Dear 50s Dad,
Some friends and me were talking about where we go to church. One guy said his family is Athiest. What kind of church is that?
Signed,
Good Christian Boy
Dear 50’s Dad,
I heard Pop complaining to Mom that some family called the “Nigras” or something like that are going to move into our neighborhood and destroy it. Who are these Nigras, and do they have special powers to tear down houses?
– Scared In The Basement
Dear Regallag_The_Axe,
There’s nothing wrong with Whisky, young man. I thik an upstanding young man like yourself is entitles to choose Whiskey over Beer.
Dear Good Christian Boy,
Athiest is just another word for Communist, son. But remember, just because this boy’s family are Communists doesn’t mean he is. Find out if this young man listens to rock n roll, and please write back. Good luck, and Godspeed.
Dear Scared,
50’s Dad doesn’t know much about the “Nigras”, either, but remember: it’s up to us to be good citizens, and when we meet new people we’ve got to put our best foot forward, and hope that they will, too. You should give these folks a chance, and as long as their not Communists, or listen to rock n roll music, you shouldn’t worry. Much. I mean not any more that you’d worry about anything else you don’t really understand. Which is a lot. Good luck, son.
What is a Communist? You keep talking about them, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen one. What do they look like?
Dear 50’s Dad:
You keep speaking about not listening to Rock and/or Roll music. Must what if it is Pat Boone or Ricky Nelson?
Signed,
Confused
Dear MRS,
A Communist is someone who hates America and Americans, and our Democratic way of life. They look just like you and me, but they listen to rock n roll, drive tiny cars, and criticize our fine government (when they’re not plotting to overthrow it). They also have a predeliction towards being Actors and University Professors, and they usually abstain from alcohol (they’re hop-heads, every one). They also don’t believe in God, but they do worship the Devil (in most cases, at least). I can’t stress enough the danger they pose to our fine Country and our Way Of Life. Berware, young lady!
Dear Confused,
50’s Dad doesn’t listen to much modern music (I prefer the old standards), but I have it on good authority the Pat Boone is no Communist - he’s a fine, upstanding young man. As for Ricky Nelson, 50’s Dad has trouble grasping why a young man would look so…feminine. He may indeed be a Communist. Probably safest to avoid him, wouldn’t you say, son?
Dear 50’s Dad;
i think my neighbor might be a commie, he’s driving one of those tiny Japanese cars, and doesn’t seem to enjoy the Great American Pastime of Baseball, he does like Apple Pie though, should i be checking our water supply for the presence of flouride?
what branch of our government would be best equipped to deal with this threat?
Sincerely;
General Jack “D” Ripper
50’s Dad is taking a break from the rigors of Advice Columnizing. I’m going home to spend some time with my wife and children. We’re having Pot Roast! My favorite. Please feel free to continue sending your questions. I’ll respond first this in the morning.
Dear Jack,
It sure sounds like he’s a Communist to me. And you sound like a very insightful fella, so you should trust your instincts. Call your local PD. Your town’s finest are well equiped to deal with the “Red Threat”. Good luck, fine citizen, and remain diligent.
Dear 50’s Dad,
Thanks, Dad! You are right about Communists and Rock’nRoll music. And more, they’ve infiltrated FOLK music, too! So says the Rev. Billy James Hargis, and he has the Lord on his side (the Christian Lord, that is, we all know the other lords are false idols).
I just bought this book, “Rhythm, Riots and Revolution,” which is:
You can buy this valuable book everywhere fine tomes are sold. Just Google for the title (in quotes).
Thanks, 50’s Dad, for saving me from hell and the Communists! I’ll never listen to godless folk music again!
But what about jazz? Is that OK for white people to enjoy?
Dear 50s Dad
I think your adivce to DeVena may be only half right. You know that all the great chefs are men, and that her husband may actually find it relaxing to cook after a hard day on Madison Avenue or Main Street.
I think DeVena should get her hubby one of those big Chief Cook and Bottle Washer aprons and a tall chef hat and let him cook any time he wants. Of course, she should use her extra time those evenings to make herself extra-pretty and maybe give him a “special” dessert.
What do you think?
Dear 50’s Dad,
I was listening to Edgar Bergen & Charlie McCarthy Show on the radio. I heard a couple whose last name is Rosenberg and they were wanted. I live right next door to these people. What should I do?
Dear 50’s Dad,
I ask Timmy if he listens to rock ‘n roll. I don’t know if this tells you anything but he something about Big Bopper and Buddy Holly. I don’t know if that means anything but I know nobody with those names lives here in Mayfield. He also said I’d look good in “Chantilly Lace” and asked if I wanted to go to his house and play with his wienie. I told him that it’s wasteful to play with food like hot dogs. Do you think I should keep on playin’ with him 50’s Dad?
Signed,
Still A Good Christian Boy but Keeps Thinking About Playing With Wienies
Dear 50’s Dad,
What really happens at lodge meetings? My dad tries to keep it secret, but I know that at lodge meetings he wears the long, white robes that are hidden in his closet.
Please fill us in on what dads do at these things. My big brother can’t wait to join!
Dear 50s Dad,
I’m sad that I wasn’t able to serve in World War Two like Uncle Johnny did. I’m also sad that you didn’t serve either. I bet you would have killed a million Communist Nazis. I want to be the first kid on my block to get a confirmed kill, too. I’m going to be 18 in 1968. Do you think that there’ll be any way for me to shoot some Communists then? I mean, real legal-like, and not like when you and Uncle Johnny got drunk and started shooting at those Communist rock n’ rollers?
Thanks,
J.T. Davis
Dear 50’s Dad:
I heard that a girl can get “in the family way” by swimming in a public swimming pool. I don’t want that to happen to me! Is it true? If so, I am never going to the public swimming pool again! What if it’s too late? Will I get sent away?
Dear 50’s Dad
i hear we will have flying cars and personal helicopters in the far, far future time of 1999, if that’s true, i’m gonna party , what would you reccomend for responsible adult refreshments for the 1999 party, and should i have my personal robot serve my guests…
oh, and how can we prevent our pesonal robot servants from becoming communists?
how can you tell if someone is a commie, is there a blood test or something that needs to be done, i’m suspicious of my boss at work…