Ask the criminal mastermind about to take over the world

You guys are into welcoming new overlords, right? Because I’d really hate to have to vaporize the SDMB with my 1920’s style “death ray”.

I used to be a fairly typical criminal genius. You know, robbing Fort Knox, holding tabloid stars hostage, infecting the entire Internet with the DEVOUR virus (yes, that was me)- that sort of thing. But the long arm of the law is getting to be a bit tiresome. These days, I can’t even steal the Mona Lisa without fifteen men in black following me around. So, naturally, the next logical step would be to create my own legal system, one that takes into account the most important factor- me. I suppose I could just take over one country, but I think that would really lack ambition. So I’m conquering the world.

I’ve got almost everything ready. My fire-breathing space lizards are all in place. My hypnotist is meeting with the President of Guatemala as we speak. I’m having some technical difficulties connecting the wires to Katy Perry’s scalp, but after inflicting “I Kissed A Girl And I Won’t Shut Up About I-I-I-I-t” on humanity, she doesn’t really deserve anesthesia. And my pet seamstress is finally finished with the new uniforms for my thugs. Er, henchmen. Henchpeople. I’ve heard that People In The Henching Profession have an even higher mortality rate than thugs (and let me tell ya, I go through the thugs quick enough), but no Evil Overlord worth her maniacal laughter would call her assorted minions “thugs”. There’s a thought: would minions last longer? I may have to think about this.

I’ve got to go find that guy who wrote the Evil Overlord List and make him my chief advisor. You guys can be my penultimate advisers, along with my obligatory Evil Cats. (Well, Evil Cat. Tikva’s more suited for sitting around being fluffy than rubbing her paws together and plotting. Mystery, on the other hand…) In my post-takeover world, everyone shall bring pie, and the streets will flow with bacon salt. Pet owners will be required to show pictures to anyone who asks, or face stiff penalties. (Kitten owners who won’t show get the chair). I will build a gold statue of Cecil Adams in what used to be Chicago, and residents will be made to bow to it every day.

Where was I? Oh, yes. I know the Dope loves “Ask The…” threads, so feel free to ask about my life of crime and the new world order.

Have you run this past Skald?

He’s on my “complications” list.

You remembered never to trust your vizier right? Because if you got the “almost finished taking over the world” info from him it may be time for a new one. If you got it from a mook you should be safe though!

Sigh. You’ll be like the… eight, no seventh criminal mastermind hellbent on conquering the world I’ve stopped so far. You see, I have a time machine. The moment you put your plan into motion, I’ll just pop back in time and kill your great grandfather. Why your great grandpa? In my experience, people from the olden times are less likely to see me coming.

Have you developed an antidote for my master evil virus of doom?? Cause if not, your reign is going to be short-lived.

Shakes head, adds Smeghead to the list.

You’re monologuing.

Not if I become my great grandpa first!

How is it possible for you to be so talented, sexy, strong, capable, AND able to take over the world?

I have foresworn all ambitions of world conquest. I am focusing my energies on Renaissance poetry, the study of pigeons, and the extinguishing of Wales and everyone from Wales, except of course for Duffy and anyone Duffy likes as she is not to be caused even psychic damage.

Just don’t go hanging up the Mission Accomplished banner until you have well and truly taken over.

Hey, do you have a gun moll/ sex kitten/ “poor deluded girl” yet? Cause I can do that!

I promise to secretly fall for the hero the moment your henchminions drag him through the door of your underground lair, all tied up and defiant.

I understand that it will be my duty to sneak down to the cell where you are holding the hero (so he can witness your glorious victory before his certain demise) and whisper a furtive plan of action; then run off prematurely in response to your call before (or just after) I can answer the hero when he asks me why I’m doing this. If I do answer, it will be something wry and poignant that will reveal me as a Nice Girl Who Has Lost Her Way, and now has got in over her head.

When the time arrives for the fiendishly clever and inevitably time-consuming torturous death of the hero, I will betray you at the last minute and run to save him. I understand that I will either:

  1. Be successful in freeing the hero, but die in the process, or

  2. Fail to free the hero, and wind up tied alongside him on the platform over the vat of acid or liquid nitrogen or whatever. The hero will go through hell and high water to save me; and then, ironically enough, deliver me into the hands of the police and ultimately to prison where he will never, ever come visit me.

Oh, wait, you’re a girl. Never mind.

When you take over can I have Australia?

What’s the market like nowadays for lairs? You do have one, don’t you? All the best criminal minds have one, whether it’s undersea, underground, or in space. Where is yours?

Do you have to bring in your own scientific equipment, or does it come with the lair? Or do you lease it from, oh, I don’t know, Evil Science Things R Us? How much does a hero-sized vat of liquid nitrogen cost? Is an escape pod included, or is it an optional extra?

Need any work done? Between the Iron Wolves and the Silent Ravens, my group can get *anything *done. As Master of the Pack and Flock, I feel that I should inform you of the existence of my organization, and all that we can you help with.

You see, we are actually two shady mercenary organization in one; the Iron Wolves are warriors dedicated to assault and defense operations, trained in crushing the enemy, and the Silent Ravens are spies and saboteurs who specialize in getting in and out before the enemy realizes that something is wrong. Whatever your needs, be they subterfuge or outright war, we can be of assistance. For a price.

As a Mastermind/Overlord you probably get offers like this all the time. I assure you that, while my organization charges more than most,we are well worth the price. After all, Captain Justice hired us to in a defensive role against the Nagresh invasion, and we did not stop untill the invaders were ankle deep in alien ichor, head first. After we were hired by Overmaster Angerfist, the Hall of Heroes was nothing but a smoking ruin. Of course, Angerfist betrayed us, deciding not to pay, and if you wish to speak to him, it can be arranged… I have his rotting head on a pike in my trophy hall. There he joins the illustrious company of Holy Roller, Sargent Murder, Radiation Man, Lord Deathcall, and Mister Indesructible*, as well as others who have been our targets, or incurred out wrath.

One last reminder: You are not the only one who can hire us. The Wolves and Ravens always survive the fight, while the same cannot be said of our foes.

::Vanishes, having teleported back to his throne room aboard the WRS Unfathamable::

*Note: Mr. Indestructible is not dead, but has been cut into nine pieces. While his head resides in Regallag’s Trophy Hall (in perpetual agony), the other eight pieces have been encased in metal and spread all across Earth, and beyond.

I am amused. The last one of these threads was the very first thread I read here (that wasn’t a mafia thread) as a lurker, and it’s what convinced me to stick around on these boards.

So good job on continueing that tradition, as I Loved that thread, but can’t for the sake of me recall anything about it, except that it created its own runoff thread for heroes to stop the evil villian and it went back and forth and in the end, something happened.

Ah… good times.
AH! I think it was called Henchman wanted?

Who started that one? Did he take over the world? There were bees involved.
Can I join HIS team?
Who’s got the better health insurance?

Can I be the quizzical that constantly asks questions without really expanded the plot further but still gets to speak up all the time?

I want Hawai’i. If Hawai’i has to be destroyed as part of the plan, then I want Vancouver Island.

Also, what am I supposed to do with Mr. Indestructible’s metal encased torso? It’s totally cluttering up the place.

So what kind of outfit are you going to wear when you’re crowned Evil Overlord? Is it something black, form fitting and latex-y, or are you going to go for the cleavage-heaving Space Silver? Also, remember NO CAPES!

If you still need a lair, I know a guy who’s selling his skull volcano island/vacation home. Times are tough and he needs the money to pay off gambling debts. I’ve seen it, it’s nice. All hardwood floors throughout, updated kitchens, and an acid pit with an unnecessarily slow winching system above it. The acid pit room has all kinds of rainbow colors painted on the walls and ceiling.

Uhm, if you don’t want Katy Perry, I’ll take her as long as I get Zooey Deshandel as well.