Ask the Gay Guy III!

Great Debates
1

{This thread is a continuation of the original “Ask the Gay Guy!” and “Ask the Gay Guy II!” threads.}

Time for another housewarming! Response continues from the original two Gay Guy threads, so here we are at part 3. For the sake of continuity, I’ll re-post the original premise here:

As there seems to be more than just a little misinformation out there, both subtle and gross, about homosexuality, this thread is here to function along the lines of “Homosexuality 101: Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Homosexuality But Were Afraid To Ask.”

Essentially, if you have a question regarding homosexuality (i.e., “Why are people gay?” “What does top/bottom mean?” “What’s your phone number?” ;)), post it here, and I and several of my gay male cohorts here on the SDMB (you know who you are) will post our personal experiences and knowledge on the subject. No, none of us are “experts” on homosexuality, but we do know what it’s like to be gay, so between our personal experiences and factual data we can cite, it seems to be useful for some people to even have one gay person’s point of view. (Personally I used to do these things in sociology, social work, etc. classes in college - basically it was, “Hi, I’m gay - any questions?” and people would write down questions and a bunch of us would answer them. We called them MTQ’s [Meet The Queers].)

Fortunately, we have also been blessed with even more diverse points of view on this board. First, we have several lesbians (and you know who you are) who have been willing to share their experiences and knowledge with us. Then, we have several bisexual men and women (and you know… never mind!) who have also been kind enough to impart us with their wisdom. (And please, if you have any bisexual-specific questions, pop over to Chef Troy’s “Ask the closeted bisexual guy!” thread and post them there!) Alas, to date there have been no self-identified transgendered folk here, but if questions are asked, we will answer to the best of our abilities, seek others who could answer more directly from a personal perspective, or cite from other sources on the topic.

Fortunately everyone has adhered to a few simple rules, which I’d like to see continue:

[ul][li]No flaming (other users, that is); that’s what the Pit is for.[/li][li]No religious debates; there are adequate other threads in GD for that.[/li][li]No civil rights debates; there are adequate other threads in GD for that, too.[/li][li]Opinions should be expressed in a non-abusive way (at least try not to be offensive, and assume what you’re reading isn’t intended that way, either).[/li][li]If you are expressing an opinion, do not state it as fact, unless you have the cites to back it up.[/ul][/li]
So let’s open up the floor once again… any questions?

Esprix

{I will be posting a page-by-page summation of Part II when I have the time.}

2

Maybe you can help me out. I am “officiating” a lesbian wedding this Saturday, for some very good friends. I wrote their vows and the whole ceremony and such. They have said that what I wrote is fantastic and that I shouldn’t be surprised if many of their gay and lesbian friends who attend the wedding ask me about doing a ceremony for them.

This was a one-shot deal, that I agreed to do for someone I love and know very well. I have no intention of ever doing it again and I am now concerned that I WILL be asked by people I don’t know to do it for them. Apparently, in my city, there is a shortage of people who are willing to “officiate” such a ceremony, which is a big reason my friends asked me to do it in the first place. Also, while I have no objections to doing this for my good friends, I am not a champion of the gay movement, or whatever you want to call it. I don’t have anything against homosexuality, obviously (or I wouldn’t be doing this at all) but I do feel it’s a MYOB issue and I am not interested in becoming a part of this issue. (Or is it too late?)

Anyway, how do I respond if people inquire about me doing this again? If my planned, “Sorry, I don’t do this for a living.” response doesn’t work, how do I not be offensive in telling people to bug off and leave me alone? Or am I needlessly worrying about this? (Sorry if this is a stupid question. Fact is, much as I love my two friends, they’re pretty much the only gay people I know. I’m completely comfortable with them, but I have never really spent any time with any other gay people. Plus, I’m nervous.)

3

Sunshine-

You could politely say that it’s something you only feel comfortable doing for your friends, and that you did it at their request because you care for them so much. That sounds reasonable enough.

4

Since I was not around in the heyday of Gay Guy I/II, I would like to express my willingness to answer any questions pertaining to being a lesbian Christian of the teenaged variety.

My question for the moment, though, is primarily aimed at fellow gay/bi/ect dopers. What do you guys think the function of gay pride is? Does it seem that if being gay is not a choice, having pride in something that you didn’t have anything to do with is strange?

I’m not proud of being gay, I am gay. I’m not ashamed of it either- it’s just a part of me. I didn’t choose this, work towards it, or get sucked into it, so there are times when I question the purpose of pride. I know that it’s great to have those “I’m gay, you’re gay, everyone is gay and it’s good, rainbow rainbow lah lah lah” moments… but what is there beyond that?

5

The purpose of pride parades is not to twirl around in a Chanel gown and frighten the horses; they are instead meant as a way of saying, “I’m gay, it’s good, these are my friends, they’re good folks, and we can hold our heads up in the sunshine just like everbody else.”

Andygirl, I love that you have such a matter of fact idea of being gay as just another segment of the human rainbow. I wish everyone did. But seeing gay folk as ordinary is a very new concept. Until 1969, gay people had to hide, even in big cities. There were NO openly gay men or lesbians. Gay bars were sleazy dives where gay folk could gather surreptitiously. If a gay person were ever “outed”, it meant instant disgrace.
In the 1950s, Harry Hay and others founded groups like The Mattachine Society that advocated homosexual civil rights, but they were on the fringe of American subculture and went unheard until June 1969, when police raided The Stonewall Inn, a Greenwich Village gay bar. Instead of submitting
meekly to anti-gay catcalls and harrassment from the cops, the gay men fought back, throwing bricks and rioting. Since then , gay pride marches have been held in June to commemmorate the Stonewall riot and the birth of gay folk standing up for themselves.
To quote from the musical, “La Cage Aux Folles,”

6

Sunshine said:

and

and

and

I suggest you put in for a new user name :wink:

Just say you’re all booked up. No fuss, no muss!

7

Ok,

I got one. How can y’all possible find a dude more attractive than a chic. While there some “decent” looking guys they just don’t compare to a girl. They(women) are softer than us, usually smell better, less hairy, more empathetic and have more fun things to have fun with than a guy has to be blunt. I know this is probably just my opinion as a hetrosexual but I really can’t even see how women find even find us guys attractive other than if they didn’t the earth probably wouldn’t be very populated.

Second question. Why is that some homosexual men seem manly and others seem kind of feminine?

8

Wildest Bill, why do you find attractive the people that you do?

I fell in love with a person. She happened to be a girl. Every person has their own idea of what is attractive (sometimes against any logic whatsoever, but that’s a whole different rant…). I’m happier with quietgirl than I’ve ever been, and she attracts me more than anyone else. I’m not gay, I’m quietgirlsexual… anyway. The point is that people fall in love with people- not entire genders. If I fell for a boy, I might date him. Conversely, I would rather go chaste than date Brittney Spears.

As for the second question: For the same reason that some straight men are “manly” and others “feminine”. Or, for that matter, anyone of any sexual orientation: People are who they are, and some are more naturally feminine or are more comfortable with expressing femininity, while others prefer the masculine. Orientation has little to do with it.

9

That’s your opinion, and it’s what makes you a flaming heterosexual. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

It’s all a matter of what you find attractive. Some people don’t want soft. And for the record, I’ve met some gals that make John Wayne look like Shirley Temple.

Sure, if you like that kind of thing. Some men are attracted to a maculine scent. Don’t ask me why, they just are.

And this is a bonus how exactly?

I wouldn’t say that. A guy has fun things to play with, they’re just in different places than on a woman. Some people like the ferris wheel, others like the merry-go-round.

I think the catch-all answer to your question is that it’s just a (maybe not so) simple matter of preference. If this answer does not help you understand, it should at least confirm your suspicion that you opinion as a heterosexual is different from the opinion of a homosexual.

10

While I appreciate women aesthetically(I may be gay, but I ain’t blind), women don’t give me the erotic charge men do.
A well-muscled man feels good, a hairy chest is wonderful to touch, and the sweat of a man fresh from the gym is a powerful aphrodisiac for me. Why? Who knows?
Women don’t have more fun areas; they just have different ones. A woman could lick your armpits, it feels very ticklish at first, but it’s quite a turn-on. She could lick you chest and gently bite your nipples, and someone else can tell you about the pleasures of rimming. Every part of the body is an erogenous zone if you approach it with a touch of imagination(and some baby oil :wink: )

What Andygirl said.

11

Wildest Bill wrote:

How can you possibly find chocolate ice cream better to eat than vanilla? While there is some “decent” tasting chocolate ice cream, it just doesn’t compare to vanilla. Vanilla ice cream is lighter in color than chocolate, usually smells better, is less messy, more subtle, and doesn’t have that awful chocolatey taste, to be blunt.

12

Opus, Andygirl and Goboy,

Thanks for answering and I see your point on feminine characteristics answer. But I still don’t get the first question but like you say it is a matter of preference.

Next question have any of y’all ever been with a women and if yes is the answer did it make you feel weird?

13

Yes, I have had sex with women back in my early 20’s when I was resisting my homosexuality. Did it feel “weird”? Not weird, but it did feel not right for me. I could perform the mechanics, but the spark that ignites the engine was absent.
My first time with a man, and the engine went **ZOOOM **!

14

LOL! Well, when you put it THAT way, I’m a real barrel of laughs! I didn’t mean to sound like that, really! I AM full of goodness and light and general kindheartedness towards EVERYBODY! Really, I am! :slight_smile:

15

Wildest Bill: if I may ask, why is it so important to you to get an understandable (for lack of a better word) answer to your first question? I ask this in all seriousness, because in your other recent thread asking if gay men could be “turned” straight by a woman, you seemed to be searching for an answer to this same question, more or less.

I’m not criticizing. I’m just noticing that the answers you have been getting from us (here and elsewhere) don’t seem to answer the question for you satisfactorily, and was wondering why that is.

16

Here’s one:

I’ve had very erotic dreams about women before. No big whoop to me, but I recall a straight girl friend of mine once was telling she had dreamt she was kissing a woman. She was freaked because she considered herself very straight and couldn’t figure out where the dream was coming from. (This reminds me of the Ally and Will& Grace episodes where something along those lines happens.)

Anyhoo, have any of you gay boys had erotic heterosexual dreams? Or even, have any heterosexual men had homosexual dreams?

17

mjh2,

Man I don’t know dude. I just have a hard time understanding it I guess because chicks are so dang good looking. Is that bad of me to not understand? I mean put it this way if I was a girl I would probably be gay.

18

I don’t dream very often–or at least if I do–I don’t remember them very often. but I do remember dreaming about girls before. That was kinda weird.

Actually–for me, my sexual identity evolved rather strangely.

When I was about 11–I had a strong interest in girls only.
But then when I was about 12–I began to realize that I had a latent interest in boys that I’d -hoped- would go away.

Over the course of a year or two after that–my interest in girls began to wane completely and was replaced by boys.

I never really -was- comfortable around girls. For some reason, the thought of being close to one intimately made me really nervous and shaky. I feel a lot better when I’m around big, friendly, huggable males. :slight_smile:

-Ashley

19

WB: Well, no, it’s not bad of you. I understand what you’re saying. But surely you’ve had differences of opinion with your straight friends about whether a particular woman was attractive? Where you’ve ended up saying, “Man, how can you say that she’s not? Look at her!”

Gay men finding men attractive rather than women is the same thing – a difference in degree only, not kind. Keep in mind that I don’t find all men attractive, just as you probably don’t find all woman attractive. We (that is, you and I) will look at some people and say: sure, s/he’s OK, but s/he just doesn’t have “it”. That doesn’t mean we can’t see what the other person sees; it just doesn’t reach out and grab each of us the same way.

Basically, WB, the answer is “just because”. There really is no way to answer it better than that. But I think your insistence (on a personal level) – that you find women so attractive that you can’t understand why someone couldn’t – might be perceived as an insistence that there is something “wrong” with a man who doesn’t find women sexually attractive. I don’t feel this way about what you’ve said, but others might take it differently. Just be warned.

Let me ask you: given that you do not find men sexually attractive yourself, can you look at a man whom women find “attractive” and understand what it is they see? Maybe your answer is “no”; fair enough. But then what if I replied: how can you not see that this particular man here is quite the hunk? That’s a hard sort of question to answer in any way besides, “I don’t know, I just don’t.”

20

nothing compares to vanilla? Why thanks tracer.

I have a question: When did you first realize you were gay?
How did you realize it?

thank you very much.