Ask the 50's Dad...

[gandalflute]

Dear Fifties Dad,

How can I convince my husband to perform, um, cuddliness? You know what I mean.

Sally Housecoat

[Rilchiam]

Dear 50’s Dad,

I am a fifteen-year-old girl. Recently, my mom and I went shopping for a dress for me to wear to the big dance. She kept showing me all these dresses with full skirts, but I wanted to get one with a straight skirt. I thought it looked really sophisticated, like they wear in New York City! But my mom said only a loose woman would wear a tight skirt. I don’t get it. How can I be loose if the skirt is tight? Also, if I wear a red dress, does that make me a Communist?

Sincerely,

Jane Purdy

[Beware_of_Doug]

Dear 50’s Dad:

Last night at a cocktail party, some guy I barely know called me a Commie. What is a Commie, and how do I know if I am one?

Sign me,
–Confused

[Beware_of_Doug]

Dear 50’s Dad:

Is this Billy guy a Commie?

How about Adlai Stevenson?

[Shirley_Ujest]

Dear 50’s Dad,

My husband wants me to perform fellatio. I’m not really sure what that is but I have done stage work when I was in High School. I failed latin and never really felt comfortable with Shakespeare’s work. Will this be a problem?

Signed,

Doris Dubacker

[Shodan]

Dear 50’s Dad:

Where do babies come from? I asked Mom while she was vacuuming, and she told me to ask you.

Regards,
Shodan

[Winston_Smith]

@Orual

Dear 50’s Dad,

I’ve recently gotten engaged. My fiance’s mother is angry with me because I do not plan to quit teaching school right after we’re married.

What should I do?

-Worried in Waukesha

Dear Worried,
Your fiance’s mother is probably just looking out for her son, and that’s not such a bad thing, is it? Mothers just want the best for their sons, and you’re a bright young lady, so I’m sure you can see how difficult it would be to take care of your home and husband if you were off trying to hold down a job. Good luck, young lady. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.

[Winston_Smith]

@Shirley Ujest

Dear 50’s Dad,

I have a red headed step child.

Should I contact the FBI?
Perplexed in Peoria

Dear Perplexed,
I don’t see any reason to get the fine men in the FBI involved in something your neighborhood police officer can handle.

[Winston_Smith]

@swampbear

Dear 50’s Dad,

In school they teach us to “Duck and Cover” to protect ourselves from fallout should the Russians drop the bomb while we are outside and not near a shelter. I tried to get my mom and dad to practice this in case we can’t get to the bomb shelter me and dad built in time but they just laugh at me. Should I report them as communists because they don’t want to protect their all American son when the Ruskies drop the big one on us?

Signed,
Prepared to be Nuked

Dear Prepared,
Listen, son, your folks know what’s best for you. If they think you need to practice, they’ll tell you. In the mean-time, you can practice being a good citizen by being heedful and respectful of them, but you’re a bright young man, so I’m sure you already know that.

[Winston_Smith]

@mojave66

Dear 50’s Dad:

I am a teenaged girl, and my favorite things to do are helping my mom cook (she’s the best!), sewing, making cookies for my steady beau and solving mysteries in my spare time. However, I have a younger sister that I am very protective of and I fear for her-- she doesn’t like to be indoors learning how to cook or sew at all. She would rather be out with running with the boys, or playing ball. She can even hit a baseball farther than any of the guys in our school! It’s no wonder she doesn’t have a steady beau like me!
What can I do to help her?

Signed,
Cherrie Belden-Drew

Dear Cherrie,
Well, I’m certainly proud of you for being concerned about your little sister. You’re such a good sister to her, I’m sure your influence will eventually help her overcome this ‘tom-boy’ phase she’s going through. She’ll grow out of it in good time. Sooner or later she’ll meet a young man that’s interested in her, and she’ll realize how silly it is for a young lady to waste her time on sports and tom-boy-ishness.

[Ike_Witt]

@Winston Smith

Dear Adam,
Easy now, son. It’s ok to be concerned about the Communist threat to our fine way of life, but I think you’re a bit confused here. It’s a common ploy of the agents of Communism to try to corrupt fine young men like yourself and get you thinking all kinds of irresponsible things, like it’s ok to have pre-marital sex. I’m telling you, young man: it’s not. And it’s not the Chinese we need to worry about, m’boy. It’s the Soviets.

So why don’t you go play ball for a bit with your pals, and think that over. When you’re ready to listen to reason, I’ll be in the Den.

I just finished playing soccer with my friends. I am still worried about the fact that there are so many red Chinese. What if they ever develop the bomb? Hell, how do we know that they haven’t gotten it already from the Russians? You know that you can’t trust a commie.

[Winston_Smith]

@Gangster Octopus

Dear 50’s Dad,

Thanks for the advice about my hatless neighbor. I was wondering what you thought the world would be like in 50 years.

Dear Gangster,
Why, I think the future will be a glorious spectacle of world-wide admiration and immitation of our fine American way of life. Now run along, son. You’ll never make the Varsity team if you don’t practice! Go get 'em, champ!

[Winston_Smith]

@MacTech

Dear 50’s Dad
this message is coming to you from the far future time of 2005, in this time we have cars that can go 0-60 in under 4 seconds, cars that get 50+ MPG (made by communists, sadly…) we have been to the moon, but no one is living there yet, although we do have a space station in orbit (which we worked on together with the Russians, if you can believe it, they’re our freinds again…) and we have computers that we can fit in our pockets, and music players the size of a stick of Wrigleys Spearmint Gum that can hold 1000+ songs

right now the U.S. is under attack from a more insidious force than the Communists (in 2005, communism has been largely eliminated, the only two major communist holdouts are North Korea, and…you guessed it, Cuba (yes, Fidel is still in charge, believe it or not)) it seems Mother Nature doesn’t like us anymore, and has been hammering Florida and the Gulf Coast with monster, killer hurricanes (Category 3-5), last month, New Orleans was almost completely obliterated and under 10+ feet of water, could Mother Nature have turned Commie on us?

anyway, i have a question for you, i have a game on my computer called “The Sims 2”, it’s a game where you control the lives of little virtual “people”, i need to know how i can tell if my Sims are Commies and how i can put them back on the straight and narrow…

sincerely
Perplexed in New England

Dear Perplexed,
Whoa! Look out Isaac Asimov, here comes my boy! Son, I think you’re spending too much time indoors, and that’s not good for the humours. It’s such a nice day, why don’t you head on down to the ball field and see if you can get a game up!

[Winston_Smith]

@The Scrivener

Dear 50’s Dad,

My older brother has a friend, Del, who’s kind of a hipster. Del wants my brother to accompany him to attend a concert by a Negro singer and piano player in the Negro part of town, next Saturday night, and I think my brother might go, if only to do a favor (a BIG one!) for his buddy. Del says he’s a real talent, even though I never heard of him. I’m worried that if they go they might run into a bad crowd and get into trouble, or danger. Del and Burt are both 17 and Burt is headed towards the State U. next year, so this is no time for him to risk getting into a fight, or worse. Should I be a rat and tell Mom and Dad, or just try to talk my brother out of it?

– Sally

P.S. The musician is named Ray Charles. Have you heard of him?

Dear Sally,
A hipster, eh? It’s such a shame when young men like this Del get their priorities all mixed up. Don’t try to talk your brother out of it, though. That’s your folks’ job. You’d be right to let them know you’re worried about Burt.

I’ve never heard of Ray Charles. I’ll ask the fellas down at the lodge, though.

[Winston_Smith]

@gandalflute

Dear Fifties Dad,

How can I convince my husband to perform, um, cuddliness? You know what I mean.

Sally Housecoat

Dear Sally,
I’m sure your husband is just tired from the hard work he does to make a comfortable home for you. Try to make his daily return from the office a special event: make sure he has time for a glass of scotch before dinner is ready, and let him unwind. Let him tell you about his day, if he wants to, and make sure the children are well-behaved and quiet during this time. After he’s had some time to relax, then you can tell him about your day, if you wish, and so can the children. But remember, the first 30 minutes or so after he gets home should be his time to unwind and relax. Trust me, if you take my advise on this, you’ll have a content and happy husband, and that’s what’s really important, isn’t it?

[Musicat]

@adam yax

I just finished playing soccer with my friends…

Soccer? Soccer? My boy, I’m sure 50’s Dad would agree that that’s not the right kind of sport for a manly AMERICAN boy! They wear those fruity shorts and get penalized if they tackle each other! Why not strap on a helmet and some padding, go out for a pass, and play real football, as God intended?

[Winston_Smith]

@Rilchiam

Dear 50’s Dad,

I am a fifteen-year-old girl. Recently, my mom and I went shopping for a dress for me to wear to the big dance. She kept showing me all these dresses with full skirts, but I wanted to get one with a straight skirt. I thought it looked really sophisticated, like they wear in New York City! But my mom said only a loose woman would wear a tight skirt. I don’t get it. How can I be loose if the skirt is tight? Also, if I wear a red dress, does that make me a Communist?

Sincerely,

Jane Purdy

Dear Jane,
Your Mother is just looking out for you, Jane. I’m sure you’re a fine young lady of outstanding character, and would want to give anyone reason to believe otherwise. Your mother knows what’s best, now, so you listen to her. And while I don’t think wearing a red dress would make you a Communist, we can’t afford to take any chances now, can we?

[Winston_Smith]

@Beware of Doug

Dear 50’s Dad:

Last night at a cocktail party, some guy I barely know called me a Commie. What is a Commie, and how do I know if I am one?

Sign me,
–Confused

Dear Confused,
Sometimes even the best of us will get caught up in the merriment of a good cocktail party, and drink one scotch too many. Why, it’s even happened to 50’s Dad, but the important thing is that you showed restraint, and for that I’m proud of you. While nobody wants to be be called a Communist, nobody wants their evening spoiled by a scrape caused by some rude drunkard. Bravo, son. I think you handled that well. And believe me, if you were a Communist, you’d know it.

[Winston_Smith]

@Beware of Doug

Dear 50’s Dad:

Is this Billy guy a Commie?

How about Adlai Stevenson?

Dear Doug,
Yes, son. Both Communists. <sigh>

[Winston_Smith]

@Shirley Ujest

Dear 50’s Dad,

My husband wants me to perform fellatio. I’m not really sure what that is but I have done stage work when I was in High School. I failed latin and never really felt comfortable with Shakespeare’s work. Will this be a problem?

Signed,

Doris Dubacker

Dear Doris,
Fellatio, eh? Sounds Italian. I’m not sure what it is either, but if your husband would like it, it’s your duty as a good wife to either provide it, or find someone who can demonstrate it for you - just like getting a new kitchen appliance, or a Hoover Vacuum, sometimes we need to turn to the professionals to demonstrate a new tool to us. I’m glad you were contientious enough to write! Good luck.