As you age, does it get more difficult to keep the goddam kids off your lawn?
VCNJ~
Dear Mr. Cranky,
What really happened to Judge Crater?
Dear Cranky,
I recently brought my automobile in to have the points cleaned, and that young whippersnapper at the garage told me that my automobile didn’t have points - that it has something called sparkplugs, or somthin’tuther. Well, I just walked right out, I tells ya. So.
My bursitus really pains me when it’s cold and humid. Any advice?
What’s your take on Japanese cars?
Oh, so you’re going to be silly now. I know you don’t mean a thing you say when you’ve gotten into this state. You shouldn’t let these old Dope-fiends get you all up in a lather. Come here and let me…
:eek: What have you done with your pants?
Dear Cornelius,
What’s with these kids nowadays, anyhow?
Signed,
Augustus P. Rockerfeller
Nope. Gets easier, in fact. You get old, you get wise and crafty and come up with ever more persuasive ways to keep the damn kids away. I got me some old surplus land mines installed now. Just let 'em try and tromp across now!
I et 'im. He was tough and gamey.
Listen to me. You stomp right back in there and you tell him to rip those damn plugs right out and put in a condenser and a set of points like God almighty himself intended automobiles to have. Those spark plugs are tools of the devil. Gap 'em incorrectly and they start electrocuting every damn person you pass! It’s Satan’s work!
Ovaltine, and plenty of it. That stuff will cure cancer, but the government won’t tell you that, the commie bastards.
If they aren’t good enough to be made on this continent they aren’t good enough period! Damn foreign junk.
You just hush up and let Daddy work his magic, little miss. Ol’ Cornelius knows how to cure what ail’s ya.
Lazy good-fer-nuthin’ spoiled layabouts. Take the belt to 'em, the whole lot, learn 'em some respect! Then put 'em in the military, get 'em some discipline, have 'em to right by their country! That’s the way you handle 'em.
One of my goals in life is to become a crotchety old man, though I suppose cranky would do the trick as well. Any tips on how I should go about reaching this goal?
So, what kind of shotgun do you own anyways? I’m talking about the one I see you gripping while resting in your rocking chair on the front lawn. I’ve always wanted to ask, but… well… not even cats have evil eyes like yours.
Dear Cranky old Malcontent,
My son came home today with an ass shot full of rock salt. He said this cranky old guy did it when he went to get his ball off the old guy’s lawn. Any idea what kind of an inconsiderate bastard would do such a thing?
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
And finally, did you ever meet Moses in person?
Thanks
Sgt Schwartz
First of all there’s an absolute truth you have to come to accept: The world has gone to hell because people who suck made it that way. Once you have come to accept it, make it a part of the every day truths you know deep down, it comes pretty easily. When you reach this point and then suddenly have the overwhelming urge to push that damned skateboard punk into oncoming traffic, you’re on your way!
That, my friend, is an O-riginal, mint-condition 1936 Winchester Model 70 bolt-action rifle, simply the finest gun ever made and don’t ever fergit it! And that’s not evil in my eyes. That’s vigilance. It’s a great dirty world we live in full of all kinds of scum. Ya gotta stay on alert if you wanna survive these days!
Oh, another wise guy, thinks he’s clever, huh? I’ll learn ya! I’ll learn ya all!
- If you’d keep that boy on a leash ‘steada lettin ‘im traipse all over m’damn lawn and ruinin’ my medicinal marijuana patches we wouldn’t be havin’ this conversation! Tie him up or leach 'im or whatever it is you do for discipline these days!
- It’s the sound o’ my left hand cloutin’ your right ear, numbskull.
- Moses? That Jewish bastard? He was too damn busy partin’ the red wine with his tongue and partying with the rich folk to give me the time of day. Goddamn uppity celebrities. You meet one God and you think you’re his best damn bud. Got news for ya, Mo! You were just his bellhop!
Sweet! I think I must be on the right track then. Two of my basic precepts of life are that People Suck and People Are Stupid. Now just to work on pushing punks into traffic…
Cranky, do you think that the recent heavily documented episode in which Britney Spears was found not to be wearing underpants in public is a sign of the decline of our civilization? How many times did you need to review the online video in order to reach your conclusion?
Thank you kindly.
Toilet water is mighty cold. I bet you know this better than most because your balls are making a nice nutsack tea in the toilet every time you sit on it.
By the way, my frisbee is on your roof…I’ll just go grab the ladder and put it on the side of the house when you’re not looking and sneak up there…
A sign of the decline? Son, civilization’s been heading straight down the shitter since we climbed down from the trees and opened up law offices. If Britney wants to go freeballin’ that’s her business. If you really want to go looking up people’s dresses I still have those Hoover pics…
Haven’t you learned yet? For every problem there eventually comes a solution. Believe you me it only takes once before you understand what needs to be done to put an end to a bad situation.
Good! Good. Gives me a chance to test my air defenses. And if you happen to get, um … stuck … up there, you might as well make yourself useful and finish that patch of shingling I never got around to doing.
Ha! Fooled you! When you were yelling at me, Jimmy from Next Door got up on the ladder and got the frisbee.
Good. Soon the castor bean extract it was covered with will start working its magic. That’ll teach the little bastard to stay the hell out of my yard.
Well, he wasn’t in your yard.
He was on my propery, dammit! Ya git on my property, ya git both barrels o’ my wrath!
Damn kids.
Where does the current go when it leaves the points and condenser?
How do you shoot rock salt out of a shotgun that’s a rifle?
(Man, I am so gonna get it!)