When I was younger I didn’t have a strong gender identity. There were many things I really hated about being a woman.
I feel like most women just accept puberty, pregnancy, birth control, but these things have always made me feel angry. I hate the fact that women are so vulnerable to abuse and sexual assault.
I have wished I were a man many times but I would never think about physically becoming a man.
Now I’m facing premenopause and again dreading it.
I remember the first time I met a gay man who did drag shows. I used to dress very plainly and modestly. I wore clothes that either sex could wear a lot.
And this friend of my friend was over joyed showing me his fake eye lashes and heels, and I just thought “he enjoys being a woman more than I do.”
And so the thought that there are people who actually choose to dress like or become women really made me appreciate what I have.
And now I avoid tom boy clothes like the plague.
People in the Pink Fog (and some transpeople end up there too) also don’t realize what real women who dress up for work have to go through. Some closeted transwomen say “if I was out like you Una, I’d dress like a movie star every day!” And I just shake my head.
It’s scary and exciting to go to work the first week en femme. In the first month, it’s all like “So many nice clothes! Jewelry! Get the makeup to the max! Do I go as Tallulah Bankhead or Lauren Bacall? Silk stockings, $1000 suit, 4-inch patent heels, Isn’t this fun? Which hat do I choose? Which scarf? Maybe I can stop by the salon on my way to work! Yes!”
Then by the 3rd month, saying “huh…I guess I could dress down a little…might save some time…yeah, I’ll do pantyhose instead of stockings…maybe I can cut down on the makeup. Wool skirts are fine, just fine. Nothing wrong with that. Standard 2/5-inch court shoes, sure. Nails are chipped…I can fill this one in with magic marker for now, yeah. Everyone does it…”
Then by the 6th month, rolling out of bed and going “crap, I’m late…maybe I’ll just throw on something. Sure, I can just do eyes and lips, yeah. Maybe I can get away with Martha Stewart slacks and a sweater. Knee-highs and skip the hose. Who the fuck invented something that ladders or runs if you look at it sideways? Here’s some nice kitten heels…no…ballet flats. Yeah. Jewelry? Um…I got a ring, what else do they want from me?!”
Then by the 9th month, it becomes “ok, Dockers? Why not. Is there a generic blue top here? Sure. Do I recycle this boy top? Fuck it, I’m late. I can do socks and…canvas shoes. Hey, maybe everyone will be sick today and not see. Makeup? Shit, I’m late, maybe I can put it on at the stop lights like every other girl is doing…”
By one year, our heroine in the Pink Fog dresses like it’s Outpatient Night at Walmart.
It’s hard to dress really upscale as a woman, day in and day out, every week. Not only does it take time, but shit happens - one morning I put holes in not 1 but 3 brand-new pairs of Hanes “Barely There” hose (that stuff is $9 a pair!).(1) Other mornings, if you don’t practice what to wear, you end up about to leave, then look in the mirror, say “OMG, no!” and spend 15 minutes changing. Except, oops, when you put on your new top, you got lipstick on it. OK, next outfit… Why can’t I fasten this bracelet on myself? The one that caught on my skirt and is now hanging by several pulled threads? And was this heel always loose? Wait, I can see my bra through this top? Why is my hair NOT BEHAVING?! OMG OMG OMG…
My routine starts at 6:30 and gets me about done by 7:30 at the soonest, normally 7:45, 8:05 at the most. Dressed as a boy, I spent about 20 minutes at the soonest, at most 40 minutes. Boys don’t wear makeup, they don’t do their hair, they don’t have to pick out and coordinate jewelry, they don’t have to struggle with hose, etc.
I admit I dressed a little more “down” for winter - with slush and salt and all kinds of hell going on with -9 F temperatures, I don’t want to wear my best outfits every day. The cold has also sent me to long wool skirts and soft velvet or plush tops or sweaters. I still wear my skirt suits 1-2 times a week, but won’t go back to full formal mode until the temperatures start breaking 65.
(1) Thank God, a girlfriend showed me hosiery gloves. Those $5 cotton gloves have saved me a fortune in money and time. And Fierra introduced me to the concept that the $1 hose can typically look pretty good, and is much more durable.
Have you noticed how hard it is to find shirts that aren’t transparent? It drives me nuts. I don’t want to have to wear a tank or cami under everything.
I definitely don’t suffer from the Pink Fog. A couple of girls at college have said to me, “I bet you can’t wait to go shopping for girly outfits!” Um…no? I just want to wear sweaters and jeans, same as you’re wearing, same as I’ve always worn, except now I have boobs and a bit more makeup.
I haven’t been to a formal event in girl mode yet, so I don’t know what I would wear for those. But my main concerns are feeling comfortable and not drawing attention to myself.
K - it’s good to know you aren’t going to go through the slutty teenage girl stage. OMG.
Or the “let’s buy lipstick in every color of the rainbow including those that only look good on people whose skin color is the darkest possible shade known to humans.”
K I’m just curious, have you worn female underwear for a while or done other little things that only you know about that are more womanly? Sorry if that is TMI.
I don’t seem to have as much of a problem with that. Sheer skirts sometimes.
So many transwomen have no concept of what normal women wear every day for makeup. Bright sparkly-blue eyeshadow and blood-red lips over enough foundation to to do five kabuki shows…
I’ll answer and say no, I never did. My purpose in dressing is to present a professional appearance to the outside world, or to blend in with other women, or to look hot at a club. When I was in boy mode I never once wore women’s underthings. There was no point, really. I did wear women’s Dockers slacks, because they fit my shape better, and back when I had a 26-inch waist…you just can’t find most men’s trousers in a 26.
Damn, I used to wear a 2…those days are gone. 
I have major annoyances with such things, too. If you can do tights instead of hose, I’ve found that the tights designed for dancers are waaayy more durable than the ones designed for fashion outlets. My pair of dance tights made it through five or so years of heavy use, while the ones from women’s clothing stores typically didn’t even make it through one season.
I think my husband does it because it started as a fetish and for so long he couldn’t. Now he’s with me and he feels like he can let his freak flag fly.
I guess I should mention he’s really white and I am too? Lol. No offense to those who can wear super bright colors. He actually got a make up consultation at a department store after he separated from his ex. They were really nice and helped him a lot.
By the way I got my breast grabbed by a drag queen the other night as if to figure out if I was a "real"woman or not. Definitely a strange experience!
Una, do you lay your outfits out at night?
I started doing that in college, and it’s the only thing that keeps me from dressing like a homeless cat lady some days.
I don’t get kitted out like you do (don’t have to, and have a job that usually requires me to be kneeling or sitting on the floor or carrying 40-pound boxes of books around) but I firmly believe it does do something to you psychologically to be “put together.” Like you’ve got your armor and your warpaint on, and are braced for action. 
What’s interesting to me is hearing how you feel like men are so foreign to you. I’ve always known of things that men haven’t understood about being a woman, but I’ve always thought of those things as minor - products of their different privilege in society. I’ve never had the thought that a man’s mind is opaque or foreign to me because they are men, and it’s a really interesting thought to have. It’s like the first time I realized that not everyone finds both men and women physically attractive - this odd mental combo of “oooohhhh, so that’s why” and “huh, that’s not the same as me at all!”
Interesting tip, I will try that.
OMG, definitely a rude experience. I have to say, if a drag queen did that to one of the transwomen’s significant others, me or someone else would be showing them the door.
Maybe it’s a difference between your drag community and my TG community? In our TG community, the female significant others of the transpeople are considered to be plutonium; as in “hands off.” You don’t chat them up, you don’t buy them a drink, you don’t insult them, you don’t ask them if they “swing”, and oh dear God, you don’t touch them. If a drag queen grabbed Fierra’s breast (and Fierra didn’t do something herself) I can think of a few dozen t-girls who might actually start a fight right there. The bouncers at clubs know it too.
I used to, I’ve now developed a good sense of what goes where, but the problem is I sometimes forget what clothes I have. So I’ve started taking selfies with different outfits, so I can page through quickly on my phone and pick some good choices for the day.
This is true. Days when I am wearing my best I feel a bit more fearless than usual.
I am not certain I can explain exactly what I mean, but I shall try. I just do not interface with men. Their mannerisms throw me off, their conversation, the way they stand, the body language. I don’t get certain things, like why they emote the way they do, and the testosterone-driven behaviors which sometimes get them into trouble.
It’s not universal at all - there are some men I am very comfortable with (a friend named Akatsukami for example, who used to post on here). And some I understand very well, like one co-worker I’ve known for decades, who I feel I understand completely. It’s more a generality, and it requires - has always required - a huge acting job to be “chummy” and engage in all the male rituals of business - the glad-handing, the loud talking, the sports references, the drinking, the crude jokes, etc.
I’ll tell you one thing which has made me feel SO much more at ease. Over the last more than 20 years, this scene might happen from 2-4 times a month.
Co-Worker: “So…I hear your college is last in the division. Uh huh.”
Me: “(Sigh) Bob, honestly, I don’t care. I really don’t. I didn’t even know it was football season. Do they have that every year now?” (the latter bit said to try to get their goat)
Co-Worker: “Did you see Manzakiewitz ran for only 70 yards? Pretty sad. Why did your school recruit him?”
Me: “I’m certain I would not know. Probably the same reason you were able to graduate; he had pictures of the Dean with a goat.”
Co-Worker: “And how about them Chiefs?”
Me: (bangs head on desk)
I used to have to get the USA Today every time I was on the road and force myself to read some of the Sports section, because EVERY TIME I met the client(s) that day, some of the first words out of their mouth would be along the lines of “hey, did you catch the Australian dick-wrestling finals? Why did they recruit Manzakiewitz anyhow?”
Since the very day I transitioned at work, NO co-worker OR client has EVER made another sports comment to me! Not even in passing! Awesome sauce!
And no I don’t hate sports - I play sports, not watch them. I joined a women’s doubles tennis league last year, and I’ve been fencing for almost 8 years. I just don’t feel the need to talk about them all the time.
Maybe you and Fierra could take up Calvinball?
I’d worn a gaff (such a disgusting word!) for a couple of years before coming out, because I felt more comfortable that way. It let me walk around without being overly conscious of the alien parts downstairs. I usually wore men’s underwear on top of that for warmth.
But to be honest, I’ve never done anything very secretive. I’ve always had long hair, and have worn earrings and makeup for a few years. I probably came across as a bit gothy rather than trans. It’s only around my parents that I make a conscious effort to be in boy mode.
Are you still in boy mode around your parents now you’re out, you mean?
Yes. I should have clarified that I’m not out to my parents yet (I don’t live in the same city and I don’t see them very often). It’s a very scary thought and I have no idea how they will respond.
I’m trying to think of **any **situation where grabbing a random stranger’s breast would be socially acceptable and - barring people who are active participants in an orgy - I’m drawing a blank. That’s a punching offense.
Hm. I’m a cis male, and I don’t get sports talk at all. Also cars.
Also sports cars.
Same. My default when someone tries to chat about my college’s sports teams is to stare blankly and say, “They have a football/hockey/basketball/soccer/tennis/foosball team?”
I’ve never heard of a “gaff” and am not sure I want to google that at work. What is it? Is it a regional term? From your description it sounds sorta like … a jock strap? Sorta?
Concur. Cis, trans, gay, straight … no matter what, that’s just not cool.
It’s an undergarment designed to tuck male genitalia out of sight.
Amazon sells them (not to imply they’re the only seller…)