This is very insightful. I’m really glad you admitted this. Because I totally get that.
For a long time after my accident, and occasionally to this day, I get a little shock when I unexpectedly pass a full-length mirror in a restaurant or store. It’s like “Whoa. Is that what I really look like to other people?” Being in the chair every day, and not being able to feel my body beneath me, I sometimes forget that I look different: The chair itself is an almost-300 pound beast, but my body is also clearly not functional, even to the casual observer. My legs are abnormally thin, a strap across my chest holds me upright, and my slender arms and hands lie unnaturally still on molded armrests at my sides. It’s intimidating, and scary-looking, and just not normal. As much as I want people to treat me like I’m just a typical woman, and even with my pretty, usually-smiling face, I know it’s hard to overcome that initial perception of me as a half-robot, rolling tragedy.
And I guess that’s what I’d love to get across to you and everybody else reading this: I get it. People in chairs get it. I know there’s a moment when you meet me when you’re not sure what to say, what words and questions are appropriate or not. Unless I’m having an uncharacteristically sh*tty day, I want you to have a successful interaction with me just as much as you do. And *I will help make that happen *in whatever way I can. Plus, if you’re reading this, you’ve likely already read much of this thread, meaning you’ve already gotten your curiosity out of the way (how I pee! that I can have sex! and enjoy it!), discovered that you and I have a lot in common, and you can just have a normal conversation with me. And if a person in a chair is going to make you feel like an idiot for making an innocent mistake (I mean, who does that?), then maybe it’s just that that particular person isn’t very cool, and in that case you could have run into them as an AB and still felt awkward and judged.
Disagree. The best defense is to get educated. And to be fair, the possibility of making an asshat of yourself is a risk in any human interaction. It might be more probable when speaking with anyone whose culture or background or physical abilities differ radically from your own, but I like to think that those interactions also contain the greatest chances for growth and learning and expanding your mind and heart.
Good to meet you! Man, all the wheelers are coming out of the woodwork. Nice!
Unfortunately, I have no good date ideas for you. Those are the same things I do–wah wah! The only twist I can think of off the top of my head are drive-in movies, which are retro fun and good for making out.
Well, as long as you keep it in the Pac 12 (still not used to that) family. My dad and older brother went to Stanford, and another brother went to Cal. So in-conference is a-okay.
That laugh was probably the most worthwhile thing I’ve done today then, ha.
Not being able to wander around outdoors/walk in the woods would be the biggest thing I’d miss were I to become wheelchair bound, so I’d totally build myself a walker out of something like that. Of course, I’d install lasers and a bear defense machine gun as well most likely.
That’s kind of terrifying. What happens if that were to happen at night? do you have an emergency button of some sort near you when you sleep?
On a related note (ok, it’s related in my mind, by an admittedly weird series of connections) what is your mental “sense” of your body’s extent? Do you still feel that your legs and arms are part of you? or is everything you can’t feel perceived as a giant weight attached to you? Do you feel like a disembodied head and neck? (Aside from the occasional orgasm, and the breathing control) Do you still feel the emotional attachment to your limbs that an AB person would? i.e., if you found out you needed a foot or hand amputated for some reason, would you care much?
(and getting back around to what spurred this line of questioning in the first place)
Sorry in advance if this is a weird or disturbing question… If having toes pinched in a shoe could kill you, would you even consider proactively getting rid of them? Assuming that a doctor would agree to do it, would you be less susceptible to AD (and hence have a longer life expectancy) with your arms and legs removed?
Obviously it would really suck to make that choice and then see a headline a week later: “Spinal cord regrown fully with Stem-cells. Paralysis cured!” But is this something bizarre and out of the question, or is it more like, “well, I’m not using them now, but they might be good to keep around just in case” or more like, “hell no, those are part of me!”
Yeah, the more I look at what I just typed, the more weird and disturbing it looks to me, but hey, I’ve typed it, and already apologized. Might as well hit submit.
Have your sleep patterns changed at all from when you were AB? I know that on days when I don’t do as much physical activity, I’m not as tired at night, so I was curious about whether being in the chair during the day has had any impact there.
I realize this question isn’t directed towards me, but I dated a guy in a wheelchair, and I just wanted to share some of the stuff we did. A lot of it was the standard stuff you said but with a twist: like we had dinner but we made it into a picnic, or we went to a movie but it was an outdoor one where we sat on the lawn, or instead of a concert we went to a ballet. We went to the beach together, where he insisted on taking his own chair out on the sand rather than use the one provided (“Because I can’t be self-sufficient that way!”), we smoked hookah together, we had get-togethers at his place or my place (both of which were handicapped accessible). We also went swimming together on a regular basis, which was really cool because it wasn’t just sitting around, it was getting physical exercise. He had a pool table in his apartment and we kept meaning to play pool together, but never got around to it.
Also one more thing: I don’t know if you do this at all, but he said his wheelchair was a great way to get women. He said he used to go to the bar all the time, and use his chair as an excuse to talk to the women there. He would tell a girl that it was hard for him to maneuver his way to the bar, and would she mind getting him a drink? And while she’s at it, get one for herself, too. I think he also would use that as an excuse to talk to women at the grocery store sometimes, by asking them to hand him something on a higher shelf.
Haven’t seen this one asked yet, so: what are the mechanics of bathing/showering? Do you just roll right into the shower enclosure and shower while in the chair? I assume your carers have to bathe you - does that bother you at all? (I’m guessing that compared to their wiping your bum every other morning, it probably doesn’t bother you that much.) Afterwards, do they have to put you on the bed or somewhere while they dry off your chair before they put you back in it? I assume your chair is made of non-rusting alloys, but a wet chair would obviously be a problem for you in other ways, given the skin issues you’ve mentioned that go with being a quad.
Does that mean … no labor pains? :eek: Do you feel cramps or other discomfort during your period?
(It’s the Dope. Of course it’s going to get around to lady-talk eventually … )
Oh, hey - gonzoron? For whatever it’s worth, I didn’t think your question was weird or disturbing. It seems valid to me: “X is a liability and potential life-shortener. Should I get rid of X?”
ETA: wind of my soul, or anyone else really: is a handicap-accessible pool table different from a standard one? height or … something else I haven’t thought of?
Thanks for the fascinating thread. I have another question. How did the friends you had before the accident deal with your injury? I’ve heard people say that a dramatic injury shows you who your real friends are.
I am clearly paralyzed, and I explain what I can and cannot move, but security is always a fun time: it’s not uncommon to be asked to lift my arms, lean forward, “move my leg to the right,” etc. by the people checking my chair for bombs, who maybe just think I’m pulling off the terrorist world’s most convincing paralysis ruse?
Additional indignities include the airline staff sometimes insisting I be transferred–clumsily–to the aisle chair in the waiting area at the gate (as opposed to on the jetway, just before I enter the plane), in front of a staring audience of those who will be sharing my flight; the airline personnel speaking to whomever’s with me or to each other about how to lift me, instead of asking me (“How should we do this? Do we just grab her arms and pull her forward, or should I get behind her?”); and being told, upon landing, that it’s going to take 45 minutes to an hour to get my wheelchair to the gate, but this plane’s got a schedule to keep, so perhaps I don’t mind waiting in the aisle chair at the gate, strapped in like a mental patient?
I realize I sound like a whiny wally here, but it just sucks the life out of me to fly.
One issue with labor pains (or c-section for that matter): There was a show on Discovery Health, about a woman who was pregnant with twins. I think she was a paraplegic vs quadriplegic (she drove a car, anyway) - and they were very, very worried about that autonomic dysreflexia possibly kicking in as a result of the pain her body was trying to feel. As in, coulda killed her even though she was in the hospital, on the operating table, with a lot of medical people Right There.
I don’t know what steps they took to protect her - presumably making DAMN sure the epidural was working correctly (they don’t, always, as I know from personal experience).
Ahahaha! I admit I had to look up what that was, but from the Wikipedia description–“a powerful race bent on universal conquest and domination, utterly without pity, compassion or remorse…having had every emotion removed except hate, leaving them with a desire to purge the Universe of all non-Dalek life”–that sounds about right.
Apologies if I missed this answer in the thread, but since this happened during high school age, I’m wondering if the person or people who were your best friends at the time remained so. How did your school friends adjust after your accident?
And to be fair, the possibility of making an asshat of yourself is a risk in any human interaction. It might be more probable when speaking with anyone whose culture or background or physical abilities differ radically from your own, but I like to think that those interactions also contain the greatest chances for growth and learning and expanding your mind and heart. 
