You guys are into welcoming new overlords, right? Because I’d really hate to have to vaporize the SDMB with my 1920’s style “death ray”.
I used to be a fairly typical criminal genius. You know, robbing Fort Knox, holding tabloid stars hostage, infecting the entire Internet with the DEVOUR virus (yes, that was me)- that sort of thing. But the long arm of the law is getting to be a bit tiresome. These days, I can’t even steal the Mona Lisa without fifteen men in black following me around. So, naturally, the next logical step would be to create my own legal system, one that takes into account the most important factor- me. I suppose I could just take over one country, but I think that would really lack ambition. So I’m conquering the world.
I’ve got almost everything ready. My fire-breathing space lizards are all in place. My hypnotist is meeting with the President of Guatemala as we speak. I’m having some technical difficulties connecting the wires to Katy Perry’s scalp, but after inflicting “I Kissed A Girl And I Won’t Shut Up About I-I-I-I-t” on humanity, she doesn’t really deserve anesthesia. And my pet seamstress is finally finished with the new uniforms for my thugs. Er, henchmen. Henchpeople. I’ve heard that People In The Henching Profession have an even higher mortality rate than thugs (and let me tell ya, I go through the thugs quick enough), but no Evil Overlord worth her maniacal laughter would call her assorted minions “thugs”. There’s a thought: would minions last longer? I may have to think about this.
I’ve got to go find that guy who wrote the Evil Overlord List and make him my chief advisor. You guys can be my penultimate advisers, along with my obligatory Evil Cats. (Well, Evil Cat. Tikva’s more suited for sitting around being fluffy than rubbing her paws together and plotting. Mystery, on the other hand…) In my post-takeover world, everyone shall bring pie, and the streets will flow with bacon salt. Pet owners will be required to show pictures to anyone who asks, or face stiff penalties. (Kitten owners who won’t show get the chair). I will build a gold statue of Cecil Adams in what used to be Chicago, and residents will be made to bow to it every day.
Where was I? Oh, yes. I know the Dope loves “Ask The…” threads, so feel free to ask about my life of crime and the new world order.