Ask the Naked Guy Who Is Wearing Clothes Right Now

Given that the weather is rapidly warming up here in the Northern Hemisphere; that people will soon be hitting the beach and/or pool; and that we tend to have a rash of nude beach related questions about this time each year, I’m going to post a couple of observations, suggestions, and thoughts about being naked around other people. I’m not an expert (I don’t know how you’d qualify), but I’ve been naked around probably thousands of people and have suffered no ill effects.

So, if you’re contemplating going to a nude beach or resort this summer (and you should, just once, for the experience if for nothing else), here’s a few suggestions:

  1. Let’s clear up something right off the bat - this isn’t a sexual experience. True, you are going to see people with no clothing, and that’s something you don’t tend to run into every day, but you come to realize pretty quickly that nudity in and of itself doesn’t mean that you’re in a sexual situation. In fact, the quickest way to be asked to leave a resort, or be shunned at a nude beach, is to start any sort of sexualized activity. There are exceptions to this general rule, but you’ll also recognize them pretty quickly should you find yourself in the situation.

  2. Its cool to be a little ill at ease at first. Just like everything else, there’s a first time for this, too. Once you realize that no one’s pointing at you, sniggering or smirking, and that, for the most part, people are paying you no mind at all, you’ll be fine. This realization should take all of about 3 minutes.

  3. No one cares what you look like (or, at least, they don’t care any more than they would if you had clothes on). Imagine yourself at a textile beach (one where people wear swimming suits). Notice how many different types, shapes, sized, colors, etc. that people come in. Now imagine them without clothing. That’s about how it works. I’ve seen women with single and double mastectomy scars, burn victims, models, bodybuilders, people with ostomy bags, amputees, grandmothers and their grandkids, families, people that were so stunningly gorgeous and hot that you had to shield your eyes, and people that were…well…not so stunningly gorgeous and hot but that still left you with the need to shield your eyes. I’ve shared my cooler with lots of these people, and they’ve always made me feel welcome.

  4. If you’re a single guy visiting a landed club (a resort that has its own property), call ahead to see if they have a singles policy. Some clubs have quotas on the number of single men they’ll admit per day, some clubs won’t admit single men at all. The policy is related to single men making nuisances of themselves (see #1 above). The issue is a hot button one in the nudist community. I, for one, feel that for a community that is supposed to be accepting and open-minded, that sort of policy is unwarranted. However, each facility is different and different rules apply at each. Call ahead and find out.

  5. Cameras, cell phones with camera capabilities, etc. are handled differently each place you go. If you want to be asked to leave (and possible get the living daylights kicked out of you), start taking pictures without asking permission. Your fellow guests are not there to model for you (and you don’t really want to have fish your expensive camera or phone out of the deep end of the pool, do you?).

  6. Always carry a towel with you to sit on. Always. That’s the first rule of naked courtesy. You’re walking along and someone recognizes you from work (has happened to me many, many times). They ask you to sit down and have a beer, or play some backgammon. You need to have a towel to sit on. Just plain, common courtesy.

  7. Wear sunscreen EVERYWHERE. A sunburn on your ass or genitals is no fun.

  8. Erections happen. It may have to do with that little rememberance you had of last night’s tryst you had with your wife or girlfriend, it may have to do with the sensual experience of feeling the sun and warmth on places that may not have been exposed to the sun before, it may be from the mental images you have of the redhead across the pool (he or she has a hat on and freckles - they always have a hat on and freckles). It’ll subside. If you’re embarassed, roll over or cover yourself with a towel. Don’t start masturbating - it wasn’t included in the day fee and you don’t want to work for free, do you?

  9. Prepare to be among very social folks. It may seem like a cliche, but it is hard to be around strangers when you’re naked. Expect for friends you haven’t met yet to come up and ask if you’d like to participate in the volleyball game, or play bocce’, or seen the latest movie, read this that or the other book. That being said, if you don’t feel like socializing, there are probably lots of places around where you can get away from activities (if you’re ever in WVA, the Avalon resort has some beautiful hiking trails and paths).

  10. Have fun. If you don’t like the experience, you don’t have to do it again. No biggie. Just another life experience that you can say you had.

Hope to see you on the beach or by the pool. I’m usually wearing a white Nike cap and RayBan aviator sunglasses. I’ve got a really bright yellow towel and a red cooler filled with beer, water, and snacks. I may be in a hotly contested backgammon game, so just wait 'til my turn is over before you introduce yourself.

Any questions?

I once did a “when in Rome” unveiling at a park in Munich. It was a beautiful day, and I got hot and sweaty, so I decided to jump into the little river that ran through the park.

The water was cold as hell.

The breeze didn’t help.

The shrinkage was severe.

Do you avoid water on these outings for reasons hilighted above? Was mine a rookie mistake?

Ah, English Park=)

Wonderful, isnt it? Also one of the largest open urban parks in Europe, IIRC=)

Did you go to the victualmarket? I have never seen so many choices for food…/drool

Nope. Don’t avoid the water. Shrinkage be damned!