One thing about taking this job – people will start dropping your name. “I was scared to Death,” they say. “I was at Death’s door.” “I was riding with Death.” Plus all those tourists who whip out their disposable cameras and want you to pose with their mothers-in-law. Most people who drop my name have no idea of the sensitive and caring person I really am. When Death has a bad day, do they really care? When I’m feeling a bit lonely or blue, are they there for me? Hah! Some days I wonder why in the heck I took this job. I can work an 80-hour week trying to Destroy a World, then I find out the boss’s email got the planet wrong. I have to go back and clean up their mess. Other weeks I try and try and the best I can do is maybe fracture an asteroid. I tell you, they better start treating me right or Death might take a real long holiday.
As for people seeing me – my favorite gag is to wait until someone says, “Over my dead body!” Then I jump out and say “surprise!”
Maybe you were afraid he’d get back to the corner of his tag-team partner – that real mean grasshopper who’s known for smacking people with folding chairs.
With the information you have divulged, a person of average intelligence should be able to break the Bible Code, decipher the kabbalah, and set up a really shrewd 401(k). This information was meant only for The Few.
FYI: I’ve heard your name being bandied about over at corporate. Not sure what it’s about – I’m usually out doing field work – but if I were you, I’d ix-nay on the elevations-ray.
(Thank God uncle’s shoes are really caiman. We’ll never have to re-butter the Smithsonian aardvark before the equinox.)
Dear Death tDoW,
What changes have you personally made in the department of deanimation since you took on the job? And how do you expect to reverse the recent terrible results fromCanada and the EU ?
I, just this moment, recieved a revelation from Marty Feldman (15.079Kz) that I was being probed (normally a good thing) by the RIAA at the same time I was running (cough, cough) “her” posts through my algorythmator.
It appears that any and all revalations suposedly derived from “those” posts are in fact snippets from from the yet to be released Milli Vanilli “breakout” album. I for one can’t wait.
This has never happened before. The RIAA, I mean. I talk to Marty all the time.
crawling on my belly like a reptile, (only slightly daunted)
bird (small b)
Are you omnipresent, or do you have others that help you out?
If so, what are the requirements to become an employee of yours?
and about the spider- I have to say in our defense that we were at work at the time, and while we may not be the best when it comes to bugs, we are pretty good at killing time.
Shhhhh. People shouldn’t know that information about Canada. I’ve taken the liberty of disabling that link. There are some things about Canada that man was not meant to know.
As for people living longer in Europe – longer, schmonger. Sooner or later, I get them.
Is there any truth to the rumors that you’re really just some leftover barbecued ribs from a feast of the gods? Is that why people talk about “looking like Death warmed over”?
I do not eat the flesh of animals. No animal has to die to feed me, and seldom dies to clothe me. However, my cats, and my dog, and sometimes even my fish eat meat, which I provide (with the help of Purina) in the form of tasty kibble.
My question: Am I responsible for the wholesale slaughter of various and sundry cows and horses?
And if so, does that make me a minion of Death by default?
And if so, do you know any good recipes for corn and rice that will make my cats and dogs salivate in anticipation of a tasty and satisfying but guilt-free meal?
And if not, would you mind stopping by my place twice daily to fill the pets’ food bowls with meaty goodness in order to keep the blood off my hands?