Ask the 35 Year Old who has for a year now (and counting) been Dating a Teenager

[PunditLisa]

When I was 16, I dated a 24 year old guy, H. We broke up and resumed dating when I was in college. He was a newly retired professional soccer player (injury) and was still searching for what he wanted to do with his life. So he began working as a substitute teacher for my high school and that’s how we met. What made it work, albeit briefly, for us was that I was mature for my age and he was immature for his age, so we kind of met in the middle.

Keep in mind that when I was dating him, I knew already there was no future for us. But that was fine because I was young (and knew it), and far from being ready to settle down, And H was fun and cute and entertaining, so why not? As long as he made enough money to have a place of his own (yes, I lived at home with my parents), and I made enough to go out to dinner and bars, that was enough for us. It’s very easy to be content with “fun and entertaining” when you’re not looking at someone as a potential life partner. And even at the age of 20, I knew the difference.

What’s interesting is that I met my future husband within weeks of breaking up with H. When I met my husband, I knew almost immediately that he was a “keeper” – just as I knew that H was not. The new guy had more ambition, was more established, and had a maturity that H did not, even though H was 8 years his elder. And those qualities were essential when looking through the filter of a potential life partner vs. someone to hang out with.

Honestly, I’ve never regretted EITHER relationship because they met different needs. She’s 19 and he’s 35? Who cares, as long as the older one isn’t taking advantage of her youth and inexperience. It’d worry me far more if bienville were a serial dater of only 18 year olds!

Just know that one day she may start to want things that you can’t give her, such as financial security and a less nomadic lifestyle, and be willing to let her go gracefully if/when that happens. Sounds like you might have worked that out already in your mind, so my advice is to enjoy the relationship while it lasts.

[Cicero]

It’s good that you have a girlfriend and a playmate for your kids if you have any.

[Acsenray]

@Oakminster

Any way you slice it, this isn’t a fair match. You’ve seen the world work from an adult perspective. She hasn’t. You’ve sown your wild oats. She hasn’t. You know who you are. She doesn’t know who she is.

So what? Each of them is free to leave when they want. How’s he going to be any worse than every other boyfriend that a 19-year-old will have over a period of several years?

[VinylTurnip]

@bienville

She’s never really been a drinker, never did any highschool drinking. If she was specifically asking me to please please please get her some booze, that would worry me. But we’ve upon occasion (rarely) had a drink together at my place.

The Cuervo Gold & the fine Colombian make tonight a wonderful thing, or so I’ve heard.

[GrandWino]

How does she feel about blackjack and hookers?

A few real questions:

Have you hooked up w/ groupies in the past or is she the first?

Have you considered the fact that you are dating someone who’s brain won’t be fully developed for another 6 years?

What have been some of the more glaring generation gap issues that have come up? I’m thinking about things like her probably barely remembering a time when American Idol wasn’t on the air she would have been 10 or 11 when it premiered). Another hypothetical example would be you mentioning something about Fergie and her assuming you meant the Black Eyed Peas singer when you were referring to the Duchess of York.

[Sleeps_With_Butterflies]

@BigT

The psychological crap that some people want to throw out at you is ill informed at best. There’s a strong social and evolutionary pressure telling you that the relationship is wrong. But that exists with mixed and same sex marriages. We, as civilized human beings have to get over that.

If you can’t logically find a reason that this is a bad thing, then it is purely emotional and irrational. I think it’s great that you are inviting people to come up with possible reasons. I just wish it didn’t also let out the people who don’t get that prejudice is immoral.

You are braver that I would be in your situation.

The great expert on social interactions has spoken. Go forth y’all and be immoral no more!

[Guinastasia]

@Wilbo523

@DianaG

Do you help her with her homework?

I’m pretty sure that having your teacher help you with your homework would be against school policy.
:dubious:

Depends on how you would define “homework” in this case.

[Really_Not_All_That_Bright]

Evolutionary pressure should be telling him to fuck anyone old enough to grow pubic hair, not that it’s wrong to date a 19 year old.

[bienville]

Thank you, kanicbird
Thank you, PunditLisa
Thank you, acsenray

@Bob Ducca

How does she feel about blackjack and hookers?

She loves Futurama, we’ve connected on that since the beginning.

@Bob Ducca

A few real questions:

Have you hooked up w/ groupies in the past or is she the first?

Have you considered the fact that you are dating someone who’s brain won’t be fully developed for another 6 years?

What have been some of the more glaring generation gap issues that have come up? I’m thinking about things like her probably barely remembering a time when American Idol wasn’t on the air she would have been 10 or 11 when it premiered). Another hypothetical example would be you mentioning something about Fergie and her assuming you meant the Black Eyed Peas singer when you were referring to the Duchess of York.

Hmmm, the social culture around smaller shows tends to make the performing artist more of a “real person” to those in the audience than is the case with a large venue “famous” touring act.

With the “famous” act, fans have known the artist for a long time (maybe years) before actually meeting. In this time the fan has created an idea in his/her own mind of who the “person” is that this artist is. This is a highly artificial level of interpersonal interaction, the artist is never a real person to the fan, only a projection, and the fan remains anonymous to the artist despite any physical intimacy (allowing for exceptions to the rule).

What I would think of as “groupies” would only apply in the social culture surrounding the famous act. Even people who I’ve met through my performances who have repeatedly come to shows, I wouldn’t consider groupies- we’re each a real person to the other.

That said, I have hooked up with women who met me at one of my shows, but it has been very rare.
Not much to comment on on the brain thing. Unless those studies lead us to conclude that we should postpone all life experience until after 25, I don’t think it applies. I was 19 through 25 for six years, and I believe I am far better off having lived those six years to the fullest.
Generation gap issues? Hmmm, you can’t make Olsen Twins jokes around her- seriously. Even a passing Olsen Twins joke and she will up and make a full-throated defense- it is not cool to make fun of the Olsen Twins.

Other than that, a few gaps in pop-culture knowledge come up from time to time, but not so much. She has always taken an interest in pop culture from before she was born:[ul]
[li]Favorite Movie: Blazing Saddles[/li][li]Favorite Musician: Alice Cooper[/li][li]Favorite Actor: Oliver Reed[/li][li]Favorite TV Show: I Love Lucy[/li][/ul]

She’s actually corrected me on a few things on 60s/70s music and movies, and she’s better than me on 50s music. I’m better than her on 80s stuff.
It does blow her mind that I never own a computer that was my own computer until I was 31- prior to that is was computer lab (during college), library, roommates’ computers, internet cafes, or only using the internet during down-time at work. She has never known life without a computer, she’s pretty much known the internet her whole life.

She also has a WAY fancier phone than I do. I use my phone as a phone and for texts (under 160 characters, please). She’s got a fancy Blackberry that has full internet access, games, time travel, etc.

Thankfully she only sends texts that use full real English language words, no l33t sp33k. Even in speech we use the same slang, although she does answer in agreement with a statement by saying, “I know, right?”

[Tom_Scud]

@bienville

She’s got a fancy Blackberry that has … time travel…

Huh. I must look into this feature.

[Asimovian]

I have no dog in any fight about whether you two are right for each other or not, but I will say that, judging by her favorite movie, she’s a beautiful person.

[wonky]

@Asimovian

I have no dog in any fight about whether you two are right for each other or not, but I will say that, judging by her favorite movie, she’s a beautiful person.

A beautiful person for a sick, twisted deviant with suspect taste in movies, sure!

Run, bienville! Save yourself!

[cosmosdan]

@bienville

@Really_Not_All_That_Bright

How, exactly, did you meet?

I do a comedy-music act.

off topic. Where do you do this and what type of music-comedy do you do?

It interests me because I did that quite a bit myself and am comtemplating resurrecting the habit.

[cosmosdan]

@Fried_Dough_Ho

@Silver_Fire

She’s barely out of high school, still lives with her parents, and has never had a boyfriend?

I think you are doing her more harm than good and not only because of the drastic age difference, which wouldn’t matter if she were 28, on her own, in an established career, had had some life experience, etc., and you were 45.

IMO.

I concur and speak from experience. I was an 18 year old who got involved with a 36-year old man. At the time, of course I thought I was mature and intelligent enough to be in such a relationship. There was no way my parents or anyone could talk me out of “what felt so right.” I was the cool chick for having an older boyfriend. It made me that much more adult and worldly.

But I am 46 years old now and realize how damaging and detrimental it was to my development as an adult and my future relationships.

Now I am perfectly cognizant of the fact that there is no way the OP will agree with any of this or change what he is doing or the status of his relationship. But I would ask him to print this thread out and keep it for when he has an 18-year old daughter and simply read through what is being said to re-assess his thoughts on this time of his life and how he treats his progeny.

I’m curious just how you think the relationship was damaging and why you then assume all relationships with such an age difference are also damaging?

Relationships can be painful and possibly damaging but in my exprience it has to do with how the relationship is handled. It sounds as if, and I hope it’s true, that if this relationship ends it will be with some grace and continued affection and respect. {that doesn’t mean painless}

[cosmosdan]

@BigT

@Fried_Dough_Ho

In my case, yes. Even though it was against my wishes. I was still living at home and therefore still under the rules set down by my parents. And my Father had the talk with my Older BF against my wishes. I pouted and cried and whatnot but in the long run, the older guy is the one who ended the relationship based on that conversation.

Are you saying your dad would have kicked you out of the house (as that’s his only legal punishment), and thus likely you’d end up winding up living the hated boyfriend?

Assuming your dad is smarter than that, how exactly does he have control over you?
.

She said the the older guy ended the relationship based on a conversation with her father. Evidently he was the one unwilling to deal with whatever consequences the father had in mind.

[cosmosdan]

@Oakminster

Any way you slice it, this isn’t a fair match. You’ve seen the world work from an adult perspective. She hasn’t. You’ve sown your wild oats. She hasn’t. You know who you are. She doesn’t know who she is.

Straight up, if this was my daughter, I’d have put a stop to this, probably by having a private conversation with you, after which you’d never come anywhere near her again. She’d be mad, but eventually she’d get over it, and realize that her old man was right.

She’s not my daughter, and frankly, it’s probably a good thing I don’t have children. Your words, taken at face value, would indicate that your intentions are as honorable as possible under the circumstances. You don’t intend to hurt this child. I think you’re gonna do it, inevitably, regardless of what you intend. I tend to be a cynic about…well…damn near everything.

I think the old rule of thumb about half your age + 7 years for minimum dating age has some wisdom. For me, that would be 29. Not really sure I’d be happy with a 29 year old. 35 seems a more comfortable minimum age for me. But that’s me.

I don’t approve. Don’t think I’m capable of approving, but you don’t need my approval. Just be glad her dad isn’t quite as old school as I am.

There’s nothing unfair about it if she’s choosing to be in this relationship of her own free will.

I’m pretty old school myself andf have two daughters. Although I would have been concerned about either of them dating someone that much older when they were 18 I wouldn’t have dreamed of telling an 18 year old what they were allowed to do or thinking I had to put a stop to it. I would hope I could honestly express my concerns and we could talk it over. I taught my kids to treat themselves and others with respect and I respected thier right to be thier own person and make thier own decisions. When my oldest started dating I told her if boys came to pick her up they needed to come to the door and meet us. IMO even with my concern it would be more about the character of who she was dating than the age. Guys at any age can be decent or total assholes. If some older guy was willing to come to my house and meet me and treated me and my daughter with respect and consideration I think I’d get over the age difference pretty quick.
btw, you risk being hurt in any relationship. Both parties do, depending on how invested they are and how they approach it. It seems odd to me for you to assume he’s going to hurt her. What are you assuming? That he really doesn’t care and she does?

Of course that’s 18 and out of high school. 16 and 21, which is a smaller age difference , would elicit a different response.

[bienville]

@cosmosdan

@Fried_Dough_Ho

I concur and speak from experience. I was an 18 year old who got involved with a 36-year old man. At the time, of course I thought I was mature and intelligent enough to be in such a relationship. There was no way my parents or anyone could talk me out of “what felt so right.” I was the cool chick for having an older boyfriend. It made me that much more adult and worldly.

But I am 46 years old now and realize how damaging and detrimental it was to my development as an adult and my future relationships.

Now I am perfectly cognizant of the fact that there is no way the OP will agree with any of this or change what he is doing or the status of his relationship. But I would ask him to print this thread out and keep it for when he has an 18-year old daughter and simply read through what is being said to re-assess his thoughts on this time of his life and how he treats his progeny.

I’m curious just how you think the relationship was damaging and why you then assume all relationships with such an age difference are also damaging?

Relationships can be painful and possibly damaging but in my exprience it has to do with how the relationship is handled. It sounds as if, and I hope it’s true, that if this relationship ends it will be with some grace and continued affection and respect. {that doesn’t mean painless}

I do appreciate Fried Dough Ho’s sharing her story, as I think each of various experiences help to put together a more fully encompassing big picture. However, there is an implication that I will inevitably share her opinion at such time as I have an 18 year old daughter myself.

This implies that everyone who has an 18 year old daughter will feel exactly the same way about the matter. This is simply not true. I can think of at least two parents of an 18 year old girl who felt differently about the matter: my girlfriend’s parents.

As I said, the only real concerns from her parents when we started dating were “first boyfriend” concerns, not “older boyfriend” concerns- added with some “sharing” issues from her mother having to share her daughter’s time with someone else, just as the two of them were beginning to do fun things together in a “buddies” kind of a way.

Her parents are quite fond of me and very supportive of the relationship.

A few posters have suggested that their opinion on the matter is more valid than mine because they are a parent of a daughter. If having a daughter makes an opinion infallible, shouldn’t a significant amount of validity be placed on the opinion of my girlfriend’s parents? Or does “No True Scotsman” apply in this case?

@cosmosdan

off topic. Where do you do this and what type of music-comedy do you do?

It interests me because I did that quite a bit myself and am comtemplating resurrecting the habit.

I mostly perform around the L.A. area.
I’m bad about ever updating my MySpace profile anymore, since MySpace has become a bit of a Ghost Town, but the MySpace Profile is still the easiest link to provide to listen to full songs.

[cosmosdan]

@bienville

Yes, from 30 to 40 my friends who aren’t making a solid living with their craft do start to find more stable day jobs that bring in more income than waiting tables. But they all have a healthy sense that their creative work is a very important part of who they are. Their continuing of their creative work is by no means a hobby, it is a vital part of their sense of self and their partners are very respectful of this. Their relationships are strong and happy precisely because they have a partner who is respectful and loving of their creative endeavors.
.

Thanks for this. There are people who don’t seem to understand that. Playing music, especially in clubs, has never been easy on relationships. It always bewildered me that I’d meet women in a bar while I was working and if we dated a while they would eventually want me to stop being a musician as if it was just some unnecessary hobby.
Concerning the thread, it sounds to me as if you’re looking at the relationship in a realistic way. You’re even aware enough to consider the subconscious reasons for both of you. I don’t see any harm for her in enjoying the company of an older guy who obviously sincerely cares and treats her well. There may come a time when both of you need to move on. If that comes try not to make it more painful and difficult by clinging. It sounds like you’re already considering that. If you like each other and enjoy each other , to hell with the cynics.

[cosmosdan]

I mostly perform around the L.A. area.
I’m bad about ever updating my MySpace profile anymore, since MySpace has become a bit of a Ghost Town, but the MySpace Profile is still the easiest link to provide to listen to full songs.

Thanks. Jesus says he loves you is a riot.

[AClockworkMelon]

OP, please don’t ever thank kanicbird again.