Dear Clem,
A papist in the Oval Office? Why, there’s about as much chance of that as putting a man on the moon!
Dear Howard,
Good for you for looking out for your family. Sorry, but I really don’t know what you can do about your television reception. You see, I’ve got a good, sturdy, hand-cranking Victrola in our Shelter. Yessiree. A good sturdy Victrola, a case of scotch, and plenty of pipe tobacco. Oh, and some canned goods and cleaning supplies for the little woman.
Dear 50’s Dad,
My daughter is dating a negro. Even though he is educated, well spoken and graduated from Harvard and treats her well and is of our faith, I don’t want any darkies for grandchildren.
This will effect my standings at the club and the lodge.
What can I do?
Signed,
Edgar Longbottom
Dear Edgar,
Like I’ve said before, 50’s Dad doesn’t know much about the negros, but remember: it’s up to us to be good citizens, and when we meet new people we’ve got to put our best foot forward, and hope that they will, too. You should give this fella a chance, and as long as he’s not Communist, or listen to rock n roll music, you shouldn’t worry. Good luck, son.
Dear 50’s Dad,
I asked my dad about commies. He said they were Ruskies. But weren’t they our friends just a couple years ago, during the war? What happened?
- Wondering in Waynesboro
Dear 50’s Dad-
My father tells me one way to tell if someone’s a communist is that they don’t have feet like you and I do, but rather, they have cloven hooves hidden in their shoes. If that’s true, why doesn’t Sen. McCarthy just get those obviously guilty (otherwise why would they be there?) communists to take off their shoes?
Dear Wondering,
That’s one the Communists’ favorite tricks - they pretend to be your friend, then WHAM! They next day the drop an Atomic Bomb on your fine country. We must beware. Now run along son, I think there’s a ballgame down at the park.
Dear Maus,
Heh-heh. Your pops is a funny guy. It’s not that easy. You see, son, your father was speaking metaphorically. Communists don’t really have cloven hooves, though sometimes we imaging they do. Eat your veggies, son, and maybe you’ll grow up to be as clever as your pops.
Dear 50’s Dad,
I was noticing my neighbor doesn’t wear a hat when he leaves the house. Is this a new trend I should be concerned about? I couldn’t imagine leaving the house without my hat on. Do communists wear hats?
I live in an apartment building in NYC. There is a Cuban Band leader and his Red-Headed wife that are always causing mischief. In light of Fidel, should I report them to the NYPD or right to McCarthy.
PS. I have heard they travels to Europe & Hollywood also.
Your Truly
Concerned Neighbor
Dear 50’s Dad,
I’ve recently gotten engaged. My fiance’s mother is angry with me because I do not plan to quit teaching school right after we’re married.
What should I do?
-Worried in Waukesha
Dear Gangster,
You’re right to be suspicious, son. Hatless men aren’t necessarily Communists, but they certainly can’t be trusted. I’m proud of you for being so insightful. Nice job.
Dear Concerned Neighbor,
While 50’s Dad is generally leary of red-headed women, it’s important to remember a strong, level-headed man can really steady even the most mischeivious wife. And remember, our Cuban friends are latins, and latins tend to be a bit hot-blooded. Fidel is a perfect example. Things will settle down there before the years out. Trust me on this one, son. I’ll have my Citrus Groves back in no time.
Dear 50’s Dad,
I have a red headed step child.
Should I contact the FBI?
Perplexed in Peoria
Dear 50’s Dad,
In school they teach us to “Duck and Cover” to protect ourselves from fallout should the Russians drop the bomb while we are outside and not near a shelter. I tried to get my mom and dad to practice this in case we can’t get to the bomb shelter me and dad built in time but they just laugh at me. Should I report them as communists because they don’t want to protect their all American son when the Ruskies drop the big one on us?
Signed,
Prepared to be Nuked
Dear 50’s Dad:
I am a teenaged girl, and my favorite things to do are helping my mom cook (she’s the best!), sewing, making cookies for my steady beau and solving mysteries in my spare time. However, I have a younger sister that I am very protective of and I fear for her-- she doesn’t like to be indoors learning how to cook or sew at all. She would rather be out with running with the boys, or playing ball. She can even hit a baseball farther than any of the guys in our school! It’s no wonder she doesn’t have a steady beau like me!
What can I do to help her?
Signed,
Cherrie Belden-Drew
50’s Dad i feel it is my duty as a good Communist (no, that’s not a contradiction in terms) to inform you that “your” citrus groves are thriving and performing well…
in their new duties as the staging area for our glorious Soviet Nuclear Missiles, the grove has been clearcut to the ground by Cuban Freedom Fighters, but don’t worry, the fruits were used to feed the townspeople, and the wood was used to construct the security checkpoint for the missile site, i would like to thank you for growing such a fine crop of citrus, it was most useful in advancing our Glorious Communist Regime, may i offer you a cigar in thank…oops, forgot your running pig-dog government doesn’t allow you to trade with us, nevermind…
Yours in Communism
Fidel “yes this beard is real” Castro
Dear 50’s Dad,
Thanks for the advice about my hatless neighbor. I was wondering what you thought the world would be like in 50 years.
Dear 50’s Dad
this message is coming to you from the far future time of 2005, in this time we have cars that can go 0-60 in under 4 seconds, cars that get 50+ MPG (made by communists, sadly…) we have been to the moon, but no one is living there yet, although we do have a space station in orbit (which we worked on together with the Russians, if you can believe it, they’re our freinds again…) and we have computers that we can fit in our pockets, and music players the size of a stick of Wrigleys Spearmint Gum that can hold 1000+ songs
right now the U.S. is under attack from a more insidious force than the Communists (in 2005, communism has been largely eliminated, the only two major communist holdouts are North Korea, and…you guessed it, Cuba (yes, Fidel is still in charge, believe it or not)) it seems Mother Nature doesn’t like us anymore, and has been hammering Florida and the Gulf Coast with monster, killer hurricanes (Category 3-5), last month, New Orleans was almost completely obliterated and under 10+ feet of water, could Mother Nature have turned Commie on us?
anyway, i have a question for you, i have a game on my computer called “The Sims 2”, it’s a game where you control the lives of little virtual “people”, i need to know how i can tell if my Sims are Commies and how i can put them back on the straight and narrow…
sincerely
Perplexed in New England
Dear 50’s Dad,
My older brother has a friend, Del, who’s kind of a hipster. Del wants my brother to accompany him to attend a concert by a Negro singer and piano player in the Negro part of town, next Saturday night, and I think my brother might go, if only to do a favor (a BIG one!) for his buddy. Del says he’s a real talent, even though I never heard of him. I’m worried that if they go they might run into a bad crowd and get into trouble, or danger. Del and Burt are both 17 and Burt is headed towards the State U. next year, so this is no time for him to risk getting into a fight, or worse. Should I be a rat and tell Mom and Dad, or just try to talk my brother out of it?
– Sally
P.S. The musician is named Ray Charles. Have you heard of him?