Three little boys ages…say, estimated 12, 10, 9 were one their way home from school and walk past the house. Every day they bang on the windows, making Phantom and Max ( our dogs ) bark. Also, they play in the yard , have stolen mail, etc .
On Wed. they pulled the same crap, then came up on the porch and started knocking over planters ( btw, they do this to other houses on their route home. They are “neighborhood menaces” ) I went out and told them , for the umpteenth time to get off the property, etc. The oldest one “flipped me off” , and said “fck you old man". ( This whilst standing on MY porch!! ) I noted the seven broken planters, and said " That’s it, let’s go talk to your parents". The youngest one started to whimper, and crying, saying " I didn’t even do anything" The eldest said they wouldn’t show me where they lived. I simply waited. They walked home. I followed about 10 meters behind them. When they went up a deck and into a house, I went up and knocked on the sliding glass door. A woman, about 5"10’ 205 pounds, way laying on the couch, visible through the glass door. She looked up and said " Who the gddamn f*cking hell are you?!” While saying this she stood and walked towards me.
I backed up a step, and replied " I’d like to talk to you about the three boys that just came in here. I, like a number of people, have had trouble with them messing with things when on their way home. Today they were on my porch, broke some planters and teased the dogs. I’ve asked, then told them numerous times to stay off of my property. Now, will you please see to it this does not happen again please? I’m not looking for you to pay for the broken items; just keep your kids off my property please"
She listened with her hands on her hips, looking pissed off ( I thought at her sons). When I finished she literally lashed out with her right hand, formed into a claw, and raked her nails across my face, leaving deep, bleeding gouges. ( In utter blunt frankness, I’m really pissed at myself for letting her get through my guard like that. Her actions were so unexpected I literally was stunned: caught flat footed. I AM getting old. 
)
I looked at her, reached up with my cane hand and touched the flowing blood running down my cheek. I looked at her and said " Are you f*cking crazy?! You are going to jail, bitch!" I took one more step backwards, there-by placing myself at the top of the steps to go down from the deck. ( Getting older by the second ). … she reached into the house, and grabbed a metal baseball bat, and swung it at me. I had my phone in my right hand, attempting to call the police. I brought my hand up to block, instinctively holding the phone as a “shield”. The bat and phone connected, causing the kinetic energy to transfer from the bat to the phone; this resulted in ballistic disassembly of the cellphone. I absorbed more of the kinetic energy, causing me to be pushed several inches backward; momentum angular velocity and point of leverage took me ass over tea kettle down the steps. I rolled to take it on the hips and shoulders, tucking my cane like a sword to avoid being impaled.
I got up and exfiltrated to a nearby store, and called the police. Unknown to me, she was also calling the police, claiming , screaming actually, according to the police later, that I had broken into her home, threatened her and her kids, was refusing to leave, she was going to get her gun and kill me, etc. All at top volume and with maximum number of curses per minute possible.
When I asked to use the phone at the store, the owner said " Don’t tell me Debby is at it again" I said I did not know whom “Debby” was, but the woman in the blue house on the corner"… she asked me to take her phone and go outside, out of fear that “Debby” would come in the store and so forth.
The cops arrived while I was waiting outside. The woman was screaming obscenities, threats and so forth from her deck the entire time I waited.
The cop that arrived was one that I had had previous dealings with, and whom I consider to be a jerk, at best.
I requested a supervisor or Sgt.
About 15 seconds later, the Sgt., a female arrived, having been enroute.
She came over, I related above… all the while the other cop was listening to the woman screaming, threatening, etc. She told them numerous times I threatened her and her kids, broke into her house, etc,etc,etc.
I staid calm and professional. I explained the situation, and pointed out my shattered cellphone, bruised hip, and bleeding gouges in my face.
The cops conferred whilst I filled out a police report. Clearly the prints in the snow showed I had not entered her home.
The Sgt. returned and told me that the woman was , in fact, “Debby”, and that she was an abuse victim, a "crank “abuser, had an abusive childhood, was trying to raise her three boys alone, and that they ( cops ) had been out there " probably a dozen times in the last month”. She did not want me to press charges, as they would have to place the kinds in “Emergency Services”, and that “would be real pain in the ass, right at shift change”.
I expressed my opinion, politely, that I did not give a rat’s pink puckered asshole if it was shift change, how horrible her life was, etc. I could give some big sob story too, but it is not relevant to the situation. Hell yes I was going to press charges!"
The cops said they wouldn’t charge her, I would have to sue her for damages, and that I was , in part, to blame for not calling them, instead of confronting her myself. Now… in my world, one does not call the police over every little thing. What happened to working things out with neighbors, etc?
The entire time we were talking, the woman was screaming, swearing, etc. As we were concluding the above conversation, she went into her house and returned with TWO metal baseball bats ( the cops had taken away the first one ), and started waving them around, banging them together, saying she was going to kill me, kill my dogs, burn our house down, kill the cops, and assorted other threats. The cops looked at each other, and said " Well, that’s it"… and went to arrest her. It took the three of them to subdue her, a third cop having arrived during my conversation with the other two. They told me to leave. I left.
I contacted the cellphone insurance company and discovered I am covered for damage, with a full recorded police report, and a $125 “processing fee”. I explained I had a zero deductible policy. They explained the charge is a “processing fee”, not a deductible.
I went and got a replacement phone : note I do not say “new” phone. They prorated my phone over two years old, and gave me a replacement phone that does not have half the features. No games ( mine had about a dozen), no case < mine has 78 cases. Really. I bought a 100 lot on eBay for 20.00 
) no Blue tooth earpiece, no car charger, no memory chip, etc,etc,etc. It would cost me over $600 to get all the “goodies” my other phone came with. or had acquired over the years:(
Now I don’t know whom to be more pissed at:
The woman for being a crazy bitch, the cops for not wanting to do their jobs ( shift change indeed! ), or the cellphone company for making a zero deductible policy that actually costs more than a lot of new phones.
Or myself for paying it.
Thus endeth rant