Answer to the first question is no. When we want to get up, we do, and permanent attachment precludes that. Re the second question, if we didn’t initiate the end of the lap session, you get ‘the look’. You get to stand up when we aren’t using the lap. Commit that to memory, and things will be much better. 
I have two kitties who speak siamese and a kitty who speaks manx, can they understand each other, or it is like chinese and english, and they’ll have to find a translator?
If you were confined to a 1-bedroom aparment, with only 1 human companion/slave who was absent 10 hours a day, would you consider that torture or an acceptable life? Would it help if you also had one feline companion?
There may be some misunderstandings at first, but like people from Philly and Pittsburgh, they will eventually figure things out, as there are enough common phrases among differing cat dialects. That sounds like a fun crew!
It might be an acceptable life for an adult who was used to being the only kitty, but it’s always more fun to have a friend. Somebody to lay with in the sunshine, someone to chase and be attacked by, someone to shred toilet tissue with, etc. We’re very intelligent and social critters, so companionship is important.
Why do cats feel that putting their butts in your face is the greatest form of compliment?
Re: breaking and entering – my cat, Elvis, regards an open door in a neighbor’s house to be an invitation to enter. He has gone into the houses on either side of me, scaring the hell out of one woman when she turned around in her kitchen and found him watching her. When no doors are open, he merely taunts. (He especially likes to jump on the neighbor’s dining room windowsill and spray when the cat inside is watching.)
Two questions here.
What’s up with the greeblingz or flaming cahooties deal? You know, sleep peacefully, suddenly wake up with a mad gleam, and start literally bouncing off the walls and ceiling? It’s great fun to watch, but I gotta know why you do that.
Someone else mentioned The Opener Of Doors (humans), but when the doors and windows are all closed and locked, how do you still get in and out at will? Are you hiding a transporter pad somewhere?
Finally a plea. I know the weather is usually good. But when it isn’t and you still want to go out, can’t you accept the fact that it really isn’t my fault? I didn’t do it.
I know you wanted the Door Into Summer, but it doesn’t work that way.
meow meowwww meow
woof woof bark bark bark
*flails arms around wildly, mimicking a dog drowning
meow meeeow meeowwwwww
bwahahaha… get it?
They saw what you did with your significant other, and you seemed very happy with that. 
Open doors invite us to come in and see what’s on the inside. Heck-we know what the outside looks like. New things to smell. Maybe a rodent? Why leap outta your skin lady, I was just lookin’ around. I’m a cat. Do I look like the Boston Strangler or somethin’? Re taunting: I’m out and you’re in, you can’t touch me, neener neener.
It’s a form of stored up nuclear energy allowing us to jump sideways or straight up without moving legs. These are skills we must keep finely honed. Heh. You should see what we do when you’re sleeping.
Doors and walls are mere nuisances to a cat. We’d show you, but then we’d have to kill and eat you, and that would hurt our public image of being sweet and cuddly.
No. Fix it. 
That’s an oldie but a goodie. Have you heard this one?
A dog walks into a sawmill…
All right, cat. I want to know why my cats get so pissed off when my husband and I perform our marital duties. One hides under a chair, the other growls and attacks my legs when we’re done. Is he jealous? (Which wouldn’t be too far from the truth - he’s a huge mama’s boy).
E.
My kitten just sits and watches us while we “play”, we’re thinking of naming her “Purr-vert” but then we’d have to explain to people why we call her that.
Pretty obvious-you’re both getting treats, and you haven’t brought enough for him. A good session of wholesome lovin’ is physical, audibly and visually, and kitty wants to know why he can’t play, too. What was the last time kitty had some hot, sticky kitty lovin’? You’d growl too if you were hungry and watched two folks scarf down some chateabriand.
I’ve always thought cats, especially whole males, were less than sociable with strangers.
When I was being karmicly punished, and could only find a “no pets” apartment, my boss, DownTown Spot Brown, an apple-headed siamese, (His name was just Spot at my house, I guess that was his full and formal name) had to go live with my friends with a house and yard. I gave them money to have him altered, but, they never got around to it.
Among his many memorable quirks, he would, about one night a week have “parties,” like in the commercials for multi-cat litter. My friends would get up at night and find anywhere from 3 to 10 cats sleeping in the hallway between their bedroom and the bathroom. He brought them in through the cat flap.
He also had their dog, an Irish Setter, in his thrall. He, DTSB, would knock food off the kitchen counter, the dog would carry it outside, then they’d lie down face to face to share it. Otherwise the dog was terrified of DTSB.
Can this be explained?
DTSB is evidently a charismatic, cool cat, which is why other kitties think it’s good to hang with him. Some dogs are higher-functioning and can glimpse the gateway to catthink, and learn from a cat such as DTSB. 
My wife and I serve four cats, all neutered males. The oldest one has a habit of waking up my wife or me in the wee hours because one or more of the several food bowls is less than completely full, yet there’s still plenty of food available to get everyone through the night.
My question is twofold: (1) why does he do this, and (2) why is he the only one who does it? Is it understood among all the cats that he’s the one who is supposed to tell us what to do and when?
Little Cat loves to be picked up and caried around. Big Cat is not such a fan. She will, in fact, attemp to bite most anyone who attemps it, and growl if she is not put down within 90 seconds. Why?