?

And in your fantasy, do you really believe 18 year old girls stop seeing guys because their father tells them to?
Personally I don’t see the big deal. The OP seems like a decent enough guy so what’s the worst that happens? The most she will “get hurt” is the relationship ends and she finds some other boyfriend in a few weeks or months. How would that be different if she was dating a guy her own age?

[Princhester]

@Oakminster

Um…why are you doing this, and worse, why did you start a thread to brag about it?

Have you thought through the contradiction in asking why someone is doing something but also assuming that they must be bragging by the very act of mentioning they are doing it?

[Wesley_Clark]

Can you hook me up with one of her 19 year old friends?

[Tom_Tildrum]

@Wesley_Clark

Can you hook me up with one of her 19 year old friends?

You’re too young for them.

[Wesley_Clark]

@Tom_Tildrum

@Wesley_Clark

Can you hook me up with one of her 19 year old friends?

You’re too young for them.

pfft. I may barely be 30 but I am already bitter, resentful and beaten down. That should add some years to my age.

[Fried_Dough_Ho]

@msmith537

I’m curious as to how you would do that. Your hypothetical daughter is 18 and therefore technically an adult capable of making her own decisions. The OP is a 35 year old man, not some high school kid to be intimidated and shooed away by some angry father. Are you going to make some sort of wild ridiculous threat? What happens if he simply ignores it for the absurdity it is?

And in your fantasy, do you really believe 18 year old girls stop seeing guys because their father tells them to?

In my case, yes. Even though it was against my wishes. I was still living at home and therefore still under the rules set down by my parents. And my Father had the talk with my Older BF against my wishes. I pouted and cried and whatnot but in the long run, the older guy is the one who ended the relationship based on that conversation.

[samclem]

@AClockworkMelon

Assuming that’s her, is it kosher to reveal her identity to everyone on the board? It doesn’t really sit right with me.

@thirdname

I don’t know, but I reported it for the mods so they can figure it out.

@Rand_Rover

That crack team of investigators will probably surmise that I just googled up a young female drummer and posted a link for the larfs, which is exactly what occurred.

@AClockworkMelon

So should we report you for trolling now?

Hell NO! You should have reported him for trolling years ago.

Resume the hilarity.

[MPB_in_Salt_Lake]

@Fried_Dough_Ho

In my case, yes. Even though it was against my wishes. I was still living at home and therefore still under the rules set down by my parents. And my Father had the talk with my Older BF against my wishes. I pouted and cried and whatnot but in the long run, the older guy is the one who ended the relationship based on that conversation.

Didn’t you recently tell everyone here that you had a “blind date” with Weird Al Yankovic when you were 14 years old? (and he was several years older than you?)

Seems kind of odd your Father was OK with that…

[bienville]

@bucketybuck

I get the impression you are a little fatalistic about this, accepting it may or may not last.

How will you feel in about, oh, one year, when she develops a strong desire to be closer to some of the boys her age that she is at college with?

You know, like kids do.

I’d think of fatalistic as assuming it won’t last- which is certainly similar to some of the comments I have made here. I certainly hope I’m not being fatalistic, I wouldn’t want to engineer an end to the relationship based on an underlying belief that that is how it is supposed to be.

I just feel like it’s best for both of us to be open to the possibility that we each have other romances in our future- since, based on her youth, it is what seems likely.

So, I don’t want to be fatalistic based on my definition but based on your definition- accepting it may or may not last- just taking it as it goes seems to be a good idea.

Her wanting to date college guys? If, in fact, this is not a forever relationship, I would be so much happier with her ending it rather than me ending it.

[AnalogSignal]

@bienville

The danger would be that I accept my current level of success as being good enough based on the standards of an inexperienced 19 year old.

Hey, you’re rounding up now.

[bienville]

@AnalogSignal

@bienville

The danger would be that I accept my current level of success as being good enough based on the standards of an inexperienced 19 year old.

Hey, you’re rounding up now.

She’s 19. A year ago when we started dating she was 18. When I discuss how the relationship developed I say 18, her age at the time. Talking about the relationship in the present tense I would say 19.

Sorry, some of my posts may have been confusing.

[AnalogSignal]

@bienville

She’s 19. A year ago when we started dating she was 18.

Oops, skimmed too quickly. Hang in there for a couple more years and she’ll practically be a grownup.

[BigT]

@Fried_Dough_Ho

@msmith537

I’m curious as to how you would do that. Your hypothetical daughter is 18 and therefore technically an adult capable of making her own decisions. The OP is a 35 year old man, not some high school kid to be intimidated and shooed away by some angry father. Are you going to make some sort of wild ridiculous threat? What happens if he simply ignores it for the absurdity it is?

And in your fantasy, do you really believe 18 year old girls stop seeing guys because their father tells them to?

In my case, yes. Even though it was against my wishes. I was still living at home and therefore still under the rules set down by my parents. And my Father had the talk with my Older BF against my wishes. I pouted and cried and whatnot but in the long run, the older guy is the one who ended the relationship based on that conversation.

Are you saying your dad would have kicked you out of the house (as that’s his only legal punishment), and thus likely you’d end up winding up living the hated boyfriend?

Assuming your dad is smarter than that, how exactly does he have control over you?

As for the OP, I see nothing that says you are taking advantage of her, and past that, it would only be my business if I were a bigot.

I honestly have no way of knowing if this relationship will work out or not, but I see no reason it inevitably has to be bad for either of you. Yeah, there’s an above average chance that this won’t last, but you seem to grasp that. And you are being cautious as you need to be (perhaps overly so).

The psychological crap that some people want to throw out at you is ill informed at best. There’s a strong social and evolutionary pressure telling you that the relationship is wrong. But that exists with mixed and same sex marriages. We, as civilized human beings have to get over that.

If you can’t logically find a reason that this is a bad thing, then it is purely emotional and irrational. I think it’s great that you are inviting people to come up with possible reasons. I just wish it didn’t also let out the people who don’t get that prejudice is immoral.

You are braver that I would be in your situation.

[kanicbird]

@bienville

So, I’m reflecting on the strengths of the relationship as well as contemplating the challenges we may face.

On a messageboard, I’ll face criticisms that my friends aren’t throwing at me. My friends love me, love her, and are happy to see us happy.

Messageboard criticisms like Oakminster’s put me in a position of looking at my real life relationship and asking myself if such dooming prophecy has any merit.

Or, better yet, more constructive criticism like the following by jsgoddess:

I’m not sure this is criticism but perhaps reflective:

My own views on your or any ‘unconventional relationship’ (and many conventional ones) is we all need to follow love, explore love, we must learn what love truly is. If your relationship is based on love, you will both learn and grow from that if your hearts are open to each other. I believe when such relationships are ‘unconventional’ it just means that’s what you both need to grow in love at this time.

To me love is a living spirit that wants to dwell with us in our hearts, and will use any means, any person it can to reach a person, and that spirit is God. Acting in Love is what we are suppose to do in response.

Any part of the relationship that is ‘improper’ if both are acting in Love will ‘burn away’, which may cause a shift in the relationship, or something else going forwards.

[kayaker]

What does she wanna be when she grows up?

Is her mom hot?