Dear Shodan,
Go ask your mother.
Dear Adam
Soccer, son? Soccer? Listen, sport, you’ll never improve your ball game as long as your wasting time playing soccer. Now, listen: I hate to do this, but you need to go to your room for a while and think this over. See you at dinner, son.
Dear Unsigned,
My sentiments exactly. You’re a fine young man, and I’m glad we see eye-to-eye on this.
Don’t forget Dwight D. Eisenhower. At least according to that fine patriotic organization, all of whom play football and baseball, I’m sure, the John Birch Society.
Dear Musicat,
Eisenhower a Communist, eh? Well, that’s a new one on 50’s Dad! Why, those Birchers. What a bunch of cards they are. My goodness.
Dear 50s Dad:
I’m a 12 year old girl. My mom and dad said I’m getting another brother or sister soon, but they sleep in separate beds and never drink out of the same cup, so how did my mom get pregnant? My friend Mary says you have to sleep together or share a cup of coffee to have a baby. And do I have to baby-sit? What if the baby’s a Commie? Can I give it up for adoption?
Sincerely,
Ethel D. Slough
Now, 50’s Dad, you are starting to worry me.
I had to travel into the future to get this quote:
http://www.historycooperative.org/journals/ohq/105.2/toy.html
…but the fact that you didn’t know that Eisenhower is a communist is revealing. How can we be sure YOU aren’t a Communist?? :eek:
Better go out and play some ball to help shed yourself of any improper thoughts. Or maybe make a birdhouse in your woodworking shop. Then sit down, smoke a pipe, and watch some Ed Sullivan, George Burns, or Steve Allen with the little woman. Who aren’t Commies. Yet.
Dear 50’s Dad,
At school today my teacher said that we should all try to get along. He said that even people in Russia want to be our friends if we just let them. When I called him a communist pinko trying to ruin our young minds, he sent me to the principal. The principal told me it would be ok, my teacher is just young and doesn’t know any better yet. What if somebody believed him? Should I tell my folks? Should I turn him in to the FBI? Should I gun him down in the hallway tomorrow? Should I announce over the PA at the football game tomorrow night that Mr. Tchavronostokovsky is a commie?
Signed,
All American High School Student
Ethel, I don’t know who taught you that word, but it’s improper! Why, they can’t even say it on television! Everybody knows you’re supposed to say “in the family way.”
And your Mom must’ve been at the public swimming pool. At least she’s a married lady, so she won’t get sent away, like my friend Pam at school did.
So what’s the track with this “Jackson” play, dad? You hear “Jackson”? All I never heard got that “Jackson” strand going, but maybe you dig it and would clue me in?
(Or was that supposed to be the 40s?)
Dear, Ethel,
Go ask your mother.
Dear Musicat,
Look, son, I know it’s east to get upset and excited when it comes to the red menace, but really. 50’s Dad a Communist? Heh-heh. Why, if it weren’t for my placid temperment and easygoing nature, you might have landed yourself in hot water, son. Now listen: let’s try worrying less about me, and more about practicing your hitting. You’ll never make the Varisty team if you don’t practice. Oh. And, ah, try to lay off the science fiction, son. There you go. 'Atta boy!
Dear 50’s Dad,
All the cool guys in my school are greasing their hair back with what looks like more than just a little dab of Vitalis. What are they putting in their hair? And why do they call it a D.A.? When I ask them what the initials stand for, they won’t tell me. They just call me a square and laugh at me. I want to be cool too. Can you help me?
Signed
a square guy in Squaresville.
P.S. Why do all the really cool guys wear leather? Is it some sort of secret club?
Dear 50’s Dad:
My wonderful husband and I have been married for 1 year, 10 months and 3 days and we already have two wonderful children. I love both my wonderful husband and our wonderful two children, but sometimes I’m too tire to perform my wifely duties, and I do not think I could handle another wonderful baby right now.
I know using “protection” is wrong. Do you know of anything I can put into my husband’s coffee that would make him less interested in…well, you know.
Signed,
Tired (but wonderful) wife and mother
Dear 50’s Dad,
Your answers appear to follow a very predictable pattern.
How can we tell if you are a real person or a just highly sophisiticated AI answer-bot?
Sincerely,
A. M. Turing
Dear 50’s Dad,
I hear people saying they should break up the Yankee’s because they win all the time, they even suggest there should be “Revenue sharing”???
That got to communist talk and code doesn’t it? I mean break up the Yankees must be commie code for destroying the USA.
Also, will Mickey break Ruth’s records?
Signed,
Yours Sincerly
Little George Steinbrenner.
Dear All American High School Student,
Well, now, son. Given the circumstances, I’d have to say all of the above. Rarely have I heard so obvious and example of Communismness. Way to go, son.
Dear AHunter3,
Sorry, son, but if you want an answer, you’ll have to speak English. 50’s Dad doesn’t speak “hipster”.
Dear Square,
Yess, as a matter of fact, it is a secret club. It’s called the Future Convicts Club*. Remember, son, it’s not cool to get in trouble with the law.
Dear Tired,
Well, now. Your husband still goes to work even when he’s tired from a long evening playing Bridge and drinking scotch, right? Maybe you could hire a nanny - she can take care of some of the chores around the house that you’re too tired to do. Good luck!