Gosh, I hate my daughter's mom

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve had custody of our 8 year old daughter for six years. Her mom was living in a different state at the time so there is very little in the court order relating to visitation. It says that when she is visiting my state (Tennessee) I am to allow her to get her on the weekends and that’s about it. She has since moved to Tennessee and I always let her get her whenever she wants, which is usually about one weekend every three months. Before I got custody, her mom had a habit of taking her and disappearing out of state. The custody order says she is not to take her out of state without my permission.

So her mom texts me on May 31st saying she wants to get our daughter for two weeks starting June 13 so they can go to Florida on vacation and visit her dad who retired there. She’s gotten her for a week a couple of times but two weeks is the longest she’s ever gotten her.

Well June 13 comes and her car is broken down so she puts off her trip for a week. She mentions something about not wanting to put it off for a week because that would mean an extra rent payment. I figured she meant she would rather put off paying the rent until she got back or something.

She gets her on June 30th and goes to Kissimmee Florida. A few days ago she texts me and says she was expecting to get a paycheck from Tennessee cashed and wired to her but can’t for some reason (the reason being that that is a stupid plan I guess) and won’t have money to get back until they mail it to her.

She says she may be able to borrow some money so we can meet halfway in Atlanta if I want. “Meet halfway? Are you moving to Florida?”

She says yes, and says she talked it over with our daughter who agreed that she’d like to spend Christmas, fall break and summers there.

Wait, a couple things. a) I remembered what she said about the rent earlier, so this was planned before she “talked it over with out daughter.” b) she didn’t talk over anything about Christmas, fall break or summer with me.

Anyway, she says we can meet halfway on Sunday or else we can wait until the middle of the week to see what happens with her paycheck. She’s afraid it will be short “but it will hopefully be enough.” I guarantee it won’t be enough, that sounds like a shitty plan to me.

Well hang on, my sister is vacationing in Florida. I get ahold of her yesterday (Friday) morning. They are leaving today (Saturday), have to check out by 11 am (right now actually). They’re 5 hours away from my daughter’s mom.

At 2pm yesterday, I talk my daughter’s mom and tell her where my sister is and that she has to leave by 11am today. She said ok, she’ll check it out on GPS but it’ll be no problem. A few minutes later I get the text:

“That’s too far. I have a 4th of July to celebrate with my family. I guess I will call you tomorrow or something. Me driving further on a holiday is not a compromise”

Compromise? Why is there supposed to be a compromise? She was supposed to take our daughter to Florida for two weeks then bring her back to my house yesterday but doesn’t have the money, and me asking her to drive to somewhere in Florida is an unthinkable compromise?! “call me tomorrow sometime”?? She knows my sister is leaving by 11am.

I try to call her, no answer. I text that we need to figure it out ASAP since my sister has to leave tomorrow. No answer. I call and text a few more times yesterday and no answer. I call and text repeatedly this morning, no answer.

My sister is now leaving Florida. Instead of heading north, she’s driving 3 hours east to a point halfway to my daughter’s mom while I attempt to contact her. If I can’t get ahold of her by then, she will either head north for home or, knowing my sister, south to beat down the door of the hotel and get my daughter. I have a PDF file of our custody order ready to email, just in case any police get involved. Meanwhile I am calling her every ten minutes and getting no answer.

2

Your sister is a peach.

And, of course, you should get a more clear visitation schedule in writing before it becomes a major issue. The most common one is to rotate Christmas and Thanksgiving holidays and the non-custodial parent gets a block of the summer – I’ve seen everything from 2 weeks to a month.

I wouldn’t worry too much about it otherwise. With no money and very little planning, it’s unlikely she’ll be able to afford the gas to even meet you halfway.

3

Still no answer.

I feel bad for my sister. If she has to go all the way to get her, it will add about 9 hours to their trip. Instead of driving straight home for 8 hours, they’ll be driving for 17 if they don’t stop and spend the night. It would almost be easier for me to drive down there. Well, I guess it would be easier if my daughter’s mom would just bring her back or answer her phone so she could meet my sister halfway.

She’s a good 6 years/$30,000 behind in child support. I’ve recently been thinking I should do something about that but I don’t think I’ll ever get a dime so I haven’t. This fiasco is making me want to drop by the child support office once my daughter gets back. Our custody order is actually from Colorado where she was living at the time, so anything I do will require a hearing to have the order “domesticated” in Tennessee first. That would be a good time to review the visitation.

4

Before this whole thing, you should have gotten everything in writing: What date they were leaving, what date they were coming back, how they were traveling, etc. And the moment she deviated from that written plan, you should have called the cops. What she’s doing is how a lot of kidnapping stories start.

5

Unless she gets the custody agreement amended, you don’t have to send your daughter out of state for *any *reason. And no sane judge would require an amendment for someone who’s so far behind on child support. This may effectively result in no visitation, but that was the choice she made when moving out of state.

Yes. I would absolutely call the cops and report a kidnapping if your daughter isn’t on her way home today. I don’t see how she’s doing anything but either 1) kidnapping your daughter or 2) playing a manipulative game.

6

My sister reached the halfway point and we discussed what to do. If she went south for 3 hours and showed up at the hotel, they might not have been there. She could wait there all day until they showed up but that’s kind of ridiculous. Even if I called the police, her mom could say she was bringing her home tomorrow, and the cops aren’t going to make her give her daughter to my sister. So, there’s really nothing she could do and I ended up telling her to head north and go home.

Yep, this is all my mistake for not getting everything settled in writing beforehand. She does have a history of this, but that was 6-7 years ago. She took her to Florida over Christmas and it was fine, I figured it would be this time too.

We’re not at parental kidnapping quite yet but it’s getting close. We didn’t originally say what day she’d be back, but she was to get her for two weeks and have her back this weekend. She got her on Friday so technically she should have been back yesterday, but we never specifically agreed on a day, and over the past few days we had talked about “Saturday or Sunday”. Once I get ahold of her mom, assuming I get ahold of her, I’m going to get a guarantee on when she’ll be home, then it’s game on if she doesn’t show up.

The good thing is that she’s broke and I know where she is. It’s not like she can flee the country. Worse case scenario is that I may have to go to Florida and show up with the police. It will be a huge pain in the ass but the main thing is that I’m not really worried about my daughter’s wellbeing, just how much baby mama drama her mom is going to put me through to get her back.

Once I do get her back, I’m going to put her through some baby daddy drama with the child support. I don’t know if she will be able to show up for it, but this will definitely come up during the hearing to domesticate the custody order. Not that it matters, I don’t have to allow her to go out of state, but she won’t have much luck trying to change that now.

7

So, hindsight 20/20 and all, but you may want to get your daughter a cheap, pre-paid cell phone with instructions to keep it charged and with her at all times when she’s with her egg donor.

I hope this has a quick resolution.

8

Oh, this doesn’t sound good. I hope this gets resolved soon, I know I’d be worried.

9

How old is your daughter? Is wanting to stay because of ???
She is that far behind & you thought it would not be a problem?
She was so good about things, you got divorced why?
What will your daughter do if she can’t go at a future date? She thinks her Mom is great?
Is there a step Mom or SO in your & her life now?
You balk at going after your daughter because of the drive? You know that reasonable & bio-mom do not compute, right?
What plans of yours would that mess up?

If nothing is in writing, it is all he said she said, call cops and charge kidnapping. The Bio=Mom needs some jail time. Then get her for failed child support. More jail time.

10

Ok, she finally called and said her phone never rang all day. No texts, no missed calls, nothing. Riiiight. I asked what her plans were and she said she was still waiting on her check that’s supposed to be in the mail, might be the middle of the week. I, trying to be civil, reminded her that her time was up and that the kiddo really needs to be back tomorrow so we need to figure out a plan before we end up in court, so how about meeting halfway? She said she’d check to see if she could borrow enough money to meet halfway, then called back saying she could, so I jumped on it and said we’d meet in Atlanta at 2pm tomorrow.

I guess I’ll head for Atlanta in the morning. I think she knows the trouble she’d be in if she didn’t show up, so hopefully she will. I guess I’ll drive the rest of the way to Florida if she doesn’t.

How old is your daughter? Is wanting to stay because of ???

She’s 8 and is having an ok time but wants to come home.

She is that far behind & you thought it would not be a problem?

She’s just never paid but has always has enough to get by on. She’s never had trouble bringing her back since I got custody

She was so good about things, you got divorced why?

We weren’t married

What will your daughter do if she can’t go at a future date? She thinks her Mom is great?

She always has fun when she goes but she never wants to go

Is there a step Mom or SO in your & her life now?

No. Are you asking me out… uh, Ma’am? Sir?

You balk at going after your daughter because of the drive? You know that reasonable & bio-mom do not compute, right? What plans of yours would that mess up?

I don’t mind going, but meeting my sister would have been perfect for everyone and her mom said she’d take her to my sister then went incommunicado for 24 hours knowing my sister was leaving the area.

11

She met me and I got the kiddo. We’re on the way home. I had to give her mom some gas money :rolleyes:

12

I’m so glad. Giving her gas money is much better overall than some of the alternatives. I’m sure you’re relieved!

13

Sounds like a shitty situation but you’re to be applauded for making an effort to allow your daughter access to her mother, flaky as that mother may be.

I’m surprised she has been able to get that far behind on support. In the great state of Arizona you must pay all support through the child support clearinghouse and they automatically garnish paychecks if you’re working. They regularly issue arrest warrants for deadbeat parents for contempt of court if they fall to pay, as well as revoking your driver’s license and any government issued professional licenses.

14

I like this ↑↑↑

15

Back in the early 1970s, when my father was a college professor, he got a phone call from the sheriff of a nearby county saying that they had one of his students in jail, and he (the student) was very concerned about the fact that he had an exam the next day, and so the sheriff was calling to verify his excuse, that he was in fact, in jail, and would probably not be able to get before a judge and make bail in time to get to his exam. Could he get a make-up exam? My father asked why he was in jail, and it turned out it was for non-payment of child support. My father replied that he could get a make-up exam when his child support was up to date.

16

Sounds like a winner all the way around. You are likely to have sympathetic ears here when you want to vent about your daughter’s mom’s lack of responsibly or lack of interest in her own child - so that you don’t vent to your daughter.

(But your daughter WILL figure it out - once every three months or so? Yeah…winner)

17

In the “great” state of AZ you only have to pay child support on the first 6 kids you father. If you father 7 kids, then leave your wife, you don’t have to pay for the 7th kid until the oldest ages out. AZ may do child support collections well, but they suck at determining it.

18

Yay! I just was checking in here to make sure you got your daughter back. :slight_smile:

I don’t have any advice for you, except maybe to ask the court to withhold visitation with “Mom” until she’s paid at least some of the past due support. Don’t know if they can do that, but it seems unreasonable that she’s not holding up any part of her agreement but still gets all her visitation rights.

19

Visitation isn’t dependent upon payment of child support, usually, because visitation is a right of the child as well as the parent, and if a parent falls on hard times, it’s wrong to deprive the child of parental contact.

That said, it sounds like the mother is pretty flaky in the visitation as well, and a pretty good case can be made for neglect of both financial support, and actual attention paid to the child, not to mention this incident, which, if not exactly kidnapping, probably qualifies as “custodial interference.”

She’s not bipolar by any chance, is she?

20

I’d think that not returning a child on time with this much lag and for these reasons, and the custodial parent having to drive to another state to get her, would be considered a problem.