This seems to be a subject that no one talks about and I’m sure people have questions. The other message boards geared toward fertility issues couldn’t answer my questions.
First, a little background.
My husband and I have been trying for 9 years. We’ve had two miscarriages, two years apart. I’ve had one surgery and been on treatment. The problem is on my end.
In two months we will be taking the next step.
Anyone have any questions?
I will be going out for the day, but I’ll answer any questions I can later in the day and tomorrow.
Have you considered/looked into/gone through with adoption? Why choose expensive and physically dangerous fertility treatments to have a genetic child?
Do you ever wonder if you weren’t “meant” to have genetic descendants? Answers from any perspective you like would be welcome: religious, evolutionary, genetic defect possibilities, etc.
I hope this doesn’t sound judgmental, it really is a question (or series of questions). My husband is very anti-adoption, for reasons I don’t fully understand, where I don’t think it would matter at all whose DNA someone has, I’d mother the whole world if it’d let me.
My SIL has been going through fertility stuff for years, since they decided at 41 (!) to try for their first. She has had many miscarriages, one healthy term birth, and now more miscarriages to try to have a second. She’s now 47, and they’re still trying. Frankly, I think it’s…not the decision I would make, and I don’t understand this need they have. They can well afford it, so it’s not that, I just don’t get why they don’t adopt if they want another baby so badly, and do it soon so they can settle down and enjoy parenthood before they’re too old to do it. Their answer (filtered through my husband - I would never presume to ask unless one opened oneself up to questions like you did starting this thread, but my BIL confides in my husband sometimes) is that they want a child “of their own”. I find this a very unsatisfying answer!
How many children are you open to having at once? If you get pregnant with multiples, will you have a reduction, or carry them all through to term? Have you and your husband planned to stop trying after a certain amount of unsuccessful treatments?
Good luck. I hope everything works out.
I’m not LadyVenom, but lots of people don’t believe that they would be able to love an adopted child as much as a bio child. Plus, you’re sort of giving your kid to someone else for nine months, without being able to control what happens to it. Of course, things can go wrong in any pregnancy, but you can never know if the birthmom is eating right, taking/not taking things she should, etc.
The next step is called SuperOvulation/Intrauterine insemination (SuperOv/IUI). It’s one step down from invitro.
Basically, I take injectable medication to trigger ovulation, which is no more than 3-5 eggs, and they inseminate me with my husbands sperm.
We haven’t considered adoption yet because, to us, we’re not at that point yet.
The SuperOv/IUI isn’t expensive. It’s $750 per round here in Canada, with all of the ultrasounds and insemination covered by our health care. My health care plan through work covers the meds, so I would actually be getting 80% of the med costs back. What isn’t covered is the “washing” of the sperm.
As for multiples, there is a 80% chance of fraternal twins, and only a 1% chance or so of any other multiples.
I don’t think we’ll go for invitro. Too many risks.
At times, when I’m feeling particularily let down, I feel that for some reason I’m not meant to have a baby. I’m not against adoption, I’m just not there yet. If and when we are there, then we’ll consider it.
It’s really hard for me to explain, but, after having two miscarriages caused by a large, undiagnosed fibroid, I feel that I will have a baby. It might sound strange, but I not only want to be a Mom, but I want to be pregnant and bring a life in to the world that is a part of me, my husband, my grandfather, grandmother, father…everyone that I love.
Multiples scare me, of course. Triplets would be my threshold, but I haven’t really thought about reduction yet. The treatment that we’re planning doesn’t produce a lot of multiples. Mostly twins.
Since we’re just starting the process of going beyond oral fertility meds, we have given ourselves 3 attempts through the SuperOvIUI. We’ll see after those three what our hearts tell us.
I’m unfamiliar with the term “reduction”. From context, it sounds like aborting one or more multiples so that there is just one fetus in the womb. Is that it and, if so, how does it work?
FWIW, I’m not looking to get into a moral debate about abortion, I genuinely have never heard this term before.
Reduction is aborting one or more multiple, but not necessarily leaving only one fetus. Most reductions are done in extreme multiple pregnancies, usually leaving two or three.
We did about a year of infertility treatment - getting as far as fertility shots and AIS/w husband’s sperm. Never caught. The fertility shots made me a bitch on wheels, so we backed off and went the adoption route.
My sister has two little boys via in-vitro. Both “caught” on her first attempt, though she used a clinic that offered a guarentee (she would have been out the medication, but they would have refunded the fertility costs).
My cousin has been infertile for years and finds being childless to be really painful, but has religious concerns around in-vitro and does not want to adopt. While I do understand deciding that “hey, children aren’t any great shakes, we will just enjoy our money and our neices and nephews” I don’t get her attitude - which is to wallow in the unfortunate hand she has been dealt that leaves her childless, but she will not consider adoption. In the end, you need to decide if its the breeding part of being a parent that is more important that the parenting part.
I got a bit bitchy with the oral meds (Serophene), but it was the hot flashes!! Ugh. I’m expecting worse with the shot.
The times I find my fertility issue especially painful is when someone announces a pregnancy. Of course I’m happy for them, but it stings. Right now I’ve got 3 friends and one co-worker’s wife who are expecting. When one of my best friends (whom I work with) told me she was pregnant (on the patch no less) I was happy for her. When she told one of our salesmen who we assist in our boardroom, he shut the door and asked how I felt. Shocked me!
I’ve been struggling with the breeding/parenting thing. I want to be a parent. But, I also want to have a baby. Like I posted earlier, having a child who is a part of all the people I love is very important to me, but if it’s not meant to be, then we will consider adoption.
That was when we got off the fertility roller coaster and onto the adoption train. It seemed EVERYONE was getting pregnant around us effortlessly - and every single time it was painful. The last straw was when a 40 year old friend announced. We started making phonecalls to agencies within a week. And the next time someone announced - the pain was gone.
We also struggled with the breeding/parenting thing - for a long time we thought we’d remain childless if we couldn’t conceive. Childless isn’t bad - lots of money, go on vacation where you want, a much cleaner house. Eventually, though, we realized that we wanted to parent and that was overriding. As it turned out, we are the kernal of truth to the “all you need to do is adopt” myth and we have a bio daughter just a year younger than our adopted son, so we have our own workshop going in nature vs. nurture. In my experience, nature drives you nuts - because yes, she has my nose, but she also has Brainiac4’s stubborness and my emotional instability. They get the things you love about your loved ones - and they get the things you hate about yourself. With my son, he is him - he isn’t carrying the baggage of my own predispositions.
Regarding being out of control for nine months - in some odd ways you have more control with adoption. We could turn down a referral for a special needs child - of course, there is always the chance something could turn up later. We have lots of friends who adopted kids - two in addition to us who are running their own nature/nurture labs, and the kids are all healthy, normal kids - most of them smart as a whip. The one special needs kid among my friends is a bio child whose delivery went horribly wrong. I have friends who are both really intellegent together people - she’s one of those Type A people who controlled every moment of her pregnancy and they spent a long time making an adoption decision because of the control issues. Their bio son has dyslexia. Their adoptive daughter doesnt’ (both the kids are smart, healthy kids).
Thank you for being so open and candid. I’m glad to see that adoption isn’t out forever, just not being considered yet. I do wish you all the luck in the world and hope you get to experience being pregnant, and I sense you’ll be a great parent no matter how your kids get to you.
I’ve been pregnant, twice. I lost the first at 12 weeks and the second at 10. I feel like something isn’t finished, if that makes any sense. Maybe that’s why I have such a drive to be pregnant.
No councelling session, but a huge questionairre. I did have councelling after my first miscarriage because I was so blindsided. The thought never even entered my mind when I first got pregnant that I wouldn’t be going home with a baby.
I almost expected it with the second. Then again, if I had known that I had a baseball sized fibroid in my uterus, we wouldn’t have been trying!
It makes total sense, and thank you for pointing it out. I had one healthy term baby very long ago, and one more recently that was c-sectioned at 23 weeks (knockwood, she’s healthy). “They” say that a healthy baby is all that matters, but to be honest, I deeply regret not having the opportunity to “finish” that second pregnancy and delivering her myself.
I hadn’t considered that the pregnancy itself as an experience is (a) goal of IVF, not just the baby. So thank you again for giving me new insight. It makes sense that some people might want to try it before adoption.
Because the genetic child is YOUR child, and no one can take that child away from you.
I realize the experience I’ve recently had is not usual, but it is a consideration, at least for us, for the rest of our lives. We had a newborn boy placed with us for adoption. Two months later, because of the agency’s screwups, he was taken away. It is far and away the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
DNA has never been a consideration for Mr. Stuff and me. However, the phrase “of our own” now has new meaning. A child that was actually born to us could not be removed from our home, unless abuse was proven. Which it would not be, because it wouldn’t happen.
We stopped infertility treatments very early, after trying only minimal and non-invasive procedures. We are seriously considering going back to the doctors. No guarantees there, but there aren’t guarantees anywhere, as we found out.
StuffLikeThatThere, I deeply respect you as a poster, and I’m so dreadfully sorry for what they put you through. I remember your thread at the time, and it was just heartbreaking. No one deserves that, and you have my utmost sympathy.
But no one deserves a baby or child who dies, either, and it happens. It happens probably more frequently than agency screw-ups and reversed adoptions. Kidnappings happen, too, where a possibly still living child is taken away and you never know what happens to them. Neither IVF nor adoption guarantees you a child forever.
It’s the DNA part that I just don’t get, that’s all.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. This was a big factor in our decision to go International and to choose a program with a good reputation for placing children as promised. No guarentees there, though, either - unfortunately. People have gotten caught in political changes or red tape and never brought their child home - but post placement disruptions are less likely (however, newborns are almost unknown in International circles - there is give and take in everything). Disrupted adoptions are very, very painful and you have my deepest sympathies.
Good luck with whatever route you do choose.
