Ask the Transsexual Woman

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hi there.

I searched and did not really find an “ask the” thread similar to this, except for an old thread by a transman.

So I thought I would go ahead and start one, since I received many PMs over the year asking me to do such.

I will note a few caveats. First, I’m not going to answer every question. Although I’m fully transitioned and “out and proud,” there are some things which are none of anyone’s business.

Second, the message board staff warned me that I would probably be opening myself up to serious abuse by doing this and I did this at my own risk, so if you want to be rude to me, I’m not answering your questions.

Third, I also don’t want this to be a big debate thread, because I don’t want my thread moved to GD or closed. So if your question is something like “prove that you have a right to be protected by nondiscrimination laws”, ask in GD.

Finally, my time on the board will be limited after the 1st. I will do my best after that day. I work 60+ hours a week and it can be difficult to visit daily.

I’m also not a completely fair representation of an average transsexual woman. I was born with some ambiguous physical features, went through partial female puberty, and was diagnosed in the 1980’s with an intersex hormone condition, which allowed me to be certified in an affidavit by my physicians that without any surgery at the time, I was legally female. In short, I’m mildly intersex as well.

I hid out as “Anthracite” and then “Una” on the Straight Dope because I never wanted to be a spectacle. I wanted to be “that girl that knows a lot about X” rather than “that tranny freak that knows a lot about X.” After I finished transition, I found I no longer cared what people thought, so I figured I should come out so I could bring a personal perspective to debates, etc.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Perhaps it’s best to let folks ask things if they wish, and stop my yapping.

So you know who you’re talking to, this is a headshot of me, on the train to Manchester UK, taken this October.

http://65.69.77.33/files/Pictures/1312/MeOnTrain.jpg

And some demonstrations about my hormone condition, because I’m a scientist and learning about the alphabet soup which is my own body has been an interesting experience.

First, these are my breasts (work-safe). I want you to note that this is before any exogenous hormones or medication. I weighed 120 pounds in this photo at 5’5". Imagine showing up at 7th grade gym with these, like I did.

http://65.69.77.33/files/Pictures/1312/Breasts.jpg

Second, this is a leg (work-safe). Note there is no hair, because I didn’t make (hardly any) testosterone. Note that I don’t shave, don’t wax, and had no laser treatment or electrolysis at the time. Again, imagine showing up at boy’s gym in high school with legs like these.

http://65.69.77.33/files/Pictures/1312/Leg.jpg

Third, this is my current figure after transition (possibly not work-safe), even slumped in a chair you can see breast development is OK relative to my tummy size, but not much larger than before. Not a great photo, but it’s difficult to find ones where I don’t have to cut a lot of other folks out of the picture for their privacy.

http://65.69.77.33/files/Pictures/1312/Figure.jpg

Enough photo time. Any questions?

2

In your opinion, do you think that at this time society in general is becoming any more accepting about transgender people or not?

(I’d like to think things are getting better but I fear that might be wishful thinking on my part)

3

What age did you decide you were a woman? Did you ever have a point in your life where you preferred “boy things”? When did you decide to present to the outside world as a woman, and how did it affect you job and relationships?

4

Oh goodness, yes. General and specific acceptance is the highest it has been in Western Civilization. When you combine the enormous changes in the legal and medical landscape since the 1990’s, my people have gained more positive recognition, more protections, and more acceptance in the last year than the last 5. And more in the last 5 years than the last 500.

I predict that there will start to be some backlash, however, as we do become more mainstream. A significant number of American adults (you know, the “best edumacated big kids in the world”) barely even know we exist, thinking we are synonymous with drag queens and crossdressers. So when bills are passed such as California Assembly Bill 1266, the hate groups will start to mobilize more and more. In fact, hate groups such as the Pacific Justice Institute and the National Organization for Marriage have already tried (and as of today, still failed) to repeal the laws, at the same time running sordid ads showing hairy men threatening girls in bathrooms, etc. The PJI even recently concocted a story about a transgender teen in Colorado harassing female students.

All one has to do is read the comments sections of about any online newspaper, where the “average salt of the earth Americans” spout out crap like “if you gotta innie, you a girl. If you got an outie, you a boy.” Those can be some of the most vile and to be blunt, scary places you can see hate, FTR. You let people hide behind anonymity and give them a forum to post in, and you truly get a peek at the alligators in the human sewers.

5

You’re lovely! (Prettier than I by far!) I never would have “suspected”, since you dont have the Adam’s apple thing - or is that not a reliable sign?

6

First off, I love your hair. Wish I could get mine to stay flat and orderly like that. Hmph.

How often are you misgendered by strangers, and how often do you feel it’s deliberately done to offend you? How do you usually respond?

How can I be a better friend and ally to you and others in your situation?

7

It wasn’t a matter of deciding. It was much more vague and nebulous, and took a while. I first felt like I was a girl at about age 7 or 8; the exact year is uncertain. But it was also confusing - I felt like I must be a girl, but asked “why does everyone call me a boy?” I’m simplifying a very complicated and lengthy process here…

When I was about 12, I grew breasts. Not just swollen nipples like many boys get at puberty, or small buds, but full-on breasts. So now I’m thinking “what is going on? I think I’m a girl, and I have breasts, and now that I’ve seen boys in the shower I really, really don’t look like any of them…um…what the fuck am I?”

For a long time I thought I was gay, because I wanted a boyfriend to take care of me. In early puberty, when boys were lusting after girls - there was one day in class several were saying things about a cheerleader or drill team member in her short skirt, talking of how they wanted to “do her,” and I almost blurted out “I wish I was her!”

I won’t go into extreme detail, but I guess the first indications were about 7 or 8, complicated by my intersex condition of course.

In 2012 I had a serious crisis, where I could no longer pretend I was a boy any more. I became an alcoholic as a result of this, and entered phases and moods of deep depression. Antidepressants were tried, all of them, and they had no effect - something the doctors told me. Paraphrasing, “Una, with your messed up genetics, we really aren’t sure what can fix you, but transition from half female to fully female is probably the only thing.” Things grew worse and worse, with breakdowns happening almost daily. In mid-2012, with a successful career, enough money in the bank to retire in my early 40’s, a spouse who adores me as Una, a nice house, etc., I decided I couldn’t go on any more pretending to be a boy. So I hit rock bottom one morning, and was going to drive to the lake and shoot myself - which somehow, was better than risking my job, family approval, etc. :smack:

But I was stopped, by random chance, and when you truly hit rock bottom, have one foot out over the abyss, then the choices become easy.

My job loves me to freaking death. They offered me a freaking raise and extra vacation to stay! In the year that they’ve known, my career has soared, my clients all love me, my work is more successful than ever, and my company is so proud they have run news articles on me. Not one of my co-workers has given me anything other than support, and many of them have come into my office in tears to say how happy they are for me, and what a better, more fun, more alive person I am. I actually have friends now at work, for the first time - more than just 8-5 friends, I mean. My second job at the University was a breeze - my department head said “hey, this helps our faculty diversity quotient!” I came out mid-semester to my students, who didn’t bat an eye and welcomed their new girl professor in place of the boy professor they’d had for 8 weeks. In fact, they were highly supportive.

Socially, beforehand I had not a single local friend in the world. Not a one. Now I have scores of friends, about a dozen ones so close I’d trust them with my life. Many are trans, but many are cisgender as well. I’ve never been happier or had more support in my life. If I posted a message on our community forum that I needed help, 20 folks would come over today to help me. As I would them.

I was never invited to a party as an adult in my life, unless it was a global invite to my work group. Now I’m invited multiple times a week, and people have to vie for spots in my social calendar. Any day of the week someone wants to go to lunch with me. I now party and hang out with the girls until 3, 4, 5 am on the weekends. I go dancing and I sing and I enjoy life.

I feel like I’m 14, but with disposable income and no parental controls (what could possibly go wrong? :slight_smile: )

My love life? Great. My wife, Fierra on this message board, knew I was trans/intersex before our first date. She married me calling me “wife” during our wedding vows. She has been my tireless supporter and hoping I would finally fully transition, and she loves so much showing off her wife in public. :slight_smile:

8

Thank you!

It varies. Fierra has a prominent Adam’s apple (AA), but is 110% girl. I have noticed that there is a general lack or reduction in the AA among transsexual women, but not among crossdressers. This however is pure observation by me, and not scientifically valid. There could be a relation, however, as the basis of transsexuality is physical via subtle brain and other body changes, but I confess no good studies have been done on the AA.

So I’d say it’s more likely one would have a visible AA if you’re male, but it’s not by any means a sure thing.

9

Thank you for that; although my hair was a little flat as I’d been up traveling all day.

Me? Never. The last time I was misgendered was when I handed over a credit card before my name change, which might have been about 14 or 15 months ago. I am small - 5’5" and about 130 pounds now. I have slight features, thin face, natural good hair, no body hair, no Adams apple, good lips, and dynamite legs.

Sometimes I am misgendered by my co-workers or family, on accident, since they knew me as “male” for decades. It’s habit. I try to remind them firmly but gently to call me by my proper pronouns, and they are very apologetic.

My trans sisters, on the other hand…only about 1 in 4 to 1 in 5 can pass 100% of the time. An example recently was going to the ladies with a friend, who at 6’4" and large frame will never pass in her entire life, and being at the sink washing my hands when two other women whisper to me:

“Did you see that? I think that was a MAN that came in here! What does he think he’s doing in here?”

And I said “they’re probably a transgender person, so what?”

And one said “they’re ALLOWED to use our bathrooms?”

“Yes, because they can be beaten or killed for going into the mens. Give them a break and show some kindness.”

And one older one tittered “OMG, do you think they’ll keep doing this?”

“What, going to the bathroom? As long as they eat and drink, yeah.” I replied.

“But doesn’t it bother you at all?” she said to me.

And then I deliberately dropped into my deepest male voice, and said “No. Small world, huh?”

Which, FTR, is something I’ve had to do a few times. I have a good script prepared.

I tell people this when they ask me that question:

  1. Treat us as the gender we present. We’re not sex fiends, we’re not perverts, and we aren’t coming into your bathrooms to peek under the stalls. We’re decent people saddled with a medical condition which would floor most people, trying to be hardworking Americans who will live the dream. If we look female in dress and appearance, then call us that. If you honest to God can’t tell from dress, speech, manner, or name, either be gender-neutral, or in a pinch, politely ask.

  2. Treat us as human beings. You wouldn’t ask a random acquaintance if they’d had surgery, or if their breasts were real, would you? Or ask “is that a wig?” Give us a hand if we’re being picked on. If you saw a cisgender person being harassed in public, you’d step in, say something, call a manager, or call the police. Why is it different for us?

10

I wanted to say congrats on your switch and on coming “out.” I was going to mention when you mentioned this in a previous thread that this didn’t surprise me - there was something “not mainstream” about how you presented your gender for a long time here.

You are a very pretty woman. I’m sure you were a pretty man as well, but somehow, that sounds like it was part of the issue.

Do you feel fortunate to be mildly intersexed? - I mean, I suppose if you had your way you’d have been born a girl with girl genetics, but do you think this makes it easier, not only to transition and pass, but made it emotionally easier for you to accept (cause it can’t be easy to accept even in yourself)?

11

I think it is really generous of you to be willing to answer questions, and appreciated the answers you gave to my questions on this topic on another board.

I work in health care and am very interested in intersex conditions. I’m wondering if you are willing to share what yours is? I am interested first because I am curious to expand my own knowledge, but also because I feel like there is a lot of ignorance about intersex conditions out there. I understand if you are reticent.

ETA: I think it is really useful for you to post the pictures. I think it will really contribute to understanding of intersex conditions to see how you clearly have always had very feminine physical characteristics–and yet, you also had enough male characteristics (I’m assuming ambiguous genitalia) to be labeled a man.

12

I’m unclear on something. You are quite small and per the pics have what appear to be distinctively female secondary sexual physical characteristics which per your OP you have had from early on. In addition you even had some indicators for having gone through female puberty. You even got an affidavit saying you were an intersexed female almost 25 years so.

I’m a bit confused by the whole “living a lie” thing that would cause near suicide in 2012. As long as you have been on the dope board you have (IIRC) presented yourself and your partner as two females in a relationship and I assumed (apparently incorrectly) you were out in your work life.

All this time even given your intersex genetics, your female tilted physical appearance and desire to be a woman you presented like a man. Why would you do this? It’s not like you would even have to have sexual surgery to step over to your desired gender designation. You could change clothes, put on some makeup and heels and you’re 95% of the way there appearance wise.

You would seem to be a conventionally transsexual person’s dream where they could transition physically without surgery. What was the decision based on to stick like glue to being a small, effeminate looking male with breasts and female legs? Over the years on the dope even perceived as a gay female you have come across as a fairly conservative person politically and ideologically. Is that what made the transition impossible before 2012?

Given your looks and your preferences why wouldn’t you have made this change decades ago?

13

Sure. When you have to play a back-and-forth role - male for work, female for everything else - it’s really altering.

True story, I cannot believe the number of people who have come out and told me “when you presented male, you really weren’t any prize. But now as a woman, you’re hot!” A co-worker told me this once in a heartfelt discussion in my office: “You were always a really nice person, but me and the other girls always felt like there was something off about you. Something strange that to be honest, always put us off you. Then when you changed, even the first week you showed up looking so totally different, it clicked. We were talking about it at lunch, and we all agreed - the reason you looked off is because you never looked like a man, you looked like something we couldn’t put our finger on. Now that you’re who you should be, you’re awesome and I’m proud to be your friend” My secretary put it this way: “You were a girl playing dress-up as a guy, and that’s why even though you were a good person, you put off the women and the men. And it’s why now everyone is so much more comfortable and happy to be close to you. You’re not playing dress-up any more.”

To be blunt, mostly yes. It made my life hell for decades, with high estradiol that swung to near zero, then to above 400, sometimes coming and going over months. And the transgirls in the community are, to be also blunt, jealous of me. When we pose for group photos, people often ask “who’s the g-girl in that picture?” pointing to me. My very dearest trans sisters - friends who are now closer than family - have told me there is a decent amount of jealousy over the fact I’m half a foot (or more) shorter, smaller, and have so many female features they don’t have, and will never have.

At the same time, it also gave me breasts when I was 12. I alluded to it earlier, but the tortures I endured in Junior High school were insane. I think that in some cases there are few creatures more cruel than a pack of teenage boys. I was beaten almost daily, my breasts were pinched, pulled, stabbed with pencils, punched, etc. The mockery and taunting came from not just the boys, but the coach. I remember one day in 9th grade, because I didn’t grow any leg hair, the coach pulled me in front of the class, and said “() is fucking shaving his legs! He’s a homo! And you know what we do to HOMOs, RIGHT?” I was beaten so hard that I couldn’t walk home that day without stopping to rest every half block. I sorta contemplated suicide to escape gym, but mostly contemplated running away and living on the streets.

And the word got around school: “He’s a freak! He’s a fucking monster!” How was I going to have a boyfriend when that was going on? Or a girlfriend?

It also contributed to my rape. The men who raped me were certain I was a girl. Willowy with a slight but definite hourglass figure, a soprano voice, long hair, no body or facial hair, and breasts. They might not have ever started if I’d looked like a boy. So when the clothes came off, they beat me to near unconsciousness because I’d “tricked them” (and also because I refused to participate in my own rape). Then when they were done beating me, they decided to rape me anyhow, because, well, they were there, right?.. :smack:

It also gave me ovarian tissue but no way to give birth. I’ll never be a mom, and even if I had been more complete my DNA can’t/shouldn’t mix with anything on this planet.

14

I actually have a question about a transman that I met recently. I don’t know him well enough to ask personal questions, so I was hoping that, given your personal experience and your knowledge of transgender issues in general, you might be able to give me some insight.

When I was first introduced to him, I thought he was a quirky girl. He went by an unusual masculine name that could also be short for a feminine name. He looked like a thin girl with short hair wore androgynous/boyish clothes. His mannerisms were all girl. Super-girly, actually. Given the boyish style and the fact that he had shown up at the party with a young woman, I thought he might be a lesbian. I thought I overheard some one call him “he,” so I checked with my sister (the party’s hostess) to see whether I should be doing the same.

I hung out with him and a few other people throughout the evening. I tried to flip the switch in my brain to identify him as male, but I just couldn’t do it. Too many girl signals. Not that I necessarily need to treat a young man differently than a young woman most of the time, but it is good to get the pronouns right, at least.

Here is where I have question. I am still wrapping my head around transgender stuff. I can understand the following:

-Biologically, you are not 100% one sex or the other. You identify as the one that suits you best.
-Biologically, you are not 100% one sex or the other. You don’t identify yourself as either (or identify as both).
-Biologically, you are apparently one sex, and that one works fine for you.
-Biologically, you are apparently one sex, but you fit in better with the other one, and identify as that.
-Biologically, you are apparently one sex, but you don’t feel that you fit either and do not identify as either.

I do not understand having an apparently female body and being all kinds of girly other than in clothing/hair style, and identifying as male.

I know you can’t answer questions about this particular person. I am assuming that, although this is the first time I have encountered such a situation, it is not unique. I’ve been working on expanding my ideas about sex and gender for a few years now. Any insight you can give me would be helpful.

15

Since several have already gotten on the bandwagon with how lovely Una is, let me just say this cisgirl is completely envious of the lack of leg hair. I have more leg hair than most guys I know. I keep threatening to cornrow it. I hate, hate, hate debilitating and have yet to find a method that doesn’t irritate my skin. :::jealous:::

16

I don’t want to talk much on this. It’s a bit of a source of mental pain for me as well as being a bit too close for comfort, due to my lifelong discomfort with my own body. I have always produced high levels of estrogen and very low testosterone. But with wide variation - I had hormone panels done every 3 months all my life, and sometimes I’d have high T and E, sometimes both would be in the basement, etc.

I did not have male puberty, I had partial female puberty - my levels were not high enough, and although mildly intersex, I’m a long way from being an XX woman. Don’t anyone think I’m a genetic woman; I’m nowhere near that. The reason for the hormone imbalance appears to be the formation of ovaries or streak ovarian tissue (I think it’s called). I had CT/MRI scans, etc. and they also eliminated other conditions such as endocrine tumors.

My chief endo said “we could learn a lot more about you, and I’d be interested in writing a technical report on you, but really, your health insurance won’t cover the tests, and it’s a moot point. Your health is great, you’re done transitioning, let’s just let it go until there is a problem.”

17

Una, Im so very sad about the abuse and rape and beatings you endured. And the misunderstandings. But your philosophy of “when you have one foot over the abyss, your choices become clear” is spot-on.

Eta: thank you for your interesting posts here and very best of life to you. You’re a stunning creature, inside and out.

18

Thank you for your honesty and courage to come “out” on the board.

I have an androgynous friend who is just starting his transition at 21. People know him professionally and personally as an androgynous male and he wishes he would have started earlier. I will share your story of professional acceptance with him.

He is struggling with hormonal surges right now, being physically male he’s never experienced before. He feels like he wants to be cuddled and left alone with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s all at the same time.

As his friend, is there anything I should or shouldn’t say. Is there anything you wish your friends would have said to you? I am curious about his transition and have many questions that he hasn’t complained about answering but I wonder if I"m not just being a pain in the ass.

19

In public, at work, with family, etc. I was presenting male. And it didn’t just gall, it oppressed me. I never told my family about my diagnoses later in life, and as for my earlier problems? They never knew about my breasts. I lived in a very broken home. I rarely saw my mother, and she never saw me undressed. I wore giant poofy concert shirts or sweatshirts all the time to cover myself. Once when I was forced to wear a suit for a school event I was horrified, as I couldn’t hide my breasts, and that’s when I discovered that yes, you can use duct tape to flatten them to your chest - although it hurt like you would not believe peeling it off.

Think of the era. I was raised “male”, meaning I had school records and such saying thus. My family covered up any ambiguities about me, and it was swept under the rug very effectively. When getting into college in the early 1980’s, changing your public gender is going to cause so many problems that I worried I might not get accepted. Then when you get your degrees and try to enter the workplace in the early 1990’s, do you change gender then? What conservative engineering company in 1992 wants to hire a “tranny”? I grew up desperately poor. We got the “government cheese.” I remember sleeping in our coats in our car, or in the hallways of apartment buildings. I remember opening the cupboard and there being no food, until my mom begged a grandparent to bring us food. I remember not having any lights and having the water shut off.

It was terrifying. I needed a job. I needed a career and never wanted to be in that position again.

So you keep hiding, telling yourself it’s temporary. You’ll save up enough money to get started, then transition. But then, you get debts - a house, car, etc. Do you risk losing your job after 5 years, and never finding another professional job, to transition? Losing the house and car? Think of the era - the 1990’s were a time when transsexuals were thought at best to be the sick caricatures on Jerry Springer.

And then later when I married Fierra, she was out of work for a while. So if I lost my job, I was hurting two people. So maybe I’ll be able to transition next year…and next year never comes.

After about roughly 2010 I could have retired at any time. So if I’d been fired, it would suck, but we’d have food on the table and all bills paid. But then when you’ve been stuck for so long, you are wracked with fears, dreads, and insanity of a sort. It’s very difficult to explain. You get locked into a mode of continued terror - needing to transition, but unable to make yourself take that leap of faith. I have numerous girls in the local community who I am counseling who are facing those exact, same questions. One has tried to kill herself TWICE in two months, because that’s somehow better than telling her wife and kids she’s a transwoman…it’s nuts, you know? And I’ve been there.

20

That can be a problem, yes.

We need to differentiate between “transgender” and “intersex.” Let me answer the question the best way I know how.

A typical transgender person is 100% one sex or the other, excepting almost certain subtle physiological changes in the brain from birth. This gives them a mental gender which is different than their apparent DNA/genital/body gender. The severity of this gender divide varies widely - in most it will be too small to notice or negatively impact the life of the transgender person. They may never know it, only that sometimes they may feel “girly” or “butch” and not really give it much thought. Or they may think a lot about who they are, and what if they were another gender.

With others, the divide is serious and profound. If it’s profound enough that you transition your physical, legal, and social gender to another, then you are a transsexual.

An intersex person is born medically “none of the above” or “both of the above” in the most extreme cases, in that you can’t say 100% if they are female or male. The conditions may be so mild they never realize it until they die - or so profound their daily life is altered from the norm.

An intersex person raised as one gender and who must present as one gender physically, socially, and legally, but changes all of those things later in life, is also a transsexual. That’s my case.

People are all different. I will state that the vast, vast majority of transmen I know are uber-butch, more butch than most cisgender men I know. In fact, I cannot think of more than one transman I ever met who had even a hint of “girl” about them. So it appears, based on your report, to be unusual. But then again, it’s also sometimes what you see when a person is still wrestling with their issues of gender.

Gender dysphoria is something which can be terrifying and life-altering. To have the divide between your brain gender and body gender, well, cannot be described unless you have it. Imagine waking up every day and feeling almost like you were trapped in a prison, from which death is the only release? Or feeling one day like you think a girl should feel, and the other day like you think a boy should feel? Or not having an innate sense of “self?” Like “there’s someone in my head, but it’s not me?” And the terror of thinking “how could anyone ever love someone like me? What if work finds out? What if my family finds out?” One of the reasons post-transition transsexuals still have a very high suicide rate is because you can go through $100,000 of genital and facial and other surgery and best-case look like a cute g-girl, but if you lose your career, your spouse, your house, your kids, your family, your friends, etc. - that’s a really difficult trade to make. And yet, gender dysphoria is so profound in transsexuals, that even those risks will not dissuade them from trying.