Are you trying to pick a fight or something? IMHO, your attitude is out of line.
I wasn’t addressing you particularly when I made my post. There seems to be a LOT of confusion in this thread over you meaning “one” and you meaning “the specific person I am addressing” (MT isn’t helping by not attributing quotes IMO.) I agree “fair enough” people can date who the heck the want. But the opening post used a pejorative to describe the person who lives at home. I guess to the opening posts question
We could answer- NO and NO. False dichotomy. Not everyone whol lives with parents is a loser, and not everyone who puts a high value on physical independence from ones parents has unrealistic expectations. Maybe I’m too polyanna, but I think calling specific people losers or materialistic is helpfull, or reasonable. At this point is there anyone here who really doesn’t think that
- not everyone who lives with their parents is automatically a loser,
- living away from ones parents will help develop certain skills
- People are going to date who they want, and some won’t date people who live with their parents.
What kind of crack are you smoking, seriously? It is not by definition possible to live with your parents under their roof and not be relying upon them for care or livelihood. “Relying” doesn’t indicate that you can’t find your own housing and take care of yourself, just that you aren’t doing so.
And if you rent, you aren’t relying upon your landlord for care and livelihood, since you signed a contract making you responsible for paying rent. The only person you are relying upon is yourself to make enough money to keep you sheltered. If you fail at that, you lose your shelter.
Regardless, the burden is on you to prove your assertion that living at home doesn’t preclude you from being independent, and so far you have failed spectacularly at that, instead choosing to nit-pick others arguments without offering anything substantial yourself.
Yaknow all that crap around the house that you use - the TV you watch, the laundry machine you use to make your sheets all nice and soft, the refridgerator you grab food from, the furniture you sit on?
You probably didn’t buy any of it did you?
You think that because you pay your cell phone bill, going out money and maybe give a token rent to your folks you’re financial “independent”. We are telling you that you are living in Fantasyland.
Find out how much a local appartment costs to rent and figure out how much it will cost to furnish it and we’ll talk.
I think there’s also the fact that living with your parents provides an implicit safety net; sure, you’re theoretically “responsible” for accomplishing certain things, but you are ultimately shielded from the real consequences should you fail.
If you live on your own, and you can’t make the rent, you’re going to be asked to hit the bricks. What? You had car trouble and you can’t both pay for the expensive repairs and make the rent? Wow, sorry to hear that. So you’ll be moving out Friday, then?
Your parents are not going to put you on the street if you fail to pay your rent. They’re just not.
If you live alone, and you go two weeks without cleaning the bathroom because you don’t have time, it will get nasty in there. It will smell and look dirty. Anyone who comes to your house will think you’re gross.
If you live at home, and don’t clean the bathroom, your mom will do it, and it will be clean.
Live alone and can’t afford a nice TV? Learn to play solitaire.
Live at home and can’t afford a TV? Well, dad bought a 56-inch plasma last year and it sits in the living room, and it’s not like he’s going to mind if you watch with him.
Note that I am very definitely not saying that a given person living at home can’t make the rent, clean the bathroom, or buy a nice TV. They may do all of those things and more. But there is a safety, there is an out, there is a backup that doesn’t exist (except in obvious emergencies) when you live alone.
That’s a great post, storyteller0910. Your points are all very valid ones…being independent isn’t just about handing a few hundred bucks to your parents every month. Running a household, buying the things needed for a household, paying the bills, etc., are all part of being an adult and learning to take care of yourself. Knowing where your mom keeps the toliet paper stash is a lot different from having to keep track of it yourself, and buy it when the stash is low, you know?
My argument isn’t up my sleeve, it’s all over this thread. Specifically, it was in my last post but one – the longer post that you ignored.
Yeah, that OP was originally a really long post to this thread, then I realized it was too much of a hijack so I posted it as its own thread. I hope no one thinks that I believe that everyone who still lives with their parents is a leech. I definitely think that it’s possible to live at home and contribute to the household equally, but due to societal norms that person might have to prove that he or she is responsible more than a person who is financially independent, especially after the age of oh let’s say 25.
But, as long as you have parents who would take you in, doesn’t that safety net still exist? If I couldn’t pay my rent and got evicted, or if I couldn’t pay to fix my car, I might crash on a friend’s couch for a week or two, and I might bum rides or take the bus for a while, but sooner or later I’d end up back at my parents’ house or asking them to cosign on a new car loan.
As far as I can tell, the only thing that makes that safety net really unavailable is living so far away from one’s parents that it’s impractical to return. So, am I shielded from responsibility if I live in the same city as my parents? Am I less independent if I live only an hour or so away, rather than across the state? Even if I lived on the other side of the world, my parents still could (and would, I’m sure) wire me money if I needed it.
The difference is that if you live at home people assume that you’ve already been caught by the safety net.
I agree with Throatwarbler Mangrove that living with one’s parents is a lifestyle choice that can be made without being a loser. It implies certain economic, social, and famillal values that aren’t common in mainstream America, but also aren’t wrong. Many of you seem to be arguing that most people living with their parents are leeches or socially retarded. I agree with you, and I think that Throatwarbler does too. But that fact doesn’t invalidate his point that it’s quite possible to live with one’s parents for good reasons.
I disagree with the idea that one must pay full market rent in order not to be considered a leech. For one, there’s a risk premium included in the market rent cost that doesn’t apply in this case. My parents know and trust me enough that they know I’m not going to be inconsiderate, or steal things, or lawyer up if they ask me to move out, or any of the many other things that renters can do to make life misery for landlords. Frankly, my parents, nearing their 60’s, are unlikely to be willing to take on that risk for an unknown 20-something at any reasonable price, so I’m not competing against the opportunity cost of another renter in my place; that simply wouldn’t happen.
My parents know that I’d help around the house, that I’d be involved in the family. I’d be an asset, not a liability. There’s a lot more to consider than the amount of cash that changes hands monthly.
To anyone who’s claiming that paying a penny less than full market rent qualifies as being a leech or taking advantage: When I go home and help clear the leaves out of the gutters, or run wires under the house, or put a new gate on the fence (all things I’ve done for my parents that are no longer easy for them to do, physically), are my parents taking advantage of me by not paying me full independent contractor rates?
I’m not calling anyone a leech, but I will counter that your argument here holds no water. Presumably your parents paid to feed, clothe, shelter, educate, and entertain you for the first 18 years or so of your life. Those are debts you can never repay, nor do most parents expect you to. Consequently, however, they do not need to pay you to clean out their gutters. By the same token, there should come a time when you no longer need for them to supply or subsidize your earthly needs and wants. This is why you move out and take care of your own deal, so they can enjoy their golden years without having to prop up a grown child. From your position of self-sufficiency, if your parents need their walk shoveled or a gate put in, you do it with a smile on your face, out of respect and consideration.
I certainly don’t expect my parents to pay me to shovel their walk, but I think that your reasoning is in agreement with my general point: There is more to determining whether an arrangment is equitable than counting the dollars that change hands.
My parents took care of me when I was young because I wasn’t capable of taking care of myself. I’ll take care of them when they’re old if they are in need of it. In between, at different times, we may each end up helping out in different ways, and we may discover that we can do so better by sharing a living space.
I’m unconvinced that I’ll never be able to repay the debt of my upbringing, either. My three parents (Dad remarried) are rapidly approaching retirement age, and I’m their only child. While I’d love to believe that their investments will be sufficient for their retirement, I fear they will not. If I were to move back in with any of them, I have a feeling that whatever amount I pay in rent will be insgnificant compared to the expense of supporting them in their old age.
I could only stand to live with my parents for about 6 months after college. They’re great parents, but I was just itching for independence in spite of my lousy job situation.
I moved out, unsure of whether I’d be able to afford living on my own. Within a week, I found a decent-paying full-time job. Maybe it was just coincidental, but it instilled in me the philosophy that seizing independence is the only way to really jump start your life, and necessity begets progress.
On the other hand, I’m a little envious of my friends who lived at home for half a decade, then bought a nice house. They’re definitely making up for lost time in the snooty girl department. 
When clients grumble about having to pay child support for adult children who are still more or less in college, I hand them a copy of the law in our jurisdiction:
Most get the point – that with resect to support, once a family always a family, so suck it up. Some, however, get reallly excited about the prospect of being able to sue their kids someday.
It is not uncommon (at least where I live) for parents to assist their kids by making down payments (or even full payments) for homes when the kids get married. A lot of parents want the best for their children, thus they drive them to activities as youngsters, help them get a car as teenagers, help them pay for school as young adults, help them pay for a home when they marry, and help care for the grandchildren when they come along. As they age, their kids take care of them. It’s how a lot of families work – as families rather than as individuals, and when everyone in a family does his or her best to pitch in, it is a wonderful way of living and a wonderful way of giving.
You don’t need to slog three miles up hill in a snowstorm to snare a rat for dinner in your cardboard box under the expressway to mature into a responsible adult. Simply getting up each day and doing your best will suffice. Some folks come from economic circumstances where the young must leave the nest early. Others come from economic circumstances where the young get a head-start through subsidization of education and accommodation. There is no reason to sling derision at either one.
I’m 26 and I live with my mother. I’m very, very unhappy about the situation and am trying desperately to change it as quickly as possible. For various reasons we were forced to shut down our family business, a restaurant, in November, and I wasn’t able to afford living on my own after that. I’ve been trying to find a second job (I do some telecommuting stuff that pays a pittance) and have been so far unsuccesful, partially due to the fact that the economy in this area essentially freezes during winter.
Considering how much I hate this situation, I’d find it unfathomable that someone else could like it for any other reason than the “safety net”, but obviously some people do. Still, I wouldn’t feel comfortable dating someone who lived with their parents unless perhaps they were living there as a caregiver. I’ve got bigger things to worry about than dating right now, like getting enough money to get my own place. I’d wonder about someone who lived with their parents and was looking to date. It’d feel too high school to me and would be rather uncomfortable. I was troubled enough when I was living on my own and my mother once called me in the middle of a date.
My opinion is clearly largely colored by the fact that I’m greatly disgusted with my current living situation, though. I have a hard time respecting myself, and would probably project that onto others.