What should I do about my child's father?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My daughter is 10 years old. When she was born I was barely 18 and her dad was 20. I broke up with him for good when she was a couple months old, but for the first 5 years of her life, her dad was very involved with her and took her overnight about once a week, if not more. When neither of us had a car, he would take the bus to pick her and bring her home (in hindsight he should have expected me to do one way, but he didn’t). He really seemed to make her a priority, and as much as he gets on my last nerve, I always admired him for that, especially because he never met his own father until after she was born, and had a pretty dysfunctional upbringing.

I just don’t know how to explain this right to make it clear that he was not a typical deadbeat dad. I wouldn’t have never expected him to ever be, and neither would anyone else who knows us both that I have discussed this with. It used to be that I could do things like call him and say my car was broken and I couldn’t drive her to school and I needed him to, and he would do it–first taking her to breakfast, even though it made him late for work (and he’s ALWAYS held down a full-time job and been responsible with that).

When she was 5, he started seeing her less regularly. Part of that I blame myself for, because, as I said, he gets on my last nerve, and I’m sure I could have been easier to get along with. In hindsight, when she was a baby I was very controlling, like I would write him long instructions about exactly what to do with her, and admonish him when he did things like put the wrong (admittedly ridiculous) outfit on her. More recently I would make it a major issue that he refused to do her hair properly–things like that.

So anyway, for the last ~5 years, he has not been a constant presence in her life. It just breaks my heart. I feel like I’d be better able to accept it if he’d been like that from the start, but of course I could be wrong about that.

What I’m trying to figure out is how much effort I should make now to get him involved. I am just crying my eyes out typing this and feeling so guilty because I feel so bad for putting her in this situation and because I feel like it’s my fault for contributing to making things difficult in this situation before.

Let me just say: I’m smart; he is not. When I get to feeling defensive, I feel like it’s all his fault for not asserting his rights to see her, but honestly, he is not that bright. His intentions are not bad–I’ve never felt otherwise.

Anyway, in the last few years, he’s seen/talked to her a couple/few times a year and that’s it. He’s been married for the past couple years and his wife was recently just diagnosed with MS, so obviously they have some hardship to deal with. They live a ways from us–about a 45 minute drive, but he doesn’t have a car right now, and by bus, it would take much longer.

I just keep going back and forth about what I should do. I could try to encourage him to be more of a presence in her life, but I’ve already tried that repeatedly and I just don’t know how much I should “beg” him, you know?

I admit that for some of that time I was bitter and harder to deal with, but for the last few years I really am not. Of course, he could have seen her regardless of me being difficult to deal with, but as I said, he’s not that bright and he doesn’t have a good example to follow. That’s why I blame myself for discouraging him.

I’ve made it plenty clear to smart folks such as ourselves that he has every right to be involved in her life (repeatedly TELLING him to get legal visitation rights), and that I do not want to stand in the way of that–but he’s not us. I just don’t know how far I should go to try to convince him to be more involved in our daughter’s life.

A few possibly relevant facts: he has no other kids (as far as I know, he and his wife haven’t been able to conceive [he told my mom before that they were trying]); he’s always paid child support as ordered; and he’s always called her on major holidays, if not seen her, which has only become rare in the last few years due in part to him living kind of far away and not always having transportation. Also, he has ALWAYS made it clear that he wants to be with me, but I have no desire to be with him, which is partially where my guilt originates.

I just want to know if I should keep appealing to his sense of decency and trying to get him to see/talk to our daughter regularly. As I said, I know I’ve been immature and difficult to deal with in the past, but lately I know I have been VERY reasonable and accommodating to him. If he was ME, I’d know he could figure this shit out himself and make his own decisions, but he’s not. I will never believe that his intentions are bad, even though his actions really have been.

But should I continue to call him and try to get him to be more involved with our daughter? Or just let it go and try to console her for things being the way they are? I would appreciate any input. Thank you.

2

Without knowing more, and probably even if I did: keep calling him and keep trying. It is so important for a girl to know and feel loved by her father. Bend over backwards (like he used to do). Take the high road. You love her and it sounds like you have done a good job with her and co-parenting has not been easy. I would say keep trying. Maybe even acknowledge to him some of what you’ve said in here: tell him you appreciate things he did in retrospect, tell him you realize you could have been easier to get along with, etc. Tell him how much you appreciated his presence in her life before. See if any of that helps. My two cents.

3

It sounds as if for many years he was appealing to YOUR sense of decency, and you just made life difficult for him.

Why is it up to him to "figure this shit out " ?

You obviously do not respect him because you feel that “I’m smart; he is not”.
Maybe it is time to eat a little humble pie and write him a long and honest letter telling him how you admire how responsible he has been in the past, and let him know that you understand his current situation with his wife.

I think you should explain to him that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make it easier for him to visit his daughter.

4

He has no car and he’s married to someone with MS? His wife has undoubtably been ailing for some time prior to diagnosis, and dealing with such an illness can be quite time consuming and exhausting. It may be that a lot of his energy is tied up with a sick wife and, knowing you’re a very responsible and capable human being, he lets you take care of your child. After all, he knows the kid is in good hands. You may be underestimating how much time and energy his wife requires at this point. Coping with a disabled spouse is no easy task, as I know all too well from my own marriage.

Yes, you yourself have some less than wonderful personality quirks. You’re human, just like the rest of us, and you are not required to be perfect. Perhaps you feel compelled to try to be perfect all the time, hence your overly detailed instructions to your child’s father and the like.

The transportation issues sound significant in this scenario as well.

You say that he hasn’t cut off all contact - that’s good. Your daughter does know who her father is, and that’s good.

Meanwhile - keep the door open for him. Let him know you fully support him spending more time with your daughter. Do YOU have a car? Perhaps you should offer to either pick him up or drop your daughter off for a visit.

Explain to your daughter that daddy’s new wife is ill with a bad disease and he needs to take care of her. Because he does. I think you may be seriously underestimating just how much of a burden MS can be. It would be unethical of him to neglect his wife, wouldn’t it? As you’ve said, he’s a responsible human being and quite ethical, perhaps he is making the best choice possible with his limited resources.

5

Your daughter is 10 now, and perfectly able to pick up a phone and arrange visits and stuff with her dad independently of you. IOW, I think the time has come for you to take a bit of a back-seat in controlling their relationship. You are obviously ambivalent about his presence (referring to him a couple of times as not very intelligent etc) but still wanting him to be a focus in your daughters life, yes?

Get your daughter to ring/write or email her dad so that they can set up their own stuff without you being too involved (apart from doing the actual hard-yakka delivering and picking up stuff etc). And when it happens, just be really grateful that you have an ex partner who is interested and commited enough to still want to do stuff and spend time with his kid.

He sounds like a decent sort of dad. Be thankful. :slight_smile:

6

It sounds to me like you are incapable of answering the OP because your first comment is to attack her.

7

OP, have you apologized?

8

I disagree** BigT.** The OP acknowledges that she has been difficult, but doesn’t (from the post) seem to understand that her actions back then might be having an impact now. I reckon that simple homer is justified in posting what he/she did.

YMMV of course. :wink:

9

You’re right, I should make it clear to him not that I understand and appreciate the effort he’s gone to in the past. That seems so clear now, but that’s why I asked, sometimes things seem clear to people on the outside but aren’t so clear to the people involved.

Lately I’ve just been offended on her behalf, and wondering how much more trouble I should go to just to get him to do the right thing. But even though I’ve tried to be accommodating lately, I haven’t explicitly told him how I feel about the things have gone on in the past.

Honestly, I’m not trying to be disrespectful of him, he’s just not that smart. Some people aren’t. When I felt STUCK with him, sure, that made me feel trapped and bitter, but that’s been years and now it’s just a matter of fact. It doesn’t make him a bad person, and he’s not a bad person.

But I think you’re right. I’ve just gotten to feeling so indignant that I don’t know if the right thing to do would be to just explain to my daughter the best that I can that he’s just not being a good father right now…but it can’t hurt to just tell him all this and see if maybe that changes things.

I’m sure you’re right. Plus, he was pretty sick himself for a while before that, but as far as I know (which isn’t much at this point), his illness (epilepsy) is better managed now. But I guess that may have set the stage for him NOT being involved, and now it’s more awkward for him to come back into the picture (although he wasn’t for a while before that either).

Thanks, you’ve given me some things to think about. Of course it would be wrong for him to neglect his wife. I guess I’ve been thinking things to myself like that they don’t get along to begin with so why should he put her above his daughter, but that really isn’t the point.

(And I know that makes me sound like I’m jealous or something, which isn’t the case at all. But I guess I am jealous on my daughter’s behalf, and I was before too when he had girlfriends with kids and spent more time with them than he did with her. But it’s nothing beyond that.)

I definitely want him to be in her life, but you’re right, I don’t want him influencing her that much, so I am ambivalent. And yes, things could be much worse. He’s not a bad guy. I just don’t know how far I should go to try to convince him to be a good guy. If it was someone else and all I knew of the situation was that their child’s father (or mother) had barely been around for 5 years, I would say that’s their own fault, you don’t abandon your child no matter how difficult life gets (which is why I’ve emphasized what I feel are mitigating circumstances in this case).

I have not. But I will.

I’ve just been feeling like he’s more wrong than I am because he’s the one not even seeing his child…but to write that out it sounds silly and petty, because it is. I can apologize for my part without it being implicit that he hasn’t done anything wrong too.

I do understand, that’s why I mentioned it. I just can’t help but feeling like if it was ME, I wouldn’t be so easily dissuaded from seeing my child, and neither should anyone else be. But I guess it’s not always that simple.

10

Bolding mine. Don’t do that.

He’s still paying child support, he’s still calling his daughter and remembering special events – sounds like he’s doing the best he can and better than many absent parents.

Ditto on encouraging your daughter and her father to maintain contact however they can – e-mail, phone calls, Facebook, whatever works.

You’ve explained how you feel about all of this – how does your daughter feel?

11

snip.

You don’t get that choice. If you want him to be present and be important then you have to accept his influence on your child. If you aren’t comfortable with that, then accept his money and get on with your lives. By your own admission he isn’t a bad person; you need to grow up a little bit and deal with the fact that he has as much right to his child as you do. That means he has a much right to talk to her about life and all it’s intricacies as you do. For a long time you did pretty much whatever you could to make his life difficult, to show your control; that will not be repaired quickly. in addition, your daughter is now growing up, and no doubt expressing herself in a more assertive manner. Whether you know it or not, whether she knows it or not, your bitterness has crept into their relationship. Let her take control of arranging to see him. They may well grow apart, but if it is on their own terms they will have a better chance of repairing it later. Forcing her or him will only continue to foster resentment. I suggest you start as others have mentioned, with a heartfelt letter to him apologizing for past indiscretions and demonstrating your willingness to let go of control of their interactions. Mention you understand about his situation and make the effort to ferry her to him when she wants to see him. Be the bigger person, according to you, he did it for an awfully long time.

12

Let technology be your friend. There are many ways for the two of them to stay in contact with each other in between face to face visits.

Skype-free computer/computer or computer/mobile phone calls and video calls (show off her latest test paper or drawing) A web camera can be had for as little as $11.95. Calls are free so no long distance phone charges to worry about.

AOL Instant Messenger- free I have even used it to talk to my son when he is in his room- sent him a message “DINNER’S READY” (All caps to indicate that I am shouting it) He is away from home now and we still message more than we talk on the phone.

Facebook for just the two of them

Don’t want to use the Internet?-plain paper fax/phone/copier to fax school papers,drawings, or notes back and forth. (quick check of office supply store shows plain paper fax/copier/phone for $49.99)

Get her a cell phone on his plan so the calls are free. (maybe keep the cell phone at home to limit it’s use to just call daddy)

You commented on his coming and going both ways to visit her before, maybe it is time you return the favor and do both trips. You don’t have to go into his house if you don’t want to-you can watch her go into his house from your car. (you also show her that you think it is important for them to have their own relationship)

13

Has your daughter gotten to know her fathers new wife? It might be easier for all involved if her father could combine fathering with caring for his wife. Father daughter time need not be him taking just her to the zoo; it might be taking his wife and daughter to the zoo and the daughter helping with pushing the wifes wheelchair. Or her joining him on his afternoon running errands. Or her joining her dad and his wife for an evening of playing cards, or whatever.

It can only be good for your daughter if she isn’t raised with feeling indignant about not getting enough from her father, but instead asking what she can do for her father and his new wife. That offers a much more natural way to develop a warm bond quite naturally.

You might need to explain this to your daughter, though. And to your husband.

14

Hang on. I think you need to recalibrate your expectations. He pays child support and he call his daughter, and according to you, he’s hard working and ethical. It certainly doesn’t sound like he’s abandoned your daughter.

He’s got epilepsy, his wife has MS, neither has a car, and they live 45 minutes away. Riding the bus for two hours might well be beyond him. Talking on the phone might be all he can manage right now.

Honestly, it sounds like it might be your turn to do the driving for a while. And another vote for your daughter being old enough to call him and tell him she’s thinking of him, when the mood hits her.

15

I am amazed by how gentle people are being in this thread.

To me, the OP should be down on her knees begging her daughter’s father for forgiveness for how petty and nasty she was to him.

Any many is only human, he made his life hell each time he wanted to see his daughter, yet even though he has a wife with a debilitating illness, no car and is sick himself, he has always paid child support, he makes the effort to remember special events - the OP should be thanking her stars how responsible he is.

I think the solution is simple - call up the daddy and offer to drive kid across to see him two or three days a week, and at the same time tell him that you realise how petty and nasty you used to be, and that it won’t happen again.

I literally have trouble believing that you would have the gall to scold him over how she was dressed - here’s a newsflash for you, as her father he has every right to decide what she wears - even if to you it is ridiculous, nobody made you the arbiter of what is and is not right for her to wear or the fashion police.

Then watch and see from there what happens.

16

You mean like the guy he spent 5 years being, in the face of what sounds like nearly-constant harping and bitching about stupid, petty bullshit? Those days will probably never come back; he lives farther away (with no car), he has other very serious responsibilities that he didn’t have then, and relationships between girls and their fathers tend to get more distant around her age even under the best of circumstances. If you honestly want him to be a bigger part of her life, it’s your turn to do the heavy lifting here.

What that heavy lifting should entail, exactly, depends on what exactly it is that you want/expect from this situation. You need to figure out in some detail what you want from him, and then figure out what you can do to make that easier on him, just like he made things easier on you for five years.

At a minimum, you should encourage your daughter to call, write, email, Skype, and otherwise take an active part in having a relationship with her dad.

17

Wow OP - you’ve behaved really badly, and now it’s like you’re trying to make your bad behaviour his fault - insulting him, belittling his ability to parent, making life difficult, being totally unsupportive of his own personal life stresses. Shame on you - this situation isn’t all about you - it’s about your daughter and her dad. I think you owe BOTH of them an apology for contributing to the current distance in their relationship.

Further, you are grossly underestimating what’s involved with MS and dealing with it - one of my good friends has MS and some days she can barely get out of bed. She is his wife and he’s elected to make her is primary concern - given how difficult you’ve made it for him to have a relationship with his daughter, I really can’t blame him.

If you really want your daughter to have more of a relationship, you need to quit being so judgmental of him (and frankly, he does not sound like a ‘bad dad’ - he sounds like a guy dealing with a control freak ex who was using the child as a pawn), apologize and offer to make his daughter more accessible to him - if that means you drive her over or pick him up or they meet in the middle and you get her there, so be it.

God - I grew up with a self-absorbed mom like you. I’m 37 now and I STILL resent her attempt to control my life and those of everyone around her. Smarten up - you still have a chance to fix this.

18

Another vote for you offering to drive. Call him up, tell him you are sorry you’ve been difficult in the past and would like to make amends by making things easier now. Ask him whether he would like you to drive your daughter over for a visit - whether just a lunch or an overnight.

He may be having a very hard time keeping up - it’s possible that the house is in no shape for a visit from a child. You need to be sympathetic and understanding, and to let him tell you what the challenges are without fear of judgment.

It’s also possible that since visiting him means visiting her, Dad is concerned about the pain of bonding with an MS sufferer for the child. It is unbelievably heartbreaking, and you hsould think this through as well. Woudl it be better for you to arrange a neutral meeting place for them?

hth

19

Please tell us that the terms you use here to describe this man are not the terms you use with your daughter. Please.

Cluephone: no 10 year old child wants to know that her/his Dad is just not that smart, unable to come to her/him at a whim etc.

Clue2by4: you did your best to push him out of your (you and your daughter’s) life, and you succeeded. Be careful what you ask for; you may get it.

Why in hell can’t YOU drive your daughter over there? Why can’t you initiate meetings etc? Most importantly, why haven’t you provided an atmosphere at home where your daughter feels comfortable calling up her dad just to say hello etc? :dubious:

It sounds to me like you had a child when you were a child yourself. Unfortunately, that is irrelevant to the upbringing of this child. It’s good that you feel bad about past behavior. I would write him a letter as has been suggested. Thing is, he may not be ready to “hear you” yet. He does have other pressing things on his mind. Him not hearing you (that is accepting the apology and moving forward with a clean slate) is the risk you take for your past behavior. Here’s the hooker: even if he doesn’t hear you, you still have to keep putting it out there, just like he did all those years when you were focused on her outfit matching and her hair being “right”.

Good luck. I hope for your daughter’s sake, he does hear you. It’s not easy being a single parent–but it’s even harder to be a noncustodial one.

20

I think the thread should be titled:

What should I do to change myself?

I mean this sincerely, your actions with him are (probably) indicitive of how you will be with her in a few years. Your controlling ways will do nothing but poison your life.