Ask the Bulwer-Lytton contest judge

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Unfortunately I must report my failure to win the Bulwer-Lytton contest for a 2nd year. I know this because, as a former winner, I was asked to be a judge in this year’s contest. Had any of my sentences made to into the finals, I wouldn’t have been asked to participate. Too bad, because I was hoping to vote for myself.

As the end of July approached, I got more optimistic. I thought, since I haven’t been contacted yet, I am still in the running to win. Alas, my hopes were finally dashed last week, when I received a list of entries to vote on. To make a bummer day complete, it was the same day I learned my job was being eliminated come November. And no, they don’t pay me to judge. It’s all done for the glory.

2

Do you feel physical pain from reading such atrocious sentences?

3

Can’t Cecil give you “Best of the Worst-emeritus” status?

4

[QUOTE=Autolycus]
Do you feel physical pain from reading such atrocious sentences?
[/QUOTE]

Wow, you’re fast! No, I did feel a kind of emptiness at the core of my soul when I realized that Scott Rice, the Ultimate Artbiter, had decided my entries were unworthy. The actual work, though, was fun.

5

[QUOTE=Annie]
Can’t Cecil give you “Best of the Worst-emeritus” status?
[/QUOTE]

Cecil giveth, and Cecil taketh away. Praised Be Cecil!

6

[QUOTE=Boyo Jim]
Wow, you’re fast!
[/QUOTE]

That’s what she said!

Wait… does that refer to me? Oh my.

What was the judging process? Did you vote?

7

[QUOTE=Autolycus]
That’s what she said!

Wait… does that refer to me? Oh my.

What was the judging process? Did you vote?
[/QUOTE]

We have gone through 2 rounds of voting. I think, though I’m not certain, that we’re done.

I have to say, I disappointed in the process. I was up for a much higher level of participation. I thought we would see all the entries and have several rounds of voting. Or, if there were too many entries for everyone to read them all, they’d be divided up into 2 or 3 or 4 blocks, and subcommittees of some kind would get blocks of them.

Instead, we all got the same 25 sentences, that Scott had winnowed down from the originals. Which means ultimately that the winner is much more arbitrary than I thought. There is no second chance that some judges could ressurect an entry that Scott doesn’t like, because no one else will see it.

Anyway, we vote on those, and a couple of days later we get the top 6 vote getters. He did note that the one I had already voted for as the best in Round 1, was a clear preference among the judges. But none of the others I voted among the best had made it to the 2nd list.

And now I’ve voted a second time for the same sentence. I didn’t think the others on the list were even particularly close.

I would expect the the winner will be announced to the press early next week.

Oh, and we don’t know anything about the entrants, we get just the entries themselves

8

Was it a dark and stormy night with wind moaning through the dead trees on the Moors like a cat howling in heat while you were sipping brandy reading the submissions?

9

My sister entered two sentences this year, I wonder if she even got away from the starting gate.

10

You’ll always be the best of the wurst to me…

Wait, wait! This WAS the hot dog eating contest in NY, wasn’t it?

11

Do you find yourself reading entries with a jaundiced eye thinking, “Hell, I can do worse than this!”?

12

I’ve got a couple of entries this time that- hypothetically- might just net a judge who say pushed me over the edge into victory some Omaha Steaks (little freezer burn, but that’s good for you) and anything that’s left on a Chick Fil-A gift card should they decide to vote in my favor…

13

Will the finalists be disclosed after the contest ends? If not, would you be allowed to post the 25 finalists so we can see if any of us made it that far?

14

[QUOTE=Boyo Jim]
Cecil giveth, and Cecil taketh away. Praised Be Cecil!
[/QUOTE]
I knew it! I knew this place was a cult!

[sub]Of course, after eight years here, I’m far too, um, ‘acculturated’ to leave…[/sub]

15

[QUOTE=Sunspace]
I knew it! I knew this place was a cult!

[sub]Of course, after eight years here, I’m far too, um, ‘acculturated’ to leave…[/sub]
[/QUOTE]

Shut up and drink your Flavor-Aid. :eek:

16

[QUOTE=Boyo Jim]
Too bad, because I was hoping to vote for myself.

[/QUOTE]

You remain the Best of the Worst, no matter what it says under your username. :smiley:

17

[QUOTE=Mr. Goob]
Was it a dark and stormy night with wind moaning through the dead trees on the Moors like a cat howling in heat while you were sipping brandy reading the submissions?
[/QUOTE]

I wish I had thought to set a scene – a smoking jacket, a meerschaum pipe, an easy chair with a Persian cat on my lap – er, I seem to be imagining myself as Sherlock Blofeld. Nah, I just sat at my desk, opened my email and read.

[QUOTE=Baker]
My sister entered two sentences this year, I wonder if she even got away from the starting gate.
[/QUOTE]

If you PM them to me I can tell you if they made the first cut, but I won’t be able to say until after the results are published.

[QUOTE=kunilou]
Do you find yourself reading entries with a jaundiced eye thinking, “Hell, I can do worse than this!”?
[/QUOTE]

Yes, actually to my great frustration, I do. I really believe several of my entries were as good or better than ones on the list. After the winners are published, I will post my entries here – actually, I’ve posted most of them already in earlier threads – and you can judge. Maybe I just can’t suppress my own ego.

[QUOTE=Sampiro]
I’ve got a couple of entries this time that- hypothetically- might just net a judge who say pushed me over the edge into victory some Omaha Steaks (little freezer burn, but that’s good for you) and anything that’s left on a Chick Fil-A gift card should they decide to vote in my favor…
[/QUOTE]

If you fly in some fresh Kobe beef and a good chef, we might have the elements of a deal. Oh yeah, and a geisha to feed me and dance for my amusement – a stripper geisha!

[QUOTE=Kat]
Will the finalists be disclosed after the contest ends? If not, would you be allowed to post the 25 finalists so we can see if any of us made it that far?
[/QUOTE]

I’m not quite sure how that will play out. Here are the published 2007 winners. Clearly they printed a bunch. We judges haven’t been asked to partake in any category judgings. So maybe Scott amuses himself by just picking other things he likes, or perhaps we’ll have another round of judging.

I’ll ask about publishing the 25 if he doesn’t. I would kind of guess not – he hasn’t proved to be real responsive in my communication through the year. I don’t really hold it against him – after all, he’s a real professor with a real job, and this contest is something he started years ago for his own amusement. I think he wants to keep it firmly under his thumb, and I’m ok with that.

I certainly can’t publish them without his permission, as I can’t even attribute them to their authors.

[QUOTE=Ale]
You remain the Best of the Worst, no matter what it says under your username. :smiley:
[/QUOTE]

That’s sweet. I absolutely love ass kissing and ass kissers! :stuck_out_tongue:

18

Well, at least Jim and I got to meet you while you were still famous. :smiley: (By the way, we’re totally coming back to Minnesota/Wisconsin - cheese tour, here we come!)

19

Did you recognize any sentences from the threads here?

20

Are any of the top 25 direct quotes from White House briefings?