I would say pretty rarely - I’m only there once a week for the most part but I read all the logs. IME the vast majority of calls are either from other agencies calling on behalf of someone, or a primary call from a female/adult victim.
Then again, this is the YWCA (Young Womens Christian Association) so I think that men, or people in same-sex relationships, would probably (hopefully) have other numbers they’d call first. We have a huge list of numbers and resources, so we try to redirect people we can’t help immediately to someone that can help.
Are there ever times when you have lost sympathy for the victim? Like, you’ve helped them out numerous times, or know about them and they’ve always gone back to the guy.
Not me personally - but that happens. and since space is so limited someone who is a repeatedly uses the services without really effecting change in her life might be denied a bed if there’s someone else waiting.
That’s nice of you! I imagine it changes from shelter to shelter…the food bank and a couple of grocery stores keep the kitchen pretty well supplied here - although junk food is always welcome! Baby items for sure - baby wipes, diapers, that sort of thing along with toys and clothes for older kids…there are 32 beds at this shelter and sometimes there are more kids than adults.
Towels, sheets, blankets, underwear and socks. Personal care items like shampoo, lotion, soap, tampax. The Flint Roller Derby Girls team were kind enough to let us set up a booth at all their games in 2011. Anyone who brought in towels as a donation got entered into a raffle for season tickets, jackets and t-shirts. Seems we go through towels quickly.
Probably the best way to determine what a particular shelter needs is to call them up. I don’t have experience with any except this YWCA but they rely 100% on donations and some of the larger annual donors have cut back their donations in the last few years with the awful economy. The paid staff are not paid much at all, and they’ve had to let some people go since I’ve been there because there wasn’t enough in the budget to pay them. They rely on volunteers like me, and interns from the local colleges and University of Flint who need to rack up hours for their degrees.
It seems to be the case that staff screen clients based on believability. E.g if she claims that her husband hit her but has no evidence, she might be turned away. Have there been any/many instances of conflict over whether or not a person is abused based on what definition of “abuse” should be used (i.e. not over the sufficiency of the evidence, but on whether or not the act that the “abusive” person committed is legally recognized as a form of abuse)? E.g. “I’m sorry, according to the Michigan Supreme Court case McCain v Stephenson, one spouse criticizing the other’s religion and threatening them with eternal hellfire does not legally constitute abuse under Michigan law because it falls under freedom of speech and religion. If he actually hits you or makes a temporal threat involving consequences during mortal life, then call us. Sorry. <click>”
What kind of training do they give you? Also, on a more personal note based on a recent conversation with a friend, would you be concerned if a woman told you that her significant other punched a hole in the wall while they were arguing?
We don’t actively “screen” callers for believability, no. And there’s no threshold of evidence that has to be presented. Abuse doesn’t have to be physically violent - it includes stalking, controlling or isolating the victim, or persistent vebal abuse - if it’s enough to make the woman fear for her safety (or her children’s safety) enough to look for a safe place to stay, then it’s abuse.
That said…some people know that the safe house is a much nicer place to stay than the homeless shelters and will call claiming they’re abused, hoping to get in. In my experience, it’s fairly easy to pick up on that. The caller might be vague about details, or one way or another let it slip that they’re homeless, not in an abusive relationship. Or they are admitted, and then it becomes clear that she has other issues. One woman I recall (I didn’t admit her and don’t know her backstory) was clearly mentally ill, she had problems nobody at the Y could deal with. They found her a place at some sort of institution where she could get psychiatric help. Another was “exited” (kicked out) when staff found out she was seeing her alleged abuser; I think drugs were involved. (There is a zero-tolerance policy about drug and alcohol use.)
I would say that the vast majority of women are there legitimately, and most work hard to get their lives together and move on.
Three weeks of training - two weekday nights and three 8-hour Saturday classes. It was quite extensive - covered definitions of abuse, the effects of DV on children, legal issues and remedies, profiles of abusers, racial and sexual identity and oppression, lots of discussion of myths and misunderstanding of domestic violence.
Whether someone punched a hole in a wall during an argument would not in itself be worrisome to me; it would depend on if there was a pattern of anger or control in the relationship, I think. A single instance of losing it in an otherwise stable relationship…that can happen and doesn’t necessarily indicate abuse or violence.
If I was concerned about whether someone was in an abusive relationship (and I’ve been in that position more than once) I would definitely encourage that person to be open about it, and to get help when ready. Many women (or men) are ashamed and secretive about abuse happening in their relationship and it’s hard for them to be open about it.
Having been there, done that, I can say that many people in an abusive relationship have no idea they’re in an abusive relationship. They’re not ashamed and secretive, they just honestly don’t know until something happens and they gain a perspective on it that they didn’t previously have.
It’s like the fable of the boiling frog. Few abusers start out with beatings from day one. Rather there’s a slow decline into control and abuse that’s nearly imperceptible when you’re in the center of it. Then one day you look around and think, “Is it hot in here? How did it get so hot in here?”
First… Totally awesome of you and your work… I’ve worked in law enforcement for over 15 yrs and the stories… the stories and the kids… jeesh…
Once when i was a caseworker (Foodstamps and medicaid) i had an issue because we needed an address for the stamps… and the lady was in a shelter… i pretty much had to speak to someone on the phone and get my boss to vouch for it… that opened my eyes quite a bit…
And 2) I have a couple of cell phones… i heard they can be useful to DV shelters… are they?? Shall I call up and offer… or is their a procedure or third party??
About what proportion of your workers/volunteers have actually experienced domestic violence in some way in the past as a victim or perpetrator? How often do people who have escaped from domestic violence or renounced their own violent acts come back to help others currently in it?
I have been told (yeah, I know that’s not a good source…) that professional drug counselors are a mix of former addicts as well as people who have never dealt with drug abuse personally.
That makes a lot of sense, actually. From what I’ve learned a lot of victims go through a phase that’s either denial or thinking that controlling/abusive behaviour is a sign the person loves them a lot, or blames themself, or…well I suppose there are a whole lot of emotions that come into play, depending on the situation or the person.
Thanks for that perspective, and I am glad you’re writing about it in the past tense!
We have a standard response when someone calls looking for a resident. Even if it’s a police officer and XYZ Police Dept comes up on the caller ID. “I cannot confirm nor deny whether that person is here, but if you leave a message callback number and she IS here, we’ll make sure she gets it.”
Repeat as necessary - people can be quite stubborn, or it might be a person’s mom or brother but…we won’t tell. We will however relay the message if the person is indeed a current resident.
Yes cell phones are handy! We keep them for 911 phones for anyone who needs it.
Yes I HATE turning someone away, especially if they sound very frightened, upset, or in danger. We try to get people to call police if warranted (although not every woman is willing to do that - she may have a warrant out on her or something), we hand out numbers to other shelters, try to get them into shelters out of the county, give them other hotline numbers. Also we encourage people to call daily, because someone might leave unexpectedly.
But the sad fact is, homeless or DV, there simply isn’t enough space for everyone who needs it. First thing I do when I show up is check the board to see if we have any beds…usually we don’t though.
I’m not sure exactly what proportion - but I know at least three women who are survivors on staff there. At least one of whom used the services there, before deciding to “give back” later. I mostly work an early-part of the day shift, so there are staff and other volunteers there I’ve never met, or have only met briefly.
I suspect that you’d probably find a higher percentage of people who’ve been in a DV situation working on volunteering in that capacity, for sure. I have also heard the same as you in regards to drug and alcohol counselors.
For the record, I’ve never been in a DV situation (nor have I been a perpetrator.)
For me, I knew going in that he had some anger issues. I actually thought that was a good thing, as it helped me realize that my extreme aversion to confrontation wasn’t all that productive. So at first I actually enjoyed our fights; I enjoyed the realization that we could fight and make up again. I viewed them as evidence that I was “being assertive” and standing up for myself - and I was, for the first time ever, so it was a good thing.
10 years later, I was walking on eggshells, not going out with my friends and trying to hush my children so they wouldn’t set him off. No one was ever hit, but his temper made our lives miserable nonetheless, and he was definitely using the threat of losing his temper - and the assertion that I was undesirable to anyone else - to control my actions.
If I’d seen what was going on from the outside, I would have called it emotional/psychological abuse years earlier. But because it grew so gradually, I didn’t see it from the inside. It wasn’t denial - I knew he had anger issues that made me feel bad - it was unawareness that the anger issues had progressed to abusive behaviors. If he had acted in year one like he acted in year 10, there would have been no question, I’d have dumped his ass like a hot potato!
And, while I never blame the abused for their abuse, and that includes myself, there was just a sick, broken dynamic there. He’s like a different person with his current girlfriend - a much healthier, not-so-angry person. It’s very nice, since we have a daughter to raise together.
Heh. Interesting to see that I’m not quite as enlightened as I thought I was. My first thought, on seeing this, was that I’d be tremendously embarrassed to ask for help of this sort. I’m a young, straight guy - I rather feel like I should be able to protect myself from anyone I’d be dating, without needing help.
I think a lot of men think that way. And even more people think men do/should feel that way. I suspect (although do not have data) that beds for male victims of domestic abuse are even harder to find than beds for women. Which is why I asked the question.
Baby items for sure - baby wipes, diapers, that sort of thing along with toys and clothes for older kids…there are 32 beds at this shelter and sometimes there are more kids than adults.