Tuesday I arranged to have my 2-week-long visit with my son, Jordan. He’s a terrific kid, and will be turning 3 on the 8th. Last night, I returned from work to find a letter im my mailbox from TW (That Woman). In it, she briefly stated that she’s moving to Waco, Texas, about 500 miles distant! For one sentence she wastes a stamp. That’s more than she spoke to me our last week together, and about as pleasant. 8Þ
Let me see – an online travel guide says that it’s an 11 hour drive to Waco from Clovis. That means I’ll no longer have Tuesday visitations unless I want to give up working on Tuesdays (not an option).
It also means that if I want to see him on the alternate weekends he and I are entitled to, I’ll have to drive 11 hours each way. Lessee now… 48 hours in a weekend minus 44 hours travel time (to-from twice) leaves what? Two hours? Well, even if I don’t need to sleep, Jordan will, and I can’t afford the gas and hotel that going, staying the weekend, then leaving would require. And no, staying at her place is not an option. It would be an experience so unpleasant that words fail me (though “akin to hell” does suggest itself).
Rats!
Anyway, have any of you other divorced fathers had to deal with this kind of krep? Any words of advice? In the absence of advice, condolences will be cheerfully accepted.
My girls were 13/10 when I got divorced eight years ago but my ex wanted it to be quick and simple because her little boy-toy was getting impatient so she agreed to joint custody.
The kids were allowed to come and go between us as they saw fit and mostly stayed with me so all I can do is sympathize with you. I know how I would feel in your situation, that really sucks.
A subject near and dear to my heart and something I’ve dealt with before…
My ex was planning to move my son to Arkansas (from New Jersey). As it is, being stationed in Norfolk is a bit too far for a continued relationship.
I immediately sought legal advise. We both have joint custody of Skirmie so I may have had a bit more “legally” upon which to stand.
My lawyer filed papers effectively preventing her from moving my son out of state. By her moving she would effectively have disallowed me from upholding the conditions of our divorce – namely the right to see my son every other weekend.
She was pissed, but after her boyfriend pissed her off she was glad she hadn’t made the move and been stuck down south away from her family.
As it is, she found a job nearer to Norfolk which is going to allow me to see my son nearly every weekend – big bonus for me.
I did have to rearrange my life while at sea.
I was seeing an excellent beautiful woman. I broke it off with her so I could spend as much of my free time with my son as possible.
I don’t know how Texas works, but if she doesn’t have sole custody, you do have rights whic she may be treading upon should she move.
ENSURE ALL YOUR CHILD SUPPORT IS PAID IN FULL!!!
I am currently six months ahead. This guarantees me a bit of leeway should something catastrophic (job-wise) happens.
Most courts won’t entertain revisiting any issue of a divorce if the father has not lived up to the divorce decree.
Say you have visiting rights every other weekend but you’ve only seen your son (or daughter) three times in four months. This demonstrates to the court that your stated need to see your child is not truly a need.
I, apparently, demonstrated to the satisfaction of the court fulfillment of these rights. I went so far as to have my parents take all my visitations while I was deployed, so there wasn’t a pattern of abandonment established.
Yes, we all cursed lawyers as we went through our divorces. Now is the time to use them for your benefit – when you are about to be unjustly denied access to your child.
[hijack] Scott - 6 MONTHS AHEAD! Man. My ex is now 5 months behind. AND doesnt bother with the boys anymore.
I would gladly give him every second weekend if he would just take it.
The courts typically try to look at the issue as “what’s in the child’s best interest.” If you’ve established a regular relationship through frequent and reliable visitation, you may be able to persuade the court to modify the circumstances of the custody arrangements. The “tender years” argument may work in your favor in this case if you can show the court that you have an on-going relationship that would be harmed if you and your son weren’t allowed to see each other for extended periods of time.
In the real world (at least in Minnesota), non-custodial fathers are often viewed as little more than a source of income. I’ve been told this directly by my so-called caseworker from the county child services department (read: collection agency). They’ll never volunteer to help you with anything; you have to ask, plead and/or demand their assistance. Even then, they won’t (or can’t) do much. It takes lawyers, usually.
Questions: Do you have family in your area that could watch your little one while you’re at work? That way, you might be able to wangle one solid week per month or something.
Would TW be visiting the area where you live very often?
Any chance that you might be able to move and follow her? I know that sounds lousy, but some fathers have done that.
Here’s wishing you luck, buddy. It took years, and my ex- remarrying and having a couple more kids, before I was able to get more time with my son. Now she asks me if I’ll take him for extra time.
Oh, yeah. It also took money. Lots of money. What I paid to lawyers would’ve financed my son’s college tuition–no joke. But I was determined. The ex probably thought I’d give up, but I didn’t.
Don’t get discouraged. Jordan will still love you no matter what. If the worst case scenario occurs and TW moves and the courts don’t modify visitation, then your reunions will be even more precious. And, just because the court may say “no” now, it doesn’t mean they won’t say “OK” later.
Peeking in as a divorced mother who hates the stupid games people play.
Here we have a clause that states if one parent is planning to move with the child they have to give three months notice to the other parent so that they may file a notice of opposition. Do you have something like that?
Also, when you go to court on the appeal, unless there is a damn good reason for moving (this means, no its not in the best interest of your child for you to move cuz you have a boyfriend, you think it might be fun to live by the beach, etc.) then likely the judge will not agree to it. I know of one case here where a fellow in the military was posted to Edmonton and had to leave his wife and her child behind for almost a year until things were settled. She had played alot of games and her ex wanted justification for moving his son to the other end of the country.
If the move takes place, its up to the custodial parent to ensure that your child sees you a reasonable amount of time.
I’m so sorry Baloo, I know it will be hard for you not having the little one close to you. I can’t stand my ex but I do go along with visitation and if I did move for some reason, I would always try to ensure that my son saw his dad. He sucked as a husband and at the time a father, but he is making a bit of effort and he is my son’s dad.
Chin up and I really hope things work out for you.
It was just the opposite for me. I got sole custody of my two daughters due to a situation I won’t go into. When I decided to return south to finally get a decent job, I simply told TW that we were going (along with a thinly veiled threat to stick her for child support) and we left, no hassle. It’s all worked out pretty well. She comes down for a couple of weeks each fall to visit with the kids and grands, and once in a while they go up there.
I’m still kinda fond of my ex, but I find a it lot easier to be fond of her five states and a mountain range away.
I would think that as posted earlier, there might be some sort of legal recourse for you.
ChiefScott is correct. If you have joint custody, she can’t move without giving you plenty of notice, and you can file to keep him there in NM (is that the Clovis to which you were referring?). And a little Leo - you don’t want to miss out on him growing up. Happy birthday to Baloo, Jr. on the 8th!
I’m a single mom, and my lawyer basically told me that the more money I had, the more control I’d have over my son’s future visitations with his biological father. So far, that has been very true. If he gets a few more months behind on child support, his butt is going to land back in jail - for good. (There is a long story behind this, basically his being behind on child support violates his probation which inflicts the maximum sentence he avoided though deferred adjudication.)
My lawyer happened to screw up our final paternity decree and though he told me I’d have no geographical restrictions (as I am the custodial parent), he put in a clause that if I moved out of the county, I’d have to deliver my son to his father for visitation - thus nullifying the supervised visitation we had set up in the first place. (baby_thur’s father started getting verbally abusive during my pregnancy and put some holes in my bedroom door and broke some stuff - not the kind of stuff you want a child to see.) Working with the lawyer now on fixing this so I can get a better job, which will mean moving (though probably closer to biofather).
Read your divorce decree - there may be a clause in there that will prevent her from moving. If not, save your $$ and get a lawyer.
FTR I’m all for father’s rights as long as he truly has the child’s best interests at heart - as it appears all the above posting fathers do. I wish baby_thur’s biofather wouldn’t have turned out the way he did.
Everyone is right. There is a good chance that you can legally prevent her from moving. Someone I know is currently in court trying to keep his ex from moving to England with his daughter.
I guess I’m pretty lucky. My ex and I agreed to live in the same city until the boys are both over 18.
Definitely call a lawyer and find out what you can do. I think she’s just being spiteful and wants to hurt you and this is the only thing she can do to make you hurt. It’s wrong to use a child for something like that but it’s been known to happen.
My ex-husband has our daughter every other weekend and I would never dream of moving so far away that they couldn’t have that time together. He’s trying his best to be a good father and to be active in her life and I respect that. There’s only a couple of things he could do that would make me keep my daughter away from him and that’s if he doesn’t pay his child support (which won’t be a problem because it’s deducted from his paycheck every week) or if I find out he’s drinking when he has her for the weekend. If he’s being a responsible man and a good father, he can continue to see her and I have no problems with it.
Good luck! I hope that everything works out for you. Keep us updated!
My three kids left a few days ago after a month here with me.
I was in the Army, stationed in WA, when my ex started acting crazy. She had a breakdown and I had to continually check on her with the kids. One day, I came home and there was a U-Haul with everything packed in it, including the kids. I was an idiot: Too shocked and frazzled by the last few months of insanity that I didn’t know what to do. Luckily she only took them to our hometown in Northern CA, about 11 hours away.
I wasn’t able to get to the custody hearing (damn army!), although I didn’t come out too bad. She had snapped out of whatever deal she was in and had realized what she had done. So, fast forward to jan 99: I get out of the Army, move back home and am with my kids all the time. Life is great, I have a good job, buy a house, etc, etc, etc… Nov 99: She tells me she is moving to NM with her new husband… Gah! I should have filed…something…I don’t know what. So, that’s two times I blew it(among the countless others.) Anyway, looks like they aren’t doing too well financially out there in good old NM, so they may be moving back this way, I hope… I’m not exactly sure what we’ll do if they don’t. I can’t be away from them like this anymore. Another issue is, my GF’s kid’s father is in transition as well, so we want to know where everyone is before we make any moves. We can’t be hopping around the country trying to keep up with all these people, it’s just not realistic.
Christ, i don’t know what my point was in posting this. Maybe more for me than for you. Sorry, had to get that off my chest… Hmmm, anyway, don’t let em slip away, like I did. Find out if you can keep them closer to you. Good luck Baloo!
Okay, I know I’m gonna get a lot of guff from folks because I occasionally listen to Dr. Laura Schlessinger, but I have to give her credit for really pushing HARD the need for separated parents to live nearby each other for the children’s sakes.
Baloo, that is HORRIBLE that your ex did that to you. To receive a letter like that just adds insult to injury.
Chief – bless your heart that you did all you could to stay near your Skirmie. And – goodness! – you even made raising your child a priority over having a romantic relationship. Wow, that’s parenting.
BALOO, go see a lawyer, ASAP. Even if you cannot prevent your ex from moving out of state (though you can certainly try), you should be able to obtain a modification in your visitation schedule, such as one week a month as opposed to weekends. You might not be crazy about that, but try to decide what is your ideal situation and what is a situation you would be willing to live with (your fall-back position). Do not delay, as it will be much more difficult to contest her move if she has in fact already moved (unless, of course, she’s given you little or no notice, like throwing the letter out her window on her way out of town).
You probably have no grounds to sue for full custody unless she’s somehow mistreating your son, handy’s suggestion notwithstanding. Good luck.
I’m up in Canada, where the laws are different, but I would nonetheless echo what others have asserted. Get a lawyer. I would add that you ought to get a good lawyer. Don’t wait.
Apart from that, you have my most heartfelt condolences and best wishes.
Being long term divorced, and that my son was a toddler when we separated, I have lots o ’ experience in the “can you believe this jerky thing” field.
All divorced people should CAREFULLy read their divorce decrees as to specifics on custody, visitation, child support, insurance etc.
ALWAYS do at LEAST what your decree states, so if your visits are spelled out “every other weekend” do it. “But I’ve got a chance to go to the game this weekend” so what? You checked the box next to “parent”. You’re required to pay X$$ in child support? Do it. Also, do keep buying appropriate gifts for birthdays etc, work with the other parent when possible for larger items etc. offer to help on school clothes etc - make it a shopping trip.
keep track of what you are doing (visitation, support and other payments etc.)
Keep civil with your spouse (very difficult, I admit, especially if they act poorly - I remember my ex threatening to take me to court - in front of our then 6 year old- over the hair cut the kid just got. sheesh). try and work things out amiacably, if possible - the grandparents are coming into town and it’s your weekend? make some arrangement. All of this is absolutely in the CHILD’S best interest. and that should remain the focus.
In cases like this where a compromise does not seem possible, seek legal counsel pronto, advise friend of the court etc.
Make your child’s life a significant part of your own (as it should be) - especially if you’re not the custodial parent. Offer to take the child to the doctor’s appointments, take on when they’re sick, go to the school plays, conferences etc.
If you’re not the custodial parent, DO NOT make plans WITH the child for times they aren’t scheduled to be with you until AFTER you’ve checked with custodial (BIG problem with my ex for a while, “gee, if it’s ok, you can come with US to do this really fun thing…”)
re-emphasis - What’s best for the child. Generally that means that BOTH parents are involved.
DO NOT make your child a spy in their other parents home. No questions about how much daddy drinks or if “uncle George” was over every night. THis does very bad things for the kid. Remember, you have a child together, but no longer a life together.
Most definitely, get a GOOD lawyer. I cannot stress this enough. Back quite a few years ago, my first wife decided that she needed another man. She divorced me. We had 2 kids, a girl and a boy. At the time she left, the girl was 6 and the boy was 2. She moved with her “better than me” new husband to a city about an hour away. No problem. That lasted for about 3 years. Then they moved to southern Calif., around 1000 plus miles away. Of course, being the “nice” guy that I was, I didn’t make a fuss because I thought, at the time, that it was best for the kids. To make a long story short, that was in 1981. I haven’t seen either child since. I have no idea where they are, nor do I have the money for a P.I. My daughter is 30 years old now and my son is 25. And being the spitefull bitch that she is, I am sure that the reason my kids have not tried to make contact with me is that she has convinced them that I am either dead or worse. (if that were possible)
So, yes, get a lawyer, yesterday, if that’s possible.
Here in Michigan, the custodial parent has to ask the court for permission to move out of state. CP has to provide evidence that moving out of state is in the best interests of the child.
My husband’s exGF, the mother of my stepson, moved to Indiana, and didn’t tell us until after she was gone. Now, where she was realy wasn’t a huge drive–only about 3-4 hours. But she didn’t tell us. She didn’t give us her address. She just called one day & said basically “I live in Indiana now. Nyah.” My husband flipped. He called our lawyer, who said “Um, she can’t do that. If she calls you back, tell her she’d better either get her ass back here or we’re going to have her charged with kidnapping.” Our lawyer then called her lawyer and told him the same thing. Her lawyer didn’t know she’d left either, and he was hot. He managed to track her down, and called her & told her that if she wanted to keep custody of her son, she’d better get back to Michigan. She did, in a hurry.
My husband really would not have had all that much trouble with her moving, if she’d freaking said something first, and given us her damn address. Some people are just plain stupid, I guess.
Sorry, had to get that off my chest… Hmmm, anyway, don’t let em slip away, like I did. Find out if you can keep them closer to you. Good luck Baloo!