Today I decide to do something about the pile of dishes in my sink, and they all got a rinse, and got put into the dish washer. Among these items was my spatula. It has always been a normal well manered spatula, and I thought our relationship was fine. I have had it for quite a while, and it was a decent priced piece of harware. It was a semi-high temp plastic spatula, that I trusted to flip my eggs and pancakes and other spatula-ly duties. It always did it’s job well in my non-stick stuff that I didn’t want to scratch. Lately I have seen these spangly new spatulas, that are space age silicon jobs and aparently won’t melt if you try to flip molten lead on the surface of the sun. But I didn’t go for it, I showed loyalty to my old trusty friend.
Only today did I learn the treachery and depression in it’s heart.
As I filled the washer I put the spautla in it’s acustomed spot, top right center of the top rack. I filled it all up, turned it on, then went out to drink a beer in the cool night. A friend walked by and we talked, and went to his house for another beer. When i returned home all seemed fine. But as I steped through the front door I noticed a distinctly acrid smell(reminiscent of electrical fire, but not quite the same), with a hint of lemony freshness. As I walked through the house it got stronger, and I noticed a haze in the air. It was fairly strong and hazy as I stepped into the kitchen. I also noticed I was suddenly light-headed and dizzy. But I continued to through the kitchen, stopping in front of the dishwasher. It seemed to be the source of the problem, so I needed to check it out. Unsuspectingly I opened the dishwasher. A huge wall of thick white-grey smoke sprung out at me, and engulfed me. It was powerful, and overwhelming. Instantly I was blinded by the thick smoke and involuntary eye shutting from the toxicity. My light headedness exploded 10 fold, and I found myself falling to my knees. I crawled out on the porch and gasped for air. After about 5 minutes My mind was clear enough and I could see again. I figured I had something serious to deal with before my house burned down. I grabbed my sealed goggles and filter mask from my truck and headed back in. I grabbed the extiguisher and headed toward the dish washer. By now the smoke had cleared enough to see into the machine. I looked to see if the motor was on fire or what. Peering in closely I notice…
My spatula. It was lying in a melting, smoking, and dripping pile on top of the heating element. I grabbed it and took it outside to throw it on the sidewalk. It had jumped off the top self, past the bottom shelf, and threw itself on the element. It had clearly decided to end it’s own existence, while simultaneously creating a life threatening booby trap of toxic fumes that I would wonder into. Even after a couple hours of every door and window open, and every fan and air purifier on full my house still smells like lemony toxicity, and gives me a headache.
Sorry to hear about the loss of your old friend.
…
Just kidding! Thanks for the laugh.
I love a well-written story. I’ve had some plasticware throw itself suicidally at heating elements myself (mainly the stove - they lack imagination or ambition. The dishwasher was a master stroke!) and can imagine how bad the fumes would be if they’d had all that time to build up.
I’m sure you’ll have many fine years together with your new high-tech silicon jobbie.
I don’t know. A spatula that’s been that friendly for a long period of time doesn’t just turn on you suddenly and try to off itself for no reason. I think you’re not telling us everything. You must have broken its’ heart through an act of unspeakable cruelty,possibly using it to pick up dog doody,digging for worms with which to fish, or doing obscenely filthy sex acts with it.
Let us have the truth,sir. You will feel a gigantic weight lifted from your shoulders.
I am with ageless6 on this one. You brought that spatula up. You nurtured it through its youth. You formed its ideals and gave meaning to its existence. If it turned into a homicidal nihilistic food utensil, then I lay the blame firmly at your door. Don’t shirk your culpibility in this matter. I grieve for the salad tongs in your cupboard, for the electric tin opener on your work surface, even unto the teaspoon in your cultery rack. Heaven only knows what vile abominations may yet be harbouring in the iniquitous den you call “kitchen”.
I’m afraid I’m with ageless6 and InvidiousCourgette (whose name I had to copy and paste cause it looked too hard to type out) on this one wolfman. A spatula just doesn’t up and commit such a horrid act of suicide and endanger its utensil friends for no good reason. There’s something going on. Perhaps it had enough of years of spatula abuse and being denied the counseling it needed to become a once again well-adjusted spatula. Mind now, I’m not saying you did it wolfman. Is there someone else in the home? A trusted friend who’s really a utensil (should that have an “e” on the end of it?) perv. Is it someone who convinced your spatula that if it talked, everybody would just blame it for being such a sluty spatula? These things build up over years until, one day, bam!
This needs a thourough investigation. Og knows what unspeakable horrors other innocent utensiles (it looks better with an “e”) may be going through? I say call Utensil (e) Protective Services now!
Screw down your tin foil hats folks, this is going to get nasty. When the conspiracy theorists start disecting a straightforward case of domestic instrument abuse and/or utensilcide we can only expect some pretty whacko ideas to surface.
Have you not considered that there may have been foul play involved? You never know which of your dishes or other utensils may have been holding a grudge against your much loved spatula. They were just waiting for some time alone to get even for all the things they imagine the spatula did wrong to them. I would take a serious look at the other utensils and dishes that were in the dishwasher at the time of the incident. If any of them have a smug look to them that you hadn’t seen before, you may indeed have a utensil killer on your hands.
Fine, blame the spatula, blame the grieving family – what about society? What about the unrealistic self-image imposed by commercial fascination with high-temperature silicone spatulas? What about the immense pressure put on fragile cookware by hardened characters like dishes and silverware? My god, when will this cycle of hopelessness, destruction, and recrimination end?
Of course, any dishes or utensils wearing tiny little gas masks would be a giveaway here.
I hope you will consider that your beloved spatula might have given its life for you, trying to thwart some dastardly utensil coup, and ended up crashed on the heating element. Had your brave spatula not gummed up the conspiracy, you might have come home, opened the dishwasher and been, say, impaled by rogue ginsu knives.
If you notice grumbling in the kitchen tool drawer, it might be wise to use caution when opening the dishwasher in future…those culprits might still be out there!
Clearly, wolfman, you were oblivious to the blatant cries for help coming from your utensil drawer. Did you ever think twice about the way the very edge of your beloved spatula curled up from constant and unappreciated use? No? How about all the times you searched frantically for it as it cowered and hid, terrified, in the back of the drawer? And then there’s this:
. This bespeaks abuse and neglect too horrifying to elaborate upon. When I think of all those poor utensils and dishes encrusted with foodstuffs and languishing away in a sinkful of dirty water I could just…I’m sorry, I can’t go on. I’m just speechless. And then you wonder - *YOU WONDER * why a tragedy like this occurs!! I assure you, sir, that the proper authorities will be notified! :mad:
Maybe the spatula was having an affair with the ice cream scoop, and the BBQ tongs found out! Time to start looking for incriminating notes, bruises and the like.
Did your spatula give off any of the common warning signs of suicide?
-Becoming depressed or withdrawn
-Behaving recklessly
-Getting affairs in order and giving away valued possessions
-Showing a marked change in behavior, attitudes or appearance
-Abusing drugs or alcohol
-Suffering a major loss or life change
wolfman, be honest, did your spatula abuse you? Physically or mentally? Most murder-suicides are carried out by the abuser in a relationship. It’s OK, you’re safe now. You can tell us, the spatula’s not going to hurt you anymore.
Has nobody considered the possibility that this might simply have been a stupid, tragic accident? Maybe the spatula was trying to impress the serving spoon by balancing itself precariously in the rack while crooning Sinatra tunes, and lost its balance and fell onto the element.
