“I think nothing human is foreign to me.” I wouldn’t put people into “us” and “them” camps, elbows. I think we’re all capable of things we’d be ashamed of, and confirming the ruination of an already-ruined marriage doesn’t register very high on that Richter scale.
I’m sorry if it sounded inflammatory, I wasn’t trying to be so.
And I wasn’t trying to be equivocate child molesting and raping with having an affair. I was just examining the ‘just don’t think about it’ part. It was the first parallel that came to mind, sorry. But those people do also compartmentalize their part in hurting others, that is how they sleep at night.
Again, sorry to have offended. I was simply trying to get to the part of it that doesn’t make sense to me. I’ll leave it alone now. Apologies.
Well, I am trying not to be offended by being lumped in with rapists and child molesters. 
I imagine that most people are motivated by what they will gain by doing whatever it is they want to do (good or bad). For instance, I hate to run, but I know I have to do it as part of my effort to keep healthy. The exercise is unpleasant for me, but the good (hopefully) outweighs the bad. I know that eating a whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s is not good for me, but the short-term pleasure is worth the pain of having to run an extra mile tomorrow.
I remember years ago hearing a class on Loss Prevention (retail theft), and the teacher said that there are three things that are necessary for someone to decide to steal: 1) they have to have a motivation/need; 2) they have to have a way/method to steal; and 3) they have to believe they will not be caught. If one of these three things is not present, then they will not steal.
I think you are referring to #3, that that reality just doesn’t occur to someone, or at least they think they won’t get caught. I’m sure the average criminal may have the motivation to steal, and can think of a way to accomplish it, and then does it because they expect to get away with it. I’m sure Bernie Madoff had the motivation of money to be had, and figured out a way to get it, and thought he would never go to jail, or else he wouldn’t have done it. I think that a child molester thinks about the damage he is doing to the child, but satisfying his own desire to molest is stronger than his feelings about how the child will be hurt. And when he is caught, he is sorry he got caught, not necessarily that he did it.
Perhaps the best example I can give is when my mother died. I was heartbroken over this, but eventually I had to go back to work, deal with my children, etc. I could not mourn for my mother 24 hours a day. That doesnt’ mean I didn’t still feel it, I still miss her every day and I still am rocked every time I realize all over again that I will never see her. But I have to put it out of my mind so I can function on a daily basis.
I never said I was any different from anyone else who transgresses. Just because I was/am weak does not mean I should be “separated” from the rest of society. Does weakness make someone worth less than another? I’m still a loving mom, a good friend, a valuable person; I am just not perfect. And I have learned from my mistakes, which I’m not so sure Mr. Madoff has.
I am not excusing my behavior or his, and I am not saying it made it right. I did not feel justified in what I was doing. It was wrong. I am just explaining how a normal person can find themselves in a situation like this, and the complications and problems associated with it.
Thank you for answering my questions with honesty and candor, DivineComedienne. I asked what I did because I was in your shoes once upon a time as the other woman. I’ve never forgiven myself and it still eats me alive to this day. I hope you give yourself permission to move on and heal.
You don’t really know what you are and aren’t capable of compartmentalizing away until you’re in a situation. You might think you know exactly what you’d think and do in a given situation, but you may find out you were wrong about what you’d do when you are actually in that situation.
I was in a situation sort of like this. I briefly dated a guy in college who I found out was married (he said separated, I didn’t really believe him).
I’ll tell you what was the worst thing about the whole situation. I very firmly believe that cheating on your spouse is never the right thing to do. But, when I found out that this guy was married, my first thought wasn’t to immediately break it off with him, as I always thought my first thought in such a situation would be. For a few minutes, I actually wanted to find a way to tell myself that it was OK to stay with him. I did end up dropping him over this and never speaking to him again (I’ve forgotten his last name by now). I felt bad for about 10 years because my immediate reaction to finding out my boyfriend was married wasn’t what I thought it should have been.
I felt bad for the next ten years, but eventually I was able to move on from it. I hope you are able to move on from it, and soon.
I don’t think you’re being honest with the posters here, or with yourself. To me, you haven’t really provided any insight into the reasons for your behaviour because you’re contradicting yourself all over the place. You didn’t think about his wife and family because they were his problem not yours, but they made you “ache inside”. You say you didn’t think you were a threat to his family, but then go on to say that it was an emotional affair which was more damaging to his relationship with his wife than just sex. Do you not see the inconsistencies?
And your argument that you were helping preserve his marriage by sleeping with him? Do you honestly believe that? Because it made me throw up in my mouth a little.
As much as you deny it, I think you’re most concerned in this thread about portraying yourself in the best possible light and less interested in actually looking at why you behaved the way you did.
Actually it seems like a pretty good insight into the psychology of ‘‘The Other Woman.’’ People going through conflict-ridden situations (whether they contributed or not) believe all kinds of contradicting things to protect their worldview. It’s human nature to cope by lying and rationalizing.
The OP gets that she was selfish. Maybe she’s protecting herself psychologically from the full implications of what she did, but I wouldn’t assume just because the explanations are contradictory it’s because she’s being intentionally dishonest. I’m sure this is the mind game people must play with themselves to keep their own sanity. ‘‘Of course the wife wasn’t my problem’’ allows her to displace responsibility, while ‘‘of course it tore my heart out’’ allows her to affirm she has empathy. I have no doubt both of these thoughts are very real and true. That’s how people cope with making bad choices.
Anyway, Divine, I think it takes guts to talk about something so heavily stigmatized. People do horrible things, but those same people can also do wonderful things, too – some mistakes are worse than others for sure. The pain you may have caused that woman in no way negates the love you’ve given your children, any more than the love you’ve given your children erased the pain you caused. I don’t think cheating is right and I think both partners bear the responsibility, but I also think infatuation and desperation makes people crazy and weak. So as long as you can own up to the fact that what you did was wrong and hurtful I really don’t see the point in punishing you for something you’ve no doubt punished yourself for a thousand times over.
nm
Just a couple of questions. And I might have missed the answers because I was skimming, so forgive me if these have been covered.
Did his wife ever find out? And what is the current state of his marriage?
Pretty sure I know the answer to this one already, but would you be the other woman again?
You’re right, it is contradictory. I think that is evidence of the conflicting emotions I went through, and evidence that it is not always the “he’s a pig, she’s a slut” knee-jerk reaction many people have. I said many times in my posts that I was not justifying what happened, I acknowledged many times that it was just plain wrong. I was just trying to explain how people can get into bad situations. I’m not concerned with painting myself in a positive light, I was interested in perhaps opening up a few people’s minds that things are not always as they seem from the outside. I hope that, perhaps, I opened your mind a little bit, and maybe you will not paint with such a broad brush.
No, that’s not what I said, or at least what I meant. He was going to do SOMETHING; believe it or not, many men (yes, kathmandu, even men you know and respect) go to hookers, go to strip clubs, pick up random women, cross-dress in secret, look at porn, etc. He was safe with me. I didn’t help his marriage, but I think he could have done a lot worse.
Thank you, Olivesmarch. You said it very well.
No, I don’t believe she ever found out. As far as I know, they are still married.
I didn’t think I would ever find myself as the OW in the first place. But experience is a great teacher; knowing how bad it was, how bad the memory continues to be (one of the previous posters mentioned how she was in a similar situation for a while and still beats herself up over it), I can say, no, it was not worth it in the long run; it was a mistake; I was lucky that more people were not hurt much worse as a result.
I don’t see how I painted with a broad brush. I commented on what you, one particular person, said in this particular thread. Just because I don’t buy the portrait you’re trying to paint doesn’t mean I’m closed minded.
Well it may not have been what you meant, but it is, in fact, what you said. Specifically, you said “I filled a hole in his life that helped him to continue to keep his family intact, I was like a crutch to him.”
And why, exactly, do you think I would be surprised that men do the things you’ve set out here? Just because I find your behaviour indefensible and your justifications unconvincing doesn’t mean I’m naive. I was a divorce lawyer, and have seen the gamut of weird and inexplicable behaviour. Some men behave badly and so do some women. He may have engaged in an affair with someone else if not with you. He may not have. He may have done something worse. That still doesn’t make what you did a service to his wife, acceptable or even morally neutral.
I didn’t come into this thread to comment on whether what you did was okay or not. Clearly it was not, and you’ve given lip service to the fact that it was not. But you started this thread ostensibly to discuss the hows and whys of what happened, and I don’t think you’re being honest about that.
I have never understood all of the ire for ‘the other woman’ . In my view, she has nothing to do with the issues of a marriage not being strong, or a man not being faithful.
Two people make vows to eachother. Before their own idea of god, their own friends and family. Then, one day, one of them decides to break those vows. How on earth is it some other woman’s responsibility keep that man on his path? She has her own moral compass; probably one that doesn’t involve promising to sleep with only one person for the rest of her life, or making vows before ‘god’ about her sex life.
Oh, and olivesmarch4th, I agree with your observations. It may not be that DivineComedienne is being intentionally dishonest. I don’t think that changes the fact that her explanations here are after the fact justifications, and might not give us much insight into why she did what she did at the time.
Thank you. I hope that happens too. 
I absolutely agree with you. I don’t think anyone here has said it was her responsibility to ensure he kept his vows. But we’re not talking about his culpability, we’re talking about hers. While she didn’t make vows to his wife, she behaved deceitfully and in a way that had the very real possibility of harming others, namely, a wife and her children.
Were my husband to sleep with another woman, I would blame only him. That doesn’t mean that I would think the other woman was a moral person.
I agree with this. I think the propensity to blame the other woman is probably derived from the wife’s desire, even in the face of hurt, to preserve her *own *worldview–that her husband loved her and was somehow trapped or ensnared into violating her trust.
Basically what I’m getting from the OP is, ‘‘I did it because I wanted companionship and I rationalized what I was doing to that end.’’ I can take that at face value. Maybe it would help provide more insight though if it were explained what happened, the circumstances surrounding first getting together, who approached who, what was said, how he rationalized it as well, etc.
Maybe, Divine, if you could paint a picture rather than just speak in a vague sense, it would help. Where were you at in your life? What was going on with him? How did the issue of cheating come up? What physical location were you in at the time? What did he say? What was your initial reaction? How long after cheating was suggested did it actually happen? Etc.
Did she help him hurt someone who has never done anything to her, knowingly and willfully? Why yes, she did indeed knowingly and willfully help hurt someone who had never hurt her. What’s her moral compass got to say about that?
No, she didn’t break his marriage vows. The guy who drove the getaway car didn’t rob the liquor store, either, but his ass is still going to jail. The idea that being involved in wrongdoing, even in a peripheral way, makes you partly responsible for that wrongdoing is well-established in the prevailing moral compass of our society, so being all surprised that people hold one partner in infidelity partly culpable for that infidelity strikes me as rather silly.
I find the phrase ‘helping to hurt’ hilarious in this context.
Is the wife ‘helping to hurt’ the other woman by standing in her way when the man and woman both want to cheat together? Of course not. People can’t be held responsible for ‘helping to hurt eachother’ emotionally because every one has their own idea about their own ‘hurt’. The bonds we make in matters of the heart are between eachother. A man and a woman make vows to eachother. The hell is up with, ‘helping to hurt’ another adult in their dealings with their own spouse. Nonsense.
ETA: There is a reason why the bond is between the man and the woman alone. They are the only ones that know the real story of what goes on in the marriage. This is why outsiders are not responsible for ‘helping to hurt’. That phrase sounds dumber and dumber every time I type it.