Ask the Gay Guy IV!

{This thread is a continuation of the original “Ask the Gay Guy!”, “Ask the Gay Guy II!” and "Ask the Gay Guy III! threads.}

Time for yet another housewarming! Response continues (albeit sporadically) from the original Gay Guy threads, and part III was getting too long to maintain, so here we are at part IV. For the sake of continuity, I’ll re-post the original premise here:

As there continues to seem to be more than just a little misinformation out there, both subtle and gross, about homosexuality, this thread is here to function along the lines of “Homosexuality 101: Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Homosexuality But Were Afraid To Ask.”

Essentially, if you have any question regarding homosexuality or related issues (i.e., “Why are people gay?”, “What does top/bottom mean?”, “What’s your phone number?” ;), etc.), post it here, and I and several of my gay male cohorts here on the SDMB (you know who you are) will post our personal experiences and knowledge on the subject. No, none of us are “experts” on homosexuality, but we do know what it’s like to be gay, so between our personal experiences and factual data we can cite, it seems to be useful for some people to even have one gay person’s point of view. (Personally I used to do these things in sociology, social work, etc. classes in college - basically it was, “Hi, I’m gay - any questions?” and people would write down questions and a bunch of us would answer them. We called them MTQ’s [Meet The Queers].)

Fortunately, we have also been blessed with even more diverse points of view on this board. First, we have several lesbians (and you know who you are) who have been willing to share their experiences and knowledge with us. Then, we have several bisexual men and women (and you know… never mind!) who have also been kind enough to impart us with their wisdom. (And please, if you have any bisexual-specific questions, pop over to Chef Troy’s “Ask the closeted bisexual guy!” thread and feel free to post them there.) We even have Asmodean’s “Ask the Transgendered Person” thread to handle questions in the area of gender identity.

Fortunately everyone has adhered to a few simple rules, which I’d like to see continue:

[ul][li]No flaming (other users, that is); that’s what the Pit is for.[/li][li]No religious debates; there are adequate other threads in GD for that.[/li][li]No civil rights debates; there are adequate other threads in GD for that, too.[/li][li]Opinions should be expressed in a non-abusive way (at least try not to be offensive, and assume what you’re reading isn’t intended that way, either).[/li][li]If you are expressing an opinion, do not state it as fact, unless you have the cites to back it up.[/ul][/li]
I’ll recommend that if you do have a question you might want to first consider searching the other “AtGG” threads (either by reading through them [and note there is a summation of part I on the first page of part II] or using the “Search” function at the upper right-hand corner of this page) as we’ve already covered a lot of ground and your answer may already be waiting for you to find it, but any questions asked will either be answered or replied to with an appropriate link. (I’ll eventually do a page-by-page topics summation of the II & III threads here.)

So let’s open up the floor once again… any questions?

Esprix [sub](The Original One Trick Pony!™)[/sub]

Have you noticed a decrease in the general level of misinformation, or are you finding the same questions being asked in new ways?

An self-referential one to kick off: how has this been going for you Esprix? Given what you know of this MB, has what you’ve seen in these threads surprised you/ frightened you/ depressed you/ enlightened you? Your premise is (surprise!) an ignorance-fighting one – do you think you’re getting somewhere with this approach, or do you feel that most who really need to be engaged are either silent or end up wrestling for something disgusting in the Pit?

Dear Gay Guy,

My best friend of many years is a gay man; I am a bisexual woman. I have been in a mostly monogamous relationship for nine years, and he has only recently met the man of his dreams.

I am very happy for him and this is not a jealousy thing at all. In fact, for awhile, his dependency on me was becoming quite annoying…but…

His new beau is very charming and wonderful and whatnot and we get along famously. I suppose my question is this: why has my role in my best friend’s life been reduced to good-time-party-girlfriend instead of the meaningful compassion that we always shared? The only time we see each other now is when we very rarely go out and get sloshy, and even then the conversation stays away from the “why don’t we ever talk anymore?” realm and gravitates more towards the “so, don’t you just love anal sex?” arena.

I am seriously bored with this and I want my friend back. He and his new beau are past the required love-quarantine period of six months. What to do? I want to exercise extra understanding because they don’t have many folks in their lives who truly accept the gay thing, but patience is not one of my virtues.

-Ignored in Itawamba

Dear Sophie,
As one of Esprix’s gay co-horts, allow me to offer some ideas. Generally, I’ve seen this happen mostly in straight relationships, but it does happen with gay guys,too. Basically, you are being ignored right now because all of your friend’s needs are being met (for now) by his new man.
He is newly in love and utterly besotted with the inloveness of being in love. Eventually ,(although this six-month time limit is news to me), your friend will need to come up for air, or get dumped, and then he’ll realize how selfish he was to ignore you. Be forgiving when the time comes.

In the meantime, if you are seriously bored, why are you waiting for your friend to get out of bed? You have a relationship of your own, can’t you have meaningful conversation with him? You must have other friends to hang with. It’s up you to amuse yourself, even if your best friend is so busy rogering his new boy toy to hang with you.

There are lots of elements of personal style that are associated with gay folk. In your opinion is there a gay cuisine?

If there is, what’s on the menu?


Esprix…Congrats on IV? Have you ever considered editing all these thread together and putting a book out?

I’m curious: why " :rolleyes: "? There are certainly cultural/social aspects to the various gay subcultures (the leather community has a particular clothing associated with it, to name an obvious example). Why would it be unreasonable to ask if there was a cuisine associated with it as well? The Beat Culture in the '50s is (to me at least) associated with expresso and coffee houses. Orthodox Jews have their own cuisine (someday I’ll detail the horror that is “Chullen” <barf> ).

While I doubt if there is a ‘gay’ or ‘gay-subculture’ cuisine, it doesn’t seem to me to be an unreasonable question to ask.


Hmmm… I think it would be funny, though wrong, to start a UL that gay cuisine is just like straight cuisine, except with more cilantro. It wouldn’t be hard to start mentioning to people “oh, you’re using cilantro, interesting…”. Perhaps it could be justified by making into a sociology experiment and seeing if sales of cilantro are affected. But if anyone ever got beat up in the spice aisle of the supermarket, I’d never be able to live with myself.

Crap, now I’ve gone and forgotten the question I came here to ask.

Well, I’ve got a few others I could toss out. First, how YOU doin’? Second, I’ve been noticing in movies that usually if a character is gay, it’s a major issue in the movie. In other words, it seems as if movies rarely portray homosexuality as a normal part of life. Really, I can only think of two movies with characters who happened to be gay, and it was just part of the movie (The Boondock Saints and Bring It On). The impression that I get is that like nudity or profanity, homosexuality is not something to be included gratuitiously.

Anyways, am I really off base here, or have other people noticed this? Am I overly sensitive to care about this percieved incorrectness? (It’s not like I’m writing letters to the studios, but sometimes I feel like performing some statistical analysis and seeing what the probability is that a collection of random people would be as consistently straight as is seen in movies)

Fenris, this might help :slight_smile:

waterj2 another non gratuitious gay (people) would be Babylon 5. So non gratutious I never even noticed it the first time I saw it. My opinion on it would be people too often put their own political agenda into stories ruining them.(though thats stories, not movies)

Who was gay in Babylon 5? I didn’t watch the show enough to notice aything. But that’s TV, where there have long been occasional gay characters, though often as more of comic relief.

waterj2 wrote:

Cmdr. Susan Ivanova and Talia Winters got it on off-screen just before Talia “snapped”. I think this was in the 3rd season. Later, in the episode where the new “Army of Light” uniforms became available, and all the main Earthforce characters turn in their old uniforms as a kind of personal sacrifice, Ivanova’s personal confession was “I think I loved Talia.”

Although considering that Ivanova was later open to the idea of “boffing” Marcus, she would be better classified as bi than gay.

What are your personal feelings towards bisexual men and women (this goes to both the Homosexuals and Lesbians)? Do you belive they are gay, but don’t want to ‘leap’ into homosexuality?

Also, what religion are you? (not asked as a debate, just curious)

My theory as I’ve experienced it:

I think this transcends sexual preference and goes into the realm of basic human nature. Many people that I have known have severely curtailed the time that they spend with their friends when they have a relationship, especially after they move in together. I know I see a lot less of my friends who have relationships, and many of them see a lot less of me because I have one.

How being gay affects it, or can:

I’ve seen a lot of gay men who when they get a significant other, turn completely self-absorbed. They get smug and complacent because as they never thought they would have a relationship, now that they have one, they think it will never end. They forget that friendships need attention, and they will let them wither and at times die. Then the type of gay man I am discussing, which is not ALL gay men, will wonder why the friends they abandoned aren’t really up for dealing with them when they become single again.

This is my experience, YMMV.

Correct me if I am wrong, but don’t all our posts on here become property of the Chicago Reader?


Bolding mine.


… so Esprix could publish his own posts, but not the questions that lead to them, nor the answers given by the other gay folk.

Hmm. That would make for one confused book…


Not to worry… nobody’s going to get beat up in the spice aisle, because cilantro is a fresh herb that’s sold in the produce department. :smiley:

I have a question or rather, I would like your comments.
I was tellinbg my friend Phillip (who is gay) that on this board some gay menhad mentioned that maybe once, they had found a female attractive (I meantioned Sophia here)
and he said "Sorry, if they’ve been aroused by Any woman ever, they are not gay then they are bisexual. I think not!
Can you explain to him here whats wrong with his odd idea?