Not at all. It’s tacky, greedy and crass. It’s low class. It smacks of viewing one’s guests as ATMs.
I agree with Miss Manners: “People who want to charge admission to their weddings, rather than simply share the occasion with those about whom they care, should sell tickets.”
Years after my wedding, I have many gifts that still mean a lot to me because they remind me of the givers who wished us well. And while many guests gave us cash, I don’t remember who they were.
Something like this would make me want to give them a set of towels.
Wedding Advice
*Dear Miss Manners,
I was recently invited to a “greenback” wedding shower. Does this mean I must bring a money gift? *
Gentle Reader:
That is certainly what these greedy people plan to extract from you. Miss Manners hopes you did not miss that because the invitation was too subtle.
“Dear Ms. Web: Shower Money”
*Dear Mrs. Web,
My sister and her fiancé of 2 years are getting married next year. They live together and have everything they need, so the traditional bridal shower isn’t appropriate to give to them.
We are planning a big party next spring for friends and family. We really would like to help them out with the cost of the wedding by letting the guests know that this is a greenback type of shower. How do I do this? Is this acceptable? Anguished Relative.*
Raising money for the wedding? Well, you could sell tickets. Sell advertising on each table. Charge for parking. Rent T-shirt space on the bride.
One does not officially ask for a specific gift or any gift when inviting someone to an event. If a guest calls and asks for ideas, you could suggest, “Penelope and Albert have no household needs so I am going to write a check”. Anything beyond this is not acceptable. Your guests are not Santas.
The last thing in the world you should be concerned about is how the wedding is paid. That is the concern of the people who are throwing the event. People have the weddings they can afford. If they are spending beyond their means, it is their choice. Stop anguishing immediately!
“Miss Manners: Marrying for Money”
Which do you suppose is the social form that people are most anxious about wording correctly?
Well, yes, wedding invitations. Perfectly normal people go etiquette-crazy when planning to be married and demand to know the proper way of doing everything, including some startlingly improper acts.
But it is not the correct wording for inviting the guests for which Miss Manners is constantly being asked. On the contrary, the very correctness of that tradition annoys people who claim to want formal invitations. It’s “too formal,” they protest. And, apparently, using their names does not sufficiently “personalize” it. So instead of writing perfectly nice informal invitations, they mess with the formal sort, lopping off honorifics and inserting extra words and thoughts about their pride, happiness and cordiality.
What they want to get exactly right according to tradition is a line they believe goes somewhere at the end. Here are some examples – among thousands – of the most frequently asked wedding question:
*“My son and future daughter-in-law have two beautiful children and have lived together for eight years. She wants to put on the invitations that they would both prefer money instead of gifts. How do you word it in the invitation?”
“Where does the information about gift registries go? I have seen it on the back of the invitation and on a separate card (with the couple’s mailing address for convenience). Which is the right way?”
“What would be the proper way to tell guests that we would appreciate monetary gifts, certificates, cash, checks, etc., without sounding snobbish? Someone suggested a poem on the subject but neither of us are poets. Would you happen to have anything to that effect in your archives?”
“I know it is tacky to ask for cash or checks in lieu of regular gifts, but what about gift cards? A friend suggested I use these lines: ‘For the gift-minded, we would like to keep our load light as we (all) will be traveling. Gift certificates or cash is acceptable.’ Help!”
"What is the polite way to express that money would be more welcome than physical gifts? We don’t need anything but do not want to disallow monetary gifts by saying ‘No gifts please.’ "
“Is there a way to bring up contributions to a 529 plan as an option for a wedding gift?”
“My fiance and I are senior citizens who do not wish material gifts but would not mind receiving monetary gifts. We do not want to appear greedy so this is a dilemma for us.”
“How do we put on the invitation that there will be Dollar Dances with the bride? I’ve been at weddings where guests were caught without the cash to participate.”
“My stepdaughter wants to include in the invitation a request that guests contribute money toward their honeymoon. Is there a tactful way to do this without being crude?”
“I did not register for our wedding, because I would like to do a money tree that I have heard about. Could you please help me? I want to be gracious on how I do this.”
“How would we ask for a money tree-type thing without sounding like a ‘gimme-pig’?”
*
Miss Manners is sorry to have to tell them all that she does not have a gracious and tactful extortion plea in her files, and that their qualms about sounding tacky, greedy and crude are fully justified. Only gimme-pigs regard their wedding guests as cash cows.
“Miss Manners: Wedding is worth skipping”
*Dear Miss Manners: Please tell me this “just ain’t so.” Our oldest granddaughter recently set her wedding date, and she and her spouse-to-be are paying for the reception themselves. We were then informed that she and her spouse-to- be are expecting to be refunded for the amount they are expending on the wedding and the reception in the form of cash payments and/or expensive gifts.
When we said we thought that was appalling, we were told that “everybody expects it today” and that the “older, wealthier guests” are expected to take their checkbooks along to the reception, decide how much their share of the “bash” is going to cost, and then write a check for the amount they feel is appropriate.
We have refused to fall in with such a grubby idea.
I honestly feel like just attending the wedding itself and excusing myself from the reception. We helped this child with large contributions toward her education to supplement the jobs she had and grants she obtained. We did that willingly, but THIS! No way!*
Gentle Reader: On all but one point, Miss Manners heartily agrees with you. And that is when you report that your granddaughter and her bridegroom are paying for their own wedding reception.
No, they’re not. They are only investing the upfront money with the demand that they be reimbursed. They are, in effect, selling tickets. Like you, Miss Manners considers this a commercial opportunity worth skipping.
“Miss Manners: Give gift presents, not cash”
You would think that Miss Manners ran the billing department. Here is a small sample of the messages that keep peppering her inbox.
*“We are attending a wedding this weekend and want to give the couple money for a wedding present. What is the appropriate amount to give?”
“What is the expected amount of a gift card when the baby is not related?”
“How much money should you give to a niece for high school graduation?”
“What is considered today as an appropriate monetary wedding gift for a single male attending a large wedding (120 plus people) of his best friend’s daughter?”
“Will be attending a wedding of my grandson at a park with a picnic to follow. What is the correct cash gift etiquette?”
“What is an appropriate amount of money to give a high school graduate who is your husband’s best client’s daughter. We are attending a party in her honor, too. $50 or $100?”*
Miss Manners has a question of her own:
What do these people expect? A firm amount, such as “$129.99 for weddings with $17 bonus if wedding dinner is edible”? A formula, such as “one-fifth of a percent of your disposable income for a baby who is related; one-tenth of a percent for one who is not”?
The sad thing that they do expect is that they are obligated to pay people for passing Go, and that there are understood to be admission fees for attending any related events. This is what the ancient and noble customs of giving presents and providing hospitality have come to: How much do I owe?
That is something people all have to decide for themselves. Any formula made without knowing the giver’s financial circumstances and the type and depth of the relationship to the recipient would be meaningless.
But then, giving friends and relatives money has rendered a charming gesture meaningless.
Miss Manners is aware that many find paying a welcome relief from having to put real effort into performing social duties, such as thinking about what present might please the particular recipient and about returning hospitality. Never mind that thoughtfulness and reciprocation are what these duties are all about, and, indeed, basic pleasures of civilized society.
After all, they reason, how can they go wrong (if only they could get Miss Manners to determine the correct amount)? Who doesn’t like receiving money?
Well, here’s a shock: Many people do not. Some are actually insulted to be paid by their peers. Some are disappointed that people they thought cared about them don’t care enough to think about them. Some just miss the fun of being surprised, delighted or amused by opening pretty packages.
And while they don’t yet realize it, all of them will miss the warm pleasure of living with little things associated with warm relationships.
If there is any warmth behind “OK, how much do I owe?” Miss Manners has missed it.
And there’s more, from a variety of sources:
Weddings as Fund-raisers
“Gimme Gimme”
“Miss Manners: Engaged couple plans wedding fundraiser”
“Selling Centerpieces for Honeymoon Funds”
“Making Money by Marrying”
