Sorry, I know we have a lot of atheism threads lately, but this is really on my mind and I wanted to see what other people’s experiences are.
I was raised Catholic in a tight-knit extended family. All of my family members are still Catholic, ranging from mild to hard-core. My mom falls decidedly into the “hard-core” range. She told me once when I was a kid that she could accept it if one of her children converted to another religion, but that if she found out that one of us was agnostic or atheist, she’d feel she’d failed as a parent.
OK, which brings us to, I’ve considered myself agnostic for years but recently have come to realize, nope, I’m just a big ol’ atheist. Realizing this about myself has been a huge relief. However, I am really, really not comfortable telling my family about it. Religion comes up in conversation with my mom from time to time, and I usually just stay non-committal and try to change the subject, especially if Mom starts dropping hints about how I should really get the kids to church more often or whatever.
I kind of wish I could just tell her and be done with it, but then I think, no, this would create family drama and hurt her feelings, and IMO it’s not worth hurting someone else’s feelings, especially this deeply and profoundly, just so I can be a little more comfortable and feel OK about “becoming a fan” of the American Atheist Society on Facebook and stuff. (My mom is on Facebook.)
Anyway, I’m interested in how people in similar situations have handled things. If your family is religious and you are atheist, are you “out” to them or not? If you are out, how did it go?
I don’t have much family left in the world but the ones left, if they see my Facebook, they probably see my status, which is Atheist Studying Buddhism. I’m sure my more distant relatives would be surprised since they’re all conservative Christians. I know they don’t appreciate some of the comments I’ve made but I’m too old to care anymore. For a long time when we were all closer if they said something like they’d pray for me or ask if I’d pray for them I’d outright lie. Turning forty has changed me, and it’s a good change. The more I come out, the more honest I feel and the more I respect myself.
My brother though, we have always been close and I’m still slow to talk to him about it. Which is weird because I don’t think he’d be ugly about it. Thing is, he’s my brilliant big brother and I don’t want him to look at me with less respect or anything. And that’s ridiculous. I’ve done so many much worse things I was proud to tell him about.
You know, your joining atheist groups on Facebook will not cause family drama. They are going to be the ones creating the drama if they choose to overreact to your beliefs. The responsibility falls on them, not you, not for living your life the way you see fit.
I was raised Russian Orthodox, and my parents both continue to be deeply religious and involved with the church. Though it took a few painful conversations with my mother, I got her to understand eventually. She doesn’t accept it but she does keep quiet at least. I explained about mutual respect for each others beliefs.
Over the years, I have been given a lot of trouble about being an atheist by my friends, coworkers, and neighbors. But I have found myself amazingly accepted by my family, just as I am. Thank Og!
My parents are Catholic and Lutheran. It’s kind of a don’t ask, don’t tell situation.
While I do think it’s important that we all “come out of the closet,” and I have shared it with my siblings, my parents are on the older side and I know they have beliefs about who’s getting into heaven. I’d like to not burden them with the thought that their son is going to burn in hell for all eternity.
I was raised Presbyterian - I’m not an atheist, but I came out as an agnostic to my parents when I was a teenager. They were incredibly upset and then evidently decided to just be in denial about the whole thing - they dragged me to church until I went to college. I actually taught Sunday school for a while at 17 and 18 because it got me out of actually attending Sunday school. Now they leave it alone but every so often I get “you should come to church!”
My dad actually thinks I don’t go to church because I’m too lazy to get up on Sunday morning.
My family was (is) Jewish and I’ve been an atheist every since I was old enough to rub two brain cells together, and not shy about telling my nearest and dearest about it. They used to call me a crazy, mixed-up kid who would come to his senses eventually, but now they call me a crazy, mixed-up middle aged man who will come to his senses eventually. (They also used to call me “the pornographer” when I was a teenager, and I’m sure that is used behind my back.) But I mostly call them “dead” at this point, and pay them no mind.
I’m not “out,” except to my sister. She and I are atheists, but my parents are in denial about it, although they know neither of us have gone to church in years. We have never confronted them with it. My parents are fundamentalist evangelical Christians.
I guess you could say it’s another “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation.
My family knows, and frankly, doesn’t care, as both Mom and Dad are lapsed Methodists, they may fill out “methodist” on surveys and the like, but neither one has been in a church voluntarily for nigh on 10+ years, I think they just basically outgrew it, saw no need for the bother.
I’m not sure what my Sis believes or doesn’t believe, but I’m pretty sure she and my BiL both lean towards the Agnostic side, the whole “god” thing is just never brought up, my niece and nephew have never asked me about my “beliefs”, it just doesn’t come up at all, a non-issue, it’s actually quite nice
Ironically, I think Dad’s experience as a Deacon about 20 years ago did more to push him away than anything else, dealing with the tedious little interpersonal conflicts between parishoners gave him nothing but headaches
Not really from a religious family, but rather a religious mother. She keeps trying to save me and I keep trying not to upset her.
One time she stopped talking to me for the evening for challenging her statement that even Jews revered Jesus. I decided that it wasn’t worth the hard feelings.
Yes and no. I’ve told the immediate family but they never really seem to listen. They didn’t make a big deal out of it. You can be atheist and still be Hindu, and I still consider myself Hindu, so I don’t make an issue of it.
Only child, both parents are liberal Catholic. They are accepting with my non-belief, although they think it’s just a phase. I doubt it’ll ever be a problem. I’m probably not the best example, sorry.
REALLY Irish Cathlic upbringing – dad immigrated from Ireland, mom’s parents did too. 8 years of Catholic grade school, and I know I was an atheist by maybe 5th or 6th grade, after which I tried unsuccessfully to have my parents send my to public school. I didn’t get my wish until highschool, mostly because my parents couldn’t afford to send me to Catholic HS anyway.
But I ‘came out officially’ as an atheist at age 12, having decided that since I no longer had to go to Catholic school, I wasn’t going to waste any more time in church either. My father beat me up pretty seriously. He had spanked me a few times as a kid, but this was the only time he really beat on me. He stopped when I told him to go on hitting, I STILL wasn’t going to church any more.
He didn’t disown me or anything, but he never entirely reconciled himself to it. I can’t recall that my mom ever criticized me for it, though she never stopped asking me to to church with her.
I have one very nice sister who is as much an atheist as me, and also my irresponsible, bad parent, kinda slutty sister who claims to still be devout. Go figure.
My advice to you is: if you can get away without discussing it, you shouldn’t feel obliged to make an issue out of it.
However, if you’re parents are being jerks about certain things, like getting into your face while insisting you go to church with them, or insisting you get your kids some kind of religious schooling, you are better off clearing the air rather than suffering through repeated abuse.
This is kinda how it is with me. My parents aren’t super religious, they go to church every Sunday, but they don’t make it a high priority in their lives otherwise. We’ve talked about my views before, and I think they know how I feel… but I can’t recall exactly what I’ve said. I don’t think I’ve ever straight out said “I’m atheist.” It’s not that important.
My Godmother (:rolleyes: at that title), OTOH, is hardcore religious, and she assumes I’m that way too. She’s a very sweet 81 year old lady, though, and I love her to death - I wouldn’t dream of setting her straight, because it would break her heart. When she talks about God or Jesus or whatever, I just grin and bear it; we don’t see each other or speak so often that it would get on my nerves anyway.
I only told my sister flat-out that I’m an atheist, but when I told my mother that I was going to leave the church (you have to do de-register at the town hall in order to avoid paying church tax in Germany…) she just said “well, that’s only honest”.
My parents also go to church much less frequently than in the past, though at least my mother still believes. My father said he thought about quitting in order to save the tax for some time.
They both feel that I shouldn’t “come out” to my grandmother and godmother (aunt) who are a bit more religious (in the liberal European style), though I think they both know in a way and wouldn’t mind much. I haven’t done it so far, though, and attend some church services like a memorial service for my grandfather or my cousin’s son’s first communion. I don’t go to communion, of course, along with my father and most of my uncles.
When we talked about the church abuse scandal at a recent birthday gathering later in the evening and I said I always thought Walter Mixa was an asshole, they just were surprised that I knew him before the scandal broke (he’s made inflammatory reactionary statements many times before) - they didn’t disagree about the asshole part.
My parents were missionaries and my father a Presbyterian minister for 30 years before he retired. We’re kinda on a don’t ask don’t tell basis. They certainly know I don’t go to church, and they don’t ask me to lead the prayer at the dinner table. And they know my wife and kids have virtually zero understanding or belief in Christianity.
My Chinese mother-in-law is born again. I just laugh…
This is good food for thought, everybody. I think that for now I’m probably going to stick with my ongoing “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. I mean, I am envious of those of you that had parents that reacted relatively well to your news, but I can tell you that I do not have a parent like that. My mom would definitely interpret my being an atheist as some kind of personal attack against her and her belief system, would feel she had failed as a parent, etc.
That said, she’s been more heavily into her religion lately, partially because she is dating a new guy who is also devoutly Catholic, and she has been doing more along the lines of giving my kids religious-thematic books at Christmas and stealth subscribing me to Catholic Digest magazine (I got the subscription changed to Scientific American) and whatnot. If that sort of thing continues, I may feel the need to just come straight out and tell her. Although actually that might just make the proselytizing worse, so, I don’t know.
This. I never told my parents that I’d stopped going to church (also Catholic) but my mom figured it out anyway. She cried at me a lot and felt like a failure as a parent and now mostly just makes pointed remarks about how God loves me, etc.