Been a while since I started a ridiculous hypothetical thread with an over-long OP.
Here’s how it is:
Warren Buffet calls you into his office to let you know that he’s discovered an evil plot. Bill Gates, he explains (and proves), is actually the representative of a shadowy extradimensional cabal intent on conquering and colonizing the Earth. If they succeed, the human survivors of the invasion will be either cattle or sex slaves. The precise origins of this cabal are unclear, but you know that they come from a humanoid, extra-dimensional civilization, and that their military’s high-tech weaponry is sufficient to mop the floor with every human army in about 5 minutes. However, they currently have only about 700 operatives here, not all of them combat troops, and currently divided into 7 units. To bring their armies to Earth, they will require a standard fantasy-type McGuffin, sorcerous in origin, currently split into 7 pieces and scattered across the globe. They are trying to find and assemble the McGuffin.
Of course this cabal must be stopped, but for standard conspiracy theory reasons you cannot get any government to help. But wait! Buffet happens to have a lesser version of the same extra-dimensional travel gizmo they used to get here in the first place, and he wants you to use it to recruit agents from the various alternate realities in which live-action television shows are real. You can bring up to 7 persons, plucked from specific moments in the show’s history. You’ll want a field leader, and warriors, and tech guys, and probably a medic of some sort, but it’s your call how to staff the team. (Buffet has chosen you to lead this effort because you’re a Doper, of course).
There are limits, of course. If you can only bring 1 character from any given show; Jack Bauer as field leader means no Chloe O’Brien as tech geek. The only way you can cheat this rule is by going to characters from different shows that share a fictional universe, but that isn’t a perfect resolution either; bring in Fred from Season 4 Angel, and the only Wesley available to you is the one from season 3 Buffy. The tech is kryptonite based, so you may not bring in any version of Clark Kent without killing him, and you only have enough power to bring in characters from tv shows that have aired since 1995, so the Flash, Wonder Woman, and the Hulk aren’t available either. Nor are movie characters such as Spider-Man and the X-Men.
Just bring through the cast of Alias. Sydney Bristow, Marshall Flinkman, Spy Daddy Jack Bristow, Michael Vaughn, Eric Weiss and, from one of their ostensibly helpful periods, Arvin Sloane and Irina Derevko. Problem solved.
McGyver ended in 1992 but Richard Dean Anderson has appeared as McGyver in commercials since 1995. I’ll bring him in awaiting judgment from the Matrix Tribunal.
Willow from Buffy= you can always use some magic (unless she’s in one of her pissed off modes in which case she’d probably go to the dark side)
Allison DuBois from Medium- the cabal has surely killed and she can use psychic ability and hooter power to summon their victims for help from the other side.
Al Swearengen from Deadwood- he’ll have to be brought up to speed on the 1870s to the present, but I have faith that once he’s up to snuff on high-tech cabals you’ll find no better head of interrogation and enforcement. (True, Cy Tolliver would probably be the meaner and more able to get info from a stone, but you can’t trust him.)
Joy from My Name is Earl- may not be too tech savvy, but the straight guys she can’t seduce she can go postal on, and she’ll keep Swearengen in line.
Dr. Weaver from ER- you’ll need a medical officer, plus with Tara’s help she has Lesbian Auxiliary Power over DANgerous Criminal Enterprises (LAPDANCE) that works well with Joy and Allison’s Fox-Force 2 powers.
Urkel from Family Matters- he can travel through time, shrink himself to six inches tall and all with the power of a homemade PC, how can Gates compete?
Warren Fairbanks from Some of My Best Friends- Who is he, you ask? He was Jason Bateman’s openly gay character from a short lived post 1995 series. Since Urkel and the Hooter Brigade and the lesbians and Swearengen will easily dispatch the bad guys with or without McGyver I’m bringing gay Jason Bateman strictly as my Victory Party date (cause I’ve had a crush on the guy since I was 15 years old).
Field Leader - Col Jack O’Neill Stargate: SG-1. He ain’t MacGuyver, but he’ll do.
Tech - The Doctor Doctor Who. Any of his incarnations.
Magic - Willow Rosenberg BtVS. She a pretty good witch, and she wasn’t always gay. Good choice, Sampiro.
Medic - The Doctr Star Trek: Voyager. Probably the best choice for emergency medical care would be a computer create to provide emergency medical care.
Troops - Angel Angel pretty indestructable, although the brooding might get on my nerves
- The Tick (aka I. P. Daly) The Tick because he’s “nigh invulnerable”
- Kara Thrace Battlestar Galactica she’s the best at anything military
just bring in “Q” from ST-TNG, being Omnipotent, he can snap his fingers and solve the problem in a nanosecond (turn billy-boy into a Tribble and beam him onto a Klingon Bird Of Prey, gate$ should be no tribble at all there…)
Jack Bauer (Because if we don’t use him “MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WILL DIE!”)
Fox Mulder (He can make connections that no one else can, also he has access to extra-governmental “sources”)
Dwight Schrute (Dedicated field soldier)
Sydney Bristow (Tough chick)
Tim Gunn (Because, we would be having trouble working something out, but he would tell us to “make it work, people”)
Fez (We may need an operative who can be ambiguously from many different countries)
Any of the three nerds from Springfield Heights that like to “Par-ty?” ( I need th tech savvy,of course)