How do you prevent jealousy from being an issue?
I do find it emotionally fulfilling for my partners to have other partners. I suppose I might not feel that way towards one of them if she were otherwise-partnerless AND happy about that situation as well as being comfortable with me being poly, but it just feels better overall when there’s parity.
I don’t, however, have the sexual-thrill thing about it, you know, “omg, she’s about to go get laid with Jerome, I’m having all these fantasy images of that, that’s so hot”, and so on. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but that’s not really one of my things.
To a limited extent I’ve helped partners & vice versa in seeking further partners.
What’s more common, honestly, is for poly women who know each other to sort of pass aspiring guys around if the chemistry isn’t quite right for them to get emotionally involved but they still think he’s nice; and, although I myself am a bit peculiar among guys (poly guys included) and hence don’t tend to do that much myself, I think poly guys may also do referrals of that nature.
I am a person who almost never meets people (in the romantic sense) that way; I’ve always used personal ads, dating back to the newspaper-print personal ad days. So that’s also how I meet poly partners. I like OKCupid.
That’s a very astute and meaningful question. Poly people do not have to end a relationship in order to get involved with someone else, and this can mean that sometimes poly people hold onto a relationship but just gradually marginalize it, pretending to each other (or even just to themselves) that they’re still fully committed to it when in fact they’re disappointed in it and unhappy with the person and just don’t quite feel like taking that deep breath and putting the damn thing out of its misery.
(The relationship, not the partner)
In a less pathological sense, poly connections that have run their course can linger on as good solid friendships. Not limited to poly relationships (I’ve seen married couples divorce but stay close friends without bitterness) but I think it’s easier for us to do this, and it’s common.
I have no light to shed on that question. For me it’s like preventing cannibalism from being an issue. Years and years before I was actually involved with other poly people, a partner asked me how I’d like it if I came into the apartment to find her in bed with some other guy. I said that I’d apologize for interrupting them and explain that I didn’t know she had company. (I think I added that I’d call out as I was closing the door “You are SO changing those sheets!”)
Seriously, I don’t get the jealousy thing so it’s not there to need prevention. Hasn’t been a factor with any of my partners either. Closest has been a sense of not getting as much time with me as someone else does. But they don’t mind me being with the other women, they just want THEIR time & funs and stuff.
I missed this one, sorry, Muffin. In our case, we derive a great deal of joy from our partner’s joy. Seeing my husband happy makes me happy, so yeah, when he has a great relationship going, it gives me emotional fulfillment.
The sexual thing can be that way…moreso in a swing setting, but it can be like that for poly, too. We do sometimes discuss our sex lives with different partners, and that can spill into our own. Not always, though.
I don’t know if “help” is the right word…we will encourage each other to talk to someone they happen to find attractive, if it’s an appropriate setting to do so. We may introduce them to other poly people we’ve met but they haven’t, for instance, the spouses of people we may be dating that are also poly.
For us, jealousy sometimes is an issue. It’s almost never sexual, but often about time and attention. If that happens, we first acknowledge it…jealousy is just an emotion, and it’s no worse or better than any other…what matters is how we react to it. Then, we try to figure out what, exactly, one or the other of us is feeling jealous or insecure about. We then try to deal with that issue…do we need to shuffle around some dates? Do we need to do something meaningful as a couple? That almost always gets us through for us. However, it can be enough of a problem that our local poly community sponsors a jealousy support group, where people can safely talk about their feelings and ways to constructively deal with them. I’ve never felt a need to go, but it’s very helpful for some.
Hmm…
So after a good meal you line the men up and give them their “desert”. Definitely something they will remember and cherish more than a new tie.
:dubious:
Yes, that’s exactly what she said. :smack:
Urbanredneck, I don’t know if you’re trying to be funny, insulting, or just don’t understand what I’m trying to convey. On the chance that it’s the third, I’ll give it another shot…in that situation, I wouldn’t “line” anyone up. My poly relationships are individual entities…if I’m making someone an intimate dinner and then having sex, there’s only going to be one person present besides myself.
I’m sorry I didnt mean to be rude. That did sound bad and I should not have said it. It was a bad attempt at humor. Truly sorry I offended you.
You didn’t offend me, but I also accept your apology. I can tell this is a subject you’re not very familiar with, and I hope you’re learning something from this thread.
Thanks.
BTW, your idea of a good, homecooked meal and sex - cant be beat!
So this is going to sound crass, but its the easiest and frankly funniest way to ask this question:
Are there any holes that you reserve only for your main SO or is it no holds barred with whatever you guys feel like? I suppose the cleaner version is if you reserve certain actions, maybe like kissing, or anal, with only one person who is your main
I don’t reserve any sexual acts to exclusively one person, but there are some that I only engage in with people I trust, where I wouldn’t do them casually, but would with an actual relationship. And no, I won’t describe them.
Do you think you have fewer platonic friends than you would have if you were in a monogamous couple? I would think the multiple relationships could eat up a lot of time and make it harder to maintain other friendships.
How would you explain the distinction between polyamory and swinging?
I don’t know if I have more or less than I would otherwise, but I will say that a poly or swinging community is rich in non-sexual social opportunities. I have a great deal of platonic friends just from that world, as well as the standard type of friends. In many ways, it’s easy to make friends in that setting, even if you don’t intend to do anything sexual with them. People tend toward outgoing and very accepting of non-standard-ness, of many flavors.
Basically, polyamory is having committed romantic relationships with more than one person. Those relationships involve feelings, time commitments, etc…everything a standard relationship would. Swinging is much more about casual sex. While it is possible to be friends with people you swing with, and indeed we’re friends with many, sex is looked at much more as sport, and not indicative of any kind of deep relationship.
The saying goes “If you want to have a lot of sex, swing. If you want to talk a lot, be poly.”