Attack Of The Red-Hot Pickles!!

Just saw this on the AP Newswire and it made me spit Vanilla Maple tea all over my computer. Think I can sue anyone?

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. (AP) - A woman who claimed she was permanently scarred by a hot McDonald’s hamburger pickle has settled her lawsuit against the restaurant chain. Veronica M. Martin claimed she suffered a second-degree burn on her chin after an extremely hot pickle fell from one of the small burgers she and her husband bought in October 1999. The suit contended the pickle was defective and unreasonably dangerous to the customer, breaching an implied warranty for safety. Martin sought $110,000 while her husband, Darrin, sought $15,000 for losing the services and consortium of his wife.

" . . . for losing the services and consortium of his wife?!" I don’t even want to THINK about those first few heartbreaking weeks when Durwood was trying to get some off the horribly pickle-scarred Veronica . . .

Damn those pickles! Damn them all to HELL!

It takes a special kinda guy to have the guts to make a law suit about how he couldn’t get any, I must say.

I can just see Ronald McDonald strutting around:

“Yeah, once that woman got a tast of my pickle, ain’t no way she was gonna go back to that limp noodle.”

Who can Eve sue over this?

McDonald’s - It was their pickle that started this.

Veronica and Darrin - I hear they’ve got $125,000.

the American Press news service - For irresponsibly putting this story where Eve could read it.

India - For producing the tea.

Madagascar - Ditto the vanilla.

Vermont - Ditto the maple.

Microsoft - This involved computers and Bill Gates has a lot of money.

Sigmund Freud - Pickles. Sex. Do I have to spell this out?

The “pickle was defective”? Bhaaaahhhaaaaahhhhaaa! I wish Frank Zappa was alive and waiting for this one!

But, Eve, you really should have a bit more compassion. It must be awfully painful to service yer Durwoody with the bandages necessary after a scorching pickle encounter. Not to mention the emotional scars that permeate your next romantic evening at the local drive-thru.


Of course, this leaves the next Hip band name up for grabs…Scorching Pickle Blowjob.

I’m going to be giggling to myself the whole way home about this one. When is it going to become a Lifetime Movie of the Week, with Mark Harmon as the sympathetic, suffering-with-her Durwood, and Susan Lucci—no! Annie Potts!—as poor, pickle-damaged Veronica?

“No, Dinbat, Ah . . . I cain’t. Mah chin is still too swole-up from that pickle.”

“DAMN McDonald’s! Don’t they realize they have ruined our LIVES?”

“Oh, Durwood, if ONLY we had ordered the Chicken McNuggets instead . . . Ah blames mahself.”

Darrin: “I love you, Veronica. I don’t care who knows it. When I look at you I don’t see a woman with a mustard-covered pickle laying on her chin, scorching the flesh underneath. No, my love, I see the woman I long for…the woman I need. Come to me!”

Veronica: “No! Darrin, don’t you see. I’m scarred…I’m hideous. No one must ever love me again. I will be forever marked. Turn away. Go, learn to love another. Just remember, we’ll always have Wendy’s.”

Bette Davis has to play Veronica, but who for Darrin? Maybe if Charles Boyer had lit the two cigarettes and accidently burned Bette…

Well, I’m too lazy to start a consecutive threads thread, but I do want to mention that on my brower it appeared as:
Attack of the Red-Hot Pickles!!

Young Men – Older Women

I will now drag my mind out of the gutter.

My question is exactly what kind of “services and consortium” was Veronica giving to Darrin? All we know is that Darrin assigned a monetary value of $15,000 to them. For it to cost that kind of money, Darrin must have had Veronica dressing up like a nun or doing things with fruit.

…or dressing up like fruit and doing things with a nun.

“Gherkin of Sorrow: The Veronica Martin Story”

And what about all the rest of us who “lost her services and consortium”? We didn’t get a dime! You call that a settlement?

Rodney Dangerfield: “My sex life is so bad, my wife cut me down to once a month. But hey, some guys she cut off altogether!”