Asterion and the Kitchen of Doom

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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Or, Asterion tries to clean his apartment. But you have to admit that the previous title sounds better.

So, after yet another night of cooking by himself for himself and spilling some of it on the floor (not to mention the mess on the stovetop), our intrepid hero decides that it is now the time ordained for cleaning the college apartment. (It also helps that our hero needs to do laundry and might as well get everything done at once.) He gets out the OrangeClean of OrangeGlo International and the Lysol of Reckitt Benckiser Inc. to clean the countertops, stovetop, and sink. Using his usual deft skill and wonderful cleaning instincts, all is clean within a matter of minutes. But a problem emerges! The Chlorox Bathroom Wipes with Teflon of The Chlorox Company, which he had been counting on to clean the bathroom, have dried out. Also, he is lacking something to clean the floors with. The answer? An expedition to the nearby City of Supplies, Weis.

After many trials and tribulations (plus a few stop signs), our hero arrives at Weis. Braving the halls and corridors (let this be a lesson never to go shopping near rush hour), Asterion obtains the powerful items Scrubbing Bubbles Bathroom Cleaner Lemon of S.C. Johnson & Son Inc. and Armstrong Concentrated Floor Cleaner of S.C. Johnson & Son Inc. After waiting in line and punching in an ancient, secret, code, Asterion departs Weis and returns to his apartment.

Things look easy from here on out for our hero. The sweeping of the floor is smooth. The Scrubbing Bubbles Bathroom Cleaner Lemon of S.C. Johnson & Inc. works as advertised on bathroom sink and toilet.

But wait! The landlord (the college) has not provided a bucket for the mop water. Using his swift thinking and sheer brilliance, Asterion seizes upon an unused wastebasket. Our hero fills it up with water, adds an approximate amount of the Armstrong Concentrated Floor Cleaner of S.C. Johnson & Son Inc., and reaches for the mop.

Ugh! A sponge mop. Why did it have to be a sponge mop? Well, it’ll do, but Asterion doesn’t like it. Our hero, after all, is never one for allowing a personal dislike to get in the way of success. Making matters worse, the sponge mop requires squeezing the sponge directly using a metal thingie attached next to the sponge. Despite our hero’s best efforts, mop water gets all over his hands. However, our hero continues, and the cleaning is done in a matter of minutes. It is over. Asterion has successfully beaten the evil apartment!

[end credits]

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:: script overview, currently in production ::

Our intrepid heroine, with the patience of Job, the determination of Odysseus, the tenacity of a Rottweiler/Pit Bull mix, and the attention span of a gnat, attempts to dig through the layers of papers, science books, homeless glassware and unmarked and unalbumed photographs to discover its secret: the actual color of the tablecloth beneath. Or even if there is one on the table at all.

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Sounds strangely similar to my masterpiece-in-waiting:

Kallessa and the Room with No Floor

In a heart-wrenching tale of junk mail, seasonal catalogues run amok and an overabundance of magazine subscriptions, Kallessa faces the fact that her living room floor has disappeared. This throws her into a whirlwind of uncertainty. What color was the carpet? Or did she have hardwood floors? Was there ever a floor there? What’s keeping her furniture up? More importantly, where is the
furniture? It too, seems to have disappeared, leaving piles of laundry (clean) (mostly) where it once was placed. And did she ever have a cat?

Kallassa contemplated canceling continued collections, confounded by contemptuous conformity, but cast a cathartic campaign of cleansing instead.

Aided by her friends, the invisible Mr. Ought-to and the persnickity Blenda Banes, Kallessa recycles enough junk mail to save sevensequoias, orders birthday and Christmas gifts through the year 2012 and clips four hundred and ninety-two useful tips and great recipies out of the magazines, which she will keep for six years without ever touching again befoe she throws them out along with her fifth-grade report on Iceland and a very old package of condoms.

The existence of the cat remains a mystery.