Daughter now refuses to visit noncustodial parent

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hey all, hope your day is going well. My husband had told me about this website earlier. I thought I should ask for some advice since there seem to be many attorneys here.

I know that a child cannot dictate visitation. My 12 year old daughter outright refuses to go to visit her father. We do have a court order, one which I am in the process of getting modified for various reasons. One of these reasons is that, from what my daughter tells me, much of what happens at the father’s house is emotional abuse.

I know I have to modify the order, and we are in the process of doing that (wheels of justice turn slowly). My question is, my kid just completely refuses to go. She doesn’t care if I ground her, take things away from her… the only thing I haven’t done is beat her.

The father is constantly threatening me, even before these episodes… Father is also being tried three more times for contempt for a variety of issues. I am in fear that he will hold me in contempt (or at least try) because I am not physically picking up my daughter and throwing her into his car.

Is that what I am expected to do in this case? Father has done enough damage to our lives as it is, and since he is extremely petty, I know he will assume that this is all my fault to begin with. I think something new happened at his home, but my daughter won’t open up about it… and I’m very worried about that. I’m going to be looking for a therapist on Monday for her.

But back on topic, I bet that the father could file contempt against me, but I really am doing everything I can short of physically forcing her inside his vehicle. I do not have a relationship with the father at all for many reasons, and I will not let him inside my house because he has a history of violence with me. Throughout this entire process, I have felt that the noncustodial parent has all the power (I know most contend the opposite), because I follow everything in that court order and he wipes his rear with it entirely.

I’m just afraid that this will escalate, ruin the contempt cases that the father is facing, and possibly even land my daughter and I in jail. I saw an article about a 13 year old boy being arrested for resisting without violence because he refused to go with his father’s visitation in Bradenton, Florida.

Any help, advice or insight would be really appreciated.

2

Depending on where you are, the court may take the 12-year-old’s feelings into account.

Is there anyone you can call in the family court system to work on this pre-emptively, before her father files any lawsuits? Something like this should be handled reasonably quickly, especially since at 12, no one can expect a parent to bodily deliver a child anywhere.

Good luck.

3

What GrumpyBunny said - do you have a lawyer, or a social services person you normally work with? They should be able to point you in the right direction.

4

Tell him that you will meet at a neutral place to make the exchange – like at a local police station or a child social worker office.

You bring her to that location; that makes it unlikely that you will be found in contempt.
Then you will have witnesses when your daughter absolutely refuses to go with him, and screams and makes a fuss in front of these people, etc.* You should tell her of the court order, then just sit there – don’t physically force her to go. But if he tries to physically force her, object. The police or social workers are likely to intervene if she is screaming and he is trying to drag her away. It’s quite possible that she will end up going home with you, if she is that opposed to the visitation.

[* Do not coach her into doing this, that will get you in trouble, and such coaching is fairly obvious to experienced child workers. Besides, she’s probably smart enough to think of it herself.]

5

You need to discuss this with your attorney. If you don’t have an attorney, you should get one. ASAP.

You might talk to your attorney about the possibility of requesting a *guardian ad litem *for the the child. Understand that if you do, you will have to pay at least part (typically half) of the GAL’s fee, as well as your own attorney fees.

6

You need to instruct a lawyer ASAP. If you cannot afford one, then check out whta sorts of free legal advice centers are available in your city. They can help.

7

I agree that a lawyer should be your first phone call - but a therapist should be the second. Don’t put that off a second longer.

At twelve, your daughter’s opinions on this might be respected, or they might not depending on jurisdiction, but it will help if your daughter and/or her therapist can articulate a specific problem that explains her feelings. Just saying, “I don’t want to”, probably won’t be enough. The therapist can help your daughter understand what she’s going through so that she can explain it to the judge. The therapist also might be able to testify on her behalf if she’s unable to testify for some reason.

And, of course, a therapist might help your daughter personally, as she struggles with the difficulties of her family life.

So, lawyer, then therapist. If you don’t know where to find a good therapist, speak to her pediatrician for a referral. They’ll probably have some ideas.

8

IANAL, but consulting with one seems like a damned good idea to me. It further seems to me that what you really want is the Court’s advice on what to do, so see if you can arrange to talk to the Judge with your daughter.

9

That’s not very likely to happen. Judges don’t usually meet privately with litigants. The judge might, in some jurisdictions, interview the child–but usually there would be a court reporter and attorneys present.

10

We have an attorney, he’s actually been dealing with this case for years. We just haven’t been able to afford him until recently. That is part of the reason as to why the father is being held in contempt.

We couldn’t afford the retainer for 3+ years, as a result, the father didn’t pay any support, failed to take my daughter to school many times, pulled her out of her therapy sessions that were court mandated. A lot of things really.

About two weeks ago, we had our first contempt hearing with him. The state had been trying to charge him three times. Every time he went, all they did was threaten his license with suspension and he would pay immediately.

This last time, the judge told him to pay a monthly payment in five days or go to jail. That was 9 days ago and he hasn’t paid anything. My ultimate fear is that the father believes he is going to be sent to jail and is doing really awful things to our daughter.

My attorney says there is nothing that can be done until a hearing later this year; that hearing would be the third contempt hearing because there is a second contempt hearing this week. I realize I’m being confusing, let me try to make it clearer with bulletpoints.

*If things continue this way, the father will have at least four contempt hearings this year.

*The first contempt hearing was about two years ago, and my daughter’s refusal to go to her father’s house has increased dramatically since then.

*In a week or so, the father is again being held on contempt, and I fear that he is taking his fears and insecurities out on my daughter.

*My attorney says that we won’t really be able to mention anything until the third contempt hearing. This is when we will also be starting to give reasons for modification of the standing child support/visitation agreement.

*There will be another contempt hearing after the one just mentioned above, probably November or December of this year.

The father has been doing many awful things, but I won’t get into a pity party. I am just worried that he will be able to do this for many more months. Because there isn’t any evidence of physical abuse, we can’t ask for an emergency order. Our attorney says that emotional abuse is overused and can make me look unreasonable or petty.

Is my only choice then to get a therapist and let him continue to do the damage he has been doing all these years? It’s horrible, I can finally afford some help, but nothing can be done to speed the process up.

11

Can your daughter talk to a social worker or counselor at school? That might move the wheels from a different direction. Not you, her.

12

Would this fall within the realm of Child Protective Services? That might be another avenue.

I don’t know a lot about the legal system, but when the lawyer says nothing can be done right now, that doesn’t seem right. Not that I have any experience or anything - just a gut feeling…

13

Is supervised visitation an option?

14

It’s been several decades since my divorce and dealing with custody issues but some parts of your story don’t make sense to me. If he did not pay any child support at all for 3 years how did he have any custody rights at all re having her stay over taking her to school etc.? Did you let her go over to his house and stay with him while he was stiffing you on child support all those years? How does he expect to have any custody rights at all if he’s not paying any CS?

15

Since you indicate you are now re-married and your financial situation has stabilized the other issue you might want to consider is offering him the option to terminate child support in exchange dropping his expectation of any custody. If her going is (for her) such a trial and him paying is (for him) such a trial just see if you can kill two birds with one stone. This also, if he agrees, eliminates future attorney fees.

Since this such a trial for everyone it might be the best bargain you can make.

16

Poor kid.

A ping pong ball in adult bullshit.

17

I understand that until the court order is changed, you have a legal obligation to try to make the visitations happen. But I do not understand why you are grounding your daughter. What a life this kid has. A father who makes her afraid, and a mom who is more afraid of a contempt charge than seeing to her daughter’s emotional and perhaps physical wellbeing.

18

It’s your attorney’s job to make the case and make it stick. If you think an emergency order is necessary, then get one. Refusing to even try because it might make you look petty … actually makes your attorney look like he’s blowing you off. It might be time to get a new attorney. I mean, it’s not like this attorney is actually producing results, is he? At least get a second opinion.

Yes. You need to get a therapist, and then you and that therapist need to stop letting the father sabotage the therapy sessions. Or, if he doesn’t stop, then the therapist can go to court and tell the judge that an emergency order is necessary since the court ordered therapy is being obstructed. And voila, you don’t look petty because the therapist is testifying on your behalf.

You’re going to have to do the heavy lifting here - with all of these people: the father, the attorney, the therapist. There’s no quick and easy procedure that will strip the father of all his rights. If you want him out of her life, you’re going to have to work with the system to make it happen. Sometimes you will have to get out and push.

But really. Get a therapist who will fight for you and get a second opinion from a lawyer who’s more of a fighter.

Have you talked to Child Protective Services? I know everyone hates CPS but they exist for a reason.

19

If she is held in contempt she may lose substantial leverage with a judge or related administrator in getting favorable rulings for her side for the dispute and in some scenarios may lose custody entirely if the Judge gets pissed enough. Being careful about not being in contempt is quite prudent.

20

I agree this is the best idea. If he’s now getting threatened with jail time he’s more likely to sign off on that right now.