I’m very open with people about the fact that I’ve had a gastric bypass. I tell total strangers, when the question comes up (for example, when shopping for clothes and asked what size I need, I tell them I’ve lost considerable weight recently and don’t know what size I am anymore, and then they usually ask how I did it…or when someone questions why my driver’s license looks nothing like me…) and anyone who knows me and comments on the change in my appearance gets an explanation if they ask.
But I’ve just met a new guy through match.com, and we are meeting for a drink this week. He’s seen my picture (just a headshot) and we’ve talked on the phone about food and drink we like. I do not plan on telling him before we meet face-to-face, because I don’t want him to be influenced by my past size. I want him to take me or leave me as I am now. Everyone around me is always telling me how great I look now, but that is just in comparison to how awful I looked 95 pounds ago. I want to see if someone can be attracted to me as I am now.
The problem is that I really shouldn’t even have a glass of wine if I’m going to be driving, especially when not accompanied by food. I metabolize alcohol differently now, and one drink pretty much knocks me silly. So I will be having something non-alcoholic, and I can imagine that he will ask why, since we’ve talked about what kind of wine we like, and I was having some last night when he called. I imagine that he will be surprised if I can’t handle even one drink. He makes his living asking questions (he’s a trial attorney) and he has not been hesitant about asking me things. My original plan involved meeting for coffee (which I also don’t drink, but that’s easier to avoid) but meeting for a drink changes things.
If he asks me out on a regular date after this, I plan to bring it up in the interest of full disclosure. But until he indicates he’s interested enough to date me, I don’t want him envisioning me fat. I’m not skinny yet, but I’m more in the normal range. I just don’t know if he will be interested enough in me at my present weight. But I feel he will need an explanation about why I can or cannot eat certain things (and I don’t want him thinking I’m some picky, finicky eater because of some personality problem) and I don’t know how much to tell him at first.
So guys, would you be turned off if you found out that a woman you were somewhat interested in had had gastic bypass surgery? Or even if she had lost considerable weight (we’re talking a whole fourth-grader here!) through conventional means? Should I tell him upfront, or wait until he’s truly hooked? He’s already expressed a lot of curiousity about my past relationships, and the overweight thing played a huge factor there!
I’d tell him fairly quickly but it doesn’t have to be on the first night unless it comes up naturally in conversation. As for the wine, just don’t order any and say that you aren’t in the mood for wine but that he should feel free in imbibe.
I think that this is less of a big deal than you think.
I honestly can’t see why it would turn him off. If the subject comes up tell him. You could just say you prefer not to drink at all when you are driving. I either stop after one drink or don’t drink at all if I’m driving, so it’s not like that’s a really weird thing. I imagine a lot of people do that. If he’s interested enough the fact that you had gastric bypass surgery shouldn’t matter at all. If, for some reason, it seems to bother him seems to me it’d be best to know up front rather than after several dates.
Good luck kittenblue. It sounds like this surgery is something you’ve wanted for a while and that you really feel good about yourself now. Good for you.
Personally I can’t imagine why anyone’s having had a gastric bypass should be a problem for anyone. I would think anyone who did have a problem with it was a little weird anyway.
Kitten, I tell people that I don’t drink ‘for medical reasons other than addiction’. (Bad idea given my oral meds for diabetes). No one ever questions it.
Regarding dinner, I wouldn’t bring it up off the bat unless he’s trying to get you to eat something that won’t agree with you. I would tell him that you’re a light eater, so he shouldn’t take it personally. My reasoning for holding back is not because you’ve had a bypass and lost weight, but rather you shouldn’t let him in on a lot of personal info on the first date.
If I was in his position and found out you had a bypass and weight loss, it wouldn’t bother me in the least.
If it comes up at all, I’d use the “I’m driving” excuse if you’re uncomfortable telling him such personal information on the first date - I doubt he’ll bat an eye. And if he’s really overly concerned about what you’re drinking, well, that reveals something about him as well.
I suspect it’s not as big a deal in reality as it is inside your head. You’ve spent a lot of time, for years I bet, thinking about your weight. When you were overweight, you thought about it a lot and probably felt bad about it. When you made the decision to undergo surgery for it, that was a huge decision and required much thought. When you started to lose, you thought about it all the time, now in a happy way. You think about it when you go clothes shopping. You think about it when you make decisions on what you can eat and drink. You think about it when meeting someone new.
The thing is: he’s not likely to think about your weight much at all. Guys just don’t, except for the morbidly obese. “Normal weight,” which you say you are now, elicits little thought from them one way or the other.
If you don’t want to tell him on the first date, fine. Simply say you don’t feel like drinking wine tonight. Say you’re a lightweight drinker (which is true) and you don’t feel safe driving with even one glass of wine in your system. Say whatever you like, as long as it’s true and doesn’t make him feel like you’ve lied to him later when you do choose to tell him about your surgery.
If he’s a nice guy, he’ll be proud of you for all the work you’ve done, not judgemental. And if he’s not a nice guy, you shouldn’t date him again anyway!
Yep. It’s that, “oh great, now he’s trying to figure out what I look like under these clothes” fear combined with the “oh my god, I look like the Saggy Baggy Elephant” fear.
If I were the type to be influenced by finding out that a date had had the surgery, the influence would be to think “Hey, chances are good she isn’t going to gain a bunch of weight over time…”
so I think the only guys that’ll make a value judgement based on the surgery are also the type to make a value judgement based on weight…