Yeah, I don’t understand that at all. When you look at me, what do you see? A big grin. I used to be known as the Grin Reaper. But somehow that turned into the Grim Reaper just because a bunch of fuddy-duddies got their noses all out of joint over dying.
I’m not grim at all. I’m very sociable. I’m really a people person. You have to be in this line of work. I like meeting the public. And I go that extra mile to make sure the job is done right. So why are people so down on me? I’m in customer service, not management.
What really gets me is when folks claim to have “a brush with death.” Shee-right. And then they say “God was looking out for me.” What morons. Hate to break it to you, but who do you think orders me to whack you in the first place?
Well, if more people had a “what, me worry” attitude, it would make my job a lot easier.
Hey, don’t call PETA. I’m Death. What did you expect me to say?
If I followed everthing they say on NPR, Death would be wearing a catsuit. That might make my work easier. I’d show up and announce, in a bass voice, “I am Death, the Destroyer of Worlds,” and people would die laughing.
It is, of course, the Man Upstairs. People are always so in awe of Him when they just catch a glimpse or read a bit about Him in People magazine. But let me tell you, the glamour runs out really fast when you work with Him day to day. You’d be surprised how stingy He is about giving overtime. Several times I’ve caught Him trying to change the hours on my time card. Cheap bastard.
I hope you will notice how respectful I am in this missive, giving you your full title instead of that rude initials stuff the cuckoo on the ropes just offered you. I also hope you’ve noticed how respectful if not grovelingly obeisant I’ve been in our communications so far.
I’m sure you’re far too intelligent to be taken in as to the source of any rumors about your amazing anatomy, especially when the one that keeps bringing up the subject is the one who dragged the “butt” thing into this conversation to begin with.
Anyway, just wanted to drop you a line before I move, leving no forwarding address.
Yours truly, EddyTeddyFreddy, Mistress* of the Eight Cats.
*See? Bird can’t even get my gender right, so how can you believe that featherbrain about where any rumors are coming from?
Ah! I rushed to post my riposte to bird’s droppings right after reading that cruel assault upon my integrity, before working my way to the end of this thread. My ankle-licking apologies, Death, for wasting the time of such an illustrious, intelligent, perceptive, incisive… ah… entity as you.
I feel used, terribly and cruelly used I tell you. I am proudly a Southern Gentleman and as such would never suspect that the words used in the jokes that have been making the rounds would, nay, could have escaped the lips of a member of that fair and gentle gender. I can only conclude that the one that can’t make up their mind what their name is is in all likelyhood a nefarious and accomplished shapeshifter. Her motivation remains a mystery but it may well have to do with my fondness for boiled peanuts.
Perhaps the situation could be de-fused or at least cooled off by your acceptance of the arrangements I have made for you. A three day and three night stay at the gorgeous, world famous Exurbia Biltmore Golf Club and Spa. Meals and drinks, served in your penthouse suite or the five star dining room are of course on me. As well, I have arranged a limosine and driver for your exclusive use. The driver is a longtime local resident and knows where everyone lives should you be inclined to “look someone up”. To prevent unauthorized use of the unlimited expense account I have established for you I have given the Hotel a code that will release the account to you. You only need say “Where does eddy live” and anything you desire will be charged to the account. Informationally, there is a “10% below dealer cost” sale on Porsches going on while you are there. Just say “Where does eddy live” and the model of your choice will be charged to the account.
I hope that it is clear to you that my fervent efforts to defend your honor and your , er…, well you know, left me open to the cruelest deception…a deception, for reasons I have explained, that would never have occured to me and one that you yourself may have fallen victim to. (ever see eddy? you might want to satisfy your curiousity.)
As an aside I want you to know that this whole distasteful episode has left me shaken to the core. My reverence of and faith in the purity of womanhood may never be completely restored. I shudder to recall some of the shapeshifters’ words (words that should have difficulty passing the lips of even the most depraved pirate that ever lived) and I want you to know without doubt that I am aware that a phone call from your right hip pocket to the left would not be “long distance.”
Your humble and loyal minion that lives nowhere near this “Washington” state you speak of, hoping that this is all “behind” us (no pun intended)
Bird (currently “on the road” I’ll write when I settle)
Ah, bird, my friend… perhaps you were unaware that the original Eddy, Teddy, and Freddy are MEGA-CATS OF DOOM???.
They’re also rather hungry right now. But I think they might leave behind enough for that master of macabre magnificence, Death, to collect.
And speaking of hall monitors – just who lobbied (unsuccessfully) for the position before a more competent candidate was found? And who bullied that fat kid for his lunch money? It’s no wonder a certain person has such a fixation on rotund posteriors that they’d rumormonge it every chance they get.
When you do your “work” can the person that you are doing in see you? If so, do you ever have fun with it? And what about these people who claim to be “scared to death” when they obviously haven’t been–what’s the deal there?
DEATH! I’VE FOUND IT! PROOF THAT EDDY HAS BEEN MAKING A FOOL OF US ALL!
Being nowhere near as clever as she has been to date she let slip (perhaps blinded by her eagerness for us to meet) in her last post the key to her evil plans.
Note that she called me, Bird, her “friend”. I am living proof that any simpleton can see that from “friend” you can also spell “fried”. Bird…fried…FRIED BIRD! and she has CATS! FRIED BIRD FOR HER CATS!
More amazing yet…
Even the most cursory examination of the times of her past posts has revealed that when the times are converted to decimal and then totalled they reflect exactly the 767 fuel usage figures in the central time zone for every month ending in r for the past three years! (in milli-liters) You may for a moment wonder what that has to do with anything until I remind you that I suspected her motive may be related to my fondness for boiled peanuts. Now get this…what’s the first thing you think of when someone says peanuts? Airplanes, of course! There is much more here than meets the eye, I can you betcha on that!
I intend to run every one of her posts through my algorythmator if it takes me all night. I believe revealing messages are hidden in them. Already (just 30 minutes into run number 1) there is a definite correlation to the 1956 california resivour capacities. I wouldn’t be surprised if before it’s all over I’m able to tell you exactly how many cars were washed in the western US on July 8th of every year for which there was a greater than average snowpack. (well, among other things of course)
I won’t be back until I have the whole truth and then you will see who your true friend is.
I’m off to find the truth! (my algorythmator is wireless so i’m still mobile here)
ps. I’m going to get to the “bottom” (no pun intended) of this if it’s the last thing i ever do. Er,…it won’t be the last thing, will it?
Ummmm… bird? Don’t you think it’s a bit… unwise to suggest, even obliquely, that Death, the Destroyer of Worlds, might ever be made a fool of?
(Pause for wide evil grin)
Ah, well… I might also point out that, to get “fried” from “friend” one must remove the “N”, which anyone with your, er, powers of rococo ratiocination must surely realize stands for the negative: no, not, nil, null, etc. Perhaps you harbor an unconscious wish to take that extracted “N”, logorrhea it to the null hypothesis, and ask Death for a personal demonstration of the theorem?
RE: Embedded (aka secret) Messages in EDDYTEDDYFREDDY
posts.
I will be the first to admit that the car wash deal didn’t hold up. It wasn’t until the third logrythmic harmonic iteration that my algorytmator began to put it all together. Her post times were a red herring but the word count was the blue heron. The key was 48.
In the interest of getting these findings to you as quickly as possible I am communicating only that information that appears relavent to establishing whether or not she can be trusted.
First I must give credit where credit is due. My codebreaking skills I owe to the public school system and particulary to my second grade teacher Hazel Ledbedder, without whom I would never have known that the original capital of Nebraska prohibited dressing livestock in non gender specific outfits while school was in session.
At this point please take a deep breath and sit down…it is not pretty. In this thread alone her posts reveal…
a dark penny opera.
her cats are really named instamatic, Evelyn L. Boyington (a widow) and “slot b”
She is on a first name basis with Baba Ram Das
You have a call on line 2
That was NOT fudge she sent you
Cooking times for various poultry
7, The score for “I Love a Parade” (including the stolen “paterfamilias”)
eleven
She corresponds regularly with Barry Manilow, Yanni and Zamfir, referring to herself in the pluperfect future tense while doing so.
Several Voodoo chants (zombie specific)
Incognito she reviews liver and onion recipies
She knows everything about your uncles’ alligator shoes (and I do mean EVERYTHING! She must be stopped)
13 She can develope polaroid film by sandwiching it between common voles
14 It appears she’s been sucking your brain
15 she sells personalized, monogramed, “theme” drool rags on EBay
16 she cannot get the phrase “You da butt” out of her head
17 a treatise on the health effects in fainting goats of dangling particples (in the original sanskrit)
18 she has a mole that seasonally migrates.
So, in a word, can she be trusted? It would appear that she has issues with current tax laws and is not at this time eligible for re-hire. You however must make up your own mind. The relevance of 16 cannot be understated however 6 is more than a little discomforting. I can forward the 767 fuel usage data if you think it would be helpful.