My son is going into middle school this year. Middle school (as one might expect) has no after school care, so because my husband and I both work, the plan is to let him come home, give us a call or send us a text, and stay by himself for an hour or so every day until we can get home with his 7 year old sister (whose school DOES have childcare).
One of my co-workers is absolutely horrified by this idea. According to them, if I can’t find a sitter, as my kids’ mom I should either work from home full time, find a new job or quit working entirely. They don’t feel that kids should stay by themselves until they’re ideally 16 years old regardless of maturity or what ground rules are already in place.
In my somewhat addled brain, if the kid is ok with being home alone, it seems like you’re doing them a bit of a disservice by not letting them learn how to manage themselves. But google tells me that children are to be watched like hawks until they graduate college because apparently they cannot be trusted.
Since I trust my fellow dopers much more than I trust google, tell me…at what age were you/are you/do you think you’ll be comfortable leaving your kids alone at home?
In Minnesota, the cutoff for required child care is 13. Unless the child is special needs, a parent cannot qualify for child care assistance when s/he turns 13.
That’s how I looked at it for my child. Of course, we began when she was 11, leaving her home for an hour here/there, teaching her how to cook simple snacks, teaching her how to handle possible emergencies. By the time she was 13, she was fine being home by herself after school for a few hours. Rules were well known (call when home, no friends over unless okayed beforehand, that kind of stuff). It worked out fine.
I was home by myself for short periods (more than an hour but not overnight) by the time I was 9, and maybe younger. My son was about the same age. I think middle school is a perfectly acceptable age to be a latchkey kid.
You should ask yourself, how mature/responsible is your son for his age? Are there any family members, friends, or neighbors close enough by that he could go to if there was a problem? If he does stay by himself, have ground rules, for example no friends when we aren’t home. I think the age you are talking about a lot really depends on the individual child. Has he been home alone before? If not, can you do some test runs this summer? You said it would be about an hour. How about leaving him home alone during the summer for 20 minutes, half an hour, etc. When we thought our daughter was getting old enough to be home alone, that’s what we did at first.
Maryland law says 8 is old enough and when my son was 8 I started leaving him home alone for short periods of time.
I think it depends on the child but he was more than capable of staying home by himself for a short time at that age.
I was 12 or 13 when my mother went back to work, and not only was I home without supervision but I was responsible for watching my younger sister, and having dinner on the table when my parents came home.
I loved it.
My sister would come home, drop off her books and run to a friend’s house. I had the whole house to myself, didn’t have to share the phone, could blast my stereo as loud as I wanted.
All I had to do was peel some potatoes to mash and make up a meatloaf or or fry some pork chops or something.
Plus there is a sense of pride in being entrusted to take charge of the house, even if only for a few hours, and in preparing a meal for the family. Made me feel like an adult.
We did it gradually, starting from when our son (a very trustworthy, sensible child) was 7 or 8. The first time, we made sure he knew how to call us, and we simply took a short walk to the store and back - so we were gone for about 20 minutes. (He called us about 10 minutes after we left to report “a strange noise.” It was very cute.)
We lengthened the time he was alone, as well as the immediacy with which we would be able to get back to the house, gradually.
Entering middle school, so he’s going into 6th grade? He’s 11 or 12? I’d say that’s acceptable, if he’s a responsible kid otherwise. i.e. if you trust that the worst thing he’s going to do in your absence is look for porn, you’re good to go.
I would suggest making sure there’s always snacks and meals available, so he isn’t tempted to try to make creme brulee or lasagna or something before you get home.
For my experience, we had no problem letting our 12 year old daughter stay home alone for 3 hours between the end of school and first parent to get home. A year later, same thing with the now 13 year old and her 11 year old sister. Never any problems, beyond phone calls of the “Sister has been watching TV for the past 2 hours and won’t let me pick a show!” variety.
ETA: Make sure there’s a list of numbers for him to call & text, and absolutely make sure that at least for the first few weeks you watch your phone like a hawk, and respond instantly to him. Once he’s comfortable that you are paying attention, any anxiety he has should subside.
I remember going to my first movie alone. It was Snoopy Come Home, and I had to take two buses to get there, and call my Mom on the way there and back.
I was nine years old. I had been staying home alone for certain periods of time for about two years at that point.
There was only one rule that I remember. Do NOT let anyone into the house. One day, my aunt came over for a surprise visit, and I would not let her into the house.
I don’t understand all the panic today about kids being on their own for awhile. Are kids today assumed to be idiots or something?
My parents started leaving me for a couple of hours by myself when I was about 9, and I was home alone all day on days off from school starting around 6th grade (so 11). And this was not all that long ago in a different era or anything (I’m 29) and my parents were by no means relaxed or loosey-goosey.
I was not allowed to answer the door or the phone and could not have anybody over or go anywhere out of the yard.
It was totally fine. Maybe some kids are not quite mature enough at 11 if they are forgetful or impulsive or make poor decisions, but 16 is ridiculous and if a child is truly not capable of taking care of themselves at that age, something deeper is wrong. In fact, I would say by 13-14 I would be concerned. What, is the first time your kid is unsupervised supposed to be when he gets his driver’s license? Your coworker sounds like a helicopter.
Now, kids + friends are another matter. The group IQ often seems to drop in those cases. I was never allowed to hang out at my house or another friend’s house with a group of kids if there wasn’t an adult around. And my parents didn’t leave me alone if there were contractors or repairmen coming to our house, even when I was in high school. But after school for an hour? I think your plan sounds totally normal and reasonable.
I can remember being at home alone all day during the summer months. I even cooked my own meals when they were gone.
My mother’s father passed away at a young age. She had to take on the role of “home maker” while her mother worked. So at the ripe old age of 11, she was looking after her two young brothers which included cooking the family’s meals, doing laundry and house cleaning.
A lot of these values she learned at a young age, she instilled on us. Growing up, we cleaned our own bedrooms, did our own laundry, and with the exception of Sundays, we cooked our own meals.
I realize these days you can’t get away with leaving a child alone at eight years old, still though, I’m thankful for the experience and appreciate the values I was taught.
Thanks! We’ve actually been “practicing” since last year. Fortunately, that’s given us time to set some clear ground rules and boundaries, though as you note, typically we’ve left him alone for 30 or so minutes rather than a full hour or more.
As my son has gotten older, it’s surprised me how little people allow their kids to do. I’ve gotten flak in the past for allowing my son to walk to his friends’ houses by himself (they’re down the hill less than 1/10th of a mile away) or for meeting them at the park three blocks away to play basketball. It seems like the expectation now is that your middle schoolers be treated like they’re in elementary school. I may need to stop reading those mom boards, aka hotbeds for the judgy.
And assuming you do make the perfectly normal decision to leave your kid at home, don’t tell your coworker. If she asks, just tell her it’s all worked out. And obviously, don’t confide any other information about your kids to her, like the time you let your children have ice cream for dessert 2 nights in a row.
It was the same when I was a kid - I think by the time I was 16, I was even allowed to stay home alone for the weekend when my mom went to visit friends in northern Indiana. And I loved it, too - it was awesome to eat whatever garbage I wanted to (I also had a job) and slob around watching whatever I wanted.
Whereas with my kids, apparently the fact that I require that both of them (son, 11 and daughter, 7) use an alarm, get themselves out of bed and make their own breakfasts (pouring cereal into a bowl & adding milk or warming up a muffin in the microwave) before school is nothing short of cruelty.
Kids who are able to catch a bus to school alone are also able to be home alone for a few hours while the adults get home from work, in my experience. YMMV.
(She did fine, was a real good kid, never any trouble.)
I was declared old enough to take my brothers to the movies by myself at age 10 (thankfully they were quite well-behaved). Previously we had been left home by ourselves a few times, on Saturday nights when our parents had a celebration with friends, and one of my tasks on many afternoons had been opening the door for my brothers when they got home from school (same school, but I wasn’t on the bus so I was faster).
By the time I was allowed to spend a whole night all alone by myself for real, I was already 13, but before that there had been many afternoons and nights of being in care of two little boys; more if either or both had friends visiting. Did I mention I’m very glad they were quite well-behaved?
The Nephew is starting ESO next year; that’s 7th grade, and he gets to change schools. His mother wanted him to still be walked to school and back, but she’s gotten such a shitstorm from every parent she knows (including her own mother) that she seems to have relented somewhat. The new school is across the street from the old one, it’s not like he doesn’t know the way. She’s a control freak, though. In our small town of some 35K people, she’s one of the runners for Helicopter Parent of the Minute (hour, day, week…) at any given time.
For our kids they were mature enough to be home alone by the time they were 9. Back when the world was far more dangerous, I was a latchkey kid around the age of 7 and had my first job at 11. Middle school is certainly old enough for any kid who isn’t dealing with developmental challenges.
When our daughter was 9, she was responsible for getting herself to the school bus in the morning and back to the house from the bus - the bus stop was 4 houses down from ours. I got home from work about an hour after she got home. She did just fine.
I’ve known kids who couldn’t be trusted to do that much as teens, but I like to think we taught her to be independent from an early age.