Australia Day (Jan 26th) check list

[penultima_thule]

With our National Day imminent and millions of lamb cutlets being prepared for the ritual BBQ it’s a reasonable time to indulge in some understated smugness of just how clever we are. But of course we don’t want to blow our own trumpets … that would be skiting.

None-the-less any objective reflection of little old Oz against it’s peers in comparative econometric terms shows we’re doing OK, to wit the latest OECD assessment:

“Australia’s long period of uninterrupted economic growth makes it the Iron Man among the OECD countries,” OECD Secretary-General Angel Gurría 14/12/2012.

Which frankly is getting a bit embarrassing and runs the risk of attracting unwanted attention. I mean we’ve only just recovered from that influx of Oprah’s apostles and now we hear Ellen DeGeneres’ hordes are heading this way as well.

So just a quick reference list for any locals who want to check the bona fides of any suspected blow-ins.

You know you’re Australian if …

1. You know the meaning of the word “girt”.
2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
3. You think it’s normal to have a Treasurer called Wayne.
4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
5. You’ve made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son’s pencil case when he first attends school.
7. When you hear that an American “roots for his team” you wonder how often and with whom.
8. You understand that the phrase “a group of women wearing black thongs” refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
9. You pronounce Melbourne as “Mel-bin”.
10. You pronounce Penrith as “Pen-riff”.
11. You believe the “l” in the word “Australia” is optional.
12. You can translate: “Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.”
13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
14. You call your best friend “a total bastard” but someone you really, truly despise is just “a bit of a bastard”.
15. You think “Woolloomooloo” is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
16. You’re secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that’s twice as big as its $2 coin.
18. You understand that “Wagga Wagga” can be abbreviated to “Wagga” but “Woy Woy” can’t be called “Woy”.
19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.
20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.
22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels’ song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.
23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
24. You still don’t get why the “Labor” in “Australian Labor Party” is not spelt with a “u”.
25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.
26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
27. You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them.
28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
29. You understand that “excuse me” can sound rude, while “scuse me” is always polite.
30. You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
31. You understand that “you” has a plural and that it’s “youse”.
32. You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call “Anzac cookies”.
35. You still think of Kylie as “that girl off Neighbours”.
36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you’re trying to sneak in fruit.
37. You believe the phrase “smart casual” refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.
41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government’s new test for migrants.
42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says “cobber”.
43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

First published in the Sydney Morning Herald, January 26, 2008.

[jabiru]

Bewdy bottler.

[GuanoLad]

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate.

[kambuckta]

Geez yer’ a dag Thulie.

It’s UGG boots, not ugh.

Happy Australia Day everyone. May youse getting a good drenching up north be safe, and may those others of youse still fighting fires down south get some relief today as well.

I love Australia. How can you NOT love a country that gives you a two-fer when Aus Day falls on a weekend??

[penultima_thule]

@kambuckta

Geez yer’ a dag Thulie.

It’s UGG boots, not ugh.

Well, indeed, and I readilly defer to your expertise in haute couture, but, you see I’m quoting (Richard Glover drive time DJ on Radio702) not the author.

Personally I pronounce Melbourne as Mel-bun and never watched Kylie on Neighbours but hell 40/43 isn’t bad.

[stui_magpie]

Bewdy mate, Didn’t see your thread before I put mine up.

Love the list, how I pronounce Melbourne depends on my state of sobriety.

Sober, it’s Mel Burn. After a few beers it’s Melbn.

[Essured]

Ken Oath maaaaaate.

Raising a beer to youse all!

[Aspidistra]

I was in trouble at question 1…

[Sierra_Indigo]

@penultima_thule

22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels’ song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

♫ No way, get fucked, fuck off ♫

[Snerky_Snerk]

Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!

[resting]

Happy Invasion Day

[Princhester]

@Sierra_Indigo

♫ No way, get fucked, fuck off ♫

That clever little musical notation you put in there was totally inappropriate. If you are singing it, you are doing it wrong.

[Sierra_Indigo]

@Princhester

That clever little musical notation you put in there was totally inappropriate. If you are singing it, you are doing it wrong.

The notation is so some jumped-up mod doesn’t get all buttmad for telling someone to “fuck off”. I thought it was best to make it adequately clear it was a line intended for the song.

[Motorgirl]

IANAA but a good friend is. We’re hitting a local butcher today who is making “beef snags” for Australia Day. I didn’t know what they were but was informed they are beef sausages. Should be interesting.

ETA: Also the package of Tim Tams I have been hoarding will come out of the freezer today.

[Darth_Nader]

19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.

At one point, I had to beg for it online. Never understood those pink musk lifesavers, though.

Cheers!

[don_t_ask]

Funny the list doesn’t mention the only thing I have associated with Australia Day for many years now, the JJJ Hottest 100.

And I guess Sam Kekovich lamb ads and dickheads with Aussie Pride emblazoned on cars or clothing.

[China_Guy]

Digger, help a Seppo out, translate this from 'strain please:

12. You can translate: “Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.”

[don_t_ask]

Darren and Sharon played AC/DC on their way to McDonalds.

[kambuckta]

@don_t_ask

Darren and Sharon played AC/DC on their way to McDonalds.

Could be Daryl (take your pick of spellings) and Sharon too of course.

[kambuckta]

@China_Guy

Digger, help a Seppo out, translate this from 'strain please:

Oh, and just to be of even more assistance, it’s called STRINE, not 'strain.

Strain is what you do on the dunny.