Dear Fifties Dad,
My three-year-old boy keeps trying to sodomize our cocker spaniel with a Toblerone while I’m puttering around in the garage workshop. My question is, what’s the best kind of wood for a spice rack for my wife?
Dear 50’s Dad,
I hate t break it to you but you are a communist. Or at least a communist sympathizer. Why else would you be telling teenage girls to not put out? Did you realize that as of 1950 there are over half a billion Chinese? And did you also realize that the US population in 1950 was under 160 million? The scariest thing is that if current growth continues in 2005 the US will still have under 300 million people while there could be 1.3 billion (that is billion with a b) Chinese. Do you even want to contemplate that there could also be over 1 billion Indians (Like Gandhi, not Tonto)?
Please do your patriotic duty and encourage all girls to do the right thing.
Dear 50’s Dad,
The trashy neighbors down the street bought Hula-Hoops for their kids. I wouldn't mind if they kept their lewd behavior inside their house, but they let the kids use these vile things while they are outdoors. We are a respectable family. My question is, Should we put our girls in a convent? I await your answer--time is of the essense.
Signed,
Moral Mom
The colored people are talking about boycotting the buses!!!
What’s next? Will they try to eat at the lunch counter in Woolworth’s?
How can we protect our daughters?
Dear Musicat,
Well, son, it certainly makes me proud to see you doing your homework on this, and I think you’re a bright enough to figure this one out one your own. I trust you to make the right decision, champ.
Dear kunilou,
Yes, I suppose you’re right: a man’s home is his castle, and if he really wants to cook of course he can. And 50’s Dad is always ready for a “special” dessert. Yessiree, I think a nice Port and a slice of pecan pie would be pretty special.
Dear leandroc76,
Rosenberg? Well, now, son… we just need to have faith in our fine government that they’ll handle this whole Rosenberg trial fairly and judiciously. You can help by finding a new way to demonstrate you patriotism. I think a secon flagpole on the front lawn would do the trick.
Dear Good Christian Boy,
Look, son, we all think about playing with our weinies now and then. Or our mashed potatos, or our Pot Roast. It can be tough to concentrate on a good, healthy meal when there’s Communist sympathizers about. Try spending less time thinking about playing with your food, and more time thinking about ploaying ball! Heck, why don’t you go out and see if your friends want to play some ball right now? Just not Timmy. Trust me.
Dear bluethree,
Now look, sweetheart, you know 50’s Dad doesn’t like to bore you by telling you about things like lodge meetings, bills, or secondary education. Why don’t you go into the kitchen now, and see if your mother needs help fixing dinner.
Dear J.T.,
Well, you know WWII was the War to End All Wars, so I wouldn’t get my hopes up if I were you. Maybe 50’s Dad will take you along to a lodge meeting to meet the fellas. How’s that sound, eh sport?
Dear 50’s Dad,
Sometimes after football practice when all the guys are showering I get funny feelings in my private parts. This happens especially when I see those big burly linemen without their clothes on. Should I go see a doctor about this?
Dear YaWanna,
You sure can! That’s why young ladies like youself should spend their time at home with their mothers engaging in wholesome activities like baking.
Dear MacTech,
Yessiree, our fine American scientists are thinking up clever new inventions every day. Why, I’d be surprised if we had to wait that long for flying cars - they’re already working on an “aquatic automobile”.
And refreshments? Look, son, you can’t go wrong with scotch, as I’m sure your guests will agree. But you’ll have to watch those robotic servents closely for signs of Communist tendencies like liberalism and laziness. Keep you eye on your boss, too. But remember, son: he’s your boss, so you must show him the proper respect, up to and after you’ve turned him over to the proper authorities.
Good luck, son. We’re counting on you to keep this fine country of our strong and free of the Communist menace.
Dear Mr. Jones,
Well, heh-heh. Boys will be boys, won’t they? And for the spice rack, I’d go with Dutch Elm. It’s plentiful, you know, and stronly resistent to cracking, mildew, and infection. Good luck, and attaboy!
Dear Adam,
Easy now, son. It’s ok to be concerned about the Communist threat to our fine way of life, but I think you’re a bit confused here. It’s a common ploy of the agents of Communism to try to corrupt fine young men like yourself and get you thinking all kinds of irresponsible things, like it’s ok to have pre-marital sex. I’m telling you, young man: it’s not. And it’s not the Chinese we need to worry about, m’boy. It’s the Soviets.
So why don’t you go play ball for a bit with your pals, and think that over. When you’re ready to listen to reason, I’ll be in the Den.
Dear Moral Mom,
Good for you for recognizing immoral (and potentially Communist) behavior in your neighborhood. It warms my heart to see an upstanding member of the community such as yourself concerned enough to and bright enough to get good advice when you need it most. I wouldn’t recommend packing the girls off to a convent, but you might consider keeping them indoors, at least until they’re married. Good luck.
50’s Dad
fighting the inexorable march of Communism is futile, we are making inroads into your culture even as we speak, you are the last of a dying breed, the flag-waving American, America will become a wonderful, free, Comunist state, where all people are equal and the power will finally rest with who it belongs to, the Worker
resistance is futile, you will be assimilated
yours in Communism
Fidel “don’t call me Giggles” Castro
Dear 50’s Dad,
I am building a bomb shelter in our back yard to protect my family from the Red Menance.
My question is is no matter how I wire it, I just cannot get good TV reception on my RCA in my underground bunker. The bunny ears are useless. What do you recommend?
How am I to survive the apocalypse with just the wife and 5 daughters with my sanity intact?
Sincerely,
Howard G. Nelson
Dear Chap,
Colored, eh? I’d only worry if they’re red. And you’re right to worry about your daughters. Like I told Moral Mom, your best bet is to keep your girls indoors where you can protect them, and make sure they learn the important skills they’ll need later in life like cooking and sewing. Good luck son. Go make me proud.
Dear Fidel,
It’s very nice to hear from you again. I was a bit concerned when I learned my Citrus Plantations on your fine island nation had been Privatizzed, but we all know that can’t last. Why don’t you get on board with us, sport? I mean, really. how long do you think this People’s rebellion of yours can last? Good luck, and God Bless.
Dear 50’s Dad,
We attend Our Lady of Perpetual Misery where our six sons ( Michael, Patrick, Johnny, Jimmy, Joey and Stevie) do us proud as altar boys ( They rotate on a weekly basis, a different two every Sunday)
After every mass, they help out Father Shanahan for an extra hour, then both come home sullen and withdrawn. It is getting more and more difficult to get all of them to do their Righteous Duty and Serve the Lord.
How to I guilt my boys properly? I fear for their souls.
Signed,
Mary Margeret Hoolihan-Flaherty
Dear 50’s Dad,
I understand that there is an Upstart in Senate who is one of them Catholics that has a shot at being President.
What as a papist hating member of the United States can I do to stop this Irish Menance? Clearly, it is the sign of the End of Times!
Concerned,
Clem Kadiddlehopper
Dear Mrs. Hoolihan-Flaherty,
I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about. Boys can be moody. Why, they’re probably just sore because they’d rather be out playing ball. If it was anything more serious, I’m sure they’d come to you for advise. In the mean-time, I think you’d be best off to just ignore the whole thing and pretend everything is fine. I’m sure 20 or 30 years from now, you’ll have forgotten all about their bad moods. Good luck, dear.