Assisted conception - has anywhere here been involved in this?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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My GF and I are currently in the process of having a child via assisted conception.

Have you done it? What was the process like when you conceived your child?

Are you the result of an assisted conception? What are your experience of that? My GF’s best friend is, which kinda helps us, but her experience was so different that in some ways it doesn’t - no donor registry, for example.

Have you tried it and failed? What happened then?

Please note: adoption is not on the table. It really isn’t.

My GF’s already had the full screening for HIV, etc, and seems fine. She has a good job with lots of maternity leave and opportunities for flexible working, and is in good health. She’s in her early thirties.

I am in my late thirties and already have one child, now aged fifteen.

Please don’t mention adoption. That is not an option for us.

Really, I want to know about general experiences of Assisted Conception. However, because I know that this stuff will be asked about:

As previously mentioned on the SD, I do have a disability. However, we are taking that into account; we need more back-ups than usual. If the worst happened and my GF died in childbirth, then I would need someone to help me with some of the practicalities, but TBH I think I’d need someone practical around if that happened anyway because I’d be a mess. Post-maternity leave time I could cope alone if necessary, but that’s a worst-case scenario. You always have to plan for them.

My daughter, who is is fifteen and mildly autistic, is quite happy with the idea, as far as you can tell. She wants to show the new child lots of anime. :smiley: FWIW, since I know some people think autistic kids can be aggressive, she’s the opposite of that. I think she’d be a very good big sister in some ways. In practical ways, she could actually help, if we were left alone; she wouldn’t think to change a baby’s nappy, maybe, but she could do it when instructed.

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If you aren’t planning to get married be sure any legalities concerning legal fatherhood and/or custody are iron clad. That means hire a lawyer. That way, if something tragic does happen to your girlfriend you won’t have to fight for custody or just to be acknowledged as a father. This goes double if you’re using a sperm donor.

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Adoption.

Someone had to say it.:smiley:

What the hell is assisted conception? Is it a euphemism for invitro? Or is someone helping to move your hips during the act?

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SciFiSam = SciFiSamantha.

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You need to clarify what kind of assisted conception. IUI or IVF? Are you using donor eggs, sperm or embryo?

I’ve done IUI and IVF. If you search my username, I did ‘ask the’ posts about it.

I suggest both of you attend therapy throughout this process. It’s difficult on each person and the couple. Many couples split after dealing with this process.

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What type of assistance are you using?

Most folks get assistance after one year of unprotected intercourse with the same partner that does not result in conception. Some Docs will start the woman on fertility enhancing pills if she is a bit older, however.

But if after trying without success, both partners should get a complete check-up to see if a problem can be identified.

With a proper diagnosis, treatment could be as simple as fertility enhancing pills for the female and/or intrauterine insemination. Larger fertility problems might be treated with in-vitro fertilization.

What type of exams and treatment are you folks doing?

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Oh, huh… well, yes, I was assuming heterosexual partners.

Well, if this is a same-sex couple we’re discussing then even more make sure the non-birthing partner has legal issues wrapped up, especially if they’re not getting or not able to get married.

“Assisted reproduction” is basically anything other than penis-in-vagina-leading-to-conception-and-baby. So… sperm donation, egg donation, in vitro fertilization, fertility drugs, surrogates, etc. etc.

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Oh- I was assuming hets, too.

So, my friends (two females) recently underwent some assistance, too. The used Clomid and donor sperm from California Cryo. The were successful on their second attempt.

They married (not legal in our state) in a religious ceremony, saw an attorney to tangle up all their affairs and get Powers of Atty, etc., bought a house, made a baby, and then went back to the attorney to have the non-child-bearing spouse adopt the child. They plan that when the baby is two (she just turned one), that the other mom will try for a baby.

I’ve been very impressed with the steps they have taken to protect their little family.

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Glad I’m not the only one who thought this!
I imagined a doctor looking remarkably like a bored Peter Sellers in green scrubs pushing some guy’s butt cheeks while he does the deed.

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The OP is in the UK, IIRC. This raises the question: Have you thought about where to have it done?

In the UK, I think the wait time for donor sperm is 18-24 months. In your late 30s, are you willing to wait that long? Note too that donation in the UK is not anonymous, in case that matters to you one way or another.

If you go elsewhere, be very careful to research local law. Belgium is the destination of choice for a lot of European fertility treatment, but I do not know how their laws extend to same-sex couples. In the US, many states have almost no law governing assisted reproduction, so the legal relationships among donor and recipients can be uncomfortably vague without proper planning. On the other hand, my state has an excellent and thorough statute covering assisted reproduction, but it does not recognize same-sex marriage and so, by extension, might not recognize a same-sex partner as an intended parent.

Obviously, too, if you go outside the UK, these procedures can be extremely expensive, and you should get a rough estimate before you proceed.

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Thanks for the responses, guys. Perhaps I should have mentioned that we’re a same-sex couple, but it didn’t occur to me since I was focusing on hearing other peoples’ experiences, straight, gay, IUI, IVF, anything like that. I’ll look up those Ask The threads, thanks.

FWIW we’re pretty safe when it comes to legal rights - all I have to do is go along to the registry office with my partner, put my name on the birth certificate and ta-da, I have legal rights and responsibilities. If we were married or civil partnered then even that wouldn’t be necessary. We do intend to get married, but are using savings for baby-making first, because that’s more time-dependant. No need for lawyers over here.

To our extreme surprise everything’s going pretty quickly and easily so far in terms of referrals and waiting times. It’ll be clomid and IUI; there don’t seem to be any fertility issues, at least not from the tests done so far. We’ve already had counselling, but TBH it’s a bit different for lesbian couples - no issues with when to tell the child how they were conceived, for a start.

There might not be donor sperm available in the UK, but we’re allowed to import it from certain clinics abroad - we might actually end up using the Californian one, funnily enough - and have it inseminated at the clinic here, no need to go abroad ourselves. They’re still not anonymous (they can’t be under UK law even if they’re imported) but I prefer that anyway. It costs more, but way less than I expected - about £500 to get several batches of sperm imported at once (less if it’s from Europe) and a couple of hundred quid for each IUI attempt. IVF would cost a lot more, but hopefully we won’t get to that point.

My GF’s the one having the baby (as mentioned in the OP) so time isn’t quite as tight as if it were me doing it, but one of the reasons we’re getting started now is just in case it does take a long time.

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I was going to say, based on a friend’s experience, make sure you have all the legal papers ready before the baby is born. I seem to remember more than one paper regarding that, just to be completely covered that if something happened, her partner would be the one raising the baby. But if it is different and easier on the UK, good for you. Just double check it.

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My mother and her partner went through this process. IIRC they used clomid and IUI as well.

Based upon their experience a few additional things you might want to consider are issues that are common to all pregnancies but also a couple other legal issues specific to assisted reproduction but not limited to same sex relationships.

My mother’s partner carried the pregnancy. IIRC she conceived on the second round of treatment. The process can be emotionally grueling and financially stressful for those who require multiple rounds to conceive. How far are you willing and able to go in this regard? What if you reach the limit of insurance coverage?

Her pregnancy was determined to be an extremely high risk pregnancy due to two serious complications - placenta previa and abruption. Her doctor recommended she terminate. The stakes sometimes seem higher in an assisted reproduction pregnancy. Consider under what circumstances, if any, you and your partner may be willing to consider terminating the pregnancy. In the end my mother’s partner did not terminate, but she nearly bled to death during delivery.

They didn’t have citizenship issues, but some courts have been extremely weird in this area as the law has not caught up with the technology. If you are importing semen it is possible the child could have claim to citizenship from that other country. Laws of some countries follow the genetic relationship without regard to who the gestational parent is. That can even result in a child unable to claim the citizenship of its birth mother if donor eggs are used. Check it out if you feel any of such issues might be relevant.

Finally, consult a lawyer to absolutely confirm parental rights of both you and you partner. Do it for the benefit of your child. Take any steps you can (e.g. adoption even if it seems redundant) to remove any ambiguity or doubt. My mother and her partner split. Her partner refused to grant any contact with their child. The law backed her up. The legal landscape may be changing, but I’d still encourage you to err on the side of caution.

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Sam - I just started my own egg donation thread - we are just starting IVF with donor egg. Maybe I should have just posted to this thread. I don’t have much useful to offer though - JUST starting. In any case, hugs and good vibes to you and your partner. :slight_smile:

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This is good advice. There was a case in the news not that long ago about a lesbian partnership split and some of the complications of unrecognized legal partnerships.

The sperm donor answered an ad in the paper and signed away his parental rights. The couple later split. The bio mom applied for public assistance. To get assistance, one must identify the other parent in case child support is available (reducing states costs). The sperm donor was then identified and made responsible for child support because a parent cannot give away rights that belong to a child.

If you donor cannot be anonymous, perhaps things could come back to him at a later date. Does UK law allow same sex partners to register on birth certificates?

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You might think twice about your sperm donor.

I was reading where in one case this support group of women who have used a sperm donor service got together and - wow - they realized they had all essentially used the same sperm donor! (Although he was known only by his code number) I guess they all liked his profile.

So when it comes down to it their kids are technically going to be bio-siblings. Which down the road if a bunch of kids looking kind of alike find themselves in the same school could be awkward.

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Honestly guys, I do appreciate your concern, but I don’t need a lawyer. Like I said before, all I have to do is be there when the baby’s birth is registered and I can go down as parent 2 and have full legal rights and responsibilties. I can pass on my citizenship, sign forms, sue for access and be sued for money if we split up, etc. Obviously not being the birth mother would mean that in practice I’d have more difficulty suing for custody, but technically at least I’d have the right to.

And the sperm donor has no rights or responsibilities (WRT child support, citizenship or anything) because we’re going through a clinic. There’s also a limit on the number of familes a donor can create, so that’s not really a concern.

The donor can’t be anonymous, but what that means is he is in a registry and the child can contact them when they turn 18. He doesn’t have any legal rights or responsibilties to the child. He can’t sue for visitation, be sued for support, anything like that - he won’t even know of the child’s existence until he/she turns 18 and chooses to make contact.

We don’t have insurance; we’re paying for this ourselves. However, for IUI this is actually pretty cheap - I mentioned the costs above. Remember, we have the NHS. We only have to pay for a very small part of the actual costs; some people don’t have to pay at all.

Once we’ve attempted IUI several times we’d be eligible for IVF on the NHS, two rounds I think. The law on that keeps changing so I’m not going to look it up until (if) we need to.

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If the legal side is all sorted, than all I can do is wish you the best of British luck! I’ve done IVF for both our kids (3 rounds of ICSI for 2 kids, wonderful odds) and actually found the treatment pretty easy going, other than the bouncy ovaries (they get super big with egg stim and you can feel them move when you walk) and the nausea when recovering from the egg collection. If you’re going IUI most of that won’t be a factor.

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That’s great news, Sam! Best wishes to you both.

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15 years ago I had a baby conceived through IUI with CA Cryobank sperm. So far so good, for him, me, and his Other Mother. I have an Ask-the Thread somewhere in here about it…

Good luck!