Atheists: ever been dumped by a friend because of your atheism?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Agnostics can play too, though in my experience they tend to have an easier time of it than atheists do. The SDMB has a large atheist community and I’m willing to bet there are at least a few folks who’ve gone through the same thing I did.

As a general rule, I wait awhile before telling my friends about my atheism. You just never know how people will react – some take it in stride, some scream at you, some try to save your soul, some don’t care, and some run far, far away as though the atheist cooties might be spreading. I do my best to side-step the issue for awhile, then gently let them know.

There was this one girl who went to high school with me – we were good buddies, used to share notes and stuff. This semester she came to my college and being a country girl, was rather overwhelmed. I popped in, full of enthusiasm, and we started up our friendship again. I tried to help her out on campus, showing her where things were, how to get this-and-that done, etc. Just regular buddy stuff.

Here’s the thing. There’s just something about me, some strange quality, that seems to tip people off that I’m not quite like them. I’ve had no less than four people guess that I was an atheist without me telling them. One day at lunch, my buddy gets a disturbed look on her face and asks me outright. “You do believe in God… right?”

I told her the truth. “No.” She begins breathing heavily and seems rather upset. I try to explain what I mean, but she just keeps repeating, “I’ve never known anyone who didn’t believe in God” like a mantra. She leaves and I never heard from her again. I don’t even see her on campus anymore. It’s as though she died.

Now I know people will tell me that she wasn’t really my friend, or that we were buddies for the wrong reasons, but that’s cold friggin’ comfort. It hurts when people do this, and you can’t help but think, If I just wasn’t this way, we’d be friends. If I believed in her god, she would still talk to me. But I can’t help what I am and she was unwilling to accept it.

So, c’mon. I can’t possibly be alone in this.

2

Not friends, but my family doesn’t seem capable of getting a hand on it…

“Just pray or whatever it is you do for…”

I don’t do anything, guys.

3

I’ve never had anyone sever a friendship the way you describe. I’ve certainly had friends debate the issue.

The thought occurs that you could, in the future, perhaps mention it in passing early on if you think you’re developing a new friendship. That gets it out of the way.

4

Um. Could be because I don’t get out much, but I’ve never had such problem. In fact, I don’t recall ever having to tell anyone whether I “believed” or “not”, nor have I ever had to ask. Then again, it could be because religion is not a big deal where I am.

5

Like 7 up yours I live in a country where religion is not a big deal, or much of one at all really. I cannot imagine anyone severing a friendship over it. Then again, the only person I know that holds to any religious beliefs at all is my mother

6

Ditto on the religion not being a big deal where I am. I have had many friends in life and I can honestly say that I don’t think a single one of them was remotely religious.

7

Kansas City (my current city of residence) is Christian central. Everybody assumes you’re Christian. I can’t count the number of times “my church” has come up in everyday conversation. Everybody just assumes you’re Christian.

I recently met a girl I really got to like quite a bit. We had a weird sorta girlfriend-boyfriend thing going on. We knew that my lack of faith was going to be a problem. One day she told me she had a date. It was with someone from her church. They’re doing quite well, now. But I still miss the times we shared.

8

Yep–my friend Laila (who’d been pretty much agnostic) married a very religious Muslim guy, and he “made” her drop all her non-Muslim friends (i.e, all her friends). The fact that she knuckled under and did as he ordered showed me I obviously did not know her as well as I’d thought.

9

I live in the same place as Hey you!, unless s/he is on the Kansas side. It is indeed pretty Christian around here, but for some reason no one ever asks me about my church. All my friends know I’m an atheist, and if they don’t know, they probably wouldn’t be surpirsed.

I did end up breaking up with my boyfriend partly because of my religious beliefs, but there were a lot of other things going on too, so my lack of belief was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

10

I’m curious to know just what quality it is that people see and think, “you must not be a believer.” Do we look sad or something?

11

Maybe that’s it. I’m an INTP and we’re supposed to have a sense of impending tragedy in our natures. My aunt told me that even in joyful moments she can see sadness in me. All I know is I’ve met people, had an entirely normal conversation with them, and then had them ask me out of the blue if I was an atheist. Others, when I tell them, exclaim “I knew it! I’ve known all along.”

Of course, some people are completely oblivious. My ex-roommate did not know after a year of living with us that I was an atheist and that our other roommate was bisexual. I blew her little mind last semester when I casually mentioned those facts to her – they had never occured to her.

12

Must be that Darwin fish tattooed on our foreheads. :wink:

13

I had a friend “break up” with me before because I was an athiest. Maybe it was also because I told her that her god reminded me of Santa Claus.

I thought she wouldn’t be so upset, but that’s life. She was my best friends at the time – we went out a lot, went bowling, giggled about boyfriends, got into trouble – the usual thing when you’re eighteen and bored. But after I mentioned that god didn’t exist she turned her back on me.

The only thing I can think of was that she was too scared to examine her own beliefs.

BTW, I’m also an INTP. I dream about the apocalypse a lot.

14

Thanks for that site, I’ve got plenty to read for work tomorrow. Lots of info!

15

No, but the fundie that I dated in high school stopped attending church while see me. Guess I am better than god :wink:

16

Then again perhaps she saw no hope in you. Maybe she felt you were too self centered or condescending in your attitude to something sacred to her…after you all you “mentioned that god didn’t exist” and yet somehow she split and all you can think of is that YOU shook her beliefs to the core. Hmmmm…

Elysian, I don’t mean to pick on you personally, it’s just that I read something different in your post.

17

OK, first of your “buddy” has some sort of mental condition.

And christians correct me if I’m wrong (athiest here) but I don’t think turning your back on a friend is something the bible would condone.

Doesn’t the bible say love thy neighbor? or some shit like that?

As long as you respect peoples religion (which I’m willing to bet you do.) There is no justification for what she did.

That is of course unless her faith is tenuous and she’s affraid she’s going to be converted to atheism.

18

No problem with my friends, but my mom freaked the fuck out and forbade me to tell my sister…apparently it would break her heart.

19

IANAA but I’ve lost all sorts of friends because I’m a Christian.

And christians correct me if I’m wrong (athiest here) but I don’t think turning your back on a friend is something the bible would condone.

As far as friends with an atheist goes, I wouldn’t see why not but I can tell you right now it wouldn’t be a very close friendship. I’m not sure I’d call it a friendship, even, it’d be more of an association (note: I don’t call anyone my friend lightly; my definition of a friend is different than most people’s. There are certainly Christians in my life who I care about, but hesitate to name as a true friend). My faith is the #1 thing in my life … how deep of a friendship COULD I have with someone who I couldn’t share that with? It’s not like I can call an atheist friend at 3am and ask them to pray for me over something serious, or have them understand why I do certain things. An atheist probably wouldn’t be comfortable at all simply hanging out at my house, much less with the conversations me and my husband have about God, the Bible, etc., while we’re sitting around watching TV. Our faith is an “everyday” thing and not something we can just sweep under the carpet at will.

A shared faith is a really strong cord between two people that I don’t think you can find through other avenues. You can find other strong cords, yes, but spirituality is a different kind of connection. (I imagine people of other faiths find the same thing to be true as well: Muslims can share things with other Muslims that they can’t with non-Muslims, etc.)

Sure, I have friends who aren’t Christians and probably never will be, and I’m not going to try to change them. But because of this, there are certain depths that simply cannot be reached.

Elysian, your friend very well may have dumped you because of the Santa Claus remark, and not so much because you’re an atheist. Would you want to hang out with someone who made light of something you held dear? My mom’s boyfriend is an atheist and really hostile towards matters of faith. I keep hoping she’ll dump him because he is so disrespectful. Religious people don’t want to hear commentary from atheists about the Magical Sky Pixie and about how religion is make-believe any more than atheists want to be told all the time that they’re going to hell.

20

This fundamental difference in thinking is, at least for some people, the crux of the biscuit. While religious believers often see their belief as a matter of faith above all reason, atheists and others of a secular persuasion (I’m not technically an atheist, but I’m as irreligious as they come) tend not to accept this dichotomy between beliefs that can be debated logically and those that are “sacred” and thus above debate. This lack of “respect” can obviously cause tension in relationships between atheists and their religious friends.