Attention Thread-Killers: Bow to your new King

Back in my hey-day, it seemed I couldn’t find the time to keep up with all the threads in which I had involved myself. In fact my job consisted of merely being present at a desk, so the SDMB was all I did.
Then I took a little mental health break from the boards.
Now I’ve come back, and granted I have a job now where I’m actually required to work, but I have been semi-active as late.

But great googley-moogley, I have got the Ultimate Thread-Killing Touch. There ain’t a single thread I’ve contributed to that’s near the top of the page. The two or three threads I’ve started have dissapeared like the city of Alantis. And my personal stalker seems to have abandoned me. I haven’t heard the word “Fabio” spoken in anger in months. If it weren’t for poopa chalupa’s Hamburger Helper thread I’d have gone nuts.

Not that I’m complaining. In fact I think I can be a boon to the boards. If there is a thread you wish would just die, don’t email a moderator, just let me know. I’ll post to it and {POOF}, it’s gone.

I can only take solace in knowing that maybe three people will even read this post before it disappears.


Is it any wonder I’m replying to this thread?


Because I think I do the same thing. If the damn thread isn’t locked right after I post to it, and it survives that test, it will inevitably drop like a rock off the boards.

I don’t even search for my user name anymore. I used to, many moons ago, but now it’s pointless. Why do I want to go back and see my last post on a thread?

Even if the thing keeps struggling along after my post, people skip right over me and chat about everyone around me.

For instance, about a week ago, someone asked for some help in a different forum. I was cruising around and spotted it. Not only did I get in first and post to it, but I nailed the answer. “Damn straight!”, I thought. Right after that, about an hour later, another poster comes along with my exact same answer. Hello!?! Was my post invisible mister! And it’s not like it was a simal-post or anything, it was an hour later! And if that wasn’t bad enough, it gets worse. The original poster comes back and… you guessed it… thanks the yuts who posted after me!

Totaly avoided me.

I about gave up after that.

Then there’s the ‘Where do you reside’ thread that’s all the rage right now. Everone’s in there saying where they’re from and getting a little smiley above their city on a big-time map. I go there, say something funny and mention my city. I check back a few days later for my smiley and…



I’m knowhere to be seen. Of all the people on that thing, I get missed- I don’t get my smiley. I had to pratically beg to get my name included.
So, now, after some serious consideration and thought, I have a plan… I’m gonna threaten people. You know, a kinda extortion thing. “You want your thread to survive? Huh punk!?! E-mail me some cash… or I gonna post to it.”


I come in here all dressed up for my coronation and what do I find?

A coupla pretenders to the throne!

Jack Batty? you’re right out! You’ve had at least one thread started about you, fer crying out loud!
You’ve had nubile young female dopers lusting after your virtual body, even! HA!

CnoteChris now, that guy’s got some credentials, but nobody can get ignored better’n me! You’re probably not even reading this post right now, are you? Hah! I thought not. So you won’t ever find out that the way to get Demo to put you on his map is to say something nice about his boat. But you’ll never know that 'cause you’re skipping right over this post, aren’t you?


Bumbazine, Lord High Commander of the Royal Order of Invisible Posters and Threadkiller Extrordinaire.

Before you guys start feeling so high and mighty about what viscious killers you are, I’d like you to search the last few weeks and you will see that in MPSIMS alone I have personally administered the kiss of death to at least a half dozen threads. And I’m supposed to save life not take it away.

And Fabio, the only reason I stopped stalking you was because I was picking up a little “I’m-not-sure-if-you-are-serious-or-not-but-back-off-a-little-bit-'cause-you’re-scaring-me-girl vibe”. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that.

No more of this whining crap or I shall be forced to come over there and personally spank you. You’ve been a very, very naught boy haven’t you? And don’t think I can’t find our where you live, cause I have ways, oh yes I have ways.

See what you made me do? 2 typos in 1 paragraph. Oh yes, I’m beginning to think you must really really want me to punish you. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT???

And don’t lie to me, I can tell if you are lying.


Y’all got nothin’. The trick isn’t to be the last to post, but, in my case, the second- or third-to-last to post. Happens all the time.
Much more subtle, I think. I slay them by the hundreds, but you’ll not find my prints on the dagger, oh no, just maybe a trace that I was there. Watch, you’ll see.

Hi Jack Batty

I’m a newbie but I’ll stalk you if you want. :slight_smile: Of course I may need to take some lessons from The Mermaid because I am well… just a newbie. And I’ve been looking for something to do to pass the time. :smiley:
Any helpful advice Mermaid?
So Jack - How YOU doing?

Oh, no you didn’t.

Jack Batty, CNoteChris, Bumbazine, et all, believe me when I tell you that particlewill is the undisputed Super-Mega-Thread-Killer-o-Doom for all time. Period. There is no question, since we had a friggin’ contest to find out.

And now, I must give you this sound advice: Do NOT start another thread like this. The last one didn’t go over too well, as I found out personally. I can only recommend that you run as far away as you can from this thread, cause I think I saw Euty headed for his “Rusty Shed of Doom” a while back, and I hate to think what he’s gonna come out with…

Ha! See what I mean Jack? No sooner do you show up than The Mermaid shows up batting her eyes and offering to spank you.

Feel free to ignore this post just like all the others.

I’m changing my sig to “Hey, I just said that!”

I’m beginning to think that almost everyone feels this way on the board. There’s a famous few who generate comment either through quality, quantity or sheer insanity, but it seems that a lot of folks write articulate thoughtful posts, only to be left wondering if anyone else has even read them. In my own case, I’ve found it fun to delude myself into thinking that the readers of my posts are struck dumb in awe, and as a result are intimidated to respond. A legend in my own mind…

In response to all those in this thread, I recognise your names, I admire your posts, and I think you all contribute to the wonder which is the SDMB.

Great. So it’s going to be locked?


You want to know how bad this is? Do you? Do you really?

I go to quote the ‘impending doom’ post above? Guess what. Because my computer is melt-down mode and has crashed twice in two days, forcing two complete reformats (One would have left me sober), I’ve been forced to punch in my name and password with each post (Long story). I punch it in, "Capitol ‘C’… small n… small o… etc. Password- Capitol B… number 8… upside down P… "


Well, actually, it did say, “You don’t have access to…”

“Capitol ‘C’… small n… small o…”

I had to go back and check my username to make sure I hadn’t been banned.

Seven tries later and the main frame decided to give up and let me be heard.

You guys think you have it bad.

And I don’t even want to know about the stalkers. Up until now, I didn’t know they existed around here.

Some people get all the luck.

Yoo Hoo Bumbazine

I guess I’ll be forced to keep my eye on you too?

Don’t make me come over there, cause if it ain’t clear by now…I’ve got ways oh yes I’ve got ways.

Before Euty whips out the Rusty Shed of Doom-o-Matic Meat Cleaver From Toledo (or whatever, I wasn’t really paying attention) I must point out two things.

1 - I did not, and do not intend this thread to be a “see who can be the last one to post” fiasco - I was just feeling a little thread-killerish and could think of nothing else to say at the moment.

2 - I am shocked that this thread has survived this long.

Yes, I admit, I’ve had appreciation threads [sub]:: buffs fingernails on lapel ::[/sub]
and I’ve had nubile young Doperettes offer to spank me [sub] :: subtley displayes buttocks ::[/sub]
but since I’ve come back from my recent self-imposed exile, it’s like this is a different place. Did I miss a memo? Where did all these new people come from. Satan is banned?!? I am now prepared to stop whining. It seems most of the newbies here-abouts are right upstanding posters.
… what was I talking about anyway?

Whatever, I will work at bettering myself in the eyes of my fellow Dopers, with the goal that every thread I start or contribute to never dies out of sheer idolotry, or something like that.

[sub]but I still wanna be King[/sub]

I’d like to call your attention to this

It was almost two weeks before I posted again.

You may now kiss my feet.

Yeah, I have the same problem.

Nobody notices me…

Hell, I posted the most freakish thing I’ve ever seen and it generated ONE response. Gave it a suggestive title and everything.

That’s why I don’t attend the dope-fests…I must be uber-mundane and pointless.

Oh well, what can you do.

CnoteChris you think your computer hates you, look what kind of crap I have to put up with whenever I try to copy one little file.

** Purd Werfect** Prepare to be ass-laminated.

[sub]My apologies to the doper who first posted that gif. I saved it and can’t find the original post. Thank you whoever you were. [/sub]

:Notices that she has been soundly ignored by Jack in spite of stroking his ego with Fabio remarks and making offers to resume stalking, to spank him for being a bad boy, and to perform countless other inferred acts:

:Has pen poised to cross him off her to-do list:


I have been killing threads on this board since you all were merely sparks in the eyes of your pappys.

I even kill my own threads. Here I started a thread based on my own very rigorous Straight-Dope-style research into the wholesomeness of TV programming. I did not recieve even one post past my own. Not even one. Not even after I linked the thread twice in other threads. Twice.

So there.

Jess the Once and Future Empress of Dead Threads


I have been killing threads on this board since you all were merely sparks in the eyes of your pappys.

I even kill my own threads. Here I started a thread based on my own very rigorous Straight-Dope-style research into the wholesomeness of TV programming. I did not recieve even one post past my own. Not even one. Not even after I linked the thread twice in other threads. Twice.

So there.

Jess the Once and Future Empress of Dead Threads

I subtley displayed my buttocks, didn’t I?