Ask the domestic violence safe house worker.

[chiroptera]

@Mr.Excellent

Heh. Interesting to see that I’m not quite as enlightened as I thought I was. My first thought, on seeing this, was that I’d be tremendously embarrassed to ask for help of this sort. I’m a young, straight guy - I rather feel like I should be able to protect myself from anyone I’d be dating, without needing help.

Silly, of course. But still.

Well, as WhyNot’s post makes clear, domestic violence/abuse doesn’t always mean physical violence…repeated threats of violence, or stalking, or controlling behaviour can all define an abusive relationship. I’d say any behaviour by one person that has another person in fear for all or most of the time, and unable to safely get away**, would qualify. A tactic employed by some abusers is threats of harm or death to the person’s loved ones, family or children, if the abused person doesn’t comply.

**I could probably dig up cites if you want them…but everything I’ve been told and much of what I’ve read suggests that the abused is at most risk when actually leaving the abuser, or shortly after leaving. Which is one reason security at the safe house is taken very seriously.

I also have a hard time inagining that I could get caught up in an abusive relationship - but again as WhyNot points out, it can be an insidious process. I think another misconception (one that I used to have) is that abused women tend to be shy and lack confidence. I’ve had two friends over the years who finally got away from violent relationships and both were confident, capable women. And many of the women at the safe house sure don’t come across as shrinking violets for sure!

[chiroptera]

@WhyNot

Me too!

For me, I knew going in that he had some anger issues. I actually thought that was a good thing, as it helped me realize that my extreme aversion to confrontation wasn’t all that productive. So at first I actually enjoyed our fights; I enjoyed the realization that we could fight and make up again. I viewed them as evidence that I was “being assertive” and standing up for myself - and I was, for the first time ever, so it was a good thing.

10 years later, I was walking on eggshells, not going out with my friends and trying to hush my children so they wouldn’t set him off. No one was ever hit, but his temper made our lives miserable nonetheless, and he was definitely using the threat of losing his temper - and the assertion that I was undesirable to anyone else - to control my actions.

If I’d seen what was going on from the outside, I would have called it emotional/psychological abuse years earlier. But because it grew so gradually, I didn’t see it from the inside. It wasn’t denial - I knew he had anger issues that made me feel bad - it was unawareness that the anger issues had progressed to abusive behaviors. If he had acted in year one like he acted in year 10, there would have been no question, I’d have dumped his ass like a hot potato!

And, while I never blame the abused for their abuse, and that includes myself, there was just a sick, broken dynamic there. He’s like a different person with his current girlfriend - a much healthier, not-so-angry person. It’s very nice, since we have a daughter to raise together.

Thank you for sharing that - I think you’ve illustrated why even smart, savvy women get into that position!

Interesting that he’s making it work better with someone else; I’m sure there are all sorts of complex interplays that create the situation.

[Bad_News_Baboon]

I once volunteered at a women’s shelter. I helped play with the children, etc. I found that the majority of the children had serious problems. The boys tended to be hyper violent. One boy literally threw a basketball in another’s face for no reason. Drawings included graphic detail, often sexual. There was racism and homophobia in their words. It was shocking to me and very sad.
Do you notice this as well? Is help given?
As far as I knew, they counseled the children while they were there but once they were gone, I don’t know.
In the cases I saw, many of the mothers were not attentive to their children and often the groups of children would “feed” off each other. It was very sad.

[WhyNot]

@chiroptera

Interesting that he’s making it work better with someone else; I’m sure there are all sorts of complex interplays that create the situation.

Indeed. And it’s very, very hard to talk about without someone accusing you of “blaming the victim”, even if you are the victim.

[Sailboat]

What do people do about their pets when they go to the safe house?

Fairfax County, VA, has a program allowing people to surrender their pets into official custody when they decide to leave the abuser, because apparently it’s very typical to use harm (or the threat of harm) to pets to try to control the victims. The Fairfax program keeps the pets safe until the situation is resolved legally, and it is hoped this will encourage more people to leave abusive situations.

If your locale doesn’t have such a program, you could suggest it.

I found out about the program because I participate with my dog in the K-9 Krawl 5k, a police-sponsored walk to raise awareness. [note – that’s a police link, none of the pictures are actually of me or my dog].

2011 was the 5th year they’ve held it. My little pit bull was in the very first one before she was a year old, and has thrown herself heart and soul into all five. It’s not a race, but she drags me around the course and usually comes in first (or among the first few). She’s a rescue, and might have been abused herself before we got her (we’ll never know for sure, but she was starving when found). She’s a big fan of domestic tranquility and would thank you for your volunteerism if she could!

[lorene]

@Bad_News_Baboon

I once volunteered at a women’s shelter. I helped play with the children, etc. I found that the majority of the children had serious problems. The boys tended to be hyper violent. One boy literally threw a basketball in another’s face for no reason. Drawings included graphic detail, often sexual. There was racism and homophobia in their words. It was shocking to me and very sad.
Do you notice this as well? Is help given?
As far as I knew, they counseled the children while they were there but once they were gone, I don’t know.
In the cases I saw, many of the mothers were not attentive to their children and often the groups of children would “feed” off each other. It was very sad.

I actually used to be that Mental Health Counselor—not at the same shelter as the OP, of course. I didn’t work for the shelter but for a mental health clinic. In my case, we were lucky that many times families got housing within a reasonable distance, so services for the kids could continue. There was definitely a real need even once housing was secured.

[chiroptera]

@Bad_News_Baboon

I once volunteered at a women’s shelter. I helped play with the children, etc. I found that the majority of the children had serious problems. The boys tended to be hyper violent. One boy literally threw a basketball in another’s face for no reason. Drawings included graphic detail, often sexual. There was racism and homophobia in their words. It was shocking to me and very sad.
Do you notice this as well? Is help given?
As far as I knew, they counseled the children while they were there but once they were gone, I don’t know.
In the cases I saw, many of the mothers were not attentive to their children and often the groups of children would “feed” off each other. It was very sad.

I’m not really qualified enough to give an educated opinion on the effects on children (besides what I’ve read, which jibes with your observations.) I don’t have kids and have had no specialized training in dealing with them. Although I enjoy them and am “good with kids”, and it’s one of the more fun parts of this gig for me. But I don’t spend a majority of my time there interacting with the children - although I do often - today I was answering the phone with a toddler on my hip for much of the morning, and had another absolute charmer of a little 4-year-old boy as my constant shadow.

I have noticed kids acting out, being verbally or physically bossy, yes. Or really withdrawn. But I don’t know how much of that is just being normal kids (or normal to those particular children), and how much of it as a result of having a violent or chaotic home life?

I also think that many of the littler kids seem very needy and clingy. And some of the “older brother” boys are very chivalrous and, in a sense, protective…I have wondered if they have tried to take on the role of protector.

There are child advocates who spend time doing various structured things with the children in the afternoons and early evenings, but I’m not usually there at that time. There are parenting classes and groups, both within the facility and offered by churches and other organizations - none mandatory, but moms are definitely encouraged to attend. Many of the services are offered to women/moms, whether they are current or past residents. Whether the moms take advantage of these services, I don’t know. Sometimes the saddest part to me is the children - bright, curious, emotional little beings with the deck stacked so high against them I wonder how they’ll turn out.

Some moms are overwhelmed and the staff sometimes has to remind them to mind their children. Some have a lot of challenges going on, and have lost custody, or have ongoing involvement with CPS (child protective services.) I probably don’t see a truly representative slice of DV victims - honestly, most who contact this shelter and use the services don’t have a lot of resources. Little or no education, few or no job skills, no strong family support. Not all, but many. Most of the moms seem to be very committed to providing a safe place for their kids, though.

I have not seen any evidence of racsim or homophobia, no. In kids or adults. Slightly more than half of the residents are black (reflecting the demographics of the city) and while this is a somewhat racially divided area, it seems to me that when push comes to shove, people work together and drop any bigoted BS they might harbor.

[chiroptera]

@WhyNot

Indeed. And it’s very, very hard to talk about without someone accusing you of “blaming the victim”, even if you are the victim.

I bet! That’s a very, very common reaction, I’m sure.

[chiroptera]

@Sailboat

What do people do about their pets when they go to the safe house?

Fairfax County, VA, has a program allowing people to surrender their pets into official custody when they decide to leave the abuser, because apparently it’s very typical to use harm (or the threat of harm) to pets to try to control the victims. The Fairfax program keeps the pets safe until the situation is resolved legally, and it is hoped this will encourage more people to leave abusive situations.

If your locale doesn’t have such a program, you could suggest it.

I found out about the program because I participate with my dog in the K-9 Krawl 5k, a police-sponsored walk to raise awareness. [note – that’s a police link, none of the pictures are actually of me or my dog].

2011 was the 5th year they’ve held it. My little pit bull was in the very first one before she was a year old, and has thrown herself heart and soul into all five. It’s not a race, but she drags me around the course and usually comes in first (or among the first few). She’s a rescue, and might have been abused herself before we got her (we’ll never know for sure, but she was starving when found). She’s a big fan of domestic tranquility and would thank you for your volunteerism if she could!

Aww, good for you and your dog! A previous Rottweiler of mine was a therapy dog. And I love pibbles (pit bulls.)

Honestly this has not come up in my time there - this area is woefully broke (Animal Control is about to be shut down due to lack of funds, putting even more pressure on rescues and neighboring counties). So broke that they’ve just been put under the control of an Emergency Financial Manager. But I think that the Humane Society would make an effort to help if they could, and there are a lot of grassroots rescues who would step up to the plate if asked and if able.

I think (hope) that there are enough kind people and animal-lovers in the community that if someone were to be faced with relinquishing a pet, people would step up and help.

[chiroptera]

@lorene

I actually used to be that Mental Health Counselor—not at the same shelter as the OP, of course. I didn’t work for the shelter but for a mental health clinic. In my case, we were lucky that many times families got housing within a reasonable distance, so services for the kids could continue. There was definitely a real need even once housing was secured.

Yes, for sure - I wasn’t aware of how many grass-roots, small organizations there were aroubnd here until I started volunteering! There are a LOT. One of the functions of any shelter is to put people in need together with organizations that can help…the aim is typically to empower the person in need to be independent and move forward on their own terms.