If there’s any justice, straight into yer steering column! Smart ass.
I pack it in front of a live round.
First smart thing ya said so far, now g’on and git me a beer. And none o’ that foofy foreign crap!
Sure thing, Pops. How about a Bud? I dang sure wouldn’t want any of that rock salt (and the bullet that follows might be a killer)! 
Who is buried in Grant’s Tomb?
Cranky As An Old Man has a contender. :o
Never mind the rock salt or bullet, what you really don’t want is the rough side o’ my tongue! My lashings are known far and wide to bring up the nastiest welts just from their volume alone!
Gen. Robert E. Lee and a whole bunch o’ Mexicans. Man had a twisted sense of humour. Thought you could trip me up with that one, didn’tcha? Showed you!
[/quote]
You listen up and listen good, boy. Any man turns up claiming to be crankier’n me you just send ‘em over my way and I’ll take care o’ that attitude but good! Where’s m’whoopin’ belt?
Dear COM:
How often in a typical day do you use any of the following words or phrases:
- tarnation
- dangnabbit
- gol-durned
- whippersnapper(s)
- bursitis
- the grippe
- what the Sam Hill
- 23-skidoo
- snappy
- defenestratin’
And is it true that your Social Security number is “7”?
Were you born or made? Were you always cranky and malcontent or have you grown so over the years?
If you were born this way, were your parents this way also? How many generations back can you attribute this characteristic?
If some life experience caused this, what was it?
What makes a better enema, Postum or Yoo Hoo?
Dagnabbit, what the Sam Hill kinda gol-durned question is that? And what in tarnation is grippe? That there’s French, ya li’l whippersnapper! Round these parts we call it the flu. I’d defenestrate y’all if my bursitis wasn’t actin’ up.
And there ain’t no way I’m sayin’ “23-skidoo.” That there’s just a dumb sayin’ no matter which way you slice it. Now g’on and git me my liniment.
Real wiseacre, you are. I’m gonna name you Hemorrhoid.
And you!
Been this way far back as I kin remember. ‘Course that ain’t sayin’ much.
Ever heard of a little boat called the Mayflower?
Aaron Burr done stole my hound dog. Kicked his ass but good. Pissed him off that did, went and got into a scrap with some politico. Shame that Mr. Hamilton didn’t get his shot off sooner.
Oh. Pretty recent then. I’m glad you didn’t say anything about Eve pissing off the old man or anything about that darn snake because then we’d all be in trouble. As it is, as long as we’re not descendants from the Mayflower, we should be OK. Whew!
So what happened? Did someone crush the gene pool on the voyage over here, eliminating the happy and contented gene? That must have hurt!
And thanks for not spreading any more of that bad seed around. We appreciate it.
So are all your body parts fully functional? (not that it matters much since most women don’t find crotchety a great turn-on) But in the interests of science, I want to know if and when it all went to pot (so to speak).
Oh yeah, and one more thing. . . how come you’re emanating from Mindfield’s username? Is he channeling you or has he been taken over?
And, uh, not to be too TMI or anything (and assuming you can still get it on) when you come, is it dust?
Oh man! Just the mental image. Gah! :eek:
Nope. Pure unadulterated manly spooge. Just ask yer ma.
Nobody had any Gray Poupon.
Don’t thank me, I just didn’t want any more damn kids. Now I use a condom.
Hell yeah. Just ask Starving Artist’s ma.
I caught him on my damn lawn. Now he does my bidding 'til he’s paid off his debt to my goddamn dignity.
Any truth to the rumor that you’ll be geriatric Harrison Ford’s stunt double in the new “Indiana Jones 4” movie?
I tried; but she was laughing so hard, it was hard to understand anything she said.
OK, good. Don’t keep him too long or the warpedness (it’s a word) may rub off on him.
What does the term Heinz 57 have to do with dogs?
He begged me, don’t think he didn’t, but no matter how hard they tried they could not get me to wear a chin scar.
Damn. Gotta remember next time to make sure the French Tickler leaves with me.
He was broke when he came in. I take no responsibility for his condition upon leaving.
[/quote]
Ol’ Henry kept workin’ at the formula 'til he found one his dog didn’t puke back up. Just so happens it was the 57th one. Poor pooch was never the same afterwards, kept tryinna bite his anus, but the lack of vomit was the best endorsement he got so into production it went.
Okay. Asked ma. (Myopic, 89 years old, three teeth.) Says you didn’t want anything to do with that ‘newfangled’ Viagra. Says you came at her propped up with a popsicle stick splint and first-aid tape. Says it was like making love to Pinocchio.
Disclaimer: Any references to SA’s relatives are for entertainment purposes only (i.e., to show that Cranky Old Malcontent has good reason to be) and are in no way representative of fact.
I call “fake.”
I asked an actual old geezer and was told that this was an old saying that was used in “the good ol’ days” when people meant mutt. They called them Heinz 57 dogs referring to the idea that there were 57 varieties of breeds in them.
A real 118 year old would know that. Or have you been living in a cave?
I add this disclaimer to my posts as well.
Dear COM:
Do you remember either
- the Alamo
- the Black Hole of Calcutta
- the Maine
- the Lusitania
- Pearl Harbor?
Just like her, that is. Neglected to mention her myopia caused her to try and mount the broom. “Over here, y’old bat!” I told her. “Mine ain’t that small!”
Ye kin call the damn Pope if’n ya like, it ain’t gonna help ya none. Think ya know it all, don’tcha. Just where’d ya think they got the term from? Ol’ Henry Heinz and his ass-bitin’ sauce, that’s where! 'Cept’n people didn’t know where he really got the name from, so they’d just assumed he just grabbed 57 random things from his trash bin, blended 'em all up and called it sauce. ‘Fore ya know it the term’s bein’ used for anything whose ingredients or origins are unknown but probably suspect.
1. the Alamo - Cowboys, Injuns, and bad beer. Worst five bucks I ever spent.
2. the Black Hole of Calcutta - The hoosegow or the hooker?
3. the Maine - The Pain in Spain Falls Plainly on The Maine! That’s why you never accept cigars from strange Cubans.
4. the Lusitania - S’whactha git fer sailin’ limey ships inna Nazi waters!
5. Pearl Harbor? - Agin, the place or the hooker?