At what age are you considered a loser if you still live at home?

In My Humble Opinion
121

You can lead a horse to water, etc.

His parents just don’t have it in them to give him the boot, despite it obviously being the best solution.

The ironic thing is that the dad spent his career as a hatchet man, so if anyone knows how to show someone the door, he does.

I just shake my head. I feel very sorry for my friends, not so much because they have this loser in their retirement nest (in all honesty, hearing complaints about not being able to romp about the house due to the adult son being home makes me laugh), but because they appear not to have it within themselves to throw him out of their nest despite his being quite able to take care of himself.

122

To me, once you are out of college for a few years and have any sort of job, living with your parents is code for:

“I like Mommy to do my laundry, and when I move out, I’ll have my wife do the same.”

or

“I really like my parents…really like them…do you mind if they come along on the honeymoon?”

or

“I prioritize my spending to put me first. Mom and Dad let me live there free or cheap, and I can spend more on myself”

None of these are good.

The good ones are:

"I’m saving for a house (grad school, whatever) and Mom and Dad are letting me live here to save some cash.

and

“My parents are ill and need some help.”

123

Too late!!

It’s not really about satisfying a bunch of random strangers. It’s about satisfying yourself and hopefully that specific, as yet unmet, stranger you want to date.
IMHO, without the many valid excuses listed here (sick parents, old world cultural upbringing, etc), someone who lives at home past 25 better impress the hell out of me in a lot of other ways to not be considered a sponging loser. If they do impress me, I’ll just say sponging.

124

I do my own laundry. I don’t expect anyone to pick up after me.

I like my parents, but my social life does not include them to the extent that you’ve given.

That last comment can be attributed to anyone living with their folks, minus the ones caring for them if one or both are ill. Schooling? That could be considered a selfish priority for ones self, yes? Schooling seems to be accepted by many, but it’s possible you folks that did schooling while living at home could be considered losers by those who had live on their own AND who had to pay for their own schooling, AND had to have a full time job. I’m not saying it, just that it’s possible that it could be said.

125

If the labels of this thread don’t apply to you, Parental, why don’t you just ignore them? You may very well be the exception to the rule (you and the other baby birds in this thread); the people who are calling other people losers are doing so from personal experience. If your experience is different, good for you (and I do mean that).

126

I don’t think it’s shallow at all for Girl not to want to date a guy who lives with his mother. It’s not sexy, and I think it’s awkward as all hell. Honestly, think about it-- would you want to get out of bed with a guy, sex sweat still drying on you, and walk to the bathroom… then accidentally bump into his mother? Ick. Alternately (and also annoying), never be able to spend the night anywhere but at your place? That gets into other odd issues, like, if he spends all this time at your house, should he be contributing to food, cleaning up, etc? Or is he just a guest? Esp. if you can’t or don’t feel comfortable hanging out at his house, having sex there, stuff like that. Makes for a good deal of negotiation, possibly inequity and tension in a relationship.

People who are so stridently arguing that it’s totally fine to stay at your parents’ home indefinitely and anyone who wouldn’t want to date you in that situation is shallow, please consider that everyone has criteria by which they chose their mates. Girl is entitled not to want to date someone who lives at home, citing a lack of independence, a lack of privacy, or personal discomfort with the arrangement. These are perfectly valid reasons, and it’s better for her not to get invested rather than have it be an issue later about which they fight.

I moved out at 17, spent 2 summers at home after that at my parents’ insistence, and would never live at home again unless the only alternative was a cardboard box. I love my dad and get along with him, but I want to be surrounded by my own things, feel comfortable living as I choose, and deal with life as I see fit. I have dated men who lived at home and it has been a big problem in every case. Wouldn’t do it again, esp. since I’m freakin’ 35.

127

Sure, as long as you understand that me not having my own house isn’t any greater a failing than me not owning a Ferrari - I don’t NEED either, and maybe I just don’t like Ferraris, eh? If that’s the “criteria” you must use to judge people, then so be it.

128

Well, how old are you? And do you mean “own your own house” or just have your own place, even renting? Because IMO there’s a huge difference between a person who is 25+ and doesn’t have his/her own place (why not?) and a person who can’t afford an expensive car, and wouldn’t want one if he/she could. Sure you don’t NEED to live apart from your parents, but people may evaluate you differently if you choose not to. Some people WILL see that as a failing if you don’t have a reasonable explanation for it. Is that judgmental? Sure. But not unreasonably so, IMO.

129

One of the problems with living at home with an adult is that it can enable some very destructive tendencies.

I had a friend who lived at home, and who couldn’t hold a job. He’d get a job, and be rolling in money for a while (not having many expenses). If the job got hard, or he got in a disagreement with his boss, it was too easy to just say ‘screw it’, and quit. He knew it wasn’t the end of the world. He might get yelled at by the parents, or he’d make up an excuse for quitting. Then he’d live off his cash for a while, and once it was out he’d sponge off the parents. Then they’d demand he look for work. So he would, half-heartedly. Eventally, he’d find another job. And within six months he’d find another excuse to quit.

Then he started buying things. A car loan, a stereo, etc. Now suddenly he couldn’t ‘afford’ to move out. His job didn’t pay enough for rent and the car. That was his new excuse for staying at home. And the job quitting pattern continued. I left the city around when he was still living at home, so I have no idea how it turned out, whether he ever got his life straightened out. But by the time I left, he was depressed, convinced that he couldn’t find a job that he liked and that would support him. He called himself a loser. And he was. But his parents were enablers of his loserdom.

At the same time, I had equally horrible jobs. But quitting was never an option. I had no choice but to work. Faced with that harsh reality, I went back to school, working evenings and weekends to pay my way through. Had he been forced to live on his own, the ‘easy way out’ would have been blocked, and he would have been forced to be responsible and to confront the reality of his situation. Instead, he just learned to duck and hide behind his parents.

That doesn’t mean everyone is the same. I’m sure there are plenty of people who live at home who could move out tomorrow and be just fine, and who are more responsible with their money and jobs than 80% of the people. Just as there are people who move out and never properly learn to take care of themselves and wind up bouncing through life from bankruptcy to bankruptcy, eviction to eviction, divorce to divorce. So you have to be careful not to assume everyone who lives at home is a loser, or that everyone who left home early is a model of responsibility.

Also… It’s not just about living at home. I’ve also had friends who lived alone and were equally irresponsible because their parents still bailed them out. Blow the rent money partying, and call mom and dad for a cheque. That’s also enabling a lot of dysfunction. A friend of mine was horribly irresponsible, lost his house for non-payment of the mortgage, and also bounced from job to job because his parents kept ‘helping’ him, so he never had that sense that if he screwed up he was going to crash hard. When his parents died and the safety net went away, it was amazing how much more responsible he became.

130

Not living with your parents is the same as owning a Ferrari? Really? That’s the equation you’ve come up with, that living on your own is the same as owning a ridiculously expensive car that is out of the financial reach of most regular foks? Wow, what a bad analogy. Yeah, that attitude would make you undateable in my book. It’s absurd. I don’t find faulty logic sexy :wink: or transparent excuse-making, for that matter. You’re not doing your side of this argument any favors with this kind of rationale.

131

Come on, am I the only person who sees the obvious solution here? Romp around anyway! The son will be gone within a week.

132

And that’s totally correct. No, I’m not entirely satisfied with my life, but it’s getting there, and if it takes a little longer than most, so be it.

(I’m more pissed right now about the possible bus cuts in my area. Especially as it looks like my plans for starting to drive have been postponed, goddammit.)

133

As far as I’m concerned this is precisely right. If you’re 25 but going to medical school, by all means stay at home.

If you’re 20, and have been out of high school two years and you aren’t going to school anymore, grow up, for Christ’s sake. I mean, Jesus, have some pride.

134

Can you please point out where anyone has said that it’s totally fine to stay indefinitely with one’s parents? I don’t recall seeing that in anyone’s posts.

135

. . . Which actually underscores a point I already made, which is that pretty much everyone concedes that, at least in American culture, there’s something faintly loser-ish for an adult to live with his/her parents. It’s just that those of you who do think the age at which loserville kicks in is older than however old you are.

136

Well, and there is the “why are you asking” question.

I really don’t give a damn if some guy who works for me lives in his parent’s basement - if he shows up and does his job, his living arrangements are none of my business - whatever works for him.

In the context of the OP, someone was getting set up on a date. If someone is setting me up with an adult who still lives with his parents - been there, done that, have the tshirt - don’t need to do that again. You know, there may be some guy out there (and I’ve been married a LONG time now, not exactly in the market) who wouldv’e meet my dating needs when I was single and lived with Mom and Dad - but its creepy to spend the night at your boyfriends and run into his mom in the morning, even if he can do his own laundry and doesn’t call Mom after you are married to discuss what color to paint the bedroom.

137

Maybe they haven’t said the word “indefinitely,” but I’ve seen a lot of lame justifications about how it’s just until they can buy a house or whatever. I don’t see much difference. It’s still life-avoidant and entitled. waiting around to “save up for a house,” is still using someone else to serve your own ends. It still amounts to not wanting to do things for yourself and expecting mommy and daddy to take care of you long enough so that you never have to pay any dues. Maybe those of us who have lived off ramen noodles in shitty apartments, flat broke, waiting a week for the next paycheck and then having our cars take a shit on us in the middle of winter and having to find a way to handle things all by ourselves with no help from mommy (without even considering the thought of asking them) have a hard time seeing “I’m saving up for a house” as anything but soft.

It might sound crazy to anyone who hasn’t gone through it, but that kind of edge of the abyss, scraping poverty is a POSITIVE experience. I’m grateful for it. When I was in my early 20’s, I had moments where I was THIS CLOSE to homelessness, but I always found a way to squeak things out. I made it on my own. I did what I had to do. I pawned my guitars, I sold blood, I sold my TV and stereo. I made it to the next paycheck. I got by. I worked two or three jobs at a time and got myself through college. I eventually supported my wife while she got her Masters Degree. I’m proud of that. It gave me character. It gave me resolve. It gave me resourcefulness. It made me grow up and made me grateful for everything I have now. So yeah, I don’t have that much admiration for people who expect to be taken care of long enough that they never have to work their way up from anything. I don’t see living with one’s parents to save up enough money so as to avoid ever having to live uncomfortably as “practical.” I see it as entitled and soft and childish.

138

I’m curious, are women less likely to date men who live with their parents than men are to date women who live with their parents?

139

I think that is true, but good luck finding a poll on it.

Jim

140

Dio: I could have written the same message. I am baffled how we can disagree so vehemently on politics and hold almost exactly the same opinions on everything else. I’m thinking evil twin. Not sure which one is the evil one, though.